


Green Eyed Green Beret

by alphamiddle21 (orphan_account)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU Clexa, Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Army, Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anya & Lexa (The 100) Are Siblings, Army, Athlete Lexa, Badass Lexa, Dr Clarke Griffin, Eventual Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, F/M, Hero Lexa, Intern Clarke, Marine Corps, Med Student Clarke, Military Academy, Military Jargon, Military Ranks, Soldier Lexa, USMC, Women in the Military, virgin lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-05-16 15:40:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 97,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5831239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/alphamiddle21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke is working a few jobs. Burning the candle at both ends and in the middle as she goes through intern year at the hospital. A green eyed wonder comes into her gas station gig every other day to buy some ice. She can't get the sweaty girl out of her head.</p>
<p>or </p>
<p>The one where Lexa is a war hero trying to get her life back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ice Ice Baby

Clarke has started working at a gas station to help pay for med school since she cut herself off from her mother. After the accident she had tried to stick around but she just didn't have the energy anymore. Not for dealing with everything and trying to do residency. So she left. A few months later O had followed but that was more chance than anything. The first night she was working at the station this brunette with the greenest eyes and the sharpest jaw comes in and she was utterly infatuated from the moment she saw her. When she works on Wednesday the girls walks in again and Friday and those days every week after that. She buys two big bags of ice and one small one, every single time. Always chomping on red gum, sometimes lazily sometimes rolling it between her teeth, pressing the occasional bubble through her lips before snapping it back into her mouth. Her shoulders back but slouched a little like they are tired or it hurts to hold her back too straight. _They probably are, dip shit._

Baggy sweats hang off the girl’s slender hips crookedly higher on one hip. The number 2 on her right thigh, nike swoosh on the left. The waistband thick from being rolled once sometimes visible from a partially tucked in shirt. The backs of the cuff bunched over the heel of her shoes frayed from being stepped on and soaked with what ever form of god forsaken water decided to fall from the sky that day. Sometimes Clarke really hated Seattle, most of the time rain was that reason. The insides of the pants usually have a cut through the cuff so the material doesn’t bunch too much over her shoe. The waistband of her shorts hardy visible under the hem of her t-shirt.

It doesn’t matter. Different day. Same look. Sweats. T-shirt. Sometimes a hat. Never a headband. Her small silver necklace with a pendant sometimes in her shirt sometimes not. _Same fucking gorgeous girl._ Clarke has come to look forward to the brunette’s stops. If nothing else she is nice to look at. Clarke has made up a game to try and come up with the girls story. How her day went - usually she can’t tell. Even with nearly nonexistent smiles, but smiles non the less, the girl offers she seems emotionless, stoic almost. She is a wonder and Clarke can’t figure out why.

It's been three weeks and the girl strides across the gas station toward her just the same. Hand reaching into her pocket for her card, to make sure it’s there - she always checks both pockets for a moment and usually lingers her hand on whichever one it’s in. Her phone sits tucked into the waistband of her pants but above her t-shirt even though she has pockets.

She has an unusual gait. Long strides. _Because long legs, holy shit._ Slight bounce in her knees and on the balls of her feet. It’s fluid and confident with a small rigid element similar to her boss’s but some days is a little stiffened by what Clarke assumes are aching quads and burning hamstrings. _Tight glutes._ There’s a slight hitch in the bounce of her right leg at her knee and hip, a ghost of a limp thats worse somedays than others.

The girls even voice plays in her mind with the faint shadow of a southern accent before her most recent bubble is sucked back into her mouth. _Two large bags of ice and a small one please. Ma’am._ It’s always Ma’am, though Clarke has a name tag and she’s pretty sure this girl - woman - whatever - is older then she is. “Two large bags of ice and a small one please. Ma'am." A soft smile plays at the right corner of her mouth, slightly scrunching her cheek up on it’s high bone just below her glowing green eyes framed by long black eyelashes.

Her hairline is wet, a stray drop of sweat drips down below her ear. Clarke marvels at the shirt speckled with damp spots as it clings to, from what she can tell, a fairly defined abdominal region - strictly from a medical perspective, of course. The outline of a wet sports bra starting to seep its way into what was probably a fresh shirt. The buttons click below Clarke’s fingertips before she turns to the girl returning her soft smile with a much less lopsided one. “That’ll be seven dollars fifty seven cents. Will that be all tonight?”

She dips her head forward quickly “Um, yeah.” She says firmly yet a little past indecisive and swipes the card that had previously been taping on the counter in a now familiar rhythm through the machine. The back of the girls collar is scattered with a darker colored grey and the ends of her wavy ponytail look like they've been dipped in a pool. Loose bangs flop over her face as she tilts her head down to type in her pin. They are habitually huffed from her vision as she sticks her cracked bottom lip out to blow them up. Unsatisfied at the hair still sticking to her forehead and tickling her nose the green eyed beauty wipes them back with her hand as she proceeded to run it over the top of her head and wraps her thumb and forefinger around the surprisingly pink hair tie before running the circle down her long wavy ponytail to free it from her damp neck. As she flips it a little to the side she wipes lingering sweat from her neck and onto the thigh of her pants.

“Thanks.” Two taps on the counter with the corner of her card before sliding it back in to her pocket. Her scar littered forearm flexes as the card hits the counter. She checks the military style watch on her left wrist before looking back at the cashier. “Havea’goodone.” It seems sincere and Clarke gets a feeling that this girl of few words and a lopsided smirk of a smile means what she says. The run together greeting paired with a more even smile that lifts her eyebrows just enough always does weird things to Clarke’s stomach. _Calm your shit Griffin. For fuck’s sake._

She watches the girl walk out, shoulder blades pressing slightly together through her sweat spotted shirt, arch of the sports bra plain between them. She presses the door open slowly and her forearm flexes again just a little and she can see a small pull of the girls triceps just peeking out of the sleeves that have been shortened by the hasty bunching of them on top of the girls broad yet slight shoulders. An intricate tribal tattoo peeks out from under the same sleeve and frames her muscle nicely.

She opens her trunk up catching its swing at the top with her hand, usually she reaches in and moves something before walking back over to the coolers. She hugs two bags to her sides below flexed arms and tosses them in before returning to sling the third over her shoulder. That one is usually plopped down as she leans forward, somedays pausing to rest her hands on the edge of the trunk gripping it so her forearms flex. Clarke can't help but wonder if she is in pain, it looks like she is exhausted most days. That was something the blonde understood. If Clarke is lucky the back of the girls shirt pulls up revealing a dark patch of skin, _probably another tattoo_. Even if Clarke isn’t so lucky she can’t help but appreciate the pull of the girls sweats against her butt.

_God you’re a creep. Let the girl buy her ice in peace._ She never looks away though as she watches the girl drive off in her old little Lexus.

She returns on Friday. Tonight she’s wearing a hat that small tuffs of hair wave out from under by her ears. It’s old and faded, what was once probably navy blue is a lighter grey blue though darker in some spots than others. The white front panel is crisp though and the letters match the faded nature of the rest of the hat. UNC Lacrosse. Her ponytail pulled through it just like it was last week and the week before.

It’s unusual, the hat. Seattle is pretty much the farthest thing from North Carolina, and the girl has a basketball sticker on the back window of her car. Probably her boyfriend’s - or brother’s - or dad’s - or something. _Most likely boyfriend’s._ Honestly Clarke doesn't even mind the UNC hat the woman was so breathtaking and the Duke grad in her cringed, if only a little. 

The girl isn’t chomping down on her gum today though but chewing on the bottom inside corner of her left lip. The lopsided smile is only a tweak of her lip. Her shoulders slump only slightly more then usual and her limp seems less like a memory. She isn’t in constant relaxed motion today either. Much less present. She doesn’t talk as she steps up to the counter this time like usual. Clarke breaks the un-habitual moments silence with an extra warm smile. She looks like she could use that today. “You know... One bag of each is probably enough. One more won’t make the water any colder.”

“What?” The girls usually bright eyes seem dimmer as they come back into focus from where they were zoned just past her head. She looks outside at the incredibly dark night sky. It’s the first time it hasn’t been precipitating for weeks but the girl doesn’t seem to care the sun was finally shinning today. She looks exhausted. Her eyes don’t have that usual quiet intensity about them. Clarke thinks she might actually see bits of real emotions deep in the vast forest of green with little flecks of gold. “Oh, um.. Some of it melts when I add the water. It isn’t that cold out of my faucet. How’d you know what the ice was for anyway?”

“Just a guess.” She winks. _You winked?! Seriously, Clarke!?_   “You look like the kind of girl who likes a good ice bath.” _What the hell kind of girl is that?_ One who walks stiff and and wears sweats and a not quite sweaty t-shirt in January. 

“Yeah, something like that.” The girl huffs in an almost-not quite smile. At least her eyes get a little brighter if only for a second. “Three bags please, two big one small. The usual.” She almost sighs as she rests her hand on the counter after wiping her face. _What is going on with Ice Girl? She ok? Don’t you dare ask her, Clarke. It’s none of your business._

She reaches up to swipe her card. Clarke just shakes her head slowly and puts her hand over the machine to block the card’s path though the girl isn’t looking at her. Which is also sitting weird in her chest. The green-eyed wonder usually doesn’t break eye contact. “Don’t worry about it. This one’s on the house.”

“Oh, um. Thanks.” She rubs the back of her neck below her ponytail. A small tint of pink works its way to her tan freckled cheeks and the tops of her ears point out under the bottom of the hat. Clarke’s heart jumps into her throat as her stomach does summersaults. _Jesus, she’s blushing. How fucking cute is she!?_

“Don’t mention it.”

She dips her head in a nod and a much smaller version of that even smile works its way onto her face for a brief moment though Clarke can catch sadness in her eyes. “Havea’goodone.”

“You too.”

Clarke watches her leave again as she starts to grab her stuff. She has to be at the hospital so early tomorrow… she has a feeling 4 am is going to come pretty quickly. It’s already almost 11 and her replacement isn’t here yet. _Screw it._ She starts to walk from behind the register and back to the staff room where she sees her relief. Some scrawny guy named Harrison. He’s nice from what she can tell.“See ya Monday.”

“Yeah, see ya’ Monday.”

She doesn’t sleep very well. She hopes Ice Girl gets some. Though for some reason she doubts that happens much for the green eyed beauty either.

The alarm goes off just as she feels her mind finally quiet. She grabs her phone from next to her pillow and swipes across the screen. _My life sucks._ She closes her eyes for just a moment only to be woken by her phone going off.

 

**CALLER ID: Jackson “Jax” Geminson**

 

10 text messages

 

**Jax**

**Where are you?**

 

 

**Jax**

**Rounds start in 15 minutes.**

**Where the hell are you?**

 

 

**Jax**

**Clarke? You ok?**

**Call me.**

 

_SHIT! I fell back asleep. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

Clarke picks up the phone right away. “Fuck. Sorry Jax. I’m on my way, stall for me.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just be safe. See you soon.”

Never in her life was she more thankful she lived less then five minutes from the hospital. She threw on a pair of clean - _ok, cleanish_ \- scrubs and tied her hair up in a bun on her way out the door. She popped a piece of gum in her mouth as she threw the car in drive thankful O had left it and let her boyfriend drive her to his house yesterday. However she would be gone today, not around to wake Clarke up if she overslept and she kinda needed that today. Today was a big day. She was supposed to have her first solo - check up or exam or whatever. She just hoped she didn’t screw it up. 


	2. Of Course It's You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets pulled in on a case for one of her bosses Army people. Lexa gets to deal with almost missing the desert. Old friends try to help out and she heads for her typical post op check. Hopefully she gets cleared for active duty...

As she walks through the doors she sees her group of interns following Dr. Washington. The attending is a large man, lots of muscles, dark hair, dark beard, gentle eyes. Clarke sneaks into the back of the group next to Jackson who hands her her white coat and stethoscope.

“Overslept again didn’t you?” He whispers in a sigh. It was happening more and more. Between residency, her job at the gas station, and moonlighting sometimes with the EMT’s Clarke wasn’t getting much sleep. _Sleep is for the weak._

“Only a little. Thanks, Jax. I owe you one.” She whispers back with a smile. She owes him lots of ones. He saved her ass endlessly. No way would she survive with out him covering for her, but he wouldn’t survive with out her whispering answers to pre-rounds questions to him either. He was a good doctor, he knew the stuff, but struggled under pressure sometimes. He would probably switch from surgical soon. 

“Clarke..” _You need sleep. You’re running yourself ragged._

“I’m handling it.” _Drop it, Jackson._

“Nice of you to join us, Griffin.” Dr. Washington states as they round a corner into the surgical wing. He really isn’t a bad guy. Awesome really. He served as a Army Doc for a long time so he’s a bit of a hard ass but Clarke finds it endearing. And by bit she means majorly endearing. He's a hard ass but a total softy  at the same time.  “Sorry, Sir.”

They pull up the the first bed. A sleeping kid drools on the pillow as his head turns slightly to the side. Dr. Washington picks up the chart and looks it over as the interns internally panic they will be called on. Clarke already knows it’s her and she was prepared. She memorizes charts when she has breaks. Makes it a game almost. It helps. _Adam Cochrin, 20 year old male, acid burns…_ Octavia had a thing with him a while back when she first got out here, she was happy when her best friend ended it though. Kid was an ass but he didn’t deserve this. He probably wouldn’t make it. “Griffin. Tell me what I need to know.”

_Deep breath. You’ve got this._ “Yes. Sir.” _You could do this shit in your sleep._ It’s a good thing too because her mind is still basically catching some z’s on her pillow. 

 

//

 

Lexa’s alarm goes off too early for her liking, she never used to mind getting up early but now, with everything, she kinda just wants to sleep. _Snooze._ A few moments later it rings again, the beeping on her watch ordering her out of bed for her morning run. _Not today. Snooze._ It only seems as if she has just fallen asleep minutes ago. Her mind finally turned off from wondering about the possibilities today would bring, what had happened that got her to this point in the first place. It wasn’t until her mind went hazy in exhaustion her aching body allowed itself to relax and finally fall into a restless slumber. She looks at the watch as its starts to beep at her again, 05:30. _Damn it._

She slides out of bed immediately moving toward the bathroom and into the shower. Sliding out of her sports bra is no more of a discomfort than usual nor is her core’s stiffness new nor the stabbing in her back unusual as she bends down slightly to rid herself of her basketball shorts and underwear. The hot water feels so good on her aching muscles as it leaves her skin a light shade of pink. She washes quickly making sure to run a razor over her slightly fuzzy legs for the doctor’s sake before she dries quickly and gets dressed. She has 20 minutes until she has to leave for her appointment. _Fucking Army. Why has this stuff got to be so early?_

She slides on a grey PT shirt a pair of soccer pants and her green Wounded Warrior Project quarter-zip Anya gave her for Christmas over a pair of nike pros. Lexa slaps her watch back onto her wrist and throws her hair up in a wet ponytail that is more then a little messy as she only pulls it part of the way through the last loop of the hair tie in a partial bun. She grabs an apple out of the fridge on her way out the door. A yellow note pad paper is clipped to the otherwise empty door with a stolen ARMY STRONG recruiting magnet.

 

**Lex,**

**Sorry I missed you the last few days, been busy at the base. Make sure you eat something this morning. I have a good feeling about today. Good luck, kiddo. Everything’s going to work out. I’m proud of you.**

**~Anya**

**p.s.Don’t lie to the Nyko. It gets angry when you lie.And try to remember it’s not his fault DoDMERB sucks.**

**p.s.s. Tell him high for me.**

 

_Jesus, Ayn. It’s a doctors appointment._ _It’s not like it’s my first one._ She aggressively bites off a large chunk of granny smith as she grabs her keys from the hook, sliding into perpetually untied shoes, and ventures out her broken front door into a light snow. All this water shit falling from the sky almost makes her miss the desert. _Almost._ A lot of things make her almost miss the desert… _How sad is that?_

She slides into her car and lets out a small groan as her muscles contract around the baseball sized knots in her quads and the tight pull across the backs of her shoulders as she straps her seatbelt across her chest. As much as it sucks she loves the feeling - the soreness. It makes her feel alive. Whole. Actually worth something. She had missed this a lot in the last year and a bit. Especially those nine and a half months from hell. Well it was longer than that but she couldn't remember the other 9.

It’s been three months since Nyko cleared her for “light” activity and she feels like she is getting back to her old self. _Finally._ Maybe today’s the day he tells her she’s really back. _God, please let today be that day._ She needs it to be that day.

She pulls into the parking lot and parks in the back. She hasn’t used the handicap tag they gave to her. She doesn’t need it. She manages just fine on her own. The only reason she hadn’t burned it the moment she saw it on their kitchen counter when it came in the mail was because Anya had said it could come in handy if she was running late or something. Lexa knew it was a tactic to get her to keep it but she did anyway. Anya’s lectures suck.

She smells the stale, sterile, old coffee ridden hospital air and it reminds her so much of her past. _Months in the bed. Rehab. Checkups. Surgeries. Her childhood._ As much as the smell reminded her of all the bad happening right now she always loved the damn sterile old coffee smell. It was just like her dads when he would come home from a weekend shift and wrap her up in his warm arms, squeeze her till she grunted at her inability to breathe, and placed a kiss on the top of her head. She wound bury her her face in his fatigues that still somehow managed to smell like laundry and wrap her arms around his waste as she would look up into his hazel eyes as they looked into her own. Eye contact was a big deal to him, he taught her that from the time she was little. “Hows my girl doing?”

_I’m ok, Dad. I’m managing._ She shudders at the phantom warmth she feels around her torso in remembering his embrace. _Yes_. That’s what the hospital smell was to her and she was thankful that no amount of pain could ever change that. She grew up in places like this. A little busier with soldiers, sailers, and jarheads than these civilians, but a hospital was a hospital and she always felt at home here. Her playpen had been at the nurses station on the surgical floor for crying out loud. She had taken naps on unused gurneys in the hall. She colored on the backs of old charts. Made forts out of white coats in the doctors lounge. She had done homework in the in the observation gallery or at the nurses station surrounded by her dad’s staff trying to help her. She was practically raised by the odd mixture of military and medicine.

She checked into the desk where a young man was sitting. “Captain Alexandra Woods.” He just smiled and asked her to wait a moment as he walked away. He returned quickly and said Nyko would be a few minutes and said she could go ahead and just wait in the doctors lounge around the corner. He handed over the mans swipe card and Lexa took it with a smile and turned down the maze of halls to her private waiting room.

She plops down on the couch and kicks her feet up finding another apple to munch on while she waited. You never know how long a few minutes could be when it came to Nyko, he is a busy man. Though she felt at home in the hospital nervousness churned in her gut. _What if I haven’t healed enough? What if I never will?_ It was a good possibility and she knew it but she never actually believed it... however, the longer it goes with no improvement the more the reality hits her. Her palms grow uncomfortably sweaty as she wipes them up and down on her thighs with out much success of removing the moisture. _Deep breath, Lexa. It’s a fallow up.Your back feels good. Well.. good enough. You’re gonna be fine._

 

//

 

Clarke is leaning tiredly with her elbows against the table in the cafeteria as she tries to eat her breakfast in the 30 minutes between pre-rounds and the rest of her day. She tries to answer all the questions quickly so they have time to eat. Some of the people in her intern year hate her for it but hey, she’s not trying to drag out those torture sessions. If they don’t like it they can work harder at knowing the charts. Clarke certainly did. 

A coffee slides it’s way into her periphery as she assumes Jackson sits down across from her. “Extra extra shot of expresso, extra black. Just like you like it.” He teases. Somehow they had developed a joke about how she took her coffee, the blacker the better. 

“Thanks, Jax. I really am sorry about this morning, again.” She shoves a bite of the worlds grossest scrambled eggs and chases it down with a sip of the bitter goodness that is coffee.

“Don’t mention it.” He sips his own tea with light brown eyes playing at her behind his long eyelashes. He has the biggest crush on this girl and she has not even the slightest clue. She lets out a long yawn as he bobs the tea bag in and out of the steaming cup in front of him “Coffee can’t replace sleep, Clarke.”

“Sure it can.” She smiles up at him and gives a wink as she takes a sip savoring the not quite satisfactory taste a moment in her mouth before she swallows it with a small lump sliding down her throat. The hospital coffee was always a little burnt but it still warms her now half full belly. “It’s the life blood that fuels the hearts of champions.”

He rolls his eyes deep in his head. “You can’t quote Kicking and Screaming and expect me to accept that as an actual thing. Do you even remember how that turned out?”

She shoves in another too large bite of the eggs and chews rapidly. A loud beeping cuts off the answer about to come out of her still chewing mouth. The little black box vibrates rapidly on her hip. She quirks her eyebrows out in apology to her friend.

 

**Washington:**

**Griffin. My office. Now.**

 

_Seriously? I’m not even on his service today. I’m with Hobbes._ She starts standing as she hurriedly throws two more bites of eggs into her mouth and grabs the piece of toast in the same hand as her coffee. “Don’t bite off more then you can chew.” He warns her only half talking about the choke hazard size bite she is currently chewing. _Too late._ The backs of her legs push the chair out from under her as she slides away. She is too practiced at this. _Can’t a girl eat?_

“That’s the beauty of it, Jackson.” She shoves another large bite of eggs into her mouth as she chuckles still standing at the table stalling herself a moment to fill her still grumbling stomach. She’s fully aware he means more then just food. “I’d rather choke on greatness then nibble on mediocracy.”

“Those eggs hardly count as greatness.” He quips as another dangerously full fork of eggs is shoveled into a not yet empty mouth as she goes to hurriedly grab the tray. “I’ve got it. Go.”  She smiles at him softly, _Thanks. Owe you one._ He can’t help shake his head as he watches her hustle from the cafeteria to a surely less then friendly attending. He stopped keeping track of the IOU’s a long time ago. It was definitely more then a few.

Clarke swallows the last bit of toast with the last long gulp of the still a little too hot coffee. She tosses the cup forcefully into the trash and takes a deep breath before entering Dr. Washington’s office mentally preparing herself for the new hole about to be torn into her ass. _Here it goes._ She presses the handle down and the door in slowly as she steps in. “You paged me, Sir.” _No emotion, Clarke. Nice and easy._

He just looks at her from over his glasses at a file he is studying. He sits up in his chair that was quite reclined from the weight of the large man pressing back into the worn-out spring. “You’ve worked with VA patients before with your mother back at MasGen, yes?” Clarke swallows. _What has that got to do anything?_ The last thing she wanted to think about right now was her mother or Boston. When her answer isn’t immediate he asks again. “Dr. Griffin, did you or did you not work with VA patients?”

“Yes, Sir. I did.” Practically her whole medical career she’s been working with military patients. She liked it. She was even considering becoming a military doctor deep in the back of her mind. It would help with the debt at the very least. 

“With wounded warriors? You’re familiar with DoDMERB standards and procedures, correct?”

“Yes, Sir.” That was the reason she wanted to go into trauma medicine. There had to be better ways to treat these patients. The means used to save a lot of their lives took just as much sometimes. Though she never felt sorry for them, they’d probably kill her for that. Just inadequate that they had given so much and she was enjoying college and her position as an undergrad intern. She’d learned how to empathize with out pitying them. How to trick them into doing what they needed to do but were too hard headed for. They as a whole were a difficult bunch, lovely, but difficult. Too proud or stubborn or “tough”. It made her life as a doctor/intern/care giver much much harder but she didn't really mind at all. He grabs a chart from his desk and extends it to her.

“Familiarize yourself with this case.” He continues reading his file without even looking up. “Be ready to recommend further treatment, diagnosis, and insights. You’ll be with me on this one. I’ve already talked to Hobbes. This patient is your only focus this morning. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sir.” 

If she wasn’t mistaken she would have thought she saw a grin from the ever serious surgeon. “Good. I’ll meet you in exam 1 in 15.” He starts waking out the door. “Oh, and Griffin, don’t be late again.”

“Yes. Sir.” She spins on hear heal and walks out to study this massive chart. _Jesus, this is the biggest chart I’ve ever seen._

 

//

 

Lexa had started to doze off on the couch when the passcode outside the door to the lounge beeped with someone pressing a code into it and she became fully aware of her surroundings again. She had a feeling it would be Nyko so she stood in a posture closely resembling attention, _old habits die hard I guess._ “Hows my favorite little war hero?” He smiles at her and she falls out of her stance and into a quick warm hug. Nyko was a hugger, she however.. not so much. 

“Nyko.” She warns. _I’m not little anymore and I'm not a hero._ She eases quickly and a genuine smile works it’s way out from under the mask at his warm laughter that fills the room as he motions to the door. “Better once you clear me for active duty.”

“Lexa.” He warns back, _We’ve been over this._

“Ayn says hi.” They stride down a long white hallway into an exam room. She tries to change the subject. “She always did like you. Not sure why though.” She chides at the familiar doctor despite knowing they had likely talked last night. She’s known him for years. He worked with her dad a while back and was with her unit her first tour. Hell they had grown up together. 

He shuts the door behind them. “Because I got her sorry ass through OCS and all those "adventures" you three used to drag me through.” He is grinning now, white teeth contrasting against his dark beard. Lexa's heard the story from both sides about a million times. Ant the memories of their adventures were among her favorite, they had gotten her through some of the tough times in her life. “How’s she doing?” He already knew but he thought he’d ask Lexa just to see. Part of him is throughly surprised she hadn’t come with the young Captain in a while. On second thought he isn’t. Lexa wanted to prove that she could handle this. He remembers the phone call his old friend had given him a few nights ago. She was really worried about her. _"She still isn't dealing, Nyko." - “Give it time, Ayn.” - “It’s been a year.”_

He grabs a pair of paper shorts and a gown from a cabinet and puts it on the counter by the little sink. Lexa just looks at it and her stomach flips - not the good kind. She hates those things. “She’s ok. Annoying as ever.”

“I’m sure.” The doctor pulls the rolling stool beneath his but as he sits down. Lexa just jumps up on the table and dangles her feet kicking her shoes off beneath her. The paper crunches under her. “I have an intern with me who’s going to help out if thats ok.” Lexa just nods knowing with the potential of today's visit Nyko wasn't allowed to be the only evaluation since they shared a close personal relationship. The doctor was her brother, kinda, after all. “She’s good, only the best for you Kiddo.”

“Oh, shut up.”

He rolls over to the door and opens it smirking at her. “Dr. Griffin, come on in.” 

In walks a blonde with eyes the deepest brightest blue Lexa has ever seen and she immediately recognizes her as, Clarke, the chick from the gas station she’s been crushing on for like the last month. _Oh, fuck me._ Lexa swallows hard, thank god Nyko doesn’t notice as he rubs hand sanitizer into his warn palms and up his lower arm. 

“Go ahead and present.”

A lump rolls down the girls throat. A blush quickly fading from her cheeks as she straightens her back and hands the overly thick chart to Nyko. “Alexandra Woods. 27 year old Female. 5’10” 142 lbs. In for post-op check on multiple gunshot wounds to the chest, abdomen, and legs, shattered right pelvis and femur, torn ACL, PCL, LCL, medial meniscus, and popliteal tendon. Minor concussion, fractured vertebrae, spinal-.”

“We all know what’s on my chart.” she says colder than she had wanted. Even though she knew all about how residents present, she used to do it with them when she was a kid, but Lexa hates it. She doesn’t want to hear it again, she knows what’s coming next and it’s the worst part. _Open Heart Surgery. Super serious spinal chord injury. The use of too large words for her shrapnel and torture wounds. Bla, bla, bla. Diagnosis: odds of full recovery minimal. Progress: as expected._

She was just a girl to the blonde. Just some random girl who took a lot of ice baths. _Well now she knows why._ She wasn’t some washed up war hero. Though she was surprised she hadn’t at least recognized her a little Lexa had been grateful. Her picture was quite popular on the news for a while. _First Female Green Beret Awarded with Medal of Valor. Female Green Beret Escapes Torture Camp, Saves 48 US Soldiers. GI Jane Carries Fallen Comrades From Battle with Broken Back. Captain Alexandra Woods to receive Congressional Medal of Honor. Tortured Heroine wakes from Coma._

“Lex-“ She feels her posture stiffen and her mask slide back on. _No emotion. No pain. This didn't happen._ Not to her. It does not affect her. Not at all. She doesn’t care. She’s coming back. She’s going back. She _has_ to go back. 

“No. Come on. She knows the stuff. Let’s just move on. Get this over with, Doctor.”

He rolls over to her and puts a hand on her knee. “It’s good for you to hear it, Alexandra.” Lexa clenches her jaw and looks him deep in the eyes. The man has seen her through a lot and she knows he’s only looking out for her but she doesn't want to hear it. _Enough_. The tone of the whole room switches from their personal comforts with each other as Lexa’s walls go up. Maybe the intern was a mistake. “Alright.” He tugs at the bottom of her shirt and pullover. “Off with this.” She crosses her hands at the front of her hips and pulls the two layers off in a swift motion only slightly hitched by her aching back and tight shoulders before tossing the tangled shirts onto a chair in the corner.

The air is cold on her bare skin and she feels goosebumps from as a chill runs down her spine. She notices her thin black sports bra doesn’t have much padding for her chilly chest. Nyko runs his hands over her shoulder where two of her 12 bluet holes are.. well 14, but the other two hadn't been from her latest little bit of fun. Then to just above her breast on her left side. That one had missed her aorta by less then a millimeter they said but it still caused some damage. The one slightly more central had nicked the right atrium. It was a wonder she hadn't died in the field. He checks what’s exposed of the zipper scar next and moves quickly to the other GSW scar just below her right ribcage. There are other scars all over her torso and arms but those aren’t significant really, at least not in regards to why she was in the hospital for five and a half months after she woke up and medically suspended from active duty. 

She leans back on her hands so he can get a better look the pressure on her shoulders makes her fingers tingle and go cold. This isn’t her first rodeo. He continues to check the other large jagged scar at her hip, the muscles just below her ribs pull tight and her stomach churns. She couldn’t figure out - didn’t want to admit - why it bothers her so much still but hands in any place below her bellybutton close to her _area_ freak her out a little. More then a little if she was being honest - which she wasn't. The final semi visible bullet holes are exposed as Nyko pulls down slightly on the waste band of her pants and underwear careful only to expose the skin he needs to see right now. He walks around back and checks the scar up her spine, the now tattoo covered lash marks and the final two centrally located bullet holes. “Scarring is looking good. Keep using that lotion.”

Without being told she lies down and bends her knee for him to tug on and bend what ever which way. “Knee’s looking great, kid.” She only nods as they make eyes contact. It hurts a little but she's not telling him. _Not until he clears her._ _Not a chance_. Nyko moves to her hip, the tests are pretty uncomfortable but she can manage. She’s had worse after all. “Range of motion is back in the hip as well for the most part.” He sounds optimistic but Lexa know’s its for her benefit. The knee and the hip were never going to be the problem, not the hard ones at least. It was the spinal injury. It was the open heart surgery.

“Gown up. Then Dr. Griffin will finish up your exam and physical and take you down to imaging.

She can’t help but groan. “Not the ass-less gown. Please, Nyko. There’s no metal in my sweats.” _Why would that matter? There is metal in me._

He tosses her the garments he set out earlier they hit her chest and fall into her lap. “Gown up. Lexa. That’s an order.” The doctor can’t help but chuckle at the girl’s childish whines, _every damn time._ He turns to the blonde who just stands in quiet observation in the corner of the room and motions toward the door. Lexa had forgotten she was there. “Dr. Griffin will be back in a few minutes. I’ll talk to you after imaging.” He points at her as the two go to leave the room. “Behave.”

_Fine. Prick._ She is a little mad at the whole ordeal. _He had to get an intern._ Though she was a little glad at that. She didn’t think she had anything too _invasive_ to be done today but she was glad Nyko never did it. But seriously, It had to be Gas Station Clarke? The universe did in fact hate her. It’s been decided. 

Her mind wonders back to the months of recovery, learning how to walk again, moving her leg, her shoulder, lots of different hands where she didn’t want them, too many surgeries to count. _Would this nightmare ever be over?_ She strips her clothes and folds them on the chair next to the table before sliding into the gown. The semi-paper cloth stuff is a little scratchy on her skin as she ties it as best she can in the back. She feels so damn exposed in these things. _Perfect. Let the fun begin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LTC - Lieutenant Colonel  
> The army equivalent to commander, ranks above a Major and below a Colonel. 
> 
> DoDMERB (dod merb, pronounced as a word)- Depart of Defense Medical Examination Board  
> responsible for deciding if someone is medically fit to serve in the armed forces
> 
> OCS - Officers Candidate School  
> Essentially Basic Training for officers in the military. Each branch has separate ones.
> 
> PT shirt - PT (pronounced P. T.) stands for Physical Training, the shirt is the uniform/issued shirt that they have to work out in when it's in an official capacity. Each branch has different PT gear. 
> 
> Jarheads - Marines


	3. Fingers Crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke does her job and tires to help Lexa as much as possible through her hopeful follow up. They don't know each other but it feel like they do. They get to chatting. Coffee may be proposed.

“Griffin.” He nods in the direction of his office again. It’s strange he could just tell her what he wanted in the hall. No one really listened or cared. This must be incredibly personal to him. Though she had picked up on that when the green eyed wonder cut her off and Dr. Washington - Nyko she had called him - allowed it. Clarke was always curious as to how that was pronounced. He tried to comfort her and the walls just went up Clarke could almost see the bricks stack on top of each other to surround the woman.

Something about Ice Girl - Lexa - Alexandra - whatever- seemed more like a child with Dr. Washington, like he had seen her grow up. Especially when she complained about having to ‘gown up’ as her boss so put it. He never says that but their interaction was adorable, this girl was so cute and hurt and all Clarke wanted to do was give her a hug. 

How is she going to do this? She could hardly handle the girl in a sports bra. It was all she could do to keep her jaw from the floor. These exams are pretty, um, in depth sometimes. He clears his throat and brings Clarke’s thoughts back a second time. “If you couldn’t tell, I’m close to this. I’ve known Lexa a long time.” 

“Sir, you don’t have to explain.” _Or threaten me._ _I know already._

“Good. Just be gentle. She’s been through a lot. Talk through it that usually makes it better.” _I know how to do an exam, Doctor. I have better bedside manner then just about every doctor in this place, attendings included._ “She’ll lie. She wants to get back so badly but listen to her body. It still betrays her. Let me know when you are done with imaging.” 

“Yes sir.” _How hard could this be? Not like you’ve had a massive crush on her for weeks or anything._ Clarke spins on her heal and walks out of his office. She thinks she might hear a sigh but gives her boss privacy. She likes this side of him, its gentle compared to his usual hard demanding demeanor. 

As she approaches Exam 1 she forces herself to take a deep breath. The backs of her knuckles tap the door twice as she enters. Lexa is sitting on the table feet dangling off the edge and hands planted at the sides of her hips. “Captain Woods.” Clarke gets some hand sanitizer from the wall and starts to move into her job.

“You can call me Lexa.” The woman’s face is void of most the girl from the gas station, the mask appearing hard instead of the usual lack of emotion, and Clarke wishes she would come back. That little crooked smile makes her day. “I guess you know what the ice is for now.” 

“I was always curious.” She smiles as she slides over to her on the rolly-stool. It always makes her feel like such an official doctor. “Do they help?” There is no way in hell she should be working out hard enough to need all of those ice baths, absolutely no way. 

“A little.” The corners of her mouth curve up slightly in the usual smile Clarke is slowly realizing is pretty fake and forced. She just quirks her eyebrow up at her patient, _really?_ The girl breaks their eye contact for a moment and her chin pulls to her shoulder. “Ok, no. They don’t. But spare me the lecture, ok? I know. I just needed to feel something like who I was…” The girl doesn’t snap, her words don't bite, but are softly uttered. Clarke knows she never thought she would say them aloud. She’s surprised at the honesty, the pure vulnerability of the moment, and that is more then a little heartbreaking. She _is_ hurting. She is hurting a lot. “Please don’t tell Nyko.” 

“I won’t. You just need to take care of yourself.” She puts a hand on the girl’s bare knee and gives it a small squeeze. “You’re still the same person, injuries don’t change that.”

“It is more then just injuries.” She admits and even still Clarke has worked with enough athletes and vets to know that an injury can do all kinds of things to a person’s mind without the ways she imagines this girl’s came about. “You didn’t know me before. You hardly know me now.” _Shit you’re right, but I’d love to change that._ She looks down at the doctor with that same half smile that’s so tender and so sad but trying to pretend she isn’t. Clarke just wonders how something so soft can tear at her heart with such force. 

“You have a point.” She concedes with a nod and allows her hand to slide off the girls knee. And moves to grab the blood pressure cuff and slides her stethoscope from around her neck. “What d’you say we get this stuff done so you can get out of here and on your way?” she smiles. A full year of invasive treatments and procedures and checkups was probably pretty rough on the woman’s ego. 

“Yeah, sure.” The girl moves her arm to help with the adding of the blood pressure cuff. She is a really helpful patient even if Clarke can tell that she doesn’t tell the whole truth about what hurts or how her back is feeling when she moves behind her and presses around the injury and the incision. The tattoo on her back is intricate and beautiful and used to cover up so many scars. Clarke just wants to run her fingers over and trace the lines, press her lips to each spot she was once torn open. _GRIFFIN ENOUGH!_

Clarke taps on her knees checking the reflexes, the injured one reacts a little slower but that’s expected. She checks another scar on the side of her calf, a compound fracture. She slides her hand up the girls thigh pushing the paper shorts up just enough to check the bullet still beneath the girls skin. Lexa’s leg flexes at the touch tensing in the proximity of Clarke’s hand who has to tell her to relax so she can feel the bullet. When she does the blonde’s mind shifts from it’s medical position for a moment - she is only human and this girls skin…Her skin is so smooth, and warm, and tan… _CLARKE! God damn it. Keep it together._ She has the girl stand and do all the touching her toes business among other things. 

She gives the brunette a gentle smile and pats the bed. “Ok, Lexa, go ahead and lay back.” The girl hops up and spins sideways rustling the paper beneath her and puts her head on the pillow. She is so stiff and part of Clarke knows that it’s not just because she is here. Lexa doesn’t seem like the type that is fond of the doctor but she doesn't seem like to the kind to be afraid of them, or anything really, either. _Why would she be?_ Most of the last year has been them telling her she can’t do things. Them poking and prodding and checking over and over just to give her the same news. _I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to deal with this._

She lets Clarke check her knee and hip again and her shoulder. _This girl has so many holes in her._ She gulps knowing the last two are just above a rather intimate place and the third is on her thigh which she has to check again in a different position. She leaves Lexa’s side a moment to roll over the ultrasound machine. She turns on the sink with warm water and places the jell in a small bath so it can warm up. Her mother showed her the trick. 

“I’m going to check your abdomen.” She says as she returns to the bed where Lexa lays with her hands stiffly at her side. She only offers a nod as she pulls up the gown to expose her stomach. Clarke can’t tell if the silence is nice or not but the air is tense and seems to be trapped in the brunette’s lungs. She presses her hands into Lexa’s firm torso and taps her fingers on the back of it. The upper three regions are fine but as she works lower the girl stiffens and begins to quiver, but only a little - Clarke almost hadn’t caught it.

Clarke steels a glance up at the patient who is staring wide eyed at the sealing. Her chest rising and falling slowly with a tiny shake as her jaw clenches and releases as she grinds her teeth down. _No. This is most defiantly not about me._ She removes her hands and replaces the front part of the gown to cover her belly back up.

“Hey,” she rolls up so she is closer to the girls head who turns to look at her. “are you ok?” 

Her jaw flexes again as her gaze returns to the sealing hard and stubborn in attempt to push past her fear. “Lets just get this over with.” A lot of young women don’t like even superficial exams but this is different and that’s not happening today. Something is very _off_. 

“No, hey, look at me.” She does her eyes lock to Clarke's as she softly speaks to her. “I’m just going to use the ultrasound to check your injury. You’ll be covered and I won’t go any lower then I need to. Then I’ll check your heart with the ultrasound but I can do that under the gown. I don’t really need to check your thigh. Seemed fine. Then I’ll take some blood and we will be done with this part and I’ll get you up to imaging, ok?” 

She nods again swallowing past what Clarke guesses is a very dry mouth. _A woman of few words this one._ “Thank you.” The words done even come out though she just moves her mouth. Clarke puts he hand on her upper arm and gives it a slight squeeze. _Any time._ She gets the now warm jell and squirts it on the newly exposed stomach. 

“Ok, Lexa, I need to pull your shorts down a little so I can see your GSW’s.” She moves her hands and the girl fights off tremors. She wiggles the waistband down and stops just short of exposure. She grabs the ultrasound and starts to move it in the jell. “Just making sure everything’s healed up. I know you know, but we want to make sure the round we had to leave in hasn’t moved or anything.” 

She sees another nod further up the table. Its a few minutes before Clarke is done. “Ok. Everything is looking good.” She moves the shorts back up and replaces the gown on the girls exposed abdomen after wiping it with a towel. She can visibly see Lexa relax. The quivering subsides. _What did they do to her? No, Clarke. That’s none of your business._

The next ultrasound is easier even if she is hindered by the cloth above it. She wants to allow Lexa all the privacy and comfort she needs. Her heart looks like it’s all healed up as well, its beating strong, minimal scar tissue in the pericardium. Lexa doesn’t even seem to care about her blood being drawn. Clarke is good at it, she’s been giving I.V’s since high school, but its almost like this girl is too far in her own mind to even notice. “Alright. We’re finished here. Imaging is down this way.” She stands and holds the door open. 

“Thanks.” She says as she walks past and waits on Clarke to clear the door to catch up. 

“I never got a chance but.. Thank you, for what it’s worth. Thank you for serving and thank you for putting your life on the line to keep us safe over here.”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” The girl rubs the back of her neck as they walk together. "It's worth it." It must be a nervous habit because she did that in the gas station too when her cheeks turned pink. “Just doing my job.”And Clarke knows that she means it. Some guys say that to seem all cool or whatever but not her. The humility is sincere and real andmaybe a little too big but it looks good on her. 

“I know. I just wanted to say.. Welcome back.” She wants to give the girl a hug so badly as her eyes open slightly in shock growing slightly wetter for a second. No one ever says that, Clarke knows, thank you’s are normal enough but that… She sees the girl swallow a lump in her throat and she goes to say thank you but the words just don’t come out. They don’t have too. 

She gets her set up in the machine and waits as the pictures of her back are slowly taken. Clarke really hopes that this girl has made more progress then they expect. She seems to have at least. She deserves better, so much better. _Whoah, where is that coming from?_

 

_//_

 

Lexa lays still in the loud machine thinking of Dr. Griffin’s tenderness with her. She really was good. Nyko was right. She was thankful for that. Most doctors didn’t even pay enough attention to notice what was going on. She did and she didn’t make her feel bad about it she just accepted it without asking any questions. 

Then she had said thank you with such a genuine understand understanding and true meaning and Lexa was grateful for that. Sometimes when people thank her it just seems wrong or forced or for a show. Like a thank you for being tortured. Sometimes even it feels like she doesn't deserve it. Like she hasn't done enough. She knows it’s not meant like that at all and she appreciates the gesture but it still seems wrong in her head. But not from Clarke. Then the she said welcome back and Lexa almost broke down right then and there. Sure Nyko and Anya had welcomed her back but they were practically family and it was more from her long stent of unconsciousness then from her tour. This women didn’t know her at all, she wasn’t some news person trying to get a story out of her or someone in awe of her “heroism”, she was just a girl offering comfort she didn’t know was needed. 

The final loud buzz rattles in her ear before Dr. Griffin comes on over the intercom. “Ok. Lexa. All set.” the table she is on slides slowly from the opening from the machines and the pillows and stuff holding her in place are removed. The doctor helps her up to her feet with soft, soft, hands and an even gentler smile. A gorgeous smile framed by golden waves falling from her bun. 

“So, you’re a doctor and a gas station attendant?” She asks regaining her lost composure from earlier. It earns a chuckle from the blonde as they walk back to the exam room. Her eyes light up and her bright white teeth peak from under her pink lips. _Damn that’s cute._

“Yeah and sometimes an EMT. Gotta pay off med school. Its just part time. When I’m not here I’m sleeping or there. Sometimes sleeping there and trying not to sleep here.” She laughs again Lexa finds herself laughing slightly with her. The deep circles below the blonde’s eyes disappear for a moment. 

“Yeah, I’ve been there.” She remembers all the late nights and early mornings when she was at West Point or on one of her tours. Even in high school. Most her life really if she thought about it. “Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.” _You seem too special not too._ Running on 4 hours of sleep a night - sometimes less- isn’t sustainable. She knows that as well as anyone. 

“What about you? Those ice baths, I know you don’t want a lecture but you’re working out harder then you should. Light activity is walking at incline on a treadmill or biking easily.” 

“I’m fine. They do help a little. With the muscles. Not with the other. Which honestly is fine. Lifting doesn’t hurt bad or when I play against the girls some or in other workouts.” She assures her doctor who just raises an eyebrow at her fairly accurately calling bull shit. _Quick, change the subject._ “I’m helping coach basketball at SU and working the range at the base until I get cleared. I’m hoping I do today.” 

“Well, Captain, I hope you do too. Your tests today all looked good but those waivers are hard to get sometimes as I’m sure you know.” She smiles again. Lexa wants to see that smile more often instead of the half one she gets the nights at the gas station behind way too tired eyes. 

“Yeah. Fingers crossed and all that.” She finds herself genuinely smiling at the blonde as they walk back into the exam room. Nyko is already waiting. “Dr. Griffin says I’m looking good.” That may have come out wrong. She feels her cheeks redden, good thing Clarke is at her back. 

He grabs the images from the girl and takes a look for himself. “Lex, I know you're hopeful but try not to get them up too high.” She just nods to him as he studies the images against a light. “Wow. You are further along then I thought. These do look good, kiddo.” 

Her chest loosens up and she feels like she can breathe for the first time in awhile. “How good are we talking?” She looks at Clarke and smiles, hope exploding in her chest that felt so empty this morning. Those bright blue eyes are so soft and welcoming her throbbing heart melts a little under the bright blue gaze. 

“We’re talking clearance to start training. Though you have been doing some of that apparently.” He smiles at her, really smiles. He isn’t comforting his broken ‘little sister’ anymore. He gets to give her something she wants instead of just more bad news. “It’ll be another month or so before I can review this again and see if your ready for active duty but it’s a start. It’s a start.” 

She is beaming from ear to ear and she can’t help it. The no emotion thing has been a little hard today and last night. “I can’t promise you will get cleared even then but there is a chance now. Lexa, you have a chance.” She jumps into his arms and they surround her slight frame so easily she almost disappears. He presses a kiss to the top of her head. To hell with professionalism. “Congrats, Kiddo. I’m proud of you.” 

“Thank you, Nyko.” He lets her go and she steps back regaining her composure. 

“Don’t thank me. You're the one doing all the hard work.” He laughs. “I just tried to keep you in one piece and make sure you didn’t ruin any of my handy work.” His beeper goes off at his hip and he checks it in annoyance. “I’m sorry but I’ve got to go. Let’s celebrate tonight. Go tell Anya and we’ll set something up for dinner or something.” 

“Yeah, it’s been too long.” She just nods the last time the three of them had gotten together was in a hospital or when the two of them were trying to talk some sense into her or get her talking. Her body may be on the mend but her mind is lagging some days.. and most nights. She always caught the looks Anya and Nyko shared around her, hopefully those will stop finally. “I’ll see you tonight.” 

“Sounds like a plan. Griffin get her set then come find me.” 

The blonde just nods, her smile vaguely on her lips. “Yes, sir.” She turns to Lexa now that her boss is out of the room. “I’m so happy for you.” _You hardly know me but man I’d love if you did._ “Get changed then I’ll get you taken care of so you can get out of here. I bet you don’t like hospitals much, huh?” 

“Nah, I don’t mind them. I was basically raised in them.” Clarke's eyes flicker in sympathy. _Oh, oh. She thinks I was a sick kid or something._ “No, not like that. My dad was a Navy Doc. We moved around a lot but the hospitals were all basically the same. They feel a little like home when I’m not being being bothered by doctors.” She sees the woman’s shoulders drop. “I mean it’s not so bad when the doctor happens to be a cute blonde.” _Oh my god that did not just come out of my mouth. What the fuck is wrong with me!?_

The girls cheeks grow pink and Lexa’s own are burning, the tips of her earls feel like they have been set on fire. “I’m sorry. That just kind of slipped out.” 

“No it’s ok. My days are easier when I have ice bath enthusiasts for patients.” 

“Does that happen often?” She quips with a smile. _What, no way is this girl into her_. Well maybe. 

“Sometimes. I work this other gig where we get them all the time.” She waves her hand through the air. _Oh._ Lexa drops her head in disappointment. She must help out with the sports medicine. The hospital dose take care of the pro-teams and a lot of the local Colleges…  “Especially this one really good looking brunette with the softest crooked little smile. I get to see her like three times a week.” The doctor takes a step closer putting her hands in the pockets of her white coat and tilting her head to the side amused at the brunette’s initial disappointment. _She means you. You idiot._ The blush spreads to her ears again and her palms start getting clammy.

“Yeah?” _Could today get any better?_

“Yeah. I wouldn’t even mind making house calls. We have a pretty good ice machine here. Hate to see it go unused.” She steps out the door leaving Lexa to change and think about what the hell just happened. _Did she just..?_

Lexa changes in a hurry and tosses the gown and shorts into the trash bin before she steps out of the exam room. Her watch says its already 10:45. The blonde has her back to her bent over the nurses station talking to a slender man with darker skin. 

“Hey” She hates to interrupt. It sounded like she was helping him with something. 

“Oh, hey.” She stands and turns to face her with another bright smile. Her hair has fallen a bit from her messy bun and more golden curls frame her face. “You’re all set to go. I checked you out and everything. Dr. Washington said he would set up your next appointment.” 

“A-are you Captain Woods?” The man asks excitedly and Lexa only nods. “Wow. It’s an honor to meet you.” He extends his hand and she meets it with a hand shake. “You were a real hero, you know that? Taking out an entire camp and saving all our guys.” She feels herself put the walls back up. _Not all of them, not enough._ The fake smile comes out as she just stands there and takes the praises. She hates this _._ _The real heroes died, I just got lucky._ “I’m Jackson by the way.” 

“Nice to meet you Sir.” She looks to the blonde quickly who is just watching her as if she can see through the concrete bunker she always retreats too. She has to get out of there. “Dr. Griffin.” She nods a good bye and turns on her heel walking to leave the hospital back to the privacy of her car. 

 

//

 

“Jaxon you idiot!” She slaps him with the back of her hand in his shoulder. Pretty hard too. 

“Ouch. That hurt.” _Good. Jack ass._ “What? Don’t you know who that is? She is like a legend. First female Green Beret. She saved like 50 guys from a POW camp after being tortured herself. She even carried some out on her back and kept going back for more after breaking her leg. Rumor has it she-”

“ _She_ is a human-being and my patient. AND” She glares at him “she still is a hero, the fact that she got injured doesn’t change that.” She pokes him hard in the chest and his hand reaches up to cover what’s probably going to bruise. “You need to mind your own god damed business.” She starts to walk away but decides to teach her friend a lesson. Wheeling around with a fury that’s incapable of being contained. “Oh, and the thing about _real_ heroes, Jackson? They never think they are. So use your fucking head next time and try not to talk to someone about the literal hell they went through to keep us safe like it’s a made for TV movie. Show some respect for Christ’s sake.” 

She storms off after Lexa. She isn’t alright and something in Clarke has to make that better. Today was supposed to be a good day and her friend had just ruined that for her. She had really _really_ needed today, Clarke could just tell. Or at least she thought she could. She didn’t know Lexa or anything about her really, but for some reason she was sure she knew this.

A tall brunette turns a corner and Clarke just catches it out of the corner of her eye. She’s heading to the parking lot quickly. She can’t help but speed her walk to a jog so she makes sure she catches the fleeing soldier. She reaches the girl just as she starts to open the door. Reaching out Clarke puts a hand on her arm. “Hey.” Lexa immediately stiffens at the contact and pulls her arm away. Clarke releases her light grip and takes a step back to give her some space. “Hey, I’m sorry about him. He is a real ass sometimes and you didn’t deserve it - you don’t deserve that.” 

Those green eyes just stare back at her her mouth hanging open for a moment in surprise before she catches herself and slides back behind the mask. “It’s fine. I get that a lot.” 

“No. It’s not fine. People are inconsiderate, disrespectful.” 

“Dr. Griffin, I appreciate your concern but I am perfectly capable of handling myself.That wasn’t the first time and it certainly won’t be the last.” 

“I’m sure. I just wanted to make sure that jack ass didn’t ruin your day. And it’s Clarke. You can call me Clarke.” 

“Well, Clarke.” _God the way the k rolls off her tongue_.. Clarke wants to hear nothing else, except maybe her laugh. She smiles finally for a moment as if considering the way her name felt on her tongue before the mask goes right back up. “Thank you but it’ll take a lot more then that to ruin my day. I don’t break so easy.” _Liar._ She’s fully retreated and that wide bright smile has disappeared already behind her mask. Sure she hadn’t broken but that wasn’t what this was about. Not at all. 

“I never -“ _meant it like that. I didn’t say you were weak. You have to be the farthest thing from it, don’t you see that?_ Clarke knew she didn’t. _God you vets are fucking difficult._ “I’m sorry.” She takes another step back from the girl who she was still standing rather close to. “Now would probably be a bad time to ask you if you wanted to get coffee sometime then…” _Shit, Griffin. What you say that for? Not cool._

“No. You can ask. I just can’t guarantee the answer.” The girl smirks back - _this one is a smart ass_ \- and that makes Clarke’s stomach do funny things all over again. 

“So, do you want to get coffee sometime?” The girl just shrugs and winks before turing away. _WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? Seriously!? What a dick move._ Clarke turns back and is pushing the heavy door with a huff when she hears footsteps behind her. 

“Clarke! I’m sorry.” The girl is blushing again and her eyes seem so light. Clarke can’t help but instantly forgive her. “I don’t know why I did that. I’d love to get coffee with you sometime.” She takes out her phone, quickly unlocks it and hands it to Clarke. “Send yourself a text. I really don’t want to have to ask Nyko for your number.” 

“Yeah, lets avoid that.” Clarke chuckles as she puts her number in and sends the text. She is more then sure her boss would not be pleased but she can’t make herself care -a at all- because finally Gas Station Hottie wouldn’t be a mystery anymore. 

“Text me later. I’m free tomorrow if you are.” Something about the forwardness is endearing. “I have to go, but I’ll be looking forward to your text. Ball’s in your court, Doc.” She winks and Clarke thinks her heart is going to jump right out of her chest. Most people play the aloof game or the it happens when it happens stuff and it usually never does. This girl is different in a lot more ways then one and so far Clarke lov- likes - likes every single one. _Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SU - Seattle University
> 
> GSW - gun shot wound
> 
> Keep the comments coming guys! They mean the world. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I am writing it.


	4. Coffee Take 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's POV mostly. She visits Anya and heads to practice when an unfortunate event leads her back to the hospital and lends opportunity for a quick coffee date with a certain cute blonde doctor while she waits. Lots of fluf, sue me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long guys. I was drowning in classes and season getting started with all the travel we are doing. I'll try to update soon. No promises but I'm not done yet. To make up for the long wait here is a super long chapter. Let me know what you think!! Comments really do fuel my stories. Forgive me I'm trying my best to get it out to you. 
> 
> Also all my love to you guys after 3.07. That was some bull shit.

Getting into her car Lexa pulls her phone from where it was tucked in the waistband of her pants and flips it around in her hand. She takes a moment as she smiles at the text Clarke sent to herself. **Text me later. Don’t be an idiot.** **COFFEEEEE.** This girl seems awesome, she has a great sense of humor, at least she seems to and her sarcasm rivals Lexa’s own. Her smile is perfect. Her eyes look like the sky and the ocean all wrapped into one in every cliche metaphor you could ever imagine. AND SHE HAS A DATE WITH HER. SHE HAS A DATE! One she actually wants to go on. It’s been so long… 

She should really go talk to Anya. She’s going to be pissed if she doesn’t hear the news about her clearance in person. Pissed Anya is no fun. Sometimes normal Anya is no fun. 

**Little Lex**

**You still on the base?**

**Sis**

**Yeah, about to finish up.**

**Why, what’s up?**

 

**How you feelin?**

 

**What happened?**

 

**What did the Nyko say?**

 

**You ok?**

 

**Little Lex**

**Chill. Ayn.**

 

**Can I stop by? Grab lunch**

**before I have to drive to practice.**

 

**Sis**

**I invented chill**

**Meet you at the food court ?**

 

**Little Lex**

**Deal**

 

**And don’t quote Santa**

**Clause. It’s February and**

**the third one was terrible.**

 

**Sis**

**It was Jack Frost and**

**it’s relevant. Drive safe**

 

Lexa drops her phone on the crotch of her sweats as she shifts her car in to drive and pulls out of the hospital parking lot. Thick drops of water fall on her windshield and she slaps on her wipers. _It’s raining again - typical._ The drive to the food court is short and Lexa’s mind is wandering the whole time back to the blonde who is meant to text her. 

She’s so different. She’s bright and strong, Lexa can tell that much, but she’s so gentle and caring. There’s a lot to this girl and Lexa only hopes coffee happens tomorrow. Before she knows it she is pulling into the parking lot for the food court. Anya better be here soon Lexa’s starving. 

 

**Sis**

**Getting Charley’s**

**The usual?**

**Little Lex**

**Just parked but yes.**

**Sis**

**Ultimate club w/ extra lettuce**

**and tomato, mustard,**

**pickles, and peppers?**

 

Lexa walks up Anya as she waits in line, spotting her slicked back brown hair in a perfect bun and the flight suit a mile away. Hands in her pockets she nudges the older girl in the side who’s gazing up at the menu though she already knows what she wants. Anya falls slightly off balance but shoves a hip lightly into Lexa’s own in retaliation. Before her ‘adventures’ Anya would have had no problem putting her ass on the ground. “Ha. Ha. Very funny.” 

“I thought so.” She smiles at Lexa only like a quarter inch taller but tilting her head to look slightly down at her in mock intimidation. She slaps her cover against her hand before tucking it into calf pocket of her uniform. “Go grab us a table. I’ve got the food.” 

“No veggies Ayn. Just mayo and olives.” She warns as she shrugs out of her still dripping windbreaker. “Oh and an ice tea too please.” 

She waves at Lexa with the back of her hand “Yeah, yeah. Go sit.” She wanders over to an empty table in the corner facing the exit. Lexa slides into the booth seat so she can see most of the food court. Something about having her back exposed makes her uneasy. Anya doesn’t mind so much. 

As always there’s a lot of military guys eating. Some recognize her by the little nods they give but no one really says anything. They got that out of there systems a few months ago. There’s always one girl though that says hi Octavia She’s a boot of a 2nd LT for sure but Lexa doesn’t mind her so much. She’s eager and she likes that about the girl and she’s pretty sure she is dating Lincoln - one of her best friends from West Point. 

There’s a blonde sitting in the corner and Lexa’s mind dashes to the blonde who just asked her to coffee. Her heart had fluttered in her chest and her stomach twisted in all kinds of knots when she was around Clarke. It was nice to be pursued a little bit. The girl has such kind eyes, such gentle hands, but she’s not soft either. She’s strong, really strong - it basically flows from her pores. That much Lexa can tell. She wonders what kind of life the girl has lead. Did she play sports? Was she military? She had that air about her, at the very least an understanding. A lot of people don’t get it. How old was she? Did she have a family? What’s her favorite color? Favorite food? Music? Does she like to dance? What does she do for fun? Does she even have time for fun?

“For someone who is sizing up a room you sure aren’t paying much attention.” Anya is sitting in front of her now and reaching for the food on a trey in the middle of the table. “What’cha thinking abut kid?”

“Anya.” _I’m not a kid anymore._ “We’ve been over this.”  _Just about every time I see you. Which is almost every damn day._

Her shoulders bounce up slightly to dismiss the now 27 year old. “I’ve known you since you were six.” She unwraps the paper around her sandwich and takes hold of it pointing it at Lexa a moment before taking a bite. Her eyebrow juts over her eye as she reads the brunette, she knows something is up. “Spill.” 

“Don’t you want to hear how the appointment went?” Lexa turns the corners of her mouth up in her not-quite-almost smile attempting to change the subject. 

The older girl turns her head slightly to the side as if contemplating her options. She’s not. She never is. Lex really doesn’t even know why she tries anymore - maybe to see if Anya would let it slide just for once. “Nope. Spill.”

“You sure? Nyko wanted me to tell you something too.” Lexa dangles the distraction low hoping she’ll bite. 

“Lexa..” No such luck. 

“Fine. I’m getting coffee with someone tomorrow, hopefully. It’s not a big deal.” Lexa shrugs and soon after feels her hand at the back of her neck rubbing slowly across it. It’s a habit. Once she realizes she’s doing it she replaces her hand on her sandwich. 

Anya takes a rather large chunk of bread into her mouth. She always eats like she hasn’t in days, even when she was a kid. Except when manners were mandatory.  “I know ‘er?”

“No, don’t think so.”

“She cute?” 

“Yeah.” 

“That’s it? That’s all you’re gonna say? Com’on Lex. Give me _something_ here. This is big.” She rips off a bit of her sandwich between her teeth and reaches across the table to take a long drink of Lexa’s ice tea. Anya is smiling at her in her amused begging, she always did love to tease Lexa about this stuff. Relentlessly.

“It’s not.” She’s gone on dates, usually ones set up by Anya. It’s not like she is a _total_ loaner. Not that there is anything wrong with that though. She’s been like that pretty much her whole life. She never much saw the point to dating or ‘talking’. In fact the tradition her parents generation passed down was probably the dumbest thing she’s ever heard of, so many people get hurt. Lexa was always too busy for that anyway, if it wasn’t school it was basketball, or the military, or something. She didn’t mind it though, she’s just better on her own. Lexa shrugs more at the thought then to play it off to Anya. 

“It is. You were smiling when you were thinking. I don’t see that much anymore.” _Really? You want to bring that up now? When was I ever smiley?_ But she was. She knew she was. She was as happy go lucky of a kid as any, more then most even. She had a lot of responsibilities and pressure, and had dealt with a lot more then most, sure, but no one would’ve ever known, not that they would now but it was different. She remembers when Anya had asked her how she could be the most serious and intense person she knew but be the most relaxed and goofy at the same time. “ _You, Lexa… You’re a puzzle.”_ She had said. That was years ago now, she had been in what? Her sophomore year of high school?

“I smile.” Lexa finds herself protesting between bites of her ever so tasty sandwich. _Yeah… you really don’t._ Anya chuckles at the indignant protest from her little ‘sister’ who is almost in a pout. She’s been showing more emotion the last couple weeks and Anya can’t figure out if its because she just can’t hide behind the mask anymore or whats going on. “She works at the hospital. She’s really nice. She’s got this wavy blonde hair with these big blue eyes and the most gentle smile.” Lexa shrugs like she didn’t just talk about Clarke like that, it was a little more then she had intended- she had meant to say ‘She’s blonde with blue eyes.’ and leave it at that. _Shit_.

“Ok there, Aladdin. But, nice what? Rack?” She pretends to contemplate for a fast second before correcting herself “Na, you’ve always been an ass kind of girl.” Lexa nearly spits out the mouthful of tea at Anya’s audacity. Why this catches her off guard she’s not really sure. She knew it was coming at some point. Instead Lexa swallows as she wads up the wrapper from her sandwich and tosses it at Anya’s face as she leans forward on her elbows. It bounces off the older girls forehead, she didn’t even attempt to dodge it. Anya’s laughing now, pretty hard too, at the girl across the table from her turning a _deep_ shade of red. Lexa was always pretty _(extremely)_ vanilla (so vanilla in fact that she didn’t know what that meant the first time she was teased about it) - still is - and it is Anya’s self proclaimed life mission to make her uncomfortable. 

“Anya! Oh my _god_. I hate you. Seriously.”The tips of her ears and cheeks burn with embarrassment. As she swallows another sip of tea trying to calm the flush from her face. Her eyes rapidly scanning the people around her to make sure no one heard before she locks her glare on the light brown of Anya’s irises. “This is _exactly_ why I didn’t want to tell you. You’re insufferable.” 

“Relax will you.” She picks the paper wad from the table in font of her and tosses it back at Lexa who snatches it easily from the air before it connects with her own forehead. 

“I’ve gotta go to practice.” Lexa gets up to leave incredibly flustered and frustrated with her older sister. She never understood the way people talked about things like that. 

“Ok. Ok. I’m sorry. Tell me how the appointment went.” Lexa remains standing still a little done with her mentor starring up at her from the table. “Sit down, Lex. I’m done. I’m sorry.” 

“I’ve got bad news…” Lexa turns her head down and away from Anya as she sits. Revenge will be sweet.

“OH, Lexa. I’m so sor…”

“That I’m going to start kicking your ass again.” She looks back across the table beaming from ear to ear. Anya’s mouth had hung open for a moment before her own expression reflected Lexa’s. “Nyko cleared me to start training. He’ll check me again in a month.” 

Before Lexa can even process what is happening she’s lifted up out of her chair and into Anya’s long ass arms for a tight hug, no longer being carful of her year old injuries and that makes the hole deep in Lexa’s chest feel a little smaller. They don’t hug often, neither of them are super fond of it really, but Lexa lets out a chuckle into the top of Anya’s shoulder and hugs her back.

“I have a chance, Ayn. Nyko said I have a chance.” She rests her head on that same shoulder, the woman's collarbone digs into her forehead a bit but Lexa doesn’t really care at this point. As Anya hugs her some of the pain of the last year fades away. “I’m back.” Lexa whispers into the back of the starched collar as she allows the relief to really wash over her. 

The older girl only leans her back from the hug “You never went anywhere.” The tight arms wrap her in again. Anya takes a moment to hold Lexa close before letting them take their seats back at the table. It’s a little bit of a lie, she knows it in her heart, but it never had anything to do with the injuries like the younger girl had thought or tried to blame. Lexa never came back from the desert. Not her Little Lex. She knew some of her never would but now that her body was on its way back, she couldn’t help but hope that maybe the rest of her would finally follow. 

“Nyko want’s to celebrate tonight. You in? It’s been awhile.”

“Of course.”

“I miss it. A lot.” 

“Lex, you could have asked, anytime.” - _I’d have dropped anything._ Anya’s wanted nothing but to hang out for a very long time. Try and get part of her little sister back. The older girl’s voice softens as she takes in Lexa’s words. She had missed it too but it seemed like pulling teeth most times to try and get the three of them together like it used to be. Lexa always was making excuses and eventually Anya just let it be. 

“I know. It’s just..”

“Just what?” Lexa doesn’t care to finish what she had almost started rambling. Today was happy, it was good. She didn’t understand why these old feelings were returning or why she was suddenly thinking _and saying_ them. “Out with it, you.” 

“It was different. I’m different. You guys were worried about me and Gus isn’t here anymore..” _because of me_ “and I just… it was hard.” 

“Aw, Lex…” The older brunette reaches across the table to squeeze the younger girl’s hand briefly as her other thumb busies itself habitually with the skin at base of where her fourth finger meets her hand and lets out the smallest sigh. “Gus..” Her back stiffens at the realization of her habit and he thumb stops it’s motions across her skin. “He would be so proud of you. I’m so, _so_ , proud of you.”

“Ayn… lets not do this. Not here. Ok?” She sighs. This place is far to public for the emotions this discussion will hold. Any place felt like not the right place for it though. It wasn’t exactly a chat Lexa was looking forward too. “I’m ready, to have this conversation, but not here. I really do have to go to practice.” 

Anya only turns her lips in a soft understanding smile to reassure her - _It’s ok Sis. - It’s not, Anya._ “Ok. Soon, though.” 

“Soon.” Lexa nods as she pushes her chair out from under her with the backs of her knees as she stands only putting some of her weight on her hands placed firmly at the edge of the table. She really is ready, at least as ready as she could be. It was so long over due. So were a lot of things though. “So see you tonight?” 

“Yeah. I’ll text Nyko, lets do dinner at my house. I’ll cook, we can have a couple beers and watch the game, which game I’m not sure though. I think your _Wild_ ” she sneers as if the team name left a bad taste in her mouth “are in Chi-Town, that might get ugly though so we can watch the ManU game if you want.” She smirks across the table as Lexa steps from between it and the chair laughing and shaking her head.

The two have been at it about the hockey teams since Anya started to get into the sport in high school when a guy she liked played. She was a sort of bandwagon Hawks fan and Lexa gave her more then enough flack for it. She always retorted though that at least her team won, she had Lexa there but one day the Wild would do it and oh that would be sweet. Lexa had loved the team ever since the mini-mites roller hockey league her dad had snuck her into when she was four. She still had his coaching shirt.

“Sounds like a plan, loser.” Lexa grabs her windbreaker off the back of her chair and slides it on as she walks from the table past people who no longer watch her every move in awe. Anya follows her to the trashcan with their stuff mumbling about how she always cleans up after her. Things are returning to normal. Tonight will be good. Hopefully. 

Once they’re outside Lexa feels knuckles press into her shoulder in a light punch as the two part. Anya pulling her cover from her pocket, slapping it on her hand and placing it proudly on her head as Lexa pulls her keys from her pocket twirling them around her finger as she walks. “Have fun at practice.” 

“See you later.”

The whole drive to practice Lexa can’t help but let her mind wander back to the blonde. She might text her after practice if she doesn’t hear anything back but she reminds herself that the girl is an intern and away from her phone most of the day. She slowly starts to think about how old the girl could be. What, graduate high school at 18, that puts her graduating college at about 22, then Med school at 25-26? She is only about a year younger then probably. Cool. 

She parks the car and makes her way to the gym passing a few of the players who offer “Hey coach” She smiles at them and returns the greeting reminding them to get their asses in the gym in 5 minutes. 

“Sup Woody.” Tris, a younger player, taps her shoulder opposite of where she stands next to Lexa who is was taking in a deep breath at the sight of the empty gym. She always did. The way the polished wood shined under the lights. The quiet before the pounding of balls on the hard wood filled the room. It was her second home, next to the hospital and she loved when she had a gym to herself. 

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that.” She looks down at the shorter kid fighting a smile. There was something about her that hit a soft spot in Lexa. Maybe it was because the brunette reminded her a lot of herself. And she was that, in every sense of the word, a kid. “You ready for this weekend? Your first conference tournament.” If she knew her, which she did, Tris was _slightly_ freaking out on the inside with all the pressure of the team and even more from the pressure she would put on herself. 

“Yeah. Fuckn’ pumped.” Lexa turns her head to look down at the odd green-blue-brown eyes that are always so wide. With a simple turn of her head she begs to differ. “Ok yeah I’m a little nervous but nerves are good right? Mean I’m ready. I gotta be. The team is counting on me. We have to win to make it to march.” 

“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, kid. Enjoy it.” Lexa puts her hand onto of the girls shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “How’s the ankle feeling?” 

“Good as new.” 

“Don’t lie.” 

“Fine, hurts, but I taped it. Took like 5 Advil. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry so much, Woody.” The girl shrugs with a pat on Lexa’s shoulder and takes off at a light jog to the other end of the gym where her teammates are gathering as Lexa shakes her head. _Just go to the damned trainer._ The girl is most definitely who she would have been if she hadn’t been bread for the military. 

They get practice going and are well into the scrimmage Lexa and the other coaches are watching closely for any little tweaks they want to make. There aren’t many the team is looking good, tomorrow will be their day off they will do a shoot around the day after before traveling to California for the conference tournament. 

She see’s it happening before anyone else. A rebound runs long and is headed for the sideline Tris tracks it down and gets her hand behind it to save it but she plants her foot too firmly as she twists and flings the ball back inbounds. It isn’t but a half a second before she is on the ground. Her knee just crumpled and Lexa knew immediately, she’d seen her fair share of ACL tears over the years. 

Her stomach dropped to the floor and all the air was stolen from her lungs as she saw the slight bend of the girls knee to the side then it waiver back to the other side before it crumpled - there is really no other way to describe it. The knee just crumpled right from under her. 

Everything in the gym just freezes and the only noise is the slight hum of the lights and the fading bounce of the ball that was failed to be retrieved as the rest of the team watched their star player go down. The air has been sucked from the rafters and the life right from the court. Lexa hadn’t even realized she’d moved but she is at her mini-me’s side in a second as the other coaches gather the rest of the team in a huddle. “Lay still, Tris. It’s going to be ok.” 

Not much to her surprise the little one tries to get up “Na, Coach. I’m good”she’s falling back to the wood as he knee fails her. Lexa can only catch part of her partially from her own injury partially because she falls so awkwardly away. The girls hands ghost around her own knee wanting to hold it but not wanting to touch it at the same time as she strains her head into the semi-dusty floor. When she opens her eyes from where they had clenched tight at the pain she find’s Lexa’s and all thats in those big brown eyes usually so full of joy is panic. Pure panic. Because she knows her body and she knows what’s happened. 

The ATC checks her knee bending it, tugging and pulling at the surely demolished joint. It doesn’t feel too good, Lexa remembers, but it’s not that painful and Tris is a tough kid. Lexa stays as a quiet comfort and helps carry/limp her to the training room sharing a knowing look with Auesten. She steps from the room and pages Nyko right away and not a second later her phone is ringing. 

“What’s up kiddo? Just talked to Ayna.”

“One of my girls, Tris, just tore her ACL. Most defiantly tore it. Can you get her in for some scans so we can get on top of this thing?” 

“Tris? The mini-me? Drive her over I’ll get her in. It’s pretty sl…” 

“Don’t you dare say it’s slow. You’ll jinx it and you have to help me give Anya shit tonight about her damn hawks.” 

“Page me when you get here. Drive safe.” 

“Will do.” 

Auesten steps out to talk to Lexa just as she gets off. She tells him she got her in and will take her and he just nods. “Sucks.” He shakes his sideways in a grimace. “Hate it.”

Lexa mutters her agreence as he heads back to practice and she walks back into the training room. Tris is chilling with her back against the wall already wrapped in some ice her practice jersey thrown across the room in frustration she sits in her sports bra. Her chest is heaving from her outburst in private but now she wears a smile, weak and small, but still there. Lexa hands her a pair of crutches and the girl swings off the table. “Go grab a pair of sweats and get some dry clothes on. I’ll take you to the hospital.” 

“Oh come on, Woody. It’s not that bad. I can wait till after conference. Just slap a brace on it. It’ll be fine. I can go.” She says as she tests out the crutches, which Lexa immediately adjusts to fit right. 

“I got you in with my brother. Tris..” Lexa warns handing back her second crutch but the look in the girls eyes tells her she gets it. “Just go get changed.” 

She slides into the car Lexa had waiting a little awkwardly. “Thanks, Coach.” She leans back into the chair. The car ride is pretty much silent as the girl sits next to her with her eyes closed trying to fight the fear gripping tight at her chest and the throbbing in her leg. She jokes some with Lexa as they ride asking a million questions talking only a million miles an hour as per usual but it all stops when they pull into the parking garage. 

She goes silent and her face turns pale as they step into the hospital and Lexa pages Nyko who has her get Tris set up in the room she was in earlier. The girl sits on the edge of the exam table leaning against the wall again arms crossed over her chest trying to hide the nervous tick of her hands. “You played with a torn ACL didn’t you? So it’s not impossible.” 

“It was a partial tear and I was a junior in high school. I ended up tearing it the rest of the way and rupturing something else too. It’s not worth it. You still have three more years to play and the rest of your life to walk and be active. You might have a chance to make it pro too kid so don’t push this. Besides we don’t know if it’s torn.” Lexa didn’t want to lie to the girl but there was a small chance it wasn’t no matter how small it was.

“We know.” She looks at her knee still wrapped in ice. They sit in silence for a minute as the girl mutters how much she hates hospitals. 

“Don’t you want to be a surgeon?” 

“Yeah. A pre-med student who hates hospitals and is terrified of the doctor. Ironic isn’t it?” 

Lexa had no idea about the girl’s phobia but now it is clear in the younger girls usual steady hands trembling as she wipes them on her shorts. She starts to question and comfort Tris but the conversation is shut off by a light tap on the door as Nyko and Clarke enter. Clarke’s surprised to see the other girl so soon but can’t really hide her smile. 

“You’re Woody’s brother? Don’t look much alike, yeah?” She blurts out as he rolls the chair up to her. He runs a hand over his beard and moves to check her knee, Lexa just barely notices the flinch away from the touch she now knows isn’t from fear of pain as the younger girl takes a deep breath and tries to relax without much success. 

“Woody huh?” He flashes a smirk to Lexa who glares at him. _Not a word, Nyko. Not a damn word._ “Yeah, something like that.” Clarke nearly snorts at the nickname and the brunette’s reaction. She was slightly curious about the reference to Dr. Washington as her brother though. 

Nyko’s good with her. He always was with kids. She relaxes and Lexa’s grateful as they step out of the room so she can put on the gown for imaging. He walks Tris down as Lexa goes to take care of the check in and paper work not noticing she’s been followed buy a very cute blonde doctor. “Want to get that coffee now? She’ll be in the MRI for about 40 minutes.” 

Lexa spins from where she was working on a clipboard to find bright blue eyes and a blinding white smile. “I’d love too.” _Way to be cool, Lex._ “Thought you were going to be an idiot and not text me.”

“Yeah, you’re “brother” has had me running around like crazy today but I have a bit while he takes care of your player, what’s her name? Though I’m a little surprised he’s not having me do it.” 

“Tris. He’s basically my brother. Long story. I’m glad he’s not having you do it though.” Lexa walks over to the doctors lounge and holds the door open for Clarke after pressing in the code. “How do you take your coffee?” 

“Blacker the better. You have the code?” 

“Nyko.” She shrugs as she watches the blonde fall back into the couch with a sigh. She must have been going since Lexa left. The way her stiff frame relaxes and a weight seems to be removed from her shoulders warms Lexa’s heart. The blonde runs her hands over her head smoothing her wavy bangs back out of her face before she takes the coffee. 

“Thanks.” Lexa sits next to her on the couch but not close enough to be touching really. “Next time it’s my treat, for good coffee, not this shit.” 

“Any coffee is good coffee.” She adds as she takes a sip of her own, already perfectly mixed on it’s own. Her dad always put in the creamer and stuff in before he added the coffee. Trick number one he had said. He never gave her number two though. Maybe he didn’t have one. 

“Oh, you’re one of those..” Clarke smiles as she hides her face behind her coffee cup taking a small sip. Lexa can’t help but think how adorable her smile is as she teases her. Her nose is slightly crinkled in the middle and her eyes slightly squinted, the hints of dimples in her cheeks. 

“Which makes you a coffee snob?” She jeers back as she relaxes back into the couch a little more. Looking into those precious blue eyes over her shoulder to where Clarke has all but collapsed into the couch.

The blonde lets out a long yawn before retorting with another slightly more tired smile. “Not a snob. I just appreciate a fine brew.” 

“Sure, keep telling yourself that.. Coffee Snob.” 

“Shut up.” She lets out a light laugh followed by another small yawn. The visible tiredness the blonde can’t help but showing pulls at Lexa’s heart. She wold be ok with letting the girl lean up against her and taking a nap, or just letting her sleep while she sits and waits but before she can offer Clarke breaks the moments silence. “So, Lexa. Dogs or Cats?” 

Lexa smiles as she thinks about the dog she had growing up. Roxi, a golden doodle who never lost her puppy fur and loved to cuddle. “Dogs for sure, and big dogs. Get a small dog you..” 

“Might as well get a cat.” They finish together Clarke not missing a beat. They find themselves chuckling softly with pink cheeks as Lexa looks back over her shoulder to see the blue eyes watching her and Clarke’s ears turning slightly red. It’s been a long time since Lexa’s done that with anyone and she could get used to this.

“Ok. On to the deep stuff. What kind of ice cream?” 

“I’m going to go ahead and guess coffee for you?” Clarke nods with a smile as she sips at her cup. “Mine’s cake batter but I like coffee when that’s not available.” 

“Solid choice. Favorite drink?” 

“Adult or Kid?”

“I was thinking adult but why not both.” Clarke smiles with a laugh at Lexa’s innocence. Most would just assume adult as well. The brunette takes in the sound of Clarke’s happiness - god if it’s not the most beautiful laugh Lexa’s ever heard. 

“Rum and Sprite or a Corona. I like Tequila too but mostly Rum and Sprite or a light beer. And I am a sucker for some good chocolate milk.” 

“I’m more of a Whisky kind of girl myself or a good Budweiser. And Sunny D is where it’s at.” 

“My dad loved bourbon. Crown and Coke was his favorite. Waste of good Crown though.” She tilts her head at the memory and her uncle Bob making fun of him for it. 

Clarke points at her with the mostly empty coffee cup “I think I would have liked your dad,” she tosses the remaining coffee back and down her throat in a smooth motion. “What happened if you don’t mind me asking?” Lexa doesn’t respond right away just bends over resting her elbows at her knees and stairs into her half finished coffee. “It’s just that you speak about him in past tense, I assumed… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.” 

Knocking back the rest of her own coffee Lexa kicks her feet up on the table and leans back. “No. No it’s ok. He.. he was killed in action. He was a field surgeon, they figured out if a surgeon is on the front lines the guys have a much better chance of making it. Dad volunteered. He was taking care of one of his guys when a sniper got him. I was a senior in high school.” 

She was proud of her dad. He was a real hero. Not like her. But it still stung that he was gone. He never got to see her get accepted into West Point and Annapolis, she had gotten the phone call the day after. She had even started to call his satellite phone, forgotten about the visit to the house one of the Marines had paid her the day before in her excitement. _Dad, Dad I got in!_ Got caught in her throat when she realized she couldn’t actually tell him. And the tears of shock and joy and quickly turned into sobs of grief as a shaky hand pressed to her mouth after dropping the phone to the floor. He never got to tease her about the Army Navy rivalry, call her a grunt, tell her how she couldn’t be Army Intelligence because there was no such thing, see her become a Green Beret and tell her the Seals were better. Lots of things. He never got to do lots of things. _Fuck the desert. Fuck those bastards. Who shoots a medic?_

“He must have meant a lot to you, I’m sorry. I lost my dad too.”  The blonde whispers leaning back into the couch from where she had leaded forward to put her empty cup down, her arm just brushing Lexa’s side. She doesn’t offer anymore information so Lexa lets it ride. Putting a hand on the girls leg she gives it a squeeze. _I’m sorry too, Clarke._ “What about your mom?”

“She died when I was little.” _She was a hero too. A real one, like my dad._ “Chopper accident - went out on a support mission in a sand storm… It was just me and Dad for pretty much as long as I can remember. You?” _Fuck the desert._

“It’s um.. It’s complicated.” Her mouth turns down in a frown. A fist haphazardly lifts to her face as she rubs her tired eyes blinking past the utter exhaustion Lexa can see settling over the girls body “I’m sorry, It’s jus-”

Lexa replaces her hand on Clarke’s knee cutting her off. “It’s ok. You don’t have to apologize or explain.” _I understand. There’s stuff I don’t talk about too._ Clarke offers another small smile as another yawn works its way past her lungs. “Do you want to take a short nap? You should have a little less then 20 minutes. I wouldn’t mind.” 

“I’d hate to ruin my chances for another coffee.” Her hand touches Lexa’s for a brief second before pulling away, realizing what she did. Lexa was ok with it though but doesn’t press it again. 

“Thought this coffee was shitty?” She chides at the blonde. 

“Oh it is. The company pretty much takes care of it though.” She smiles with a blush at Lexa who goes wide eyed for a second before smiling back, softer then her smirk just seconds before. 

“You won’t be ruining your chances. I’m still expecting a text. I still have tomorrow off.” She smiles at the girl who seems to be retreating at her admission of attraction. 

“Yeah?” She straitens her back and gains some confidence, not that she was ever lacking it tough. 

“Yeah. So sleep Clarke.” Lexa loves the feel of the blonde’s name on her tongue, the way the K at the end clicks. She slides down to the end of the couch as Clarke props her legs up and Lexa places them in her lap. “You need it.” 

The blonde’s eyes are already shut as she mutters a thank you. Lexa leans back into the couch and swings her own legs up onto the table again and closes her eyes with her hands resting folded on the girls shins. 

The two jump awake at the sound of the door opening. Lexa checks her watch they each got about a 20 minute nap and she for one feels a million times better. Clarke looks re-energized as well. Though her hair has fallen a bit more out of her bun and frames her face softly. Lexa uses all her self-control to not reach out and tuck a piece behind her ear for her.

“Tris is done.” Nyko adds leaning on his hands over the back of the couch as Clarke stands up at near attention. “Lex you head in and wait with her while me and Dr. Griffen here go look at the scans.” He nods in the direction of the young doctor with a slightly threatening look that Lexa doesn’t catch. 

Lexa can here the smirk in his voice as she stands slowly her back hurting from the position she was in and trying not to show it. “Thanks Nyko.” She nods in Clarke’s direction as she steps out the door and down the hall, knocking on the door to the room as she enters. 

The younger girls cheeks are puffy and red as she wipes the back of her hand against them in attempt to hide. Lexa however catches the dark patch on the knuckles as they wipe across her face. She’s at the girls side in a moment taking her hand into hers, not even commenting on the fact that Tris is crying. Why would she? It’s ok to cry. 

The knuckles are bruised and cut open just a little bit. “Tell me you didn’t punch a wall.” Lexa scolds but only partially. She gets it. She hits things when she’s upset too. Tris only shrugs as Lexa gets out a bandage out of the cabinet in the corner of the room and wraps her hand. 

“This isn’t fair.” She mutters as Lexa places he hand back in her lap. “How could this happen? I’ve worked so hard and it’s all for nothing? I love basketball more then I love anything and this just happens? After everything I’ve been through to get here? The one thing I’ve always leaned on is gone? How could it do that to me? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Doc said he’s pretty sure I blew it completely. This is bull shit. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to me.” The girl is practically yelling now through tears and quivering breaths. “I finally made it and now this happens. Fuck what ever god is out there. This shit isn’t funny! How could you do this to me!?! Fuck you!”

“Stop it. Right now. You’re better then this.” The younger girl looks like she’s been slapped at Lexa’s firm tone. “Tris, you get to be upset. You’re allowed to be angry. But this? Feeling sorry for yourself?You’re better then that.” Lexa has to shake the feeling of deja’vu at this same conversation her and Anya had in a hospital room a lot like this one. Tris opens her mouth to retort but Lexa cuts her off. “No you’re going to listen for a second. This sucks. It does. And my heart is breaking for you, Tris, but this isn’t the end. Not even close. You have a decision to make. Are you going to fight and work you ass off in recovery and come back even better or are you going to let this define you? I’m going to be here every step of the way. You can be sad, heartbroken, angry - cry, yell,hit things - what ever you want but you don’t get to feel sorry for yourself.” 

Tris looks wide eyed up at her mentor who just finished yelling at her and Lexa feels a little like she’s kicked a puppy. “Coach..” She starts to break again but this time Lexa pulls her into a hug and lets her shoulder catch the tears as she holds the nearly hyperventilating girl. 

“Tris, you may love basketball but it’s _never_ going to love you back. It can’t. And it’s probably going to break your heart again.” She runs her hands down the girls back as she stiffens. “But.. Accept that and love it anyway because it’s worth it. The fight to get back, is so worth it. It’s not going to be easy but nothing worth while ever is. You’re going to get through this kid. Ok?” She holds the girl for a moment, Anya’s scolded her and knocked the sense back into her enough to know it’s hard to hear as much as it’s needed and her older sister was always there to comfort her afterword just like she would be for Tris. 

“Ok.” The girl leans back and sniffles into the back of her now bandaged hand. “Ok. I can do this.” 

There’s a knock on the door as it cracks. “Lex.” Nyko invites her out in to the hall to talk. 

Lexa squeezes the girl tight for a second before letting her lean back. “Damn right. I’ll be right back.” She pats the girls shoulder turning away. “Oh, and Tris, try not to break the wall with your hand.” She teases as she steps from the room and closes the door. “What’s the news, Nyko?” 

“ACL, partial tear in her Medial Meniscus and LCL. I can get her in for surgery in a week. It’s going to be a long road but it could have been worse. Lets just hope there isn’t nerve damage to her foot. We won’t find out till after surgery but that is a risk with the LCL.” 

“She’s going to ask if she can play this weekend.”

“No, There’s no way. It’ll be a stretch for her to walk. Her ankle is huge too and quite tender. I’m going to get images of that in our pre-surgical scans. She didn’t mention it but I noticed it when we were getting set up. Seriously Lexa it’s like I’m looking at you 8 years ago.” 

Lexa lets out a long sigh and she notices Clarke step closer to her from behind as a silent comfort. Usually she hates anyone behind her but the blonde’s presence isn’t so alarming. “Sucks. Fucking sucks.” 

“Yeah, really no other words for it.” Nyko sighs and pats her on the shoulder. “I’m sorry kiddo.” He puts his hand on the door handle and gives it a twist. “I’ll talk to her. Dr. Griffin, go get the paperwork.” 

Lexa is left alone in the hall for a moment as the two doctors go their separate directions. She needs a second to herself before she can step back into the room and be there for Tris. _Fucking sucks._ Why couldn’t have this happened to her? If what ever god had to have something happen it should have been to her. Not this kid who finally had everything going for her.

She presses her forehead into the tile on the wall. _God damn it._ She can feel the tightness running across her chest, her sternum constricting her heart, anger churning in her gut. It’s familiar and heartbreaking and all she wants to do is hit something so she does. 

Her knuckles meet the tile hard and a sharp pain shoots from her hand but she doesn’t shake it out. Just clenches her fist and replaces at her side. Still clenched she hits the wall again, the tile cracking and she feels the skin on her knuckles split. _This isn’t fair. It shouldn’t have happened to Tris. She didn’t deserve this._

“Didn’t you just finish a lecture about not breaking walls with hands?” The blonde girl stands at a distance allowing Lexa her space. A smile playing at her lips but worry shimmering just beneath the smirk in her eyes. Slowly Lexa feels her hand unclench from the fist as the tightness around her chest loosens. “Among other things. She can’t feel sorry for herself, but you can’t feel sorry for her either, Lexa.”

“I don’t it just.. it just sucks. She deserves better. If I could do anything to take this away from her I’d do it in a heart beat.” _I’d rather it be me._ She taps the wall with her fist again before realizing what Clarke was implying. “How?” 

“We heard the whole thing. The way Dr. Washington chuckled tells me you were on the receiving end of the lecture once or twice.” 

“Yeah. Anya, my more or less older sister. Chewed my ass out more then a few times. I needed it though.” 

“You have a lot of more or less siblings.” Clarke quips as she takes a step closer Lexa only shrugs and offers a smile. _It’s complicated._ She steps a toward her again and grabs Lexa’s wrist before she can retreat into the room.“Come on, let me make sure the only thing broken is the wall ya hypocrite.”

 

//

 

Clarke leads the protesting brunette back to an empty exam room and has her sit down as she takes a better look at the girls knuckles. The cut on the back is pretty deep from the cracked tile. Lexa smiles down at where she holds her hand gently. “You should see the other guy.”

“Looks like the other guy won.” She says with a laugh as she grabs a suture kit from the cabinet. For some reason if they make it past the coffee stage she sees this being a normal conversation. Lexa’s apologetic eyes are so big and so soft. The walls are down that have been up for god knows how long and Clakre knows she is special to get to see this. It’s been days, only hours really, they’ve ‘known’ each other but it feels _right_. 

The girl flexes her hand and wiggles her fingers. “Na. Not broken just cut it.” She speaks as if she’s done it before and Clarke suspects she probably has and she’ll probably do it again. 

“It’ll bruise but I think you’re right. Just try not to haul off and fight a building again for a while. Deal?” She looks up from where she wiped the hand clean into bright green eyes taking her every move in. 

The smile is small and bashful but real this time as the girl answers. “I can’t make any promises, Clarke.” Clarke sets back to work and injects some local anesthetic into the girls hand and rubs it gently to try to get it working faster. “They tend to pick fights with me.” 

“I’m sure they do Captain.” She makes the first stitch and the slightest twitch of the girls fingers hints that the anesthetic isn’t working fully. She stops taking the other girls hand in hers gently as she assesses the damage more. “Lexa, can you feel that?” She tilts her head up to find the forest shining at her. 

“Only a little. It’s fine.” She shrugs like it is actually no big deal. Clarke remembers her chart she had read through that morning, the girl metabolizes anesthetic like it’s her job. She should have remembered. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll give you some more. I forgot you take a larger dose.” Her hands are getting sweaty at the fact she caused the girl some more pain. 

“Clarke, it’s ok. Truly. It’s not so bad, you can finish.” Clarke smiles at the small sigh the brunette lets out when she ups the dosage anyway and she can no longer feel her hand. The sutures are perfect too, shouldn’t scar at all but she sees one already there in almost the same place. _This girl. God this girl is a piece of work._ “Thank you.” 

“No problem.” She finds herself holding the door open for the adorable brunette for the second time today. Noticing the limp in her gait is a little bigger her back a little stiffer then it was this morning. Maybe she wasn’t as healed up as they thought. 

When they return to the room where the girls actual mini-me was being talked to but Nyko and Tris are already outside. “There you are Woody. You ready? I have an exam I’m supposed to take this afternoon unless you want to stay and flirt some more.” She nudges the older girl with her crutch. “Nice hand too. We match.” She raises her hand from the crutch wiggling her fingers to compare the bandage jobs. “Blondie did a better job then you.” Tris looks back over her shoulder and winks at Clarke who is now standing next to an amused Nyko. 

“Yeah, I’m ready. Lets go you little shit. I’ll see you tonight, Nyko. Clarke.” Lexa nods in their direction before turning her attention to the girl on crutches. Clarke fights a laugh and the burning in her cheeks as Lexa nearly takes the girl by the back of the collar and drags her from the hospital. Flustered Lexa might be the most adorable thing she has ever seen. The way she is with the girl is so much like an older sibling, almost the way Bellamy is with Octavia, she can’t help but let a laugh escape her lips as the two walk away.

“Griffin. My office. Now.” She finds herself being pushed into Dr. Washington’s office much in the same way Tris was being pushed from the hospital with one of his big hands at the back of her neck. 

Wasting almost no time at all he hands her a picture frame off the desk that contains two photos as he sits in his desk and motions for her to take a seat. _Shit. She’s in trouble._ It’s Lexa, she looks so much younger here but in uniform still. An older woman’s arm is around her neck and she is pressing knuckles into a bent over Lexa’s hair that’s tied up in a tight bun that matches the older woman’s identically. The two are smiling so widely in the moment. Dr. Washington stands next to a man who looks almost exactly like him they just watch the two, standing close like the photo they were supposed to take was interrupted. The photo had caught all four of them mid-laugh.

“Sir?” Lexa looks like a little sibling with three proud older siblings but there is no family resemblance in anyone except for the two men who must be identical twins. The men are in their Army dress blues, the woman in green and khaki of the Marine Corps, Lexa is in a grey jacket with lots of buttons and medals, huge rank patches on her arms, a white strap across the front, and a red sash around her waste. A white cap has been placed on her head where the women’s hand had been. The other three have on their covers as well now. Dr. Washington’s look alike has a green beret with a red patch. Their arms are around each other and they are all smiling. “Why are you showing me this?” 

“Lexa means the world to me.” _Don’t screw this up._ “She has been through a lot. And if you hurt her, so help me…”

“Sir we.. it was just coffee.” 

“It’s more. She hasn’t smiled like that in a long time. Tell her about this and I’ll put you on scut for a month. Now get out.” He takes the photo back placing it carefully back on his desk. “And go home. You look like you’re half dead for Christ’s sake.” 

By the time Clarke is home she is already half asleep, she can’t help but think about the brunette who is no longer a mystery and how nice it was to fall asleep with her on the couch. Maybe someday it could be more then that. 

 

**Clarke Griffin**

**This is me. Not being an idiot.**

**Coffee tomorrow?**

 

**Lexa Woods**

**Hospital coffee or**

**“real” coffee?**

 

**Clarke Griffin**

**Real coffee. I know a good place**

**not too far form the hospital, The**

**Bean**

**Lexa Woods**

**I know the place. Home**

**of all coffee snobs.**

**Clarke Griffin**

**Coffee snob capitol**

**of the world, actually**

**Lexa Woods**

**Admittance is the first step**

**to recovery. I’m so proud.**

**Clarke Griffin**

**Shut up.**

 

**Is 9 ok?**

 

**Lexa Woods**

**Sounds perfect. I’ll**

**see you tomorrow.**

She falls asleep to her mind racing to possibilities and memories of the girls tired smile. _Shit Griffin. You’ve got it bad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boot - name for someone who's just gone through boot camp or OCS 
> 
> ATC - Athletic Trainer Certified (PSA, never call and athletic trainer a trainer. they hate that.)


	5. Coffee Take 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa grab coffee. In the morning Lexa is a little rushed, Clarke annoys the shit out of her roommate. Fluffy goodness because we need some of that shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll sorry the update has been so long. I've been so loaded with school and ball it's unreal. On the bright side signed some life changing paperwork and my dreams are finally starting to come true. Pretty good feeling. Anyway enjoy. Still plan on doing a lot with this so hang in there. I'm trying. Tell me what you think. Still looking for someone to run ideas off of so hit me UP!

Clarke wakes to the buzzing of her alarm and her lovely roommate yelling at her to turn that shit off. Octavia isn’t much of a morning person and Clarke gets it, sleep is a rare privilege in the Griffin-Blake house hold. The blonde sits up in bed as she shuts off the ungodly buzzer and revels in the feeling of the fuzzy blanket on her freshly shaven legs. Not feeling much like showering she pulls her hair back into a loose messy bun and twists her hair tie around the tangled mess that is her bed head. 

Reluctantly Clarke slides off of her mattress, feet finding the rough carpet beneath them and being thankful it’s not a cold hard surface like the wood in her old house. That feeling in the morning was defiantly not Clarke’s favorite. She stands in front of her closet trying to choose an outfit for her casual coffee date with the cutie, Lexa, from the gas station. 

The girl was amazing. She was soft. She was sarcastic. She was strong, and stubborn. She was caring. And as an added bonus she was hot, smoking hot but that didn’t quite cover it... the woman was utterly gorgeous, beautiful in every sense of the word and _God her eyes.._

Clarke decides on a pair of dark skinny jeans, her Sorell boots with warm socks that stick just above them, a warm over sized sweater and a scarf. Casual. Cute. Comfortable. Perfect. _Good job Griffin._ After throwing some mascara she sleepily wanders into the kitchen and pops a piece of toast in the oven with some butter spread across the top - the way her dad used to make it. Usually she’d cook but today the only thing getting her out of bed is the promise of more time with a certain brunette. 

She doesn’t want to think about maybe telling her about what happened with her parents. Her ex. Her best friend. Lexa had shared a lot about herself, more then she realized in just the way she spoke of her parents, the way her body slouched in sadness but the way her eyes had shone with pride. The way she smiles when she mentions her Dad. Clarke wonders if it ever stops hurting, when that day will come for her when she can think of her father and not want to run away. 

The smell of bread turning to carbon, the literal chemical reaction of food burning, fills the apartment and the fire alarm goes off much to Clarke’s annoyance. Apparently Octavia’s too. “What the fuck, Clarke. You can cook just about anything better then a five star restaurant but you can’t cook a damn piece of toast?” The tan girl rubs her eyes heavily yawning and stretching.

“Yeah. Yeah. Just help me get this thing to shut off.” She tosses a towel to the other girl to fan the air away from the new ungodly beeping sound. Octavia however has already taken off the old lacrosse penny off and started waving it in the air as she stands only in a pair of spandex and a sports bra. 

“There. Ya’ ass. I’m going back to bed. Try not to burn the place down.” She slips the oversized jersey over her head and pauses a moment before leaving. “Wait. You’re all dressed up, by our recent standards at least, where ya’ going so early on your day off?”

“Coffee, just across the street.” Clarke shrugs as she moves to walk out the door partially not wanting to be late, which she was running close too and she was sure Lexa was the kind of woman who was always 15 minutes early, but also partially wanting to avoid the third degree all together. 

Octavia doesn’t move and if she’s surprised, which she is, she doesn’t show it. She only quirks an eyebrow up to the side. “Like a date?” 

“I gotta go, O.” She steps out the door but her stomach flipping uncontrollably makes he peek her head back in to her best friend. “I look ok?” 

The smirk on the annoying woman’s face softens to a smile. It’s been awhile since Clarke gave anyone a chance besides hookups and one night stands. “Looking hot as always, Griff.” Clarke nods and slides out the door as she hears Octavia calling after her “I’m getting ALL the details when you get back!” 

 

//

 

Lexa’s head is pounding as she opens her eyes to a sunlit room. Empty beer bottles litter the apartment as do the empty plates that were filled with Anya’s special homemade pizza last night. Lexa sits up slowly from where she is leaned back into the couch her neck and back aching at the position she slept in. A slight twist of her shoulders releases a soothing line of pops as the tension gathered in her spine escapes. 

_Light is so loud._ Rubbing her eyes and letting out a small groan she looks at the opposite end of the couch where Nyko has his feet kicked up on the coffee table equally as passed out as Anya who is reclined in an old leather chair. Sports Center flickers on the TV in background noise and Lexa can’t help but smile in remembering that the Wild spanked the Hawks and that everything seemed back to normal. The night was filled with memories and funny stories and laughing so hard her abs still felt the aftershocks as if she did a marathon of a core workout.

She shakes her head as she slowly stands, bending at the waste to allow her hip and knee time to respond as she pulls her ass from the warn out couch - Anya’s had it since college. It really is about time she gets a new one. Lexa practically gets lost in it every time she sits down, not that she minds that - she loves it really - but it can be tough to get out of. 

With a habitual flick of her wrist she checks her watch for the time. 0858. Not too bad. Last time they did this, which was a long time ago, she was still drunk well past noon. A laugh escapes her lips at the memory of her, Anya, and the twins filing into their favorite diner back in Georgia. Lexa still drunk and the others so royally hungover they made at least 4 trips to the bathroom each. _You’re getting tame in your old age, Woods._

A nagging feeling plays in her gut. There was something she had planned for today but she couldn’t remember what it was. Nothing at the base. No practice. No doctors appointments considering Nyko’s current state. Shit. Coffee. Coffee with Dr. Grif- Clarke. Coffee with Clarke. 

Lexa all but runs into the bathroom, pulling the collar of her t-shirt over her mouth and nose and taking a sniff. OK, no BO. That’s good. But she can still smell the beer she vaguely remembers spilling last night. She swipes a washcloth off of the towel rack and runs warm water over it. She throws her shirt off into the corner and runs the cloth under her arms trying to make sure she isn’t just not smelling something. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

Using her free hand she pulls out her phone that is now at 15%. _Great job, Lexa. Truly brilliant._

**Lexa Woods**

**Not being an idiot and ditching, I**

**promise. Over slept. Be there in 10.**

 

**Forgive me?**

  **Clarke Griffin**

**I don’t know… Us coffee snobbs**

**don’t like to be kept waiting, we**

**can be pretty unforgiving when**

**people get between us and a fix**

 

**Lexa Woods**

**Two rounds on me?**

**Clarke Griffin**

**Fueling an addiction for points?**

 

**Lexa Woods**

**I’m not above it.**

**So that’s a yes?**

**Clarke Griffin**

**Depends. Get here and**

**we’ll talk ;)**

 

Lexa kicks off her sweats and underwear into the corner, pulls the hair tie from where her brown waves of mess were tied back and jumps into the shower throwing open the nob and immediately regretting her decision. The water went from freezing cold to piping hot in seconds. Damn Anya for living in a place that the water actually worked.Running soap over her body in a rush she jumps back out and steals another towel from the rack leaving puddles all over the floor and jets into Anya’s room. 

Rummaging through a drawer Lexa slides into a pair of _her_ leggings - _dammnit Anya I was looking for these._ She rushes back into the bathroom to grab her sports bra from the corner, no way any of her sisters would work. Anya was far from blessed in the department but Lexa still fit into bra’s from middle school. She skids to a stop on the wet tile and feels her stomach flip as her feet slip out from under her landing solidly on her back. 

“Son-of-a-mmm” she grumbles as she lifts her head up from the bathroom floor only to see a smirking Anya standing over her. 

“You’re an idiot.” A towel lands on her chest. “Dry that up before you kill yourself. What are you rushing for anyway?” Lexa stands slowly and slides on her bra wiping the damp cloth across the floor with her foot quickly before kicking it into the corner with the rest of her clothes. “Oh right, coffee with Dr. Hottie.” She tilts her head to contemplate the words spilling from her equally hungover mouth. “Rhymes.” She quirks down at the irritated girl before repeating it agin in somewhat of a teasing mantra. 

“Not the time, Ayn. _So_ not the time.” Lexa bumps her shoulder into her sister as she goes past her and back into her room to search the drawers for a t-shirt that’s not utterly over-worn. Not much luck. Anya’s wardrobe is pretty much the same as Lexa’s. 

“Here.” Lexa stands and turns in time to catch a piece of clothing flying across the room at her from where Anya stood in the door of her closet. She holds it up to see which article of the Anya arsenal it is. Just an old grey oversized Army hoodie Anya’s had it for years and never let her steal it - not once. “I want that back. Now go.” Anya shoos her with the back of her hand and she wastes no time heading out the bedroom door trying to find her keys - which are no where to be found. She ties her dripping hair back into a bun and spins in a circle to see her sister tossing her keys at her as she walks in the direction of the door. The flustered brunette is half way out when Anya stops her. “Lex-” 

“What. Anya.” She stops abruptly in the half way into the hall and spins back not really wanting to deal with more of Anya’s teasing. Seriously she doesn't’ have time for this right now. 

Her sneakers are shoved into her chest. “Shoes. Genius.” Anya’s hands on her shoulders give them a slight squeeze as they spin her around and push her down the hall. “Get the girl, Lex.”

Taking off at a slight jog she turns over her shoulder and tosses a confident smile back to the older brunette leaning arms crossed and crooked smile against the door frame. She will most defiantly get the girl. 

 

//

 

She sits in her usual spot in the back of the coffee shop watching the door for Lexa who’s due any minute now. When she got the text a chuckle bubbled out of her chest, Ms. I Have My Shit Together herself was running late for their second date - was it a date? - did the first coffee even count? Clarke wasn’t sure but she was just going with what ever words her brain wanted to assign to the situation. She wasn’t awake enough to argue with her own head at the moment.

A figure in a grey shirt and black pants jogs past the front window before stopping a moment at the door to take a deep breath. Clarke quickly recognizes her as her date as a hand rubs the back of her neck before finding the handle of the door to pull it open. To no surprise Lexa’s sporting a too big grey army hoodie and a pair of leggings - which is a welcome mix up from those baggy sweats. _Damn. Her legs._ The woman’s cheeks are flushed from the cool morning air and the slight exertion from wherever she jogged up from. Her hair is wet too - _good job Clarke, she was late and she even took a shower._

She walks stiffly up to the table adjusting her hip as she stands and pulling her shoulders back in attempt to stretch her back. Knowing the extent of her injuries now it’s not so unusual to Clarke but worrisome. She most certainly isn't as good as she acted in the office yesterday. However stiff her gait is she possesses a quiet confidence that has always drawn the blonde in. It’s present more some days then others but it’s out in full force this morning and Clarke just watches the women trying to conceal her slight awe. 

“Are you going into withdraw yet or do you usually drool?” She smirks down with those bright green eyes barreling deep into Clarke's soul and extends her hand. “What do you say we get that first round?”

Clarke indignantly blushes and takes up the hand before forcing the warmth from her cheeks. “I thought you owed me two?” Her hand is so soft, slightly callused where her fingers meet her palm but even those feel soft.

“Here’s the deal you get the choice of two today or you can keep the other one for another time. Fair?” Lexa takes a step and motions toward the cash register waiting to follow the blonde and Clarke gets a small feeling in her chest that tells her this is a girl who will take care of her. Not that she needed the small gesture to know that but it’s just _something_. Something extra that sparks inside her heart she though had gone cold forever. 

Clarke tools her head back to the side as she pretends to think over the options before she smiles warmly at the slightly crooked grin painted on those lips. “Mmmm, I guess that works.” She steps past Lexa and up to the young man waiting to take her order. He was new here, Clarke didn’t recognize him and she ususlly is in here at least once a day. She probably could keep the joint in business on her own - not that she really had the funds to spend but ya know - coffee addict. “You ready? It’s a tough order.” The kid only nods and focus on the keyboard ready to take it. “Large coffee, black. Triple shot of expresso.” She winks at the boy who was clearly expecting one of those skinny care-a- _mel_ what ever the fucks with a double shot of pompous ass. 

“I’ll take a Cafe Mocha - triple shot of expresso as well.” She smiles at the young man still a little caught off guard by Clarke’s wink. A small grumble makes it’s way to the blonde’s ears from where she imagines Lexa’s stomach to be which forces a playful smile onto her face as she looks at the slightly blushing brunette. “I’ll also take a ham and egg croissant. Want one?” She goes to shake her head but her stomach answers for her as they both chuckle turning their heads slightly away from where their eyes had met. “Two of those then.” 

“That’ll be $20.78.” Lexa reaches down to her hips where pockets normal rest under old cotton sweats to find that they lack existence in leggings. She still pats her legs frantically trying to hide the panic rising up in her gut. Soon her hands wanter to the waistline of her pants, then the pocket of her hoodie, then up to her chest praying the she stuck in in her bra on her way out the door - Clarke knows because this happens to her way too often then she’d care to admit. 

“Shit.” The brunette’s hands bounce back and forth between possible spots her card clearly is not cheeks growing redder every pat of her hands on the cloth. “Oh my god, you’re an idiot.” Passes in a sigh surprisingly calm for the speedy nature her hands still pat over her clothes. 

Clarke reaches out to take her forearm in her hand as she reaches to her back pocket. “Rough morning?” The green eyes dart up to meet hers sharply before they see the understanding written on Clarke’s face and soften. “Don’t worry abo-.”

“Wait! Wait - I’ve got it on my phone.” The patting resumes for a second before the girl tosses her hands into the air in frustration. “This cannot be happening.” Clarke’s mind wanders to what it might be like to explore the woman with her own hands - _bad. Bad Clarke. No. No eye sexing the pretty girl. Bad._ “Which is also apparently not anywhere on my person.” She resumes taking her credit card from the pocket on the back side of her phone case and hands it to the boy who is trying not to laugh but also looking in pity at a very flustered very red Lexa. 

“Hey, I owed you this one anyway after that hospital coffee. And, this way I have at least two more coffee dates with you.” She slowly removes her hand which had somehow found it’s way back to the other girl’s forearm and her thumb had begun circles over the soft cotton of the sweatshirt. 

The girl’s hand has found it’s way back to the back of her neck and her head is turned away as Clarke takes her card back from the kid. “I’m sorry. I’m usually not like this. I hate being late and I ne-“

“Lexa, you’re fine. I hate to admit it but this happens to me a lot. I’m just glad I live across the street so I can run home to grab my stuff when I forget it.” She shrugs. “Happens.” They step over to wait for their order and those big green eyes look back at her - _really? you’re not just saying that?_ “I swear. Besides.. you’re kinda cute when your all blushy and flustered.”

“I am not all blushy and flustered.” Her hands fidget with her hood strings then try to rest in the huge pocket at her stomach before moving on to cross in front of her chest after her right hand sneaks up to play with her ear a second. Clarke just smirks at her and takes it in as he her hands settle at her sides once she realizes she is indeed _quite blushy and flustered._ “Shut up.” 

Clarke holds up her hands in mock surrender. “I said it was cute.” The guy slides their order up on the counter watching the two closely. Clarke ignores him and reaches past to grab the food as she hands Lexa her order suppressing the laugh threatening to bubble out of her at any moment as the two walk back to the table. “So, I take it the celebration went well last night?” Lexa only looks at her quizzically confused on how she would know that. “I heard you taking to Dr. Washin- Nyko.” 

“Oh, yeah.” _Of course_. “It did.” Her face lights up thinking about it and something else melts inside of Clarke. _This girl._ “We had fun. It’s been awhile.”

“I’m glad. How long have you know him?” 

“I was maybe 7 or 8? I don’t know I’ve known him forever. Him an-“ T _he twin. Lexa has things she doesn’t talk about either._ “he was a military kid like me. 8 years older though but his Mom was another surgeon who worked with my dad. He just kinda looked out for me. Our families got close, my dad took him under his wing - even lived with us for a while when we were back state side and he was in college. Later he was with me on my first tour. Do you have siblings?”

Clarke laughs a little thinking of her friends, they weren’t siblings but they were something. Maybe the more or less sibling thing isn’t such a bad description. “Nope. Just me. A couple of my friends moved in with us when I was in middle school though. Bellamy and his sister Octavia. We are pretty close. Bell is three years older and O is a year younger and my current roommate. She’s actually Army too, Bell’s FBI.” She didn’t even want to mention Well’s. That still hurt too much. 

“Very cool. Anya, the girl I talked about, is 7 years older. Her dad graduated from West Point with my mom and grew up with my dad - that’s how they met actually. I never knew her when I was real real little but when her parents were killed she moved in with us and I got the big sister I never wanted.” The smile in the her eyes tells differently. Clarke couldn’t wait to meet this woman, if she was anything like Lexa she was incredible. “So, tell me about yourself."

“Well, let’s see..” Clarke takes a sip of her coffee finally cool enough to drink. They serve it super hot here and Lexa must have forgotten because after they sat down she took a sip, her eyebrows twitched and she’s been rubbing her tung on the backs of her teeth for the last 5 minutes. Clarke doesn’t find that distracting at all. “Grew up in Boston. Played a lot of golf. No siblings but O and Bell. Um.. Undergrad at Duke, med school at-” 

“Duke? Man, I can’t catch a break. I really liked you too. I um gotta go.” The girl across from her starts gathering her things and stands up a little out of her chair much to Clarke’s panic. _Right the UNC hat._ She offers a shit eating grin as she puts her butt back in the chair and motions with her hand for Clarke to continue. 

Clarke offers a stuck out tung in response which only fuels the girls small laugh and the blonde realizes she wants to hear that over and over. “Med school at UCSF, University of California San Francisco. First part of intern year in Boston at Mass General then transferred out here.” 

“Details. Top of your class? Bet you were. We should go golfing sometime. It’s hardly a sport but I guess-“ 

“Yeah.” Clarke teases as she takes another sip of her heavenly beverage. “Something like that. What about you?”

“Oh, gosh. Uh, born in Jacksonville. Lived in Japan, Hawaii, San Francisco, Spain, Portsmouth, 29 palms, Germany,New Port. San Diego, Annapolis. Lived with Ayna for the second half of High school in Georgia. West Point. Fort Benning again. Panama. Texas. Venezuela. I think that get’s them. Deployments don’t really count.” 

“Wow, all that moving - must have been tough?” 

“No. Not really. I had my dad. Later I had Anya, Nyko and Gus. The boys were usually at the same places. Anya moved in when I was six or something, she went to school at Culver - a military school - though so that was just in the summers really. Dad tried me there but I didn't like it.” 

“You played sports though I take it?” 

Her face lights up again from where it had slipped back to the expressionless mask, Clarke didn’t take offense, she figured it was just kind of a habit. “Dad had me in everything. Hockey, basketball, soccer, swim, Tae Kwon Do, tried dance once - hip hop - hated it.” The blonde laughs at the upturn of the girls lips. “Football. Baseball. Cross country and track- he hated that - too boring. Tennis. Softball. Wrestling once in third grade. Gymnastics when I was real little. In high school I played softball, soccer, and basketball. Then basketball at West Point- basically got me in.” 

“For some reason I highly doubt that. I golfed. The usual little kid soccer. Always hated running. Softball messed with my swing too much. No dance though. Lax in high school too. That wasn’t so bad.” 

“Never Lax’d.” She quips at the slang term. The players tended to have a reputation Clarke just shrugs, so they could be douches, big deal. “Just screwed around with the Twins some. Nyko played at UNC.” 

“And the mystery of the hat is solved.” She smiles taking the last sad sip of her coffee now gone cold. They hadn’t been here that long - had they? She notices Lexa take a sneak at her watch. “What time is it?” 

“11:30.” _Wow. Didn’t feel like that long at all._ “Mystery of the hat?” 

“You wear it a lot into the gas station. Not many people around her like UNC, or lacrosse, really.” 

“Ahh and you being a Duke grad and all…” 

“Never crossed my mind.” She winks across the table to Lexa who was taking a bite of their untouched sandwiches. Her heart threatened to beat right out of her chest when she realized the girl had no intentions of stopping their date just because of the time. 

“Sure. Sure.” She mumbles through a full mouth. “Note to self, eat these before they get cold next time.” 

Clarke notices the lack of bandage on the back of Lexa’s knuckles as her fingers sit wrapped around the sandwich. Stitches sitting uncovered and the blonde just shakes her head, did she really expect anything differently. “Nice band-aid.”

Lexa turns her knuckles to look and only shrugs. “Stitches keep it closed right? Band-aid’s are for babies.” Another bite is swallowed down her muscular neck. 

“And here I thought adults didn’t call people babies.” Clarke can feel the pink raising in her cheeks. She couldn’t help it. Lexa was just too damn cute. 

“That’s where you are mistaken.” Lexa points her coffee at her before finishing it and placing it on the table with authority before leaning forward and dropping her voice to a whisper. “Secret is, I’m really just a 12 year old stuck in this body. Freaky Friday? Yeah. Happened.” 

“I have hello kitty ones in my apartment. Just for people like you.” 

“Spiderman or G.I. Joe. Only ones that make it better. I thought you’d know that, Doc. Plus, stranger danger.” As soon as Laxa said the words stranger something changed in the air between them, not in a bad way but it’s like a realization hit them both. Clarke didn’t think she could ever be strangers with this woman. Not even while she was still the mystery Ice Girl. She was familiar and Clarke _knew_ her, even if she didn’t really. Little did she know Lexa knew her too.

Clarke concedes with a bow of her head and a small laugh to match Lexa’s own. “My mistake. How about that first and second round you owe me then?” 

“I think that’s allowable.” How badly Clarke wanted Lexa to lean over the table and press those soft lips to hers like she’s sure they had done a thousand times. But Clarke also knew that Lexa would not be the one to make that first move for some reason and she was ok with that. 

 

//

 

They talked for hours. Teasing and laughing. Smiling and blushing. Lexa learned a lot about the blonde. She loved the beach. Could even surf. She snow boarded instead of skied like Lexa. She was humble but confident. Always underselling herself. Her favorite movie was 50 first dates. She loved Adam Sandler - much to Lexa’s approval. She didn't mind action movies. Her favorite candy is anything with peanut butter. She drinks more coffee then water. She doesn’t know the genera of her favorite music which was ok because Lexa didn’t either. 

Her middle name is too embarrassing to speak of. She was a party girl in college and claimed to be able to win at any drinking game. She had a dog named Ruffas growing up, a St. Bernard that behaved worse then Beethoven. She quoted movies all the time but so did Lexa. Jackson went to medical school with her and really wasn’t a bad guy - Lexa didn’t hold a grudge. And damn. Her eyes. Clarke was just so beautiful Lexa only caught about half of what she was talking about. Hair tossed back in a loose messy bun. Scarf hanging around her neck to occasionally be rubbed up under her nose as she landed forward on her elbows. Long nimble fingers played with the material or sat idle on her upper arm as her others crossed realized across her chest. 

They only parted when Lexa’s phone which had apparently been in her hood the whole time - _fuck you Anya._ Started to vibrate. Clarke nearly fell out of her chair laughing so hard at the expression on the brunette’s face tears almost spilled down her cheeks. And Lexa couldn’t even be mad because she was even more beautiful doubled over in laughter as her hair, shining in the gentle sun through the window, fell out of her bun.

“What do you want.” Lexa answers the call with a grin at Clarke not giving her sister the satisfaction of hearing her laugh about it. She is having none of Anya’s shit today. 

Lexa immediately recognizes the voice and a pang of guilt hits her square in the chest. _Jerk_. “S-sorry, coach. I didn’t mean to bug you.”

“No, no. Tris. You’re ok. I thought it was someone else.” She hardly makes out sniffles in the background as Clarke’s laughter quiets and she looks up at Lexa who is no out of her chair concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“We’ll you know how my mom was sick?” The crack in her voice is unmistakable but she is trying to be strong and Lexa would give her that. Her mom had been sick for a long time, Leukemia she thinks. “She’s -“

“Where are you?” Lexa doesn’t need to her the rest. She knows. _Damn it. This kid couldn’t catch a break._ She grabs her keys from the table and mouths a sorry to Clarke who just nods and tells her to go. 

“The court.” 

“I’ll be right there.” She’s jogging out of the coffee shop cursing herself for leaving Clarke like that but she knew Clarke got it. 

_Damn it._


	6. Eyes Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Anya have a conversation over Gus's death. Lexa has a rough night alone till she texts a special blonde. This chapter is pretty dark and angsty, part of the Lexa war stories. 
> 
> "We're eye deep in war, Lex. People die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a dark one like I said. Hope it's not too much. Let me know what ya'll think. Don't hate me for this one. The next one is much lighter I promise and will also be up soon! Keep the comments coming I love to see them :)

Clarke was sad to see Lexa leave but then again only a little because those leggings did things to her ass. _Wow_. She just hoped Tris was ok. She knew Lexa had a huge soft spot for her and it sounded bad. Especially the look on the brunette’s face the way it turned from laughter to heartbreak in an instant. 

Later she learned the girl’s mother had died when she text Lexa to make sure everything was ok, which was dumb because clearly it wasn’t. Clarke never liked when people said someone had passed or any of that other poetic crap. People died. Just died. Their heart stopped beating. Their lungs stopped breathing. Their brain stopped thinking. And they died. That’s it. There wasn’t really anything poetic about it at all.

Lexa’s team went on to win the conference tournament and Clarke got to see her on TV. That was pretty cool. Apparently Lexa had been on the West Point team that won the National Championship, well more like the star player instead of just a girl on the team from how the announcers talked. She never mentioned that but then again Clarke didn’t mention that she won for golf while at Duke wither. 

Tris’s surgery went well. Clarke got to do a lot of it and that was pretty cool. Lexa was a worried mess the whole time. Pacing back and forth in the gallery. Nyko yelled at her over the intercom to sit her ass down or go home. She didn’t like that much. Come to think of it Lexa got a lot of privileges around that hospital most people didn’t but that didn’t surprise Clarke at all either. 

They’d gone on a few more Coffee dates and had two or three at the hospital. Clarke saw the brunette in her ACU’s and was utterly smitten at her in uniform if she wasn’t already. Camo never looked so good on someone before. Though Clarke couldn’t help teasing that she couldn'tsee Lexa. She’d even snuck a kiss to the cheek as the girl parted on her way to the range. And if she was flustered that first time at the coffee shop she was rendered utterly useless then. Cheeks bright red, shy smile, fidgety hands and all. It didn’t make it any better that Clarke had to stand a little on her tippy toes to reach or grab the center of her jacket to hold her balance as she leaned forward but Clarke didn’t mind one bit. 

The girls were taking this slow, what ever _this_ was. Neither of them were very sure, they weren’t girlfriends but they were more then friends. They were dating, but they weren't. All they knew is they were exclusive in the coffee department. Clarke was fine with going slow but she wanted to ask Lexa on a real date and she didn’t quite know how to go about doing that. Sure she could just ask but she didn’t want to scare the brunette off. She got a feeling that though she wasn’t scared of many things, but relationships may be one of them. 

 

//

 

It’s been two weeks now since she got cleared. Half way to the initial check. Nyko said that they could push it back if they needed too, there wasn’t any rush in this - but there was. Things were happening over there and Lexa knew she was needed. She wasn’t done. Her job wasn’t finished. That much she knew. What else she had to do she wasn’t sure but there was something. 

She had been on a few more coffee dates with Clarke. They were probably the best few hours she’s ever had - ok maybe not that extreme but pretty close. Her chest no longer felt this gaping hole. She felt warm and happy for the first time in so long. There was still a weight on her heart and her shoulders but something told her that would go away eventually too with Clarke’s help. Or it wouldn’t. Lexa didn’t know what scared her more. For what ever reason she found herself terrified of happiness - because it could end and she knew she would not recover. 

When they had coffee two days ago at one of Tris’s checkups Lexa was in her ACU’s. Lexa had to drop the girl back of at campus before she headed to the range. After her mother’s death she had taken in the girl, as much as a college aged woman needed taking in. Tris was independent, more so then a lot of people but in her drugged state and not being able to get around Lexa extended the offer. The girl refused at first but she agreed to stay at Lexa’s until she could get around on her own. The surgery ended up being pretty extensive. 

Lexa just thanked whoever was out there that the girl hand’t seen Clarke kiss her on the cheek. The blonde had given her a hug good bye but before pulling away completely leaned in and brushed her soft warm lips to Lexa’s cheek. Lexa’s ears had never turned so red. The girl had her ACU’s fisted at the flat of Lexa’s chest and had to stand slightly on her toes, not because she was that much shorter then Lexa - which she wasn’t - but because of the angle. Lexa was frozen in her tracks. Her mouth went try, her tongue forgot how to work, her brain forgot how to function and all she could do after Clarke turned away to answer a page was duck her head and rub the back of her neck. She hated that habit, she really did - because Clarke looked over her shoulder and caught the motion and the shy smile and her eyes brightened as her eyebrows softened on her face from the frustration of the page calling her away from their coffee 4 minutes early. 

She was developing a friendship with this woman and the more Lexa learned about her the more she wanted too. She was special and that scared Lexa more then anything she’s ever faced -and she’s faced a lot. 

Anya was too annoying about the whole deal. Supportive at times but mostly annoying. _When you going to ask her on a real date, Lex? You kiss yet Lex? Hold hands yet? Sex? How many times you going to get coffee, Lex? Has she seen you in uniform yet? What’s she like? - Chill out Anya._

She was on her way to talk to her sister now actually who was waiting for her at her apartment. The sun had just set but that didn’t mean much it was winter still so it was about 5:45. This could prove to be a very long night - they were finally going to have the Gus discussion. Lexa needed a drink and she planned on having one once she got back to her apartment. Tris was at a team party and wouldn’t be back all weekend - Lexa was proud of her progress. 

She walked in the door opening it heavily with her hip as he arms were full with scouting reports she needed to do for Monday - by some miracle they made it to the dance. Anya was reclined on her couch, feet on the coffee table watching Sports Center. She turned her head up and back as Lexa placed the videos and papers on the table with a huff and quickly turned off the TV and stood to welcome her clearly stressed sister. 

Walking around the island in the middle of the kitchen she grabs a cup of coffee from the pot and hands it to Lexa who takes a sip - just the way she likes it. Anya really does take good care of her. She gulps at the thought that she could lose her after tonight. 

Lexa rolls her shoulders back and shifts her spine trying to ward up the stiffness that’s settled. Her back had been killing her all day. Sensing the younger woman’s tension Anya steps behind her sister and rubs her shoulders for a moment it always helped Lexa to relax and she knew Lexa was hurting - she was pushing too hard - but tonight wasn’t the night for that lecture. “Thanks, Ayn.” 

“Anytime, sis. Rough day?” She already knew. Indra had told her. This morning’s training session was stopped by Lexa who usually pushed past everything. She took herself out of the workout simply unable to go any longer. 

“I’ve had better.” The pair walk to the couch and sit down. Lexa usually prefers the floor but it would be too uncomfortable today with the way her back has been feeling. “An-“ 

“We don’t have to do this, Lex.” Lexa finds a hand on her knee. “If you’re still not rea-“

Lexa cuts off her sister this time. She needs to talk about it, she needs to tell Anya what exactly happened so she can get some closure. She sees the way her sister still plays where a ring should be, she’s been there at night when she rolls over to where Gus should be in their bed. Anya should know it was her fault. “No. No.” Lexa just shakes her head and lets out a sigh. _We’re doing this._ “Do you want to ask questions or do you just want me to tell you what happened then you ask?” 

“Lex...”

“I’ll just start, ok? I’m so sorry, Anya.” She takes a deep breath before beginning. This was going to be incredibly difficult. 

“We were sent on a rescue mission for one of our assets. We were to do what we could - Gus, Shuler, Vickerman and I - damage and intel wise and get her out. It was too quiet. One of our drones had us set for about 20 or so hostiles. No one was in sight. Neither of us liked it. Gus wanted to leave but we needed to get that girl out of there…

We heard yelling from inside the camp, terrible terrible sounds. We made the decision to get her out now instead of sending a full raid. We were deep into their territory and our ride out was on the way. Well the second one, Tuck's crew got called out. That girl in there.. What she was going through.. They snuck up behind where we were sitting as we listened to the screaming and started our assault forward.

I was shot in the back, I didn’t even know it. Gus was ok though so we fought. I didn’t know where Vick and Schu were, off on the other side somewhere. We split into two teams. We got out of it. We fell a bit down this little cliff toward the camp so we just decided to rush in since we were already down there. Well I decided. I was the CO on the mission. 

We lost coms with Vick and Schu, but they didn’t have any fighting on their side so I though they still had our cover. The girl was in a room we found after we cleared half of the building. I walked in to get her as Gus waited at the door. My move to do that cost him his life eventually I think. We were taken then. Overwhelmed by shear numbers. I don’t know where they all came from...we had just cleared half of the building and it wasn’t that big. 

I should have listed to him. He was older and more experienced then me but I out ranked him and I made the decision to go against his gut. I didn’t think it through. We fought as best we could from there. Got the door shut to hold them off while we got the girl out of the back. I climbed up first because I was smaller and Gus was going to hand me the girl.. to pull her through before he climbed up. I wasn’t tall enough to hold her up high enough. She was unconscious at that point. 

I was close behind with losing a lot of blood. We got the girl upand I reached down to help Gus as they were about to breach the door. I had him almost up when they did. Gus dropped a frag grenade to slow them and it worked for a bit. He was carrying the girl out and I was working on covering our backs but I got shot below the ribs and dropped leaving his back exposed. He turned and grabbed my collar. We hadn’t worn Kevlar, too heavy. Should have. We should have. 

He was dragging me to a covered position, Schu and Vick were doing their best to cover us from their vantage point. I slowed Gus down too much so he quit dragging me, I ordered him too. And I got up as he ran ahead with the target. I took too long and as he was coming back for me to pick me up he left himself exposed… Schu and Vick had been over run too after they gave their position. There was just so many of them. 

They shot him and he fell beside me, I thought he was dead. I backed away trying to get to the girl to protect her but I was shot again in the leg. I saw Gus getting up but they were on him they sat him up started just cutting him all over. I could tell he was almost done. He begged me to shoot him to end it but before I could one of their guys kicked my gun from my hand. I was going to shoot him. They were doing terrible things to him but I couldn’t find the strength to lift my gun from my side. The guy came up beside me and kicked the gun away as I watched them kill him. I don’t know why they kept me alive.

If I hadn’t gotten shot. If I’d been a better spotter and saw the guys up behind us instead of listening to that girl’s screams. If I’d been quicker or stayed by his side… Gus died trying to save me. Anya I’m so sorry. I should have told you sooner but I couldn’t.” 

She dug her teeth down, clenching her jaw willing the stinging in her eyes to go away. She could hear it again, feel it again. See her big brother fall next to her, lifeless, then watch it happen again the second time even worse then the first. Lexa’s brought back to reality by Anya’s arms wrapped around her. She lets it happen from where she pressed her elbows into her knees and her hands together in front of her. Thinking that maybe if she strained hard enough it wouldn’t hurt her heart so bad. But Anya pulled her sideways and Lexa let her. Lexa can feel the tears on the older woman’s cheeks as they press into her forehead where they hold her. _Anya never cries_. “I’m so sorry. I was supposed to bring him home. He was my responsibility, all three of them were. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save him.” 

“Shhhhhh, Lex.” She cradles her little sister to her chest as she rambles about saving their family, Anya’s husband, her own big brother. “It’s ok. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you, Lexa. No one blames you. We’re eyes deep in war, Sis. People die.” 

“He shouldn’t have. I should have been better. I was trained better. I picked him for the mission. It should have been me. It should have been me. How can you ever forgive me? I was going to shoot him.”

“You should have told me.” Her voice was soft as her arms wrapped Lexa to her. Rocking slightly back and forth on the couch as the contact unraveled Lexa’s strong walls and was nearly crying. “You’ve been carrying this for over a year, alone. You should have told me.” 

“I couldn’t. I-I don't know what was worse that I almost shot him or I couldn’t do it and save him from that torture. I couldn’t tell you that. It’s shameful.”

“Sis.” She presses her lips to the top of the shaking girl’s head. “You can always, always, tell me anything. It wasn’t your fault, it was an impossible situation. He - he would be so proud of you. The lives you saved, Lexa. Surviving. Fighting though recovery. He would be so damn proud.” The quivering stops but Anya holds her in her arms with no intention of letting her go. 

The older girl’s heart is breaking for Lexa all over again. Hearing about Gus’s death first hand was hard but the pain Lexa was in was unbearable. When had her little sister grown into such big, heavy, shoes? “I’m so damn proud of you.” She thinks she hears Lexa mutter something so she starts talking again. “I love Gus with all of my heart but I love you just as much. I never blamed you. Not for a second. Not for not shooting him, not for thinking about it.” There was no good option there really. Lexa had been put in an impossible situation that only got worse.

Some time ago Anya wondered if Gus got the better end of the deal when she sat helplessly beside the hospital bed while Lexa tried to recover. They didn’t know what all had happened but the injuries gave a good enough picture. Lexa’s never spoken of it. “I still miss him, every day, but it’s ok because I still have you. Lex you can’t keep punishing yourself for something you couldn’t control, Gus wouldn’t want that.” 

“It should have been me. He would have saved more people in that camp. I was too weak to get everyone out. We made a promise to get everyone out, me and Gus, every last one of them. He died trying to keep that promise and I couldn’t get him out. I tried so hard Anya.”

“I know. I know.” Lexa quiets in her sisters arms, the shaking stops but she makes no move to pull back so Anya lets her stay. _Damn this war._

Lexa pulls out of the embrace slowly. “So you don’t hate me? For almost… for not…” 

“I could never hate you.” Anya peeks over her sister’s shoulder as she brushes her thumb along her cheek. The glowing time shines from the clock on the wall. “Shit Lex, I gotta go.” She didn’t realize how late it’d gotten. “I’m due at the base in an hour. I’m so sorry. Will you be ok?”

“It’s ok. Go.” Anya hesitates as she stands up guilt pulling at her chest. “Anya I’m fine.” Lexa knows that’s bullshit but Uncke Sam doesn’t wait for anyone and she could get in a decent amount of trouble for being late. “Promise.” 

Anya kisses her on her forehead and tells her not to do anything stupid before she heads out the door. Lexa stands and walks to her liquor cabinet to pour herself a drink. It’s just past midnight as her phone dings and a white box pops up. She downs a shot at the reminder. Not a moment later she tosses a second shot back. “Cheers to you cowards.” Another shot. “Congrats on a job well done.” Another shot. 

 

_//_

 

**Lexa Woods**

**Wanna comm ober**

 

Clarke looks down at her phone. Something wasn’t right. She and Lexa had been texting for a few weeks now and Lexa always used correct grammar. 

 

**I gave coffee**

**have**

 

**noy thr bad kind**

 

She was most defiantly drunk. That much Clarke could tell and that was worrisome enough to the blonde without a weird feeling in her gut. As she was walking out of the hospital she nods to Jax as he walks in for the start of his shift and dials Lexa’s number. 

“Who dis?” A slight chuckle on the other line. “Clarke?”

“Lexa are you ok?” 

“Fine.” A pause.

“Lexa?”

“Do you know what today is, Clarke?” Nope no idea but she sensed it wasn’t good. She held the phone to her ear with her shoulder as she dug the keys from her pocket. “The day my father died, Clarke.” 

“Is Anya with you?” She knew Nyko wasn’t and she didn’t really think Lexa was close with many other people. 

“No. She had to go fly her arioplanee.” 

“I’m coming over. Tell me where you live.” The next 30 minutes is a slured mess of instructions on how to find her apartment but when Clarke finally arrives Lexa lets her in.

The woman is hanging onto the doorpost sipping bourbon straight from the bottle. By sipping Clarke meant drinking. There wasn’t anything small about it.

“Clarke, can I ask you a question?” She stumbles in after the blonde after inviting her in with a wave of a hand. 

“Sure, Lex. First let’s get you some water.” She finds a cup in the sink an rinses it before filling it and handing it to the women now slouched in one of the chairs at the island. “Drink some of that then ask me. Do you have any bread?” 

“Yah, The drawer by your foot. Black berry jelly pleasee.” 

“What do you want to ask?” Clarke braces herself for the worst as she fishes jelly out of the fridge and spreads it before handing it over to the woman. Trading it for the now empty bottle of bourbon. God she hopes it already had some gone.. “Three bites first.”

Lexa obeys “How.. How can we win a war no one believes is even a war? They deny it. Better yet, Clarke, How are we supposed to fight a war when only one side plays by the rules? How are there even any rules? He was a doctor. You aren’t supposed to shoot the doctors.” She takes another three bites of toast. “There’s a lot of things you’re not supposed to do and we don’t but they do. How will it ever end?” 

Clarke is truly at a loss for words. 

Lexa bows her head forward and wobbles in her chair. “It’ll never end. Our parents fought, now we’re fighting. It’ll never stop. The killing will never stop. How can human beings do that to one another, Clarke? I don’t understand. We’re all just people. Just people. I gotta pee.” She was talking so casually about the topic. Not distraught or upset like some would be. But sad as she shook her head like she’d been thinking about this for a long time. 

The girl stands and stumbles her way into the bathroom for a long few minutes while Clarke wipes off the counter and grabs another piece of bread and refills the water. This wan’t how she was expecting her night to go but she wasn’t mad. She couldn’t be mad at Lexa for this.She was battling a lot of things and Clarke could not fault her for that. She imagined Lexa buried this and the thing about burying stuff is it always comes back twice as worse. If the words coming out of the woman weren’t so sad Clarke would find it a little cute.

The brunette reappears in the door frame no longer in a pair of kaki’s and her coaching shirt but basketball shorts and a large crewneck. Green iris peek out below hooded eyelids, Clarke knows how she feels. She’s been going for 48 hours on 3 of sleep. “Let’s get you into bed, yeah?” 

“Okay.” Clarke follows Lexa into the room and helps her up and in before sliding the covers over the now shaking brunette. “You didn’t answer the question, Clarke. I like the way your names feels on my tongue, Clarke. I can’t feel my tongue. Or my face really. So, Clarke?” 

“Oh, Lexa, I don’t know.” Clarke takes a seat on the edge of the bed. The girls brown waves taken down from the ponytail she was sporting earlier frame her face on the soft pillow. Clarke's hand, with a mind of it’s own apparently, reaches out and strokes her head. 

“Will you stay and talk a while? I know you’re tired but I like your company.” She pauses as she sits up a little. “I really don’t want to face this night alone.” She whispers and there is something so pure about the way she says it. Not needy, not a plea, not sad, just simple quiet - _drunken_ \- honesty.

Her green eyes grow wide and god damnit she looked like a puppy right now. A cute sad little puppy. “Of course. Can I change out of my scrubs first?” Clarke had a feeling she would be sleeping over and day old scrubs were not exactly the most comfortable attire. 

“The clothes on the chair are clean. If you don’t have any. You look cute in scrubs. Your butt looks good in them.”

Clarke feel her cheeks turing red as she finds the chair and lets out a chuckle at the drunken confession. “Thanks.” 

Looking back at the brunette she notes a slight nod telling her that’s the one but Lexa looks away at the opposite wall to afford Clarke privacy where she was taking off her shirt. “You’d look beautiful in anything, Clarke.” She didn’t mind changing in front of Lexa but still even completely wasted the girl was shy. Clarke settled on a t-shirt and pair off old cotton sweats. She could get used to wearing Lexa’s clothes. 

She sits on the half of the bed not taken by the inebriated brunette facing her and returns to running her hands through her hair. “War is hard, Clarke. It takes so much and never really gives anything in return.” 

Clarke’s curiosity was getting the better of her but she could tell Lexa wanted to talk about it. She couldn’t figure out if asking her while she was drunk was cheating or not though. “Why, why’d you do it?” 

Lexa’s bing green eyes looked up at her and she offered a sad smile as she understood the question. “I was born for it, made for it.” She sighed. “Better me then someone else. I couldn’t just let other people go. I have to protect people. Innocent people, not innocent people. Not just Americans. They need us over there, Clarke. The bad guys in this… They are so bad. So bad. And no one will fight for the good ones.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to tell. When they are all wrapped in similar clothes, who’s good and who’s bad. I think that’s why people just assume. If only you could actually wear your heart on your sleeve. But some people, bad people would ignore it. Like they do the red cross.” 

“I knew since I was little I’d join the military. Since before I can remember. Dad called me little Heda.” She closed her eyes. “I said I’d be head a’ the army, I said it so fast and so often trying tomake him laugh, and he did always. Heda. I miss him.” 

“Were you scared when you were over there?” 

“To die? No. No. Not to die.” She shook her head and buried herself further into the bed. “Death does not scare me.” Clarke knew something did but Lexa wouldn’t say and Clarke wouldn’t push her. Especially not when she was drunk. “I am so tired, Clarke.” 

Clarke knew that she didn’t mean from a long day or lack of sleep. Lexa’s soul was tired. Just tired. Clarke got it. Her’s was too, in different ways maybe, but then again maybe not so different after all. “Sleep.” 

The girl sits up again and maneuvers her back, even in her relaxed state her back bothers her. The sweatshirt is pulled over her head to reveal a orange sports bra on tanned skin. Clarke’s tongue gets caught in her throat. She saw Lexa in a sports bra in the office she just had to convince herself this was the same - it wasn’t - it so wasn’t. 

Lexa lays back down on her back with another sigh one arm behind her head the other across her stomach over top of the blankets. “They don’t bother you do they?”

“What?” 

“My scars.” She heard it in the question, in the soft bashful words. _They aren’t too ugly? Not too violent, are they? They tell too much of what happened to me, that doesn’t change how you see me does it?_

Clarke swallows hard. “No. No, Lexa, they don’t.” The girl rolls over on her side facing away from the blonde and Clarke nearly gasps as the blankets slip from where they were hiding the woman’s back. She hadn’t really seen the markings across the brunette’s back nor the intricate tattoos that blended some of the scarring into it’s design. How can such as small back hold so much suffering? Clarke lays down exhaustion taking over. “Is this ok? I can sleep on the couch.” 

“Yeah.” The brunette is trembling again from the alcohol and Clarke slides in behind her and hugs her close to her chest. Lexa feels surprisingly fragile and small in Clarke’s arms. She tenses a moment before taking a deep breath and relaxing further into the blonde’s hold. “You must be special, Clarke.” 

“Why’s that?” Clarke’s exhaustion is threatening her as she curls into Lexa in her soft bed. Enjoying every second of holding the hurting girl.

“Ever since… I panic when someone is behind me, but now.. now I feel safe.” It’s a soft confession but it nearly brings tears to Clarke’s eyes. She want’s to protect Lexa forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ACUs - Army Combat Uniform (the camo stuff)


	7. Smitten' as a Mitten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes up to Clarke in her bed, the worst hangover ever, and absolutely no memory of the night before. Clarke doesn't give her any options with how her day is going to go and Lexa has absolutely no complaints.. well maybe one.. does today have to end? 
> 
> IT'S SO FLUFFY I COULD DIE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many updates so quickly, trying to make up for those few weeks I was bad to you guys. Love this chapter, really and it's pretty long so enjoy!! Please tell me what you think. Next update could be a little bit but I'll do my best to get it done. These next two weeks school is getting crazy. Seriously though, I'm expecting mad comments for this one ;) don't disappoint

Clarke slides in bed behind Lexa who is massively hungover from the night before and wraps her arm around her. Clarke’s knee bumps just below her butt as Lexa slides from her sleep slowly becoming aware of what is happening. Immediately she freezes and stiffens as Clarke presses to her back. Her eyes fly open and she doesn’t know what to do. Panic is running through her brain. It’s Clarke, she knows it is. She can smell the lavender and coconut shampoo and the sweet smelling perfume, the mens deodorant. But it’s still pulling her into a fit of panic. _What happened last night that Clarke is sleeping in my bed? What did we do? Why is she here? What did I do?_ She notices she has on a sports bra and her favorite basketball shorts not at all what she was wearing the night before when Anya was over. 

“Lexa?” Her muscles are still stiff as Clarke leans away from her moving her arm draped around her stomach to rub her arm resting above the blankets. She turns her head over her shoulder to look at the blonde, blue eyes wide taking in her expression. The room is bright with the morning sun and she only groans in response at the raging headache slowly spreading to the rest of her body instead of the thousands of questions she wants to ask. 

Clarke slides out of the bed and around to the other side to face Lexa she sits on the edge of the bed and brushes her hair from the side of her face. Lexa notices she’s wearing one of her t-shirts and a pair of her old sweats. If she wasn’t so concerned with the happenings of last night or still a little panicked by the feeling of someone behind her she’d smile at the sight despite her ensuing hangover. “Clarke?” She wasn't with her when the night started.. 

“You don’t remember last night, do you?” She just looks wide eyed at the girl in front of her pulling the blanket up to cover her scar riddled body. “It’s ok. Nothing happened.” She pulls her hand back from where it was moving the hair from Lexa’s face. “You text me as I was getting off my shift at the hospital and I came over. Your directions were a little difficult to follow.” 

“Oh, no.” She blushes and presses her head into her pillow. “You didn’t have to come, It’s not like - “ _we’re dating or anything. What are we?_ “I’m so sorry. You don’t get enough sleep any way as it is…” 

“I’m glad you text me. Taking care of you was more important. You were having a pretty rough night.” _Oh, no. No, no, no._ “Remember anything?” 

“No.” But she had an idea. She remembers being upset after talking to Anya about Gus and knew it was the anniversary of her father’s death she’d been ok about that for years but this year in particular had been rather… difficult… No, this was not good at all.She just hoped it didn’t get too intense to scare Clarke away. 

Her stomach churns and her head starts to spin. She’s been drunk enough times to know what happens soon after. She throws the blankets off of her and gets to the bathroom just in time to throw up in the toilet. Kneeling in front of the porcelain hugging her arms around it as her body tries to rid itself of the poison her eyes begin to water. 

Soft hands run circles over her back and hold her hair from her neck as they tie it expertly in a bun on the back of her head. She leaves Lexa sitting over the toilet for a moment to find Advil, some other pill from her purse and a gatorade. “Take these. Drink this.” Her body stiffens as she loses the rest of the contents of her stomach into the toilet. After a moment Clarke hands the goods over and Lexa does what she’s told. “I may be able to have Nyko bring over a banana bag. Knock that hangover right out.” She smiles as her hands return to rubbing small circles on her back. 

Lexa’s eyes go wide at the suggestion. Nyko is basically her big brother and no matter how old she is she doesn't really want the semi-lecture or the worried look. “No. God no. Please, _please_ , don’t call Nyko.” 

The blonde crouched behind her only chuckles as she helps her up. “Alright.” She hands her a towel to wipe her mouth as she leads her to the kitchen pausing a moment to let her brush her teeth. “Com’on let’s get some food in you.”

She grabs her favorite old crewneck from off the floor and slides it over her head as she follows the blonde. “D-don’t you have to be at the hospital soon?” Lexa says checking her empty wrist for the time. _Where is my watch?_

“Nope. Got the day off. No EMT shift either. And you’ll be happy to know I quit the gas station. So your hungover ass is stuck with me.” She grins again as she makes sure Lexa is in one of the bar stools by the island.Clarke opens drawers until she finds bread she immediately pops in the toaster and finds the coffee stuff and gets a pot going. “How you feeling?” 

“Like I drank to much.” She groans and lays her head down on the counter onto of crossed arms. She’s fine with forgetting last night and continuing with spending time with Clarke, no matter how shitty she feels.

Clarke laughs and shakes her head in the corner of her vision. “Maybe a little.” She pushes a glass of water at her, not having to tell her to drink. “Do you have stuff for omelets?” She opens the fridge which is usually sparse but now full from Anya making sure Lexa had enough food. She does that sometimes. Lexa used to get mad at her for it - she could take care of herself but she learned to let it happen. It made Anya feel better that she could do that for her so she let it slide. 

“You cook?” She can practically feel Clarke’s smiling gaze at her as she deals with the headache from her detoxing body. 

“I dabble.”

“Eggs are on the middle shelf. There is bacon and sausage in the bottom drawer, ham and turkey in the other one. Cheese is in the same drawer as the lunch meet.”

“Veggies?” 

Lexa lifts her head from the table enough to look at the blonde bent over in the fridge and twists her face. “Gross, no.”

Clarke is laughing again as she pulls the meat from the fridge and gets it started in a skillet. “You’re telling me, Miss Fit, doesn’t eat her vegetables?” 

“Yep. Can’t do it.” 

“You’re ridiculous.” 

“You sound like Anya.”

“I knew I liked her.” The toast pops from the toaster a perfect golden brown. She spread butter over each piece before finding the blackberry jelly in the fridge and adding that to the top. _How did she know?_ She puts it on a plate in front of her, the bread sliding around the smooth surface as it’s pushed across the counter. “Eat.” 

Clarke has returned to cooking the bacon and sausage for the omelets. She checks the cabinets for spices and returns with one that’s a red color. Lexa hadn’t cooked in a long time. She didn’t even know she had spices - _Anya_. 

“Key to a good omelet is paprika and mozzarella.” She takes the plate now void of the bread save some crumbs and a smear of the jelly and puts the omelet on it sliding it to her from across the counter. The metal of a fork slides after it shortly. Before she knows it a cup of coffee is being poured in front of her as well. “How do you take your coffee?” 

“Three spoons of Ovalteen and some french vanilla creamer.” The blonde quirks up an eyebrows. “What? It’s good. Don’t knock it till you try it.” She takes a bite of her eggs that smell delicious as they taste by the way. “Mmmmm. These are good.” The best omelet she’s probably ever had and she loved omelets. 

“Told you I can cook.” Clarke smirks at her over her shoulder. 

“Eggs hardly count as cooking. I can even do eggs.”

“Says the girl who lives off grilled chicken, boxed soup, Dinosaur Eggs, and coffee.” 

“How?” Clarke just shrugs her shoulders playfully. “If it was Nyko I’ll kick his ass.” 

“Shut up and eat your damn eggs.” She laughs as she finishes making her own and leans on one elbow against the island across from Lexa eating as she eats with the other - she’s a lefty Lexa notes in her mind. She watches the brunette with a smile as she eats. “Feeling better?” 

“Yeah, actually, thanks.” She takes the empty plate from her hand and rinses it before putting it in the dishwasher. This girl is awesome. _Wife her up._ Gus’s voice plays in the back of her mind. When he teased Nyko about a girl who cooked for him - one who wasn’t Anya. Lexa takes a moment to remind herself to slow down. They were still just getting coffee and being friends, they hadn’t so much as really even held hands yet. Though apparently they had cuddled. “Really you don’t have to stay. You can go rest if you want. I’m sure you don’t get many days off. I’m really sorry I text you last night.” 

“Lexa, quit apologizing.” A still wet hand finds hers across the counter and gives it a small squeeze. “I’m _really_ glad you did. Aaannddd I already told you,” She points at her with a soapy spatula she used to cook the eggs “you’re not getting rid of me today. I don’t get many days off and if it’s ok with you I’d like to spend it here. Resting and being lazy with you.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I think that’s ok.” She smiles at the blonde pretty glad she is so forward. The day with Clarke sounds nice. They’ve only gone to coffee a few times and chatted at the hospital some but this will be good. 

“Good.” Clarke concedes following the girl into the living room where she sits on the floor against a char. Her second cup of coffee full and mug pressed to her face just below her nose taking in the warmth. “There is a chair and a couch you know. You don’t have to sit on the floor.” 

“I like it.” The girl shrugs but Clarke is a little disappointed the brunette didn't pick up on the hint. She does though, like sitting on the floor, she always has. Nyko and Anya are the only reason she has furniture really. She can feel Clarke watching her as she turns on the TV and flips to Sports Center from Mike and Mike before realizing Clarke may not like sports. “Anything you want to watch?” 

“No this is fine. Not surprising at all either.” She chuckles and shakes her head as Lexa looks over her shoulder. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re a jock. Lexa. A cute jock, but a jock.”

“Oh?” 

“Not a bad thing.” She holds up her hands in surrender. “You coach basketball, you work out constantly, and you played basketball at West Point. I’m pretty sure your entire closet is shorts, sweats, t-shirts and either quarter zips or hoodies. And I’m also fairly confident the only skirt you own is from your dress blues.” 

“We don’t have skirts anymore but point noted. And I do have on a crew neck at the moment so you’re missing a key part to the Lexa wardrobe.” She can’t help but smile. “Wait you’ve seen me in other clothes right?” 

Clarke shakes her head and laughs at the concern “Nope. Coffee is always on your way to practice or the range and when you brought one of your girls to the hospital you had just come from practice, or that one morning when you were running late.” 

“I think we’ll have to change that. When is your next night off? I’ll take you on a proper date.”

“Really?” She quips. “Sure you’re ready to move past shitty coffee breaks at the hospital?” 

“First they’re not shitty - the coffee’s not that bad and I get to spend time with you. Second, yeah, only if you are though…”

“That’s actually really sweet. I enjoy our time together too.” Clarke slides down on the couch laying on her side so that her arm can fall over the side of the couch and hug the brunette. The blonde is still quite sleepy. 

“Going soft one me?” The girl on the floor chuckles as she tilts her head back to rest on the top of the couch cushion and glance up at Clarke’s big blue eyes. 

“Way to ruin the moment - you’re the softie anyway.” Clarke gives her a gentle squeeze and Lexa puts the remote down beside her hip, stretching her legs out straight where they were bent up and places her hands on Clarke’s soft forearm across her upper chest. She bends her head sideways to where the blonde’s hand rests on her shoulder and touches her lips to the back of the girl’s knuckles. It’s not a kiss but it might as well be. 

“Lies.” 

Lexa feels a nose and chin press to the back side of her shoulder just as she did with Clarke’s knuckles. “Keep telling yourself that, babe.” The two both freeze at the use of the pet name. Sure girls call each other babe all the time but this was just a _little_ different. Not in the slightest plutonic. Lexa runs her thumbs along Clarke’s warm forearm still around her, where she held it after Clarke twitched away in panic of what slipped out of her mouth. “I- I’m uh - that just slipped out.” 

“Pet names and real dates? Looks like we’re making progress, yeah?” Lexa touches her lips to the backs of the girls hand again. She didn’t want to admit that the other day when she was talking to Lincoln at the range before she left for coffee she almost called Clarke her girlfriend. So, getting called babe in the privacy of her apartment, especially by Clarke was not so bad. Not so bad at all. “Clarke, it’s ok. I don’t mind.” 

“I mean we did sleep together after all.” Clarke chuckles past her initial embarrassment. This time it’s Lexa who’s tongue gets caught in her throat. Her ears are set on fire as she tries to fight off the embarrassment in the back of her mind. Not that Clarke slept next to her but the mention of sex. But her heart feels a little lighter at the realization that she’s not grossed out or mortified like when Anya talks about it. In time, she wouldn’t mind taking that step with Clarke. Actually she hopes it is Clarke. 

“So, what’s the plan? Be lazy all day?” 

“I was hoping, if that’s alright with you?” 

“I’d say it’s pretty ok.” She smiles and drops Clarke’s arm as she stands up. Her back protests the whole way and her hip aches as she takes a step toward the table. M _aybe not the floor today, idiot._ “I have some scouting to do though - if you don’t mind basketball.” 

“Not at all.” Lexa is bent over and placing the first dvd into the television. Standing is a little difficult again but she manages. Clarke scoots backward on the couch so she presses against the back rest and Lexa sits down near her hips, pulling the coffee table forward as she pulls out stats and notes from other teams. Clarke’s warmth at her back is a welcome presence as she presses play on the remote. Eventually she feels the girls breathing slow and even out against her back as the second half starts. She slept through the entire first video, out cold. Lexa contemplated checking her pulse at one point, the blonde slept like she was dead. She could get used to this. 

Lexa hadn’t seen Clarke prop her head up on her elbow and turn to watch her but when gentle fingers start to stroke down her back she glances to the side to see a smiling blonde, big blue eyes and all. “Nice nap?” 

“Great nap.” Her stomach rumbles against Lexa’s back and the brunette lets out a chuckle. “Lunch?” 

Lexa shifts sideways to face the blonde a little more as she puts down her notes. Clarke’s arm falls from the gentle zigzags she was tracing across the crewneck’s cotton but her hand rests at Lexa’s hip, not holding it - not quite - but it was there, just resting. “I could eat.” Her own hand finds itself tucking a loose wave of blonde hair behind the girl’s ear. 

Clarkes hips slide toward her head as she sits up. “I’ll make lunch, you keep scouting.” 

“I can help. I’m not that bad at cooking you know.” Lexa stands to follow the woman who was heading into the kitchen. 

“I know. I want to though, and you’re cute when you’re all focused. Let me take care of it.” Lexa smiles as her stomach flutters and she sits back on the couch. The second half of the game is just wrapping up as Clarke sits down next to her placing a plate and a glass of water down with two more Advil. “Bon a’petite.” 

_“_ Smells delicious.” Lexa leans down to pick up the golden toasted bread that has cheese spilling from the sides. 

“My specialty - loaded grilled cheese.” Lexa takes a bite and gooey cheesy goodness stings away from the sandwich as she pulls it from her mouth. Bacon and turkey flavors compliment the grilled cheese perfectly.

She’s taking another bight as Clarke takes her first. “Oh-mw-g _o_ d. This is so good.” She mumbles through a mouth full of food. 

“Glad you like it.” The blonde chuckles before the two finish their lunches in silence partially because Lexa is too focused on the food to talk and partially because this is just _comfortable._ As Lexa takes the final bite Clarke stacks their plates and places the Advil in Lexa’s hand. “Take those. They’ll help with your back.” 

“My-“ _back is fine._ She wanted to say but Clarke shoots her a knowing look. 

“I’m not stupid, Lexa. Just take them, okay?” Lexa obeys but not without muttering a yes mom into he hand as she tosses the pills into her mouth. “How much more do you have left to do?”

“I’m done actually. You slept through it all, I didn’t know basketball was that boring.” She teases as she leans into the girl beside her to nudge her off balance. “Golf however, that’s what I put on if I want to take a nap.” 

“Hey, now. I like golf.” Clarke pouts a little as she lets a breathy laugh press through her exhale.

“And I like you.” _What. Why. Lexa. Why._

“You’re a dork. Super corny. Sure you never lived in Indiana or something?” 

“And I’m corny?” 

“The corniest actually.” The two are looking at each other now close enough it’d be quite possible to lean just a little bit and kiss the blonde. Her stomach starts to flip and she glances down at Clarke’s lips before looking back into the soft blue eyes. Lexa cheeks grow warm as she looks away as her head talks her heart out of it. 

_You’re 27. You are allowed to kiss the woman you have feelings for._ Clarke doesn’t look disappointed though, just understanding. How could she possibly know what Lexa was thinking? But she did, and she also wanted to kiss the brunette but she wouldn’t force it. Clarke had sensed the hesitation.

Lexa returns the dirty plates to her sink giving a moment between their almost - probably should have been - kiss. When she appears back in the living room a large yawn passes the blonde’s sleepy features as she rubs her eyes with the heal of her hand. “You can go back to sleep, Clarke. Naps count as being lazy.” 

“You look tired too. Cuddle?” 

“I’m not big on the cuddling thing, but I guess I can make an exception for you.” Clarke shakes her head at the brunette standing over her. Ok, Lexa did kinda really enjoy cuddling Clarke. “Scoot.” 

Lexa lays down on the couch getting comfortable and opens her arms for Clarke who lays down onto of her near the backrest part of the couch. “Mmmm, you’re comfier then I thought.” She nuzzles her nose into the crook of Lexa’s neck and wiggles to get closer. “Is this ok?”

“This is-this is nice.” She sighs sinking further into the couch which only makes Clarke form closer to her. It was uncomfortable at first for her but after a moment of getting used to Clarke’s weight on top of her and really relaxing the aches and uncomfortable feeling in her body just disappeared and were replaced by a fluttery feeling in her chest. _This is really nice._  

The blonde’s legs tangle with Lexa’s as their feet naturally intertwine. Lexa grabs the remote off the coffee table and turns the TV back on after flipping through channels when she lands on a rerun of McHail’s Navy that was just starting. Her and Anya loved this movie when they were younger but the idiot forgot to put it in the case one time and ruined the thing.

Clarke lifts her head a moment to check what she put on and a laugh rumbles in Lexa’s side as the blonde’s breath tickles her cheek. “Seriously? I loved this movie as a kid.”

Lexa laughs silently at the girl tucking back into her side. “It’s pretty bad.” 

“It is, but that makes it so much better.” 

The brunette turns and presses the side of her cheek into the younger woman’s forehead as she sighs. “So glad we agree.” 

“You just might be the girl of my dreams if you keep this up, Lexa Woods.” She jokes softly as she starts to fall back asleep and Lexa’s stomach is doing all those weird things again as her heart speeds up in her chest. 

“You’d have to sleep for that.” 

“Mmmm, trying.” The blonde lets out a small squeaky yawn against Lexa’s collar bone. It’s maybe two minutes before her breathing evens out, the gentle rise and fall of her chest pressing into Lexa’s side and the breath warm and sweet against her neck. It isn’t long after that before she follows Clarke into a deep nap. 

Lexa wakes up to the end credits of the movie. Lt. Carpenter is getting a medal pinned to her chest but the old man is too weirded out by her chest to do it so he just hands it to her. There’s a figure though standing over her so she tilts her head upward to meet Anya’s eyes. _Shit._

Lexa bends her arm up from where it was resting across her abdomen fingertips just at the slightly risen hem of Clarke’s shirt and presses it to her lips warning Anya to be quiet. Clarke’s still out and she desperately needs the sleep as much as the blonde doesn’t want to admit it. 

Her older sister is smiling softly down at the pair on the couch. “Do you need anything? Was just coming over to check on you.” She whispers

“No,” Lexa glances at the blonde who is sound asleep on her shoulder, drool dampening the grey sweatshirt and everything. “I think I’m good right here. When did you get here?” 

“Five minutes. Started your dishwasher. McHale’s Navy?”

“She’s seen it, and she loved it.” Anya sits down on the chair’s foot rest to talk for a moment before heading out. She loves seeing Lexa like this and she really hopes she’ll stay. All Anya knows is that this blonde is changing Lexa’s world for the better. 

“Sounds like a keep’er.” 

“Yeah, I think so. I’ve got it bad Ayn.” 

A whisper of a laugh comes from the older brunette. “No shit, Sis?” Lexa sticks her tongue out at her in her best hope of a defense. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Yeah. Thanks Ayn.” 

“Anytime, dork. Take care of her, yeah?” 

“I intend too.”

“Good girl. See you tomorrow, Lex. Text if you need anything.”

“Yes ma’am.” Lexa nods back to her sister as she hears her step out of the door. 

It isn’t till then she notices Clarke has shifted and her breathing changed. “She could have stayed you know.” 

“Yeah, but I see her almost every day. This is rare. Next time?” 

“Deal.” She lays her head back down for a second “Got it bad, huh?” 

Lexa’s heart skips about a million beats. _Shit, she was awake - no getting out of this one._ “Yeah.” 

“You want to take care of me?” Clarke asks quietly with out much teasing in her voice.

“I do.” Lexa swallows hard. _Nice going idiot._ Next time don’t talk about the girl if she’s literally laying on your chest. 

Clarke shifts again to straddle the brunette’s hips and she leans forward a bit. Her smile is so soft and just _happy,_ as though Lexa’s words just melted her. “How did I get so lucky?” Which leaves Lexa gulping for a whole new reason. The blush on Clarke’s cheeks tells it all and it’s Lexa this time who is utterly smitten. The afternoon sun is shining through her window illuminating the blonde locks falling gently around Clarke’s shoulders - Lexa hadn’t noticed she took it down. Her eyes resemble the sea, inviting, calming, and holding so much more beauty just below the surface. She almost looks like she’s glowing. 

The golden goddess starts leaning forward slowly and her eyes dart from Lexa’s down to the woman’s lips and back as she gets closer pausing far enough away for Lexa to stop her. _Is this ok?_ Lexa nods slightly giving the blonde permission. Clarke’s smile widens before she leans in close enough the two are sharing air. Their noses touch and Lexa tilts her chin up just a little so their lips can finally meet. Her stomach is going crazy, her heart is having some sort of an aneurysm or something and she gets lost in the soft touch of Clarke’s lips on hers. She almost forgets to breathe. 

Her hands find their way to Clarke’s hips as the blonde supports herself with one next to her head while the other slides under Lexa’s neck. Lexa didn’t think anything this blissful existed in the world anymore. Clarke’s lips are so tender on hers, searching, praising, loving. Every god damn adjective Lexa can think of, which with the way her brain is hardly functioning right now isn’t all that many. 

Clarke pulls away for a moment and a sigh of “wow” falls off of Lexa’s lips. She expects a joke but the blonde answers with another soft kiss, shorter the the first which wasn’t long but Lexa isn’t complaining. Clarke lays back down tucking into the spot they just spent the last hour and a half or so. 

“I’ve got it pretty bad too.” 

The pair decide on pizza for dinner, meat lovers thin crust, Clarke gets mushrooms on half and Lexa doesn’t mind in the slightest. She can have what ever she likes. Neither of them want to say good bye at the end of the night but Clarke has pre-rounds and Lexa has pt. This time when Clarke kisses her cheek good bye Lexa squeezes her a little tighter in the hug with promise of a real date and doing this again real soon. 

Because, yeah, _I’ve got it bad_ , is probably the understatement of the year.


	8. You Survived for Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flash-back scene from Lexa's POV. She just woke up in a hospital and has no idea what is happening except everything hurts and nothing feels right. Anya comforts her and Lexa makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY YALL! I'm back! Sorry for my little break. Finals kicked my ass but I survived and now I'm back to writing for fun. I have a lot planned for this still and I'm going to try and get it done my the end of June. Hope you guys like the flash back. I've been playing with it for a bit. Tell me what you think, good, bad, not so much of either. I want to hear it :) Your comments mean the world. Also if you like it I kinda want to do more of these mostly for Lex, and some for Clarke. 
> 
> Seriously tho, comment and give suggestions. It'll only make the story better ;) And huge shout out to Zedbrah for their service. RAH! 
> 
> Also a thank you to Kelly, for letting me bounce ideas off of her for this one. More in store for you guys with the flashbacks if you let me know. I think you'll like it. 
> 
> More Clexa in the next chapter I promise.

Lexa slowly opens her eyes and takes a moment to allow everything to sharpen back into focus from the blur of freshly opened eyes. 

 

"Beep."

 

_I'm alive?_

 

"Beep."

 

_How is that possible?_  

 

"Beep."

 

The vague murmur of muffled voices out in a hall pulls her further back to consciousness. White walls, ceilings and floors seem too bright for her throbbing head. _The light is loud._

 

“Beeb.”

 

_Where am I?_

 

"Beeb."

 

She picks her head slowly just a bit off the firm pillow to see monitors and machines too her left and right. The steady beep of a heart monitor fills the room. Her eyes cast downward, slowly realizing she is in a hospital bed. Firm mattress, white sheets, dark teal blankets heavy on her legs and all. 

 

"Beeb."

 

_What's going on?_

 

"Beeb." 

 

She feels like death. It isn’t but a second before her mouth starts watering uncontrollably the only warning before she loses the contents of her stomach into her lap. 

 

"Beeb."

 

Lexa lurches forward tears coming to her eyes from the too sudden involuntary movement bile spilling from her burning throat leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

“Beeb.” 

 

It is warm and damp on her lap through the blankets as she looks down at the yellow mixture of mucous and water. Her mouth begins watering again. _Not again._ Her body is screaming as she loses the last bit of acid from her gut until she is dry heaving in attempt to get something unknown out of her system. Little black spots dance at the edges of her vision growing until there is nothing to see but black. 

 

Her eyes open much easier this time from where she had collapsed back into the slightly inclined upper part of the bed, the room empty again. 

 

“Beep.” 

 

Lexa looks down at her body to see she is under a clean blanket and in a new hospital gown that covers most of her shivering body up. Multiple tubes run into an IV port on her upper left arm, wires stuck to her chest. The adhesive foreign and uncomfortable on her skin as she fights wanting to pull them off. Not that she could, as her right arm is strapped to her body in a sling. Her mouth is so dry her spit feels more like powder, an equally terrible feeling as the excessive watering that was there when she woke the first time. The oxygen tube up her nose blows even drier air into her breath-way this time she moves to pull it out unable to take the added discomfort she could actually do something about.

 

“Beep." 

 

She fights to sit up from the inclined bed very slowly, stiff joints and sore muscles making it painfully impossible to move. Once she is up and panting from the effort she can feel the blood rushing to her head threatening to knock her back out. Her back is killing her and she knows she shouldn’t be moving at all but she has to get up. She has a to. _How long have I been out? Am I safe?_ In her confusion Lexa unsnaps the gown on her right shoulder running her hand over a thick padded dressing and finds one similar in the middle of her chest running the length of her sternum. _What’s going on?_

 

“Beep."

 

She struggles to put a full thought together through dense fog swirling through her head. The next beep doesn’t seem to come as it fades into background noise as her focus shifts to her mouth starting to water again. _No. Please. No._ The soldier is utterly miserable as she retches forward, her body still attempting to rid itself of something though there isn’t anything left in her stomach to get rid of. 

As the beeping fades the voices in the hall grow clearer slowly until she can make out familiar voices raised from hush tones to yelling in the hallway. “Let me tell her when she wakes up. IF SHE EVER DOES ALL THE WAY AGAIN!” _Tell me what? IF I wake up? I’m awake?_

Noticing a window on the door she squints trying to learn more of her settings. They don’t feel right. The shadow of a large man in a white coat looks down at a tall woman who shoves at his chest. “WE ALREADY LOST ONE OF THEM. I CAN’T. I CAN’T TAKE LOSING HER TOO.” _Who did we lose?_   _Where's Gus?_ He wraps the women in his arms and pulls her in close and shifts his head to look back at the room while his chin rests on the top of her head. Shock flashes across the man’s - Nyko’s - face as his eyes meet green ones they’ve been longing to see. 

“She’s-Lexa’s up." He opens the door slowly and turns to Anya as he sticks halfway into the door. "Don't tell her yet." All Lexa see’s is a slow nod from her worried mentor and can’t help but be a little irritated that they speak as if she can’t hear them.As she steps into the room Anya wipes her tear stained cheeks and Lexa watches her shoulders rise and fall in a long breath. 

Lexa’s relieved when they put aside whatever they were arguing about and walk in together. "Hey there kiddo how you feeling?" _Fucking shitty._ Nyko asks when he is in full sight at the foot of the bed flipping open her chart. 

She opens her mouth to speak but no words pass her lips, only a hardly audible squeak. She knows what she wants to say but the words won't come, they won’t form on her tongue, they can’t pass her vocal chords and panic rises in her chest. 

The two shoot each other a look only solidifying the panic as the brunette notices the heart monitor in the background speeding up a little bit. The familiar doctor nods hinting to Lexa they assumed she would have trouble speaking. Anya and Nyko walk slowly to the confused and anxiety stricken girl, both standing close together at the side of the bed. Nyko in a shirt tie and his white coat, Anya in her uniform - green pants, pressed khaki shirt and tie, shining brass, a pretty good chunk of chest candy. 

Lexa tries again to speak with fail before Anya puts her hand on the fragile girl’s back. Lexa grimaces and a groan slips from her lips at the screaming nerves agitated on her back. The longer the hand remains the easier it gets to bear, it’s as if the comfort bit her at first but eventually the gentle touch of her hand washes away the panic as the familiarity she hasn’t felt in a long time comes rushing back. “Lex, you need to lay back down." She helps the girl ease down sliding the oxygen back beneath her nose. 

The warm mattress welcomes her raw back as she relaxes as much as she can into it. Anya’s hand remaining on her shoulder incapable of letting go of her little sister she just got back. Lexa still anxious of the situation despite these comforts - something is missing - opens her still dry mouth thankful the words come this time but with too much effort. "Wh-Wh-Where?" She stutters in a raspy whisper, a voice she doesn’t recognize.

“Mass General in Boston, you’re home Lex.” Tears fall from the man’s eyes getting lost in his beard. The droplets of water suspended in the dark hair at his cheeks. The hand at her shoulder gives a small squeeze. “You’re home.” 

She can’t help but stare back up at him with questioning eyes unable to come up with exactly what she wants to ask. There are so many questions.. so manny…

“You-You don't remember what happened?" Anya chokes out in a higher than usual voice as Lexa shakes her head slightly causing an eruption of nausea to well inside her. She does note the slight bit of relief that washes over the woman before her head spinning takes too much of her attention. _Please not again. No more._

“You escaped then were rescued from a prison camp in the Mountains of Afghanistan." Nyko explains softly. "You almost died… you did.. die. They resuscitated you three times in the field, more times back here. It has been real touch and go." At the information she becomes award of the tender skin over her heart and on her side likely from the electricity sent through her body. 

Lexa begins to dry heave again, her head spinning at the news. Tears streak down her cheeks. _Make it stop. Please. Make it stop._ Anya is holding her and rubbing her back, her tender screaming back, and muttering comforts into the ear near her head. Nyko pages an anesthesiologist. Not much time passes before a large new doctor concludes her allergies to the pain medication and the anti-inflammatory as well. He turns Nyko as he removes one of the tubes “We need to keep her on the IV. I’ll see what I can do about this.”

The now stoic doctor only nods and offers a quick thank you as he sits next to the small girl on the other side of the bed. Lexa allows her weight to shift to a very painful hip as she leans into his side. His arms surround her gentle at her back and tucking the trembling tense girl into his chest. “Easy Lex. It’s ok. Breathe for me, kiddo.”

She squeezes her eyes shut as a memory rips it’s way through the dense fog of her mind taking her from reality a moment as Nyko continues to try and soothe her. _“Breathe for me, Lexa! Come on, Breathe damn it.” She feels the hands on her chest crushing her sternum as they pump her heart for her. Dry lips locking over hers as her nose is pinched shut. A warm sensation in her arm follows a demand for epinephrine followed by more chest crushing pressure. She just wants it to stop. Make it stop. Let me go. Just let me go. “Come on. Come on. You’re not done yet, Lexa! Fight!” Lightning arcs through her body as her muscles tense around it as she feels her heart weakly tapping a lazy rhythm against her aching ribcage._

“Good, Lexa. It’s ok.” He lowers her back into the bed again away from his warm body and runs a hand back over her head before she feels sticky lips on her forehead. A softer groan whisks through the air at the slow movement of her back and the pain ripping through the rest of her body like a flash flood through closed pipes - pressurized, fast, wild. 

“My…Throat… Hurts…” She huffs out with each breath forming a hardly audible word. Her whole body hurts truthfully but her throat is raw and she doesn’t understand why. Each breath feels like razor blades and trying to swallow is like a knife drawing down along with it. Tears come to her eyes as she swallows a sip of water. More razor blades scrape the inside of her neck as the last bit of water rips down. She blinks some more willing the tears dry.

“You were intubated. Two days ago you started fighting it so we took it out. You’re going to feel a little bit scratchy for a few days, kiddo.” Lexa knew from hanging around with her dad that people fighting intubation was not super pretty. They panicked. They gagged. They choked.

”What” Lexa pauses for a long moment trying to gather the word and her breath as the huffed out the word with all the air she could manage. What is the word she’s looking for? Why won’t the air work in her lungs? Happened. What happened. A deep breath in, followed by a much shorter huff of air fueling the whisper ”happened?"

Anya who has taken a seat next to the bed her puts her hand on the weak girl’s forearm as Nyko stands protectively on the other side of the bed watching the two girls. Lexa loves the comfort but the touches as soft as they are still add to the pain. “You...” she pauses for a second as she closes her eyes and lets a shaky breath pass before offering a small smile. “You basically volunteered for an assignment, a rescue, for a female asset. You were captured and - and… they had you for about four months. Somehow you managed to kill most of the guards before they realized…” 

She takes another deep breath squeezing her eyes shut this time as she imagines what her sister had to do… The bloody beaten and broken Lexa fighting her way out, killing men in intimate ways - up close and personal. No bullets. No jet dropping bombs. She knew killing was in the job description but the fact that Lexa knew how to do it so efficiently and had to know what any of this was like sat wrong in her stomach. But she was so proud, so so proud of Lexa all the same. 

The world should not be like this. _We should not have to fight its battles._ _Was the concept of liberty so hard to grasp? Treating people like human beings?_ But they did and will continue too because it was in their blood, in their very souls - written on their hearts, ingrained into their _being_. It wasn’t noble or anything like that. It was just the way it was. People have duties and destinies they are born into and this was theirs. The were the ones called from the comforts to war with a soul crushing responsibility to fulfill it. And the saddest part, maybe, to Anya is that she knew Lexa would do it again in a heartbeat if it was asked of her, if it meant no one else had to. 

She should know. Lexa should know what she did to save all those people. She should know what a hero she is. She deserved that much. So Anya pressed on. “You got a lot of people out and hidden kept going back for more, a lot of the men were too weak to do much, they were in there longer. You were heading toward the rendezvous point with the last of them when the enemy got reinforcements.”

The brunette slightly nods telling her to continue while vague memories attempts weakly to surface. The movement sends shooting pain down her entire body trailing like a hot piece of fire down a wick on it’s way to a stick of dynamite in the old cartoons. It’s her head that explodes with more pain first, then her abdomen. Lexa can’t help but moan in agony her face twisting in a grimace her free arm grabbing at her torso writhing in a ball of agony into the mattress. "We need to find something that will help with the pain" the doctor whispers to Anya’s ear again as if Lexa couldn’t hear him. 

She relaxes again as much as she can as the pain dissipates. “Somewhere in there you were shot a bunch and ended up in a fight as the rescue chopper you called for on one of their satellite phones was getting the others out. ” she pauses again to take a deep breath. “When they got the others out you were surrounded. Apparently you had fallen down a cliff in the fight. You stole the man’s knife and as you fell down a smaller portion of the cliff you threw the knife and got him.” 

Something else happened but she couldn’t remember. There was more. More before the fight. More after. The her body was tensing with more dry heaving, the medicine still not out of her system. 

“You were rolling quickly off a larger cliff but somehow caught yourself, more like rolled into a tree. But you were already surrounded at that point. Titus had you and beat up on you a bit before shooting you in the chest. The rescue team got to you just in time. Somewhere in there you blew out your knee again, shattered your hip, and had a compound fracture in your other leg. Some of the guys said that you carried people out after you fell down a different cliff when you lead some of the guards from where the others were hiding, that's when they think you got shot the other times. You did good Lex. You did real good.” 

_I got out. I'm alive and I’m out._ Lexa tries to grasp the concept but the world flashes to total darkness. _I’m home._

When she wakes up again someone is by the bed sleeping in a chair and hardly visible in her peripheral vision. "Ayn?" She whispers with a weak scratchy voice she doesn’t recognize.

The older woman jolts awake stiffening in her uniform before relaxing and leaning forward toward the bed. "Hey sis, good to see you awake."She smiles and runs her hand over the top of Lexa’s head trying to sooth her. Too weak to respond vocally Lexa offers a weak smile noticing the strap around her arm and the bandages on her shoulder are gone but a large stiff brace on her leg she didn't notice before. 

Lexa grasps at that annoying oxygen thing again but Anya stops her with a gentle press of her hand to the girls unusually pallid forearm. Her skin warm on Lexa’s that feels too hot but she started to shiver anyway. "Leave it. Here drink this." she ladled some soup broth in a spoon and tilts the bed up further before making Lexa sip on it. The warmth of the broth and the wetness of it soothes the brunette’s throat. The motion continues in silence for a long time as the soup cools to hardly lukewarm and the small bowel is empty.

“Ca-“ Lexa swallows past the dry part of her mouth gaining some help for her vocal chords. Anya looks down at her eyes wide and brow creased as her worry finds a home in her features. “Can I go to the bathroom?” 

“Lex…” She smiles gently at the confused brunette as she slowly becomes aware of the tubing between her legs. Her cheeks become pink in embarrassment and an odd sense of defeat consumes her. _Oh_. **_Oh_** _._ Anya shifts further forward in her chair to run another hand over her hair and rest another on Lexa’s arm. “Hey, hey.. Lexa.. it’s ok. You’ve been out a while. It’s ok. We’ll get it out soon ok?” 

She offers a short nod with red cheeks adding color to her unusually pale skin. She rolls her head to her shoulder away from Anya as she allows herself a moment. She’s glad her sister doesn’t press as she fights a battle in her head. “Can I sit up?”

Anya’s worry melts away for the moment as she lets a nervous chuckle escape her lips. “Ok, nice and easy, just don’t tell Nyko.” Lexa wants to add, _when do we ever tell Nyko,_ but the words just don’t come. Anya’s hands move softly behind the girl as she helps her up with the rising back of the bed. Lexa can’t move on her own and pretty much regrets the movement as soon as it starts. Her shoulder and abdomen throb with unbelievable intensity and it is a struggle to breathe her back is screaming with such rawness she tells Anya to stop, gasping past more then raspy vocal chords.

At her even slightly increased angle she can see more of the room and the brunette catches a glimpse of her body in a mirror. Her 5'10" frame is normally 144 pounds of lithe muscle is no more then about 95 of pale freshly scarred skin hanging off healing bones. Her face bony and hollow, a ghost of who she once was. Gone is long wavy hair. It's kinda sad, she liked her hair, but it isn’t the first time she’d had a shaved head. Lexa realizes she resembles her father in a picture from when he was younger, but a much smaller, skinnier, weaker version in every sense. _Kinda like I am in real life…_

"Your hair will grow back in no time." Anya smiles trying to cheer her sister up, as she notices Lexa watching herself in the mirror clearly upset by her appearance. Lexa does look like a different person. Her jaw usually sharp seems to threaten to slice through her skin. The Even her eyes, normally clear, seam hazed over. All is changed. 

As Lexa is looking in the mirror Anya starts to help Lexa sit up more as the girl struggles to do it herself despite the pain ripping through her body. “I’ll do it." She manages to choke out, words still a struggle to formulate let alone vocalize. Anya’s arms shoot out to grab her, her face the very picture of worry but Lexa needs to do _something_. It takes a lot more energy in her attempt then she thought it would and she becomes immediately exhausted, head spinning from the pain and exertion. Lexa turns to her quiet comfort and without a word Anya jumps in to help her and supports her sister who is unable to hold herself at the angle she managed to get from the bed before the pain stopped her.

"You'll get it back." she tries to encourage but all Lexa can offer is an embarrassed nod for the second time in the last twenty minutes. "Don't be embarrassed. You're body has been through a lot, Lex. You won't have much energy." she gingerly lays her back in the bed as if a single touch will shatter her freshly returned sister. “You really shouldn’t be moving.” A shaky hand finds its way over the top of Lexa’s head again.

Lexa tries to breathe a little deeper to stop the spinning in her head but the effort makes her gasp in pain her rib cage aching intensely. A lump slides down Anya’s throat as she watches helplessly as her sister struggles to even breathe. "I'm sorry, they had to crack your chest again last week. You were stable enough to take the rounds out, they were worried they would cause too much damage if they left them in. As if you haven’t been through enough already." she whispers softly so no one hears her, Lexa hardly makes out the last utterance. 

“It’s ok.” She gives the older woman’s hand a squeeze as it found hers sometime. It’s warm and sweaty against her own that seems so cold. Anya always did have clammy hands. Sad eyes look up at her from where they glanced down at the fingers laced together. Tears threatening to spill over eyelids that hang heavy around tired brown eyes as Anya looks up at Lexa. 

A brief turn of the head away and her hand brings the collar of her shirt up to her face before she turns back to face the brunette pressing the back of her head into the pillow fighting off a new wave of pain assaulting her lower back and leg. “We can watch some tv or something if you don't want to sleep." 

"Sounds good.” The two of them were always good ad moving past what ever it was neither of them wanted to talk about until they couldn’t. Lexa didn’t have it in her to pry or to comfort Anya and Anya couldn't put it into words. They understood each other. That was enough for now. 

"What do you want to watch?" She asks sitting back in her chair taking up the remote and crossing her legs. Lexa notices she’s in her uniform but her shirt is untucked on onside and slightly wrinkled, the military creases more like shadows and the green tie thing pulled off and laying on top of her jacket folded over the back of the uncomfortable looking chair. The creases in her pants didn’t seem as sharp as usual either. It looked like the uniform had been on too long. A few days maybe? She didn’t know but Anya’s brass even looked dim and she was always a stickler for making sure everything was perfect. _Damn Marines._

“You look like hell.” She trains her eyes on Anya’s as they look over at her from the TV screen as she mutters softly to her sister. 

“The same could be said for you, ya little shit.” She doesn’t smile though Lexa knows she’s partially kidding partially deflecting. She only tilts her head and attempts to raise an eyebrow in question. “I haven’t had a chance to go back to the hotel, ok? And Nyko hasn't either.” She looks down at her less than tidy uniform and huffs out a deep breath. _Why couldn't Gus get it?_ “I had to go take care of some things and they pulled you out of a medically induced coma four days ago. I wanted to be here - either way. I don’t give a damn if my uniform looks like shit.” 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa mutters, feeling terrible for having put Anya through all that waiting. 

“Don’t be Lex, it’s not your fault. Not at all.” 

Lexa shifts her cloudy vision back toward the television trying to get away from the topic “What’s on?" Anya shifts as she flips through the channels haphazardly stopping when it comes to ESPN’s replays of old championship basketball games. "This one.” Lexa says without realizing that Anya was thinking the same thing as the remote was already on the table beside the bed. 

“Basketball huh? Some things never change” the older girl teases, glad to see some life, some excitement out of her sister though she is still fighting the onslaught of emotion their brief conversation brought. 

“Whatever, you love it too." the words hard to croak out with the incredibly depleted energy, and pain firing through her back as she turns her head to look at Anya running her hand over the top of her head and over her face. She pauses to pinch the bridge of her nose before she feels Lexa’s eyes on her. 

"Yeah, yeah." She offers a half smile around increasingly tired features. That keep glancing at Lexa just to make sure she’s really here, really awake. The TV changes to a commercial pretty quickly after Anya turns it on and the older girl decides to give her a warning of sorts. "After we hang out for a little bit the Doctors want to talk to you about some things, kid.” 

"Ok." Lexa smiles, she missed Anya so much she doesn’t really care about the serious heart broken tone behind the words. "Can we watch the whole game?" She really doesn’t want to deal with the doctors, she just wants to lay here with Anya and pretend nothing happened for a little while longer - she had a feeling that was why they weren’t telling her whatever it was yet. Though, pretending nothing happened was hard to do with the excruciating sensations ripping through her nerves.

"Yes, but after that we have work to do." she is smiling as she shoots a quick wink at her sister face that seems to grow more pale by the moment as more pain medication works its way out of her system, both knowing Lexa won't have the energy to do any work. The brunette knows that there is some things that need taking care of though, but she not totally sure what. She can worry about that later. 

In the background she hears the announcer but her attention is on her sister and the panic forming in her own apparently actually cracked chest as the pain grows and her mind wanders through the dense fog swirling in her thoughts. “Ayn?” 

The tone in Lexa’s crackling voice slightly louder then a whisper gets the older girl’s attention but not in a good way. _Something is wrong._ “What is it? Do you need something?” The words rush into the air laced with the anxiety written in her posture. “Are you hurting? What can I do?” 

“Will you lay with me? I miss you.” Lexa doesn’t know where this is coming from but her lips feel loose and her mind isn’t working properly. And she was a little scared though she knew she was safe here she couldn’t shake the terror gripping deep at her consciousness. Anya’s eyes soften into a laugh that never passes her lips as she senses the fear in her little sister’s eyes “I miss you so much.” Lexa’s nose stings as her eyes grow wet with emotion incapable of being held back.

“Sure, sis.” She moves the sheets and slides under them her hip pressed to Lexa’s good one and helps the girl move closer to her, situating them so she can hold and support Lexa determined never to let go of her again. “I’m right here. You’re ok.” 

“I’m scared, Anya.” She whispers as Anya pulls her in closer careful not to move her back too much though it’s stiff in a brace Lexa is now just noticing. Terror is gripping at her limbs, fear conquering her mind. She’s not quite sure what she is so afraid of though. The pain she’s in. What’s actually happened. That the memories will come back. That they won’t. 

A hand runs over the side of Lexa’s head in soothing motions. “It’s ok, Lexa. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”She soothes the trembling brunette as she calms back down. “It’s ok to be afraid little one, but I’ve got you now.” Anya wouldn't tell her she didn't have to be afraid anymore, she knew Lexa knew that, she would just offer what comfort she could. Lexa wishes she didn’t have the immobilizer on her leg or the brace on her back, she would curl into Anya’s side and hide like she did all those years ago, but she couldn’t. She half wanted to argue that she wasn’t a “little one” anymore but she also half wanted to just be that for a moment. Not a beat up and broken soldier. Not a leader with crushing responsibility. Just Anya’s little one. 

The thing is Lexa knew even in her current state that as much as she needed comfort from the pain and things ripping at her heart and mind she could’t understand, Anya needed to comfort her. Be there for her. But Anya also needed comfort herself. Lexa saw it in the way her shoulders slouched under a weight Lexa knew she had put there for how ever long she had been missing and unconscious. She sat slouched instead of the usual authority she always exuded. Her eyes were bloodshot and accented by hints of black beneath them. She looked like a mess, as much as Anya would let herself look like a mess. She was putting on a brave face for Lexa, but Lexa knew better. She knew Anya better then she knew herself sometimes. 

She runs her tung along the top of her dry mouth as she try to comfort her older sister but all that passes in a croak is “Water?” Lexa really wasn’t sure why that was what snuck past her crackling vocal chords and not _I’m not ok, Anya, but I will be. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m home. I’m right here too._

Her chest bounces below Lexa softly at the short change, Lexa gets the feeling she knows what Lexa was going to say but how could she? “So needy when you’re drugged.” She reaches back to the table and grabs the cup and straw holding it to Lexa’s mouth and sliding the straw between her slightly parted teeth. “Here.” Lexa takes a slow sip before Anya puts it back. 

“I don’t like drugs.” She mutters remembering how poorly her body reacts to pain medication and just about everything but ibuprofen.

“I know" she adds quietly running her hand in soothing motions over Lexa’s arm “these seem better though, just a light sedative trying to help with the pain.” _It’s not doing a very good job._

"Oh." After that the two watch part of the game in a peace neither of them has had in so long. Lexa has no energy to talk, its frustrating but it takes all of her concentration to watch the game with out getting dizzy, which doesn’t really work at all. It isn’t long before her eyes close partially in exhaustion partially to fight off the spinning. 

She dozes off somewhere in the middle with her head resting on Anya’s shoulder in the arms of her older sister who is so glad to have her back. Anya presses her nose to the side of the smaller brunettes head remembering all they have gone through together, all she’s seen Lexa through when no one else was there. All Lexa’s been there for her through. She deserves so much better but this was their life. This is what they were meant to do, Anya and Lexa both had known that for a long time. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t suck. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, Lex, but I’ve got you now. You’re safe. Welcome home little one. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you more then you will ever know.” Anya lets the tears roll down her cheeks as she rests her head on top of Lexa’s. Watching the heart monitor and feeling Lexa’s slow sleeping breaths tickle her neck as they try to prove to the older woman that she’s alive and right there in Anya’s arms. She may be far from ok, but at least she’s awake. 

Lexa wakes up very slowly, Anya feels her breathing change before her head shifts. She wakes just in time for the end to see the buzzer beater shot. It reminds her of her own all those years ago that now seems like more then a few lifetimes. Nyko steps in looking all happy to see his friends together but Lexa picks up on a saddened seriousness as he jerks his head toward the hall reluctant to pull Anya from Lexa’s side. He knows both girls need each other and wants to share in their comforts but he was the doctor here. He had to be objective. Lexa, Anya, and Gus had been when they were at war. Now it was his turn. "Anya we need to talk to you."

They are in the hall having a heated discussion but Lexa can't make out their muffled words the exhaustion is taking over her mind and she just wants to lay with Anya more as she sleeps. Lexa however sees Anya is rapidly shaking her head “no” through the window. It looks like she is pleading with them for something. Lexa remembers vaguely last time they talked that they were deciding to tell her something - maybe that is what this is about. She has a hard time doubting that Anya is pleading for them to give her more time without having to deal with the full consequences of her injuries. Lexa has a feeling they are intensive - she’s never been in this much pain in her life but that thought gets pushed quickly from her head as she thinks that, maybe, how she got this hurt in the first place may have felt worse. 

Anya looks upset, more so then usual, as they go back and forth. After a few minutes she agrees with the unfamiliar doctor and they turn to walk in Nyko following shortly behind. Lexa looks away from the door and back to the TV that is suddenly shut off making Lexa pay attention to the group in the room she was avoiding. The 'lead' doctor has a remote in her hand and tosses it into the chair, but she isn't the only white coat in the room. There is a team of about 5 of them, not including Nyko who is now dressed in civilian clothes.

"Hello Alexandra. Very glad to see you feeling better." Lexa nearly flinches at the use of her full name but lets it slide. That’s unimportant right now. The doctor had started talk to Lexa happily but Lexa could see a glint of something in the woman’s eyes, she’s not very good at hiding things. Lexa was always good at reading people though so it’s not really her fault. In her diminished state she can’t tell what it is but something deep in her chest knows it's not good.

"Just cut to the chase.” Lexa has no patience for sugarcoating, nor does she want it. She is stronger then that, at least she hopes she is. She needs to hear it strait up, she has too. 

The older dirty blonde woman looks at Anya and she nods in approval, Anya’s eyes boring into Nyko’s. Before they tell Lexa anything Anya walks over to a window and looks out to the shining day with a large sigh. Funny, Lexa hadn't even noticed it was there. 

"Do you remember when we told you how you got out?” Nyko starts softly as he takes a step closer. 

"Yes." _No. No. No._ Lexa had a bad feeling about where this was going. 

"Well. About your injuries... Your body went through a lot up on that mountain kiddo.” 

She nods, head erupting in a massive headache. He carries on with his explanation after noticing the clench of Lexa’s face and a slight groan. She’s really got to quit doing that. "The previous injuries that you had sustained in the initial ambush and while captured were very severe. In combination with the trauma induced in the final part of the escape…" He slows down his big spiel and looks toward the doctors surrounding her bed his eyes softening even more as they fall on Anya still standing by the window for a second before returning to her. "They were not able to fully repair the damage done to your knee and hip. You will never have the strength or mobility you once did."

Lexa doesn’t grasp why that is such a big deal initially. She was way faster and stronger than average before, even with injuries. So what she will be a little less above average then she was, that’s not too bad. She can handle that. "Ok." 

Sensing the air of calmness about the girl in the bed he continues not wanting to break the bad news to the closest thing he has to a kid sister but knowing he has too. She has to hear it. " Lexa, you will likely never regain 'average' strength or mobility. It will be probably 40 to 50 percent of average. You will never be able to do some things you used to. And the injury to your back is…well… we still don’t know the full extent of the damage but Lexa, it’s bad. You can’t…” He swallows past a lump in his throat. “You’re career is over. I'm sorry." 

She can't believe what she just heard. The brunette searches the doctor's eyes for something telling her this isn't true. She looks to Anya, she can't even look at her little sister but Lexa can see the tears rolling down her cheeks as her heart breaks for the younger girl all over again. _No, NO! This can't be happening. Not to me. I’m not done. They still need me. I still need to finish what I started._

Lexa takes as deep of a breath as she can manage and lets it out slow, as it quivers in her chest now cracked in every sense of the term. She is going to show them how tough she is. How strong. That there is something different about her. Something… 

The mixture of emotion running through her is confusing at best. Ok with it, yet not. Furious, but calm. The emotions come and go rapidly alternating between shock, sadness, content, fear, denial, but complete and utter heartbreak always seems present and it is exhausting.

“That's ok." Lexa smiles up at the closest person she has to a brother and she can’t help but wonder where his actual brother is through all of this. Maybe he is still on tour. "I’ll figure it out. I always do.”

It's funny, she asked them to give it to her straight. She thought she was ready but you can never anticipate the weight of news like that. She’s trying so hard not to be shaken by it but this was her life they were talking about. All she’s ever known. What she was born to do, made for. What was she going to do?

"We want to check you out before you fall back asleep. To make sure everything is where we want it." The lead doctor steps back up - Dr. Griffin her coat says. 

"Ok."What is she going to say? No? 

"Everything looks like it's healing as well as it can. It's pretty text book so far with your more minor injuries." If those injuries even classify as minor - Lexa knew they didn’t. The doctor explains as she moves her arm around where the bullets pierced her shoulder and pokes and prods her fingers into her ribcage and hip. It is excruciating from the lack of pain medication and Lexa can't help but grit her teeth, sweat forming on her face, on her upper lip and nose, dripping from her forehead, the back of her hairline. Despite her efforts she moans out in the deep pain. She would be the one to be allergic to the only thing that could help her right now with any significance. _Perfect. I’m home and this is still torture._

A nurse walks over to to her and unsnaps the gown. Leaving Lexa laying down partially naked. The doctors of different specialties take turns checking the defeated girl out offering little encouragement or apology. Its exhausting and annoying, not to mention extremely painful. The last test the others leave the room, save for Anya, as Dr. Griffin positions her in the bed to do an exam of where the not so stray bullets ran through her womb. She is slow and careful but not in-tuned to the fear Lexa’s body is betraying at the press of her hands. Anya thinks she catches it but at the look of determination on her little sisters face she doesn’t say anything. She scolds herself because she probably should have. She most definitely should have. 

When that’s finally over the doctor gives her a rundown but Lexa pays no attention. She just wants to sleep, just wants to be left alone _._ The doctor calls Anya away from the window and into the hall with them. 

The door doesn't shut all the way so Lexa can hear decently what is being said despite her fleeting consciousness and fluttering eyelids. "She is a tough one. The pain she is experiencing is enough to knock most people out. She will need help to recover- not just physically as I’m sure you know. Especially as the memories come back. It’s going to be extremely hard on her," she puts her hand on Anya’s shoulder who glares at the woman "on both of you, all three of you.” _Four. There are four of us. Where the fuck is Gus?_  Her mentor wipes it off briskly as the doctor regards Nyko but doesn't correct her.  _What the hell, Anya? Where is your damn husband?_

The lighter brunette just answers with a hardly contained snap. "Yeah. She is. Toughest person I know” anger dripping from her voice as she crosses her arms across her chest. Anya always defaulted to angry when she was upset. "Can't you do something about the pain? Anything. Because _clearly_   that sedative isn’t helping one bit.” she pleads but the doctor shakes her head and Nyko does the same. “That's fucking ridiculous. Try harder. She’s been through enough.” 

Dr. Griffin moves on past the comment. "You need to help her accept what has happened. After everything she’s been through, a lot is going to change. She’ll have to learn to walk again, do a lot of things differently probably. And you know the press will not make it any easier. They’ve been impossible already.” 

Just one tear runs down her cheek to the pillow. She will just be a poster kid, a hero in the eyes of the people, maybe.. at least until they forgot about her sacrifice. Lexa hopes they forget about her sooner rather than later. She didn't want what ever credit they gave her, she just wanted to go back. And at least before she was semi-famous because she was good at basketball, or the first woman to make SF. She could actually do something to earn it. It's humiliating to think about what all this means. She wants to throw up at the disgust for herself settling in her gut, but there is nothing inside of her stomach left. 

"Ok. I'll get her ready." She says as she walks in the door. Lexa looks out the window to the bright day outside unable to look at her mentor just yet but she can hear the door shut behind her. "I know you listened to that whole thing so I'm not going to give you the speech. You ok?" Lexa can hear it in her voice, it's loaded with worry and compassion, but strength too. Anya always was the strong one.

“Yeah. Fine." Lexa tries her damnedest to smile at her, for whatever reason she’s not as upset about the whole thing right now as she was just two seconds ago. _I will get it back. I know I will, I have to. I'm Lexa Mother Fucking Woods. Only way to stop me is to kill me and those bastards fucking failed. I didn’t survive that bull shit for nothing._ Because though she couldn’t remember what that bull shit was just yet, she _knew_. 

“Lex. Don’t.” Her eyebrows soften above her eyes as she takes a step forward reaching out to comfort her little sister as best she could. She knew Lexa was devastated. She had to be. Hell, Anya was devastated for her. And she also knew devastated didn’t quite cover it. Lexa always felt things so deeply but tried to push past it and Anya knew that if she tried to do that with this it could destroy her. 

“Don’t what?” She spits at the tender glance that had fallen on her, angry was her default too. “Don’t get my hopes up? Don’t act like it’s ok? Don’t what?!” She clenches her eyes shut trying to fight off the black spots starting to threaten her conciseness. Lexa knew the answer was all the above but she couldn’t handle that lecture right now. She just couldn’t. Her ribs were exploding at the out burst but she made herself press on. Her body throbs, she can't see straight but that doesn't matter. Anya’s, whatever it is, is palpable in the empty hospital room and Lexa can’t stand it.

“It has to be ok! There is no way in _hell_ I’m letting them win. Does it look like I will just let this happen? _They_ don’t get to do this to me. So I’m not getting my hopes up, that’s not what this is. I’m going to fucking fight because this is all I have. This isn’t happening. Not to me.” Her head begins to spin as she snarls past clenched teeth. The pain in her skull is nothing like a normal headache, but like her skull was a pressure cooker for her brain. 

“Anya, damn it! I didn’t survive them..“ She cuts herself off not fully knowing what was done to her but also knowing that maybe it would sneak out of her mouth before she did and she wasn’t ready to verbalize what was done to her, not ready for how her sister will react if she finds out what Lexa thought happened is true. Lexa can’t shake the gut wrenching terror at the nagging thought replaying like a broken record - She doesn’t know what they did to her but she had her ideas and she has a terrible _knowing_ feeling they aren’t far off. “whatever they did to me to be _useless_. I’m going back.”She lowers her voice, not really meaning to yell that loud as her anger switches back to devastation and panic. “I have to go back.” 

Anya meets her eyes with Lexa’s and smiles as best she can. She really is trying, Lexa would give her that. “Ok.” Lexa looks at her quizzically not expecting the older woman to give up that easily from pressing her to deal with it, to accept reality. “Ok. It may take a while but we’ll get there.” Relief washes over the younger brunette as she tries to relax back into the bed. The pain renewing in waves over her body. “It’s not going to be easy, Lex, probably the hardest thing you’ll do. It’ll be a fight a brutal, brutal fight. It’s going to be painful as fuck and to say there’s a lot you have to overcome would be an understatement and we don’t even know half of it yet, but we will and it’s going to get really _really fucking_ hard. And you’re going to want to quit and give up but you won’t. And even after everything you still may not get cleared. But I’m in.” She isn’t being discouraging but honest and it’s a quality Lexa always appreciated. Anya doesn’t lie, not to her.

Anya’s pulled up a chair next to the bed as she quiets her voice as if to let Lexa in on a secret. “It’s ok, not to want to go back. It’s ok to work to just have a normal life, just to walk again. I’ll be there for that and support you one hundred percent if that’s what you choose too. You’ve done your part, Lexa, there’s no shame in that. That’s not them winning. They never stood a chance. You killed every one of those bastards but even without that they lose by you choosing to live. Even if you work and you fight and go through another hell to get back and you can’t, it’s still ok. There are other things you can do besides go to war. You need to understand that. Something good is going to come of this. I have to believe that. You didn't live for nothing to come of this.” 

“So, if you want to do this - try to go back, hell even anything past walking, I’m in. But can you please, for the love of god, chill your shit for five minutes? I just got you back.” Anya’s voice rises as she swallows past a new formed lump in her throat. Her eyes well up with tears as emotion surfaces in the beyond exhausted woman at replaying thoughts about what Lexa is going to deal with, what she has already gone through. “I just got you back, Lex.” 

"Ok." Lexa smiles back, her green eyes threatening to fill with tears at the way Anya regards her. Respectful. Tender. Supportive. Honest. 

“A big long speech and all I get is an ok?” Anya forces a laugh from her chest constricted with grief, that she can’t help but feel shouldn’t be there as she tries to break the nearly awkward silence that had fallen between them. 

“I thought you said you weren’t going to give me the speech.” Lexa’s eyes soften in a true smile as she stifles a laugh, the rumble of joy too painful for her body. Anya only shrugs and offers a smirk. She always loved to lecture Lexa, often told her to take notes when she was younger. ”How long was I out?"

“After they brought you out of the first medically induced coma, which was a month. A week the first time, three the second, after that you went in and out of consciousness for three more weeks or so. It was pretty bad. You would wake up either crying out in pain, or in a seizure. They put you back under for a month wile things calmed down, they pulled you out four days ago. You fought intubation a day later, woke up that time we explained stuff two days ago. Before that I didn't think you would ever wake up all the way again." Lexa realizes just how close to death she had come, it must have been miserable to watch for her. Anya had lost her mom to cancer, she watched her waste away and this must not have been any different, maybe worse, at least her mom had time before, Anya got to prepare a little for that. It sounds terrible and Lexa is glad she can’t remember it. 

"Well at least I caught up on sleep." trying to make light of the situation for the comfort of her sister. _It’s ok, Ayn. I’m here. I made it._

She pulls the chair up to the bed closer and brushes the brunette’s forehead with her hand gently "I'm so glad you woke up little one. Now rest up, you’re going to need it.” 

“Ayn?" She manages a weak whisper, the adeline and anger gone from fueling her body. Just that small squeak of a name hurts unbearably, forcing the soldiers face to twist in pain. 

"Yeah?" Anya looks at her still worried, still soft, as she continues to run her hand over slightly greasy hair. 

Lexa digs deep to find all the energy she can muster, She finds herself sleepily smiling at the woman leaning over her, trying to reassure her comfort. Anya's worried-ness was freaking her out a more then a little. She runs her fingers through the girls hair only making her sleepier.”I love you.” 

Her lips smile down at the fading girl but her eyes are tired and sad. “I love you too, sis.” Responding softly, her voice shakes ever so slightly, as she tries to smile through it but Lexa catches the tears welling up as Anya barley chokes them back. They both knew it but never spoke it, not enough anyway. Her eyelids feel too heavy and she lets her eyes close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chest candy - name for ribbon rack on military uniforms 
> 
> SF - special forces (army's acronim) the Navy uses SpecOps or SpecWar or NSW (navy special warfare)


	9. Fancy-Smancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio of idiots (Clarke, Octavia, and Raven) get ready for the big date after Clarke finishes freaking out about it. Teasing ensues. She takes Lexa's breath away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long guys. I've had some stuff come up. I'm thinking one more chapter maybe but I plan on putting what I have in the notes and stuff up as well before I leave (duty calls I guess) so I don't leave you completely hanging. Thank you so much for the reviews comments and kind words, please keep them coming!

It’s been almost a week since Clarke has seen Lexa and she is going a little stir crazy. They had been texting, even talked on the phone one early morning but not seeing the brunette was driving Clarke nuts. Octavia had commented on it more then once, Lincoln had pushed her about it too. Clarke knew he was good friends with Lexa, but she wasn’t sure if Lexa knew the connection. She doubted it the way she looked so surprised when Clarke knew some of her favorite things or things she hadn’t really shared yet. Lincoln was her secret weapon and she planned on taking full advantage. 

Lexa had been out of town with the basketball team as they finished up their post season run. The night, that was really morning, when they talked on the phone was a few days ago. Lexa was incredibly competitive, Clarke was starting to pick up on that but she was nearly distraught, as close as Lexa could get to distraught, for the girls.They had worked so hard all year, and the seniors had played their last competitive game. That really sucked. At least basketball was one of those sports where pick up was possible to quench the thirst a little bit, not really like football or fastpitch. Clarke was lucky, she could go to a golf tournament anytime she needed to. Clarke things that might be the thing upsetting the other woman the most, is that a big part of these girls lives that she had gotten close with was now over. Lexa would never admit it but she was a true bleeding heart. Clarke was too but she didn’t hide it, she didn’t try to control it or run from it. 

Lexa had asked her out and she was beyond excited the entire week for their plans but she was nervous Lexa would want to cancel and she wasn’t sure why. “For the love of god quit being stupid and just text her already. She’s not going to cancel.” Octavia throws up her hands from across the island in their kitchen as she watches Clarke sulk on the couch. “I haven’t seen her at the base all week. She’s been busy. Lincoln said she had some trainings early and has been doing come command stuff. You of all people should understand that.” 

“I know it’s just we haven't -“ _had coffee and she usually makes the effort to come see me. What if I screwed up by kissing her?_

“Clarke. Just. Fucking. Text. Her.” 

“She’s probably not awake. It’s 4:30.” 

“You see, Griffin, how this texting thing works is the text stays on your phone with this little bubble till you look at it.” Her annoying ass roommate tosses a breakfast bar at Clarke, who glares at her as she picks the bar up from where it bounced to a halt on the couch cushion. “I bet she’s up by 5 anyway, so I’ll say it again. Text. Her.” 

“But-“

“Fine then give me your phone and I’ll do it.” Clarke hugs the phone to her chest out of Octavia’s sight as she extends her hand motioning for Clarke to toss it to her. 

“Ok. Ok. I’ll do it.” She concedes and begins typing. The last time Octavia text someone for her it ended very badly, with lots of embarrassment for Clarke and lots of explaining that didn’t entirely work. Octavia Blake would not be touching her phone anytime soon. 

**Clarke**

**We still on for our date tonight?**

**Lexa**

**Of course, pick you up at 7?**

Clarke is surprised by the prompt response as the little text bubble thing appears on her screen before she can look away but then again not really. She knew Lexa got up early. She also knew Lexa did not sleep well and opted to get stuff done instead of laying awake in bed. _Except with me, she slept with me._

**Clarke**

**See you at 7 then :)**

**Lexa**

**See you at 7 then :)**

**Clarke**

**I didn’t wake you up did I?**

**Lexa**

**Nope. Couldn’t sleep.**

 

**Too excited for tonight :)**

Clarke’s miserable attempt for a look of indifference as she worried shifts swiftly to a beaming smile. Two smiley faces from Lexa in less then 10 minutes, today would be a good day. Even if she was certain that the second one was covering up part of the reason she wasn’t sleeping - Clarke would talk to her about that tonight.  “See... was that so hard?” Octavia walks past her into their shared bathroom to brush her teeth.

“Fuck off, O.” Clarke hip-checks her to one side of the sink so they could share. Perks of having O as a roommate, they were both on an entirely too early schedule so she had company in the morning. Cons’? She had company in the morning, specifically Octavia’s company. It was a love hate relationship between them really. (Or not, Clarke liked to pretend ok.) Her phone vibrates in her pocket as she starts running the brush over her teeth pausing with it in her cheek as she opens it. 

**Lexa**

**I hope you have a wonderful day,**

**Clarke. I am really looking forward**

**to tonight.**

Octavia shoots her a teasingly smug look in the mirror. Clarke flips her off as she resumes brushing her teeth. She hated Octavia. She really did. Especially when she was right. 

**Clarke**

**Me too :)**

**and you too!**

Clarke hands Octavia he bag as she hands Clarke a travel mug of coffee on their way our the door. “Link and I ‘ll be at his place tonight.” The feisty girl winks at her as they walk down the stairs. “You know just incase.” 

The blonde cheeks and neck burn as she nearly trips down the steps. She hadn’t really though of that. Ok, she had, but this was a little different then thinking about it. This could actually happen, but she also knew something really freaked Lexa out so she doubted it would and Clarke was one hundred percent ok with that. Her stomach flips in anticipation and excitement and a hint of nerves. Ok, maybe more then just a hint. “She’s not like that, O.” 

“Whatever, man. I’ll see you later. Try not to kill anyone.” She waves the back of her hand at the blonde as they part ways. 

“Yeah, you either.” Clarke mutters their usual morning greeting as she walks deep in thought the few blocks to he hospital. Clarke always like the quiet of the morning, still dark, no one around. She was alone but not lonely like she often found herself in the dark of the night. The day held so much promise and Clarke couldn’t help but allow a little bounce to her step as she rounded the corner. The sunrise was always so beautiful, so quiet. It’s a shame really that it had to be so early, Clarke would watch it a lot more often if it wasn’t. Though now she guessed it didn’t matter because she was always up before the sun was anyway.

The day goes by all too slow and entirely too fast at the same time. She can’t wait for tonight but she can’t get over how nervous she is. _You’ve been around her before. You’ve hung out. You’ve kissed. Quit being a pussy._ Jackson shoots her looks all day as she ranges from entirely spaced out to overly chipper with the patients. Nyko also gives her warning glares all day having heard from Anya about the date, but she notices he is also oddly happy today. He even wishes her good luck as she leaves the hospital. _So confusing._

As Clarke gets closer to home her heart starts beating faster in her chest, her hands start getting sweaty, her appetite goes out the window. She really has no idea how she’s going to eat tonight at dinner. _Dinner. Shit_. She has an hour and a half. She still has to shower, some how time her lion’s main of a head of hair, shave - god she better shave- pick out something to wear, do her make up. Clean her room a bit - just in case. _Shit_. 

When she gets home Octavia is stepping from the bathroom wrapped in a towel. “Damn, you look like you’re about to go into full on finals mode. I haven’t seen you like this since college. Calm down.” 

“Not now, O.” She walks into the bathroom and strips jumping into a already steam filled shower. She runs her hands through her hair trying to brush out the rats nest of a messy bun that was on top of her head all day and runs a razor swiftly over her legs muttering short ouches and strings of eloquent swearing as she nicks her skin. 

“You really gotta relax. You’re stressing me out. Raven said she’d be her in 5 minutes to help.” Her friend is sitting on the toilet seat when she emerges from the shower hair a wet mess inside of the towel. The beach waves really got annoying sometimes. “Did you shave - you know?” 

“OCTIVIA!” The annoying ass girl throws her hands up as Clarke wraps the towel around her waste and throws on a bra Octavia had placed on the counter for her with a matching thong. They had seen each other naked, it was old news by now. They’d been best friends since they were like 8 years old. “Should I? I mean it’s groomed-” 

“I don’t know. Not really sure what girls like here Griff.” Clarke lens over the sink to get closer to the mirror as she plucks her eyebrows. “You’re the half lesbian. You tell me.”

“Bisexual, you ass.” The nearest object to her right hand, a tissue box, is slung across her body at her laughing asshat of a friend. “This is different.” She puts her hand down from tweezing and glances over at the shrugging girl still reclined on the porcelain as the door clicks shut in their living room. 

“Should Clarke shave or no?” Octavia yells at the newly entered woman and the completion of other incredibly dangerous group. They had gotten into a lot of shit together, these three. 

Raven makes the other girl share the toilet. “I mean as long as you're situated..”

“Yes, oh my god. I’m “situated”. I hate both of you. So much. I don’t have time for this.” She flexes her chin towards the mirror looking for a sign of a break out. She lets out a sigh of relief when she finds none. Dropping the towel she steps into the thong while the two are occupied looking at something on Raven’s phone. 

“Damn. Good choice O.” The two tap knuckles as Raven voices her approval of the lingerie. “Navy really brings out her eyes.”Octavia takes an exaggerated bow from her seat on the toilet. 

“How did you know I didn’t pick it out? I could have.” Clarke protests indignantly as she runs a towel over her hair trying to dry it further but only succeeding in locking her waives into a tangled mess.Raven only raises an eyebrow as Octavia laughs. “Have I mentioned I hate you?” 

“Yeah, yeah. Old news.” She slides behind Clarke and starts to blow dry her hair while Octavia disappears to get her and Raven some wine. They tag team it as per usual. Raven on the hair, Octavia on the make up. Clarke was good at this stuff but the girls knew how exhausted she was and this routine was set in stone since college. The one on the date got done by the others because each of them were really no good at doing this shit when they were distracted. They hadn’t done this in awhile but it was easy. Natural. Clarke hadn’t realized how much she missed this.

“You guys are the best.” Clarke mutters as she views the final product in the mirror soft sweeping curls and elegant makeup. 

“Again, old news.” Raven waves as she follows a still flustered Clarke into her bedroom, Raven and Octavia plopping down on her bed with little squeaks from springs as they bounce once on top of the mattress. They watch from the bed as Clarke stands with her hands on her hips in front of her closet, her hands shifting to run through her still damp curls before rummaging through her closet rapidly. “Calm down Griffin. Jesus. You’re stressing me out.” 

Clarke glances back at them eyes wide and eyebrows creased in warning. “Told you.” Octavia mutters only to catch another glare. “Ok.” She stands and walks over to the closet and immediately grabs a long navy blue gown Clarke wore to an event for her mother once and shoves the hanger into the blonde’s chest before promptly returning to the bed. She raises her hands motioning for Clarke to put the damn thing on already. 

“It’s not too..” 

“No, she said it at that new five star place down town right?” Clarke nods. “It’s perfect. Link looked up some photos.” Clarke slides the dress on and turns for one of them to zip it up. After the back is done she turns and strikes a pose for the hell of it. Octavia lets out a low whistle as Raven nods in approval. 

“We did good, O. Still got it.” She blows on her fingernails and buffs them off on her shoulder with a smirk. As octavia smacks her other extended hand in the most solid high five of the century. 

“I’d do her.” The youngest of the three agrees and throws an aggressive wink toward her blonde best friend. 

“You’re straight, fuck off.” She shifts her wight on her hip and grabs a the pair of heels she bought to go with the dress. “This isn’t about sex. We are taking things slow, it took nearly a month to even kiss.”

Raven puts the back of her newly buffed off hand on Clarke’s forehead. “Who are you and what have you done with Clarke? You sure you're feeling ok?”

“Stop. It’s not, ok? I really _really_ like her. This is different.”She runs her hands over the dress smoothing the wrinkles but not her bundle of nerves. 

“Yeah, yeah. You said that already.”The small brunette rolls to her back on the bed hanging her head off the side for a moment before sitting up with a grunt. Octavia completely understood just how different this was but she liked Clarke in this flustered state but also she could tell the more the blonde said it aloud the more confident she grew. 

“O, I think this could be it for me. That’s how different.” She huffs out a deep breath blowing a curl from her face. Octavia had to note that that one was new, and she was a little surprised to hear it so soon. “I don’t want to screw this up.” Clarke holds two separate pairs of earrings to the side of her face as she contemplates which one. 

“Right ones.” Both the girls leaning against each other on the bed decide as Clarke slides the agreed upon earrings into her lobes with a deep sigh. 

“You’re not going to screw this up.” There’s a knock on the door and Clarke glances at the clock next to her bed 6:59. Shit. 

_God I hope not._ Clarke mouths into the air, no audible breath passing her now glossed lips. She didn’t want to give the two idiots she has for best friends a chance to insert more jokes. “Ok. I’ll see you assholes tomorrow.” 

“You kids have fun. Don’t be silly -.” 

“-wrap the willy.” Octavia finishes.

“You have got to be kidding me.” She whispers as she walks to the door pretending not to hear the last comment. Neither of them even have anything close to a ‘willy’, and besides it’s the principal of the thing. Can’t they just believe her that nothing is going to happen and quit teasing her about it even if it were on the table. Clarke wasn’t even this nervous for her first time. _I have got to get new friends._

Before she twists the knob she rotates her core turning back to her friends one last time. Her eyes fall on a gentle smile raising Raven’s cheeks not even in the slightest bit of an apology in her eyes. “You have nothing to worry about, Clarke. She wold be lucky to have you.” _Do I really look ok?_

 

//

 

Lexa takes a deep breath as she walks up to Clarke’s apartment wiping her clammy hands on the thighs of her dress Anya picked out. Lexa had been leery but decide she liked after she had put it on. Anya had helped her with her hair curling it so it gracefully laid on one of her shoulders swept to one side, and she had helped with her makeup too. _Let me do it. The only makeup you can apply is war paint - Shut up, Anya._

She slowly reaches her hand up toward the door to knock, pausing a second to finalize her composure. _You’ve got this. Just a date. It’s just a date._ Her knuckles meet the hard wood three times quickly before she defaults and places them behind her back. Once Lexa realizes she should look more relaxed she moves them to the front of her waist. Shoulders back, head high, and a small smile teasing her cheeks as she waits for the blonde. 

The door knob twists and Lexa finds herself holding her breath, which she probably should not have done considering the sight of the blue eyed beauty took her breath away. “Wow,” she mutters as her hand finds the back of her neck yet again. “Clarke, you.. you are beautiful.” 

The blonde’s tension held momentarily in her shoulders is released as she smiles into those big green eyes. Lexa’s soft grin only widens and works it’s way to her eyes. The midnight blue gown wraps Clarke’s body perfectly. Her strong waste. Her chest. Her collarbones. Man was Clarke pretty. Her hair fell in princess like curls framing her head and Lexa couldn’t help but think a crown belonged sitting atop them. 

“Are you ready?” Lexa asks as she takes in the beauty before her. She really is unsure of how the words found their way past her lips without a stutter, but she was thankful all the same. 

“Yes.” The blonde is pulled from her trance and Lexa can’t help but smile as she notices the blue eyes taking her in from her toes to her hair and back again. “So you do own a dress?” The girl quips as she walks past Lexa and shuts the door behind her.

“Well this one is technically Anya’s, but yes, Clarke. There is more to me then the army and athletics. Though I will admit, not much.” She smiles back as Clarke turns her head to look at her as she walks down the stairs, pausing a moment to be sure not to trip over the long dress. And honestly, Clarke knows that isn't true. This woman seems so intelligent and just full of knowledge and all kinds of things despite how much she acts like the military and sports are her only interests. 

Once they reach the bottom Lexa somehow manages to sneak in front of Clarke to hold the door open for her and then again to open the passenger side door of her old little Lexus. “You don’t have to do that Lexa. I can open a door.” 

“I know but my dad would kinda roll over in his grave if I wasn’t well mannered. Habit.” 

“You open everyone’s car door?”

A bashful smile sneaks its way to her lips, “No, Clarke. That is just for you.” She shuts the door and slides into the drivers seat and starts them on their way.

“Lexa, seatbelt.” 

The brunette reaches across her body with a pout as she clicks the cool metal into the buckle shaking her head in disagreement the entire time. “It’s a stupid law.” 

“It saves lives.” 

“Still a stupid law. There are more dangerous things, besides the only purpose of the law is to make the state money. Complete BS.”

“Seriously?” 

“Can you imagine what Paul Revere or George Washington would have said if someone told them they had to strap themselves to their horse?”

“You probably don't think motorcyclists should wear helmets then do you?" 

"Well..." 

"Lexa!"

"What? I believe it is within their rights to have that _choice_ with their _own lives_.But it is also cheaper if they don’t so it would be dumb to force that law.” 

Clarke is abut to respond but she stops herself as they pull up beneath a overhang and someone is opening her door. “Miss.” The not bad looking man helps her from the car.

Lexa hands the keys to his partner and tells him to take care of her baby with a wink as she follows Clarke inside. The two are seated immediately and by a spot with a view over the water twinkling with city lights. 

The waiter hands them menus after Lexa orders a bottle of wine for the table. “Trying to get me drunk, Captian?” Clarke teases as she opens a menu and Lexa can’t help but laugh nervously at the implication, she catches herself before she cringes at the use of her rank no matter how jokingly. She just wants to be Lexa tonight. “Lexa, I was kidding, I know you wouldn’t do that. I’m sorry.” 

“I know you were. It’s not that, it’s just -“ She looks down at her own menu in attempt to hide. _It’s stupid. Let it go._ The brunette was so surprised by Clarke’s ability to read her she felt compelled to open up. 

“Just what?” Perfect french tip’s peak over the top of her menu forcing it lower onto the smooth white table cloth, soft hand sliding to find Lexa’s across the table. “You can tell me.” 

“It’s stupid.” It is. She was just upset because she felt like she was going backwards with progress recently and she didn’t want to think of the military and what potential - or lack of - it held for her. 

“It’s not.” The blonde’s thumb slides over the backs of her knuckles slowly as the two women allow their eyes to meet. 

“I - It’s just - I don’t want to think about the Army tonight.” Clarke smiles in a compassionate understanding. She hadn’t talked much to her the last week or so but Clarke picked up on things. Lexa knew she was walking a little stiffer then she should be.

“Rough week?” 

She tilts her head forward in a short bashful nod as they pause for a moment, Clarke sipping from the glass of wine that appeared in front of her. Lexa responds before Clarke gets the chance too, nervous of what she will think. “Great. We nearly got into a political argument in the car and now I’m being stupid. Coffee is easier. I’m sorry.” She didn’t understand, she was Miss Cool Under Pressure herself and here she was being flustered in front of a pretty girl she’s already been dating for a little more than a month. _Great job, idiot_. 

Lexa shifts in her chair before being reassured by a squeeze on her hand. “Know what’s stupid? Not wearing a seatbelt.” Clarke winks across the table as she releases Lexa’s hand and grabs her own menu again. Lexa releases a small laugh as the nerves fade with Clarke’s ease. Her mind is wandering back to the ghost of a touch still tingling the nerves of her hand. 

Her heart slides down from where it seemed to have taken residence in her throat and the pounding has slowed. Her mind feels clearer and her usual quiet confidence returns. _Ok. I can do this_. “Order whatever you like, Clarke.” 

“Lexa” She gasps as she looks over the menu. “It’s so expensive. Are you sure?” 

“The chef owes me - so yes, Clarke, order what ever you like. Forgetting my wallet will not be a problem tonight.” She chuckles as she winks across the table at the now beaming blonde. 

“In that case, were you thinking two or three appetizers?” 

“I like the way you think, Dr. Griffin.” 


	10. Who's holding who

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After dinner they go back to Clarke's place. Fluffyness ensues. Get ready folks the story continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long guys and I just wanted to get something out there for ya'll. You've been amazing. I am ok I just was in a place where I didn't really have access or time for writing. Which will happen every once and awhile but I do plan on continuing. I still have a lot planned for this one. I hope you like it and it isn't too bad. Tell me what you think! As always comments really do make my day, I await the notifications in my email a little more than I would like to admit. As always, you guys rock. Thank you.

The rest of dinner goes nicely, sweet glances, playful words, brief moments of touching of the two girls hands across the table or knocking of feet beneath it. Lexa’s smile is glowing replacing the painted on version she typically wears. Her heart is pounding in her chest as she takes Clarke’s arm in her elbow and walks them to her car. The blonde smiles appreciatively as she opens the door for her again helping her into the car for the drive back to drop her off. 

Driving back the pit in Lexa’s stomach grows as the butterflies in there start to have a conniption. Where will this night lead? What does Clarke expect from her? Will she be disappointed? The questions bounce in the back of her mind as the rest of her drives one handed, right hand occupied by the warm gentle hand belonging to her gorgeous date. The gentle stroke of a thumb along her skin sends chills up the brunette’s spine. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. 

She finds herself turning her head to look at the girl beside her who has brought her hand up to her lips and pressed it to her smile. Lexa offers a soft smile before turning her focus back to the road. “Thank you, for tonight.” The blonde offers moving their hands to rest in her lap as her are hand rests on Lexa’s forearm. “It was nice. Best free food I’ve ever had.” 

“I’m glad you liked it.” She squeezes the girl's hand a moment as she places the car in park outside Clarke’s building. “I told you you looked beautiful tonight didn’t I?” 

Lexa turns her head to look at Clarke, shifting in her seat to face the blonde a little better. “You did.” Clarke does the same so their shoulders are more square. “Many times.” Lexa’s heart grows softer at the pink resting in the blonde’s cheeks and the slight upturn of her perfect lips as she leans in closer to the center consul of the car. 

“I had fun tonight.” Lexa finds herself leaning in instinctually drawn toward the girl smiling at her like she is the only thing in the world. “Thank you for joining me, Clarke.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” She leans forward drawing Lexa closer still, she brushes her lips against her cheek in a soft whisper of love “And…Tonight doesn’t have to be over.” A lump slides down Lexa’s throat as she fights the twitch in her in her core, the part of her that wants nothing more and the part of her that is so terrified she can’t think to move.

“C-clarke.” The blond leans back and takes in the wide eyes and the now very red face of the woman sitting across from her. She can’t help but smile at the most flustered she’s ever seen Lexa but she also feels bad. She is clearly not ready for that step and Lexa is kicking herself for it. She can’t look at those blue eyes any longer. She is such a disappointment. 

A hand finds her cheek thumb gently running across the side of her face. “Lexa, I don’t want tonight to be over but that doesn’t mean it has to go in that direction. Stay. Have a beer. Don’t. Watch football with me on the couch. Watch a sappy movie. Play cards. Anything. I just don’t want tonight to be over.” She joins her eyes back with Clarke’s who's have gone softer than before and is now glancing away. “This night.. It’s been amazing and I haven't had this good of a time in a while. I want to spend more time with you.”

Lexa doesn’t answer with anything but the calmness returning to her gut. “Great, I sound desperate. It’s just, I haven’t seen you all week. I miss you. Now I’m the one rambling.”

A surge of confidence hits Lexa’s bloodstream as she takes the blond’s cheek in her own hand and places tentative lips to hers. “Stop your rambling then.” She leans back and smirks over at the sigh passing from the other woman’s lips. “Beer and TV sounds nice, you can pick this time. Do you mind if I borrow some more comfortable clothes? Dresses aren’t exactly my favorite.” 

“But you look so good in them.” Clarke winks as she gets out of the car and opens Lexa’s door intern for her. “Comfy clothes and cuddles it is.” She steals a gentle kiss from Lexa and the brunette feels her smile against her lips. She could get used to kissing Clarke. There was no doubt about that. “Thank you.” 

“Anytime.” 

Lexa takes in Clarke’s apartment. It’s small, but homey, more so then her own. There are photos where her apartment holds empty shelves. The walls hold paintings, beautiful paintings, where Lexa’s are plane. She never wanted to make a permanent residence of this place. She would just be deploying again after all. 

_Maybe. Hopefully._ Lexa feels her mind wondering back to thoughts of her situation. What got her here in the first place. Where she is going. Her back isn't getting better. But she has to go back. She fights guilt gnaws at her gut for being here when her guys are over in that hell hole. _You are allowed to live_. 

“Sit down while I go grab you something to change into. Lexa, relax, ok? Quit thinking so hard. I’ll be right back.” 

She only nods as she sits on the couch. Mouth shut. Back strait. Just like they taught her at West Point. Army through and through, except where she isn’t, except where it’s her father’s blood in her veins, that god forsaken blue and gold. Nonetheless the military owns her. Her life is the United States of America’s, no more no less. Well, maybe less now that she’d been broken for it. Would they cast her aside like the broken piece of equipment she has become? Probably. She'd be lying if she said they wouldn’t. What good is a soldier who can't fight… 

“Hey, are you ok? What are you thinking about?” She finds the blond in front of her, shirt and sweats in hand. She had been looking straight ahead but she hadn’t even noticed Clarke approach. She just smiles without a word as she stands. “I found your stuff I borrowed, is that ok?” 

“It’s perfect. Thank you.” She smiles as she walks by the blonde with a look, _where can I change?_

“There is the bathroom or you can change in my room. I’ll be right here. Can I get you a beer or anything?” 

“A beer sounds great. Thank you.” Lexa decides on the bathroom not wanting to invade Clarke’s room. She takes a moment to run water over her face and look herself in the mirror before she slides the shirt over her head. _Relax. Lexa. Don’t think about war. Just for one night. One night Is all I ask. I’m begging you._

She collects herself and walks out to find Clarke reclined easily against the couch extending a beer towards the approaching girl with a smile. “There’s my Lexa. Baggy sagging sweats and all. C’mere.” Her hand bounces on the couch next to her. “The Pats are still playing.” 

“Your Lexa huh?” She sits slowly leaning into the soft plush couch and letting Clarke lean into her side as she takes the beer from the girl. Lexa’s free arm falls around shoulders rising and dipping in a content sigh. 

“Yeah, my Lexa. Problem?” Turning her head down she finds those big blue eyes that contain much more than the ocean looking up at her with a mischievous grin. 

The brunette cranes her neck to the side feeling the stretch in her still tight shoulders and back as she places a kiss on the laugh crinkled forehead. “Nope.” She trades the soft skin of Clarke's head for the cool glass of her beer as she allows the brew to wash over her tongue savoring the taste of both. 

A lazy arm snakes across her middle and Clarke leans more against her, eyes questioning if this was ok more so for Lexa’s comfort than emotional approval. Lexa only nods and sighs into the contact - it wasn’t the most comfortable but then again nothing is anymore and so long as Clarke was good she could handle some stiffness in her back. 

“I just can’t believe you're a Pats fan.”

“Through and through. Tell me you don’t like the cowboys. I’m not sure I could recover from that. You being a UNC fan is enough to overcome on it’s own.” 

“I’m just a fan of football.” She shrugs with the weight of the blonde against her. “Seahawks football.” 

“I can live with the Seahawks.”Tom Brady laces a perfect pass up the sideline. The man can work brilliance. His footwork is- soft lips press to the nape of her neck and apparently so can Clarke's lips. Holy wow. 

“Mmmhmm.” Her eyes flutter shut as the lips part from her skin. “Me too.” Mumbles past her lips less coherent than she would have liked. Laughter rumbles through the girl pressed up against her as the head rests back against Lexa’s collar bone. Her cheeks and ears burn, good thing Clarke is watching the game instead.

A hand rests on her core and shakes her slightly as Lexa opens eyes she hadn’t realized she had shut. “Lex, if you're tired you can go sleep in my bed. It’s ok.” 

“What?” Lifting her head from the back of the couch she yawns. “I’m not. It’s a good game. Brady is playing great.” 

The warm chuckle of the blonde somehow allows Clarke to press closer into her side and nuzzle into Lexa’s shoulder. “The game’s been over for an hour.” 

“Oh..” She glances to the clock, it has to be getting late. The red numbers glow at her 11:55. “Aren’t you tired? I thought you had a long shift today.” A yawn runs it’s way out of Clarke as she attempts to say no. “We've fallen asleep together before Clarke, I actually sleep better with you.” Her cheeks burn at the admission but it’s true and something seems off. “So we can just sleep. If it’s ok if I stay. I was kinda hoping if you didn't have plans tomorrow we could do something. But is it that you don’t want to sleep or that you can’t sleep?” 

“What did you have in mind for tomorrow?” 

“I was thinking Golfing and just spending a day out together. But don’t avoid the question, Clarke. You’re exhausted.”

“I - sleep is hard sometimes. It’s not a big deal. I drink a lot of coffee.” 

“Clarke, what’s wrong? You really need to sleep more. I worry about you.” 

“It’s just been a hard year...couple of years.”The brunette bends her head down to rest her chin on top of the girl’s head. Indeed it has. Clarke sits up away from Lexa who lets her arms fall easily to her sides where she was holding the other woman. “I-uh-nothing like your’s. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

Lexa holds her arms open inviting the girl back into her place. Her skin already missing Clarke’s warmth that flowed through her body warming her very soul and maybe even starting to peace it back together. “Clarke, just because I had a rough year doesn't mean you're not allowed to have one. Things happen. Life is shitty. One person’s experience doesn’t negate another’s. It’s not a competition.” She can’t help but shrug, life isn’t bad, but man does it actually suck sometimes. “Maybe my arms can offer some comfort. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I’m here either way.” She offers the most understanding smile she possibly could. Clarke seems to accept as she falls back into the open arms slowly snuggling back into Lexa. 

“You’re amazing you know that right?” 

“Careful, you keep telling me stuff like that I might start to actually believe you.” Lexa deflects only semi successfully. These kinds of things always make her a little uncomfortable, not quite believing them, or knowing how to react. Because though the brunette was incredibly sure of herself in just about everything, around Clarke and in a relationship she felt completly out of her element and completly undeserving of this kind, beautiful, woman's love. Especially after thinking about what her life has consisted up until this point, Lexa was pound of it, but compared to Clarke.. it seemed insignificant. The girl was training to save lives.  

Those big blue eyes go back to the soft smile they carry as the stormy depths disappear at least for a moment. Understanding flashes deep too. Lexa might be confident but insecurity plagues everyone. The girl stretches up to be level with Lexa darting her eyes down to her lips. Hands brush hair she hadn’t noticed had fallen away from her face. The fingertips leave chills running down Lexa’s spine.

“I can show you.” Soft lips press to hers, and Lexa returns the kiss, more firm than the quick pecks and tentative questions before. Clarke’s tongue traces her lips and she instinctively opens her mouth allowing the blonde entrance. God she hasn’t made out like this since high school and damn Clarke is good at this kissing thing. Her hands have wrapped around Clarke’s hips hugging her close. She feels hands slide under her shirt and start to lift it up running up her twitching obliques. 

“Clarke.” Her heart is pounding, her breathing growing heavy and she can’t help but think she’s out of shape. She should stop this but then again she can’t think about anything really. She lets the shirt get lifted over her head exposing her torso and bra.

“Hmm” The blonde mutters between their lips pressing with more urgency moving to to stratal Lexa’s hips. “Tell me to stop.” It was more of a dare than Clarke had intended but no way did Lexa want this to end. Full pink lips on her own, breaths mixing in growing urgency, hands roaming….

Clarke leans back eyes full of passion that makes Lexa’s stomach drop and a new lump slide down her throat as the blonde crosses her arms in front of her and lifts her shirt off in a swift motion. Her shaking hands steadying themselves on Clarke’s hips. Lexa takes in the tight torso the curve of Clark’s hips, the swell of her breasts against her bra. She is so beautiful. The soldier can’t help but think how unmarred her skin is in contrast to hers and she couldn’t be more thankful that Clarke hadn’t had to deal with at least those pains. 

Something crashes to the ground startling Lexa. Her mind snaps quickly from the blissful intake of the beauty in front of her flipping them over so Clarke is on the couch with her protectively crouched on the ground looking for the treat empty beer bottle in hand as her only weapon - it will have to do. As her eyes scan the room she finds the intruder, Clarke’s t-shirt had knocked a lamp over on the table behind the couch when she had tossed it off. 

Her head drops as she lowers her arms and pulls her unoccupied hand away from its protective position over the girl on the couch as she lets the empty beer bottle fall to the ground. _What is wrong with you._ Suddenly aware of the lack of t-shirt on her torso she grabs it and slides it over her head. If it was possible it is almost like her scars are raised from her skin and glowing, and not just the ones that mark her skin. She just feels exposed and entirely too open for the moment. “Clarke, I - “ 

The blonde reaches behind the couch and slowly puts her own shirt back on before putting her feet back on the ground and leaning over to hug Lexa to her chest. “It’s ok. It's ok, Lexa, don’t you dare apologize for that.” She mutters into ruffled brown curls in such understanding that leaves Lexa confused on how someone could be so patient so invested in her. They haven't known each other for that long and Lexa has a lot of demons crawling around even ones hidden to herself and she really doesn't understand the way Clarke is so good about it. “How bout if I hold you tonight? Please, Lex, you’re safe here with me and all I want to do is hold you.” 

“I’m not afraid. I don’t need comfort..” 

“I know.” She nods, Clarke knowing that on some level it isn’t true at all. Lexa might not need the comfort from being startled and she isn’t afraid of anything in the slightest but this woman needs _something_. She needs reminder that she’s home that she’s safe that it’s ok to get lost in a moment, that it's ok that part of her is still at war. “It’s instinct. I know you don’t need my protection, but you’re just so damn cute and you kinda fit in my arms perfectly… so let me hold you.” She only nods and climbs onto the couch into the warmth of Clarke behind her. “Good night, Lexa. Sleep well you beautiful, beautiful soul.” Tickles the brunette ear sending a shiver down her spine as she relaxes further into the women behind her and letting her eyes shut. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> west point v navy comment - blue and gold are the colors of USNA


	11. Puppy or Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the big date from Clarke's point of view. Lexas' sleepy stage is adorable, Clarke has caught her between sleep and consciousness before her brain can get the better of her and that in fact almost gets better of Clarke... if ya know what I mean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI again my friends!!!!! It has been a while! I should be back with some more chapters very soon. As you know I was supposed to be back in December but made a reappearance a little while ago. I have some bad news that could use thoughts and prayers if you into that thing, while underway I sorta managed to shatter my ankle and had to go back a little early. Last few weeks since I posted have been filled with surgery and rehab and overall not super fun things... so good vibes would be much appreciated. However I got to leave where I was at for surgery and things to spend Thanksgiving with my family so that is a very big positive. It has been a while. 
> 
> Sorry for the ramble my good readers! Anyway here is the next one. As per usual I loved writing it and the continuation of this chapter should be up very very soon. Please keep reviewing they still make my day and really encourage my writing. I am looking for someone to bounce ideas off of for some upcoming things I have planned so if you feel interested let me know! 
> 
> Thank you for the continued support and kind words through my bit I was away from y'all. Happy Thanksgiving Friends - I hope you all have the most lovely time, and at the very least some tasty ass food. Eat your hearts out. 
> 
> As always it is truly a pleasure - ENJOY

Clarke’s eyes open slowly as she yawns, soft brown hair tickling her chin as it drops to let the (hopefully not too bad) breath into the cozy air of her apartment. A sleepy smile replaces the tired puff of air past her morning thirsty lips as she glances down at at the beautiful woman sleeping against her chest curled tight into her body. Clarke’s arm drapes easily over her torso gently rising and falling slow and smooth in the breath of sleep. 

The blonde grows reluctant to move in fear of waking the sleeping woman. Lexa’s usually pressed brow relaxed and face at ease in maybe the most peaceful looking sleep Clarke has seen. She can’t help but wonder if sleeping is the only time Lexa can really be at peace anymore but maybe it's the place most vulnerable to her mind’s attacks. They have yet to really talk about it but the girl is struggling even if she won't admit it or can’t see it. But damn, Lexa is so beautiful all tucked into her like this. The morning sun thing off her somehow not greasy brown hair giving it a golden sheen, Clarke just hoped hers wasn’t too bad. The gentle light playing off of Lexa’s tan face hardly visible from the angle Clarke was glancing down at where it rested on her chest.

Though still warm Clarke pulls the fuzzy blanket up covering most of Lexa and herself as she yawns again pleading that she wouldn’t wake the sleeping woman. Clarke gets an urge in her gut to press her lips to the dreamless forehead and whisper secrets into her hair. _God, I love you -_ passes through her mind at near lightning speed. She almost doesn’t catch it but does just in time to stop those intimate words from slipping past her lips that she does find at the surprisingly small girl’s hairline. She suppresses coughing at the near slip. _What the hell? No. Clarke. You can’t possibly be in love already. Slow the fuck down._ She really couldn’t be in love already could she? Maybe, but she knew she was falling hard and fast for the still fairly mysterious woman in her arms.

She grabs the remote off the couch next to Lexa and turns the TV to the news before thinking about it and catches herself changing the channel to Sports Center. She knows Lexa isn’t that fragile but the news talks about a lot of things and Clarke’s hated that the woman gets tense at what’s going on. She never asks but she is so curious if it's because of her not being there to do something or it bringing up memories. She imagines it's more of the first because she is slowly learning Lexa’s secretly swelling heart and how tender it really is. She _knows_ Lexa feels so deeply, the kind of stomach churning, chest tightening care the breaks your heart and fills your gut with a emptying kind of sorrow. Clarke feels it too to some degree but a little differently.

Like the other day for example, there was a news thing that popped up on the woman's phone. Lexa was incredibly informed, Clarke would give her that... Anyway... there apparently  was a bombing in Iran of all places that killed 13 people. Lexa's face had gone pallid and she let out a huff of air as if it had really punched her straight in the gut. Iran! Iran is probably the farthest thing from an ally and here she was, a soldier, who had fought some of these people, some of these people had tried to her, and she was nearly made sick over the thought of a bombing. Even in Iran, a place where that happens on a semi-regular basis. So yeah, Clarke knew it upset her on principal, and probably even more so that she wasn't doing anything at the moment to make it stop. 

Clarke respected her for that, and the way she stepped up as a leader. Clarke herself is a little afraid of the leadership or responsibility that may come with Lexa’s profession but she gets the sense that though Lexa says she was born for it, she was probably raised for it as well. That’s a lot of pressure on a kid, her parents did it to her as well but Clarke was a reluctant to be a leader, someday soon though she feels like she might have to be the thing she never wanted. You can't really avoid destiny can you? Clarke sure hopes so. 

Didn’t Lexa’s father try to protect her from that responsibility? It killed her mother, it killed him eventually, probably a lot of his friends. Maybe she couldn't have been protected, not with being all around it or maybe he knew the positions she would be in, in some strange way and tried to prepare her as best as he could. She hopes she can talk to Lexa about it, find out more. Because this woman was so damn interesting and Clarke wanted to know everything about her. 

So she keeps the sports channel on. Lexa loved them, Clarke liked them enough, and nothing in sports would stir that sense of duty pulling so hard at Lexa’s soul and tugging more and more at Clarke’s own heart. Clarke hates how much her mind wanders, she really does. Because she feels Lexa wake up against her and almost misses it as she gets stuck in her own head. 

She does catch it though and smiles at the little squirms in the brunette’s legs brush soft skin against hers. “Good morning.” 

“Mmmmm, morning Babe.” 

Clarke would give her that, she did almost tell the woman she loved her. “Sleep well?” She yawns with a small laugh because she knew she did if the lines on Lexa’s face as she adjusts a little against her and the damp spot on Clarke’s shirt. 

“Sports Center, huh? Closet Jock.” She glances up at her pillow, releasing a string of pops unintentionally and Clarke immediately guilty as her mind jumps to Lexa’s body and how stiff it must be feeling from sleeping all night on a couch curled into her side. 

“Shut up. Is you back ok?”

“Mmmm, yeah.” The sleepy girls head nearly thumps back to it’s pillow made from the blonde’s sternum. “I’m perfect.” 

Clarke can’t help but press her lips to the top of her head again “Mostly, but it hurts most days doesn’t it? Be honest, please Lexa, I want to help you. I can help you but only if you let me.” 

“Clarke,” She shifts closer the blonde to continue muttering sleepily into Clarke’s tightening chest below her old T-shirt “it is ok.” Her head rubs into the shirt trying to bury deeper, _god damn it she’s adorable._ “Yes. It is painful most days, sometimes my legs go numb, others I’m not sure how I move at all, but it’s ok. You’ve seen the chart. It’s not going to get better.” The woman takes a deep breath as the warmth where her her head on Clarke goes cold at the lack of Lexa pressed up against her. She glances down from where she was not really looking at the TV to meet those tired honest eyes. “I’ve accepted that.” _Well that’s a damn lie._ “But it's not going to stop me. Don’t worry so much. Being in your arms and with you is not hurting me, Clarke.” 

The void Lexa’s head and words left when it left Clarke’s chest is filled again as she lays back down and soothes a worry Clarke didn’t even know she had as if the matter was solved. Just like that. Clarke feels Lexa fall asleep again and can't help but chuckle. _How could this woman, this tough as nails, strong warrior, legend of a woman be such a damn puppy?_

“Do you want to go golfing today?” Lexa pushes herself up to meet the only seconds awake blonde’s lips with hers and Clarke finds her gut jump. Lexa’s lips aren’t tentative or questioning, but confident and firm on hers. _Good morning._ “You could shower and change here then swing by my place so I can shower and change then head out.” Clarke fights being melted again in the sleepy morning air, attention still caught by the breath of Lexa’s words tickling her lips. 

“Sounds like a plan to me. You have all day?’ 

“Mhmmm.” Lexa kisses Clarke again who feels a heat growing in her core with the sleepy kisses disturbing her lips “and tomorrow.” 

“Yeah?” Clarke catches her breath and tries not to press too much forward, though morning sex is sounding really really fucking nice right now. God she want’s Lexa but no way is she pressing to ruin whatever they have. It wasn’t worth it. _Sexual tension is fun_ \- she tries to convince herself without much success - _not as fun as actual sex_. 

“Yeah.” Lexa leans over her and moves so her knee rests against Clarke’s center and the blonde has no idea if that is on purpose or not but she gasps into Lexa’s mouth who seems not to notice. She grabs the brunette's hips fighting how hard she wants to pull the shirt right over her head and run her fingers up Lexa’s toned sides. _Fuck._

Lexa scoots back down and lays her head back in it’s spot. _It was an accident then. Not like it matters._ Clarke is entirely too bothered now as she lets her head drop back into the pillow on the couch. “How bout I go get that shower?” She sees her only opportunity for giving herself a chance to recover and takes it. 

The brunette groans in protest but rolls off and lets her get up off the couch having no idea what she’s done to the Blonde. The sight of her all sprawled out on the couch focus shifted to the updates on the NFL pre-season whatever it is they are talking about makes her shake her head and want to laugh until she sees Lexa’s hip bones poking out from her low riding sweats and slightly pulled up shirt - _why does she have to be so hot? shit_ … And that’s when Clarke realized it was on old game they were watching last night - not that it does anything to distract her from the things running through her head that probably shouldn’t be. Like how much she'd really like to lick those abs for one. _Yikes_. _Don't be a weirdo._

She makes her way to the bathroom where she peels off her clothes and slides out of her lacy thong that had no chance of being appreciated by the oblivious brunette in the other room. The water jumps to life out of the faucet as she steps under the steaming stream. Her head leans back and she allows her head to drop back a little as her hand hand runs down her own toned stomach as her fingers get closer to the part of her aching for touch the most. Lexa can wait on the couch for a couple extra minutes, Clarke had a feeling it would not add too much time to her shower anyway as her fingertips reach the soft skin between her legs.


	12. Simple Joys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another one from Clarke's POV, a continuation of chapter 12. The two have some fun together and run into someone from Lexa's past. Super fluffy again.. if anyone has complaints about that let me know but writing these two dorks is fun. Not to worry things will happen soon :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update like I promised. Not my best work but these next things I have planned will be stuff you guys like a lot I think. Thank you guys for the well wishes. Really appreciate them. 
> 
> It may be a little bit while before the next update. I have managed to get pneumonia, but will hopefully be recovering at my home tomorrow. 
> 
> As always it is my pleasure and reviews help keep the story going as well as making it more enjoyable for y'all. Please, pretty please hit me with those reviews. I apologize in advance if the grammar is sloppy. I haven't edited this one much. Enjoy you guys.

Yawing and forcing herself to sit up Lexa checks her phone for the time, 0830, _not too early and leaves us plenty of time to do stuff all day today, awesome_. She clicks the lock button as she gets on the floor, might as well get some of a workout in while Clarke showers. She doesn’t know how long it’ll take, civilians take long showers sometimes and she will probably have to do her hair and stuff. She forgets its not normal to take 2-5 minute showers sometimes. 

Facing the TV she gets into a front leaning rest and watches the commercials timing herself in her head. Her back pulls and begs her to stop but no way in hell. She has to get some work in and she is starting to move backward, that can’t happen. The muscles in her arms and legs start to burn as she continues past the end of the commercial break and into a couple of segments. She always thinks back to her Plebe year when she does these. Gosh they were here more often then they were on their feet it seems like. That was so long ago, it’s almost unbelievable. She had missed their 5 year reunion but most off her class did - most chose to stay in this go round considering how everything was going. 

The sweat starts to bead on her forehead and drip at the back of her neck as the next commercial break comes on the screen. Instead of allowing her knees to drop to the deck she presses her shoulder blades together as she bends her elbows down into pushups. One at first, a pause at the top, then two, then three, and so on up to 15 and back down. It’s not the hardest pyramid set ever but she isn’t in the shape she used to be. Lexa knew that at least, even if she hated it. 

She does drop to a knee now and rolls to her back, sweat sticking to her shirt and the inside of her sweatpants as she sticks her feet beneath Clarke’s couch. Lexa bends up at the waste into a setup and pulls her core and quads pulling tight at her hip as she stands, she squats keeping her core and hamstrings tight on the way back down. Regretting the chosen exercise the entire way she presses on until the end of the next commercial break before switching to tricep dips off the edge of the couch. Clarke’s gotta be almost done, she’s a civilian sure but damn this was taking forever.

 

//

 

Clarke’s mind wonders to the reality of their date as she pulls clothes on. The golf courses are not open for a few more weeks. Lexa was taking her put-putting as a joke, she was sure of it. It would still be fun though. It wouldn’t take as long as a normal golf round and much better then playing in the sure to be raining cool early spring air so common to this place. 

God though the sight of the brunette actually all sweaty and in the middle of her little work out wasn’t even fair. She had to be doing it on purpose. Chalke had just finished and calmed down from their morning make out session but _holy shit Lexa is so hot its not even fair._ And the way she turned around to see Clarke watching as she had her shirt lifted up to wipe the sweat from her face without knowing Clarke was looking, allowing her t-shirt and abs to peak out from beneath her shirt, the tattoo on her back showing itself just enough - and she had _that V_ Clarke found so god damn sexy.

She almost couldn’t speak when she saw Lexa put her shirt down quickly realizing she had an audience and rub the back of her neck again with more of a smile peeking through a not as shy smile. Green eyes shining in the still light shining through the window in streams. Clarke tosses Lexa her dress from the night before for a relief and a distraction from the lack of words falling off her tongue.

“Finally ready?” The brunette winks at the blushing blonde and Clarke’s stomach is flipping out of it’s mind.

“What kind of golfing we talking about, Lexa? Most the courses around here are closed - however mini golf is open year round.” She winks back noticing the flash of a pout on the other woman’s face that she figured out the joke. “Can’t get one over on me that easily.” 

She laughs and shakes her head as Lexa moves to swipe her keys off Clarke’s kitchen counter and holds the door open for her. “After you, slow poke.” _Oh if only you knew who knew how quick I was…_

Clarke lets her head fall back into the headrest and close her still slightly tired eyes on the way to Lexa’s apartment. She really should probably sleep more.. Lexa and everyone else was right. It was really starting to catch up to her. _Rest is for the weary — you are weary, dumb ass._ She only partially notices Lexa bobbing her head along to the music playing softly over the speakers. Their hands joined again over the center console, Clarke didn’t remember that happening but she really loved it. The little ways Lexa was starting to show her affections were sealing Clarke’s heart. The hand holding in the car, the little kisses around the apartment, cuddling over their coffee breaks. 

Like a mummy she walks into Lexa’s apartment and all but plops down into the old couch she was on a few weekends ago. That time with Lexa drunk and hungover felt like yesterday but it also felt like forever ago. Clarke didn’t realize she had fallen asleep until Lexa was chuckling at her from the doorway of her room. 

God she was beautiful. Clarke might think that was the only thing she thought any more but.. Damn. Dark skinny jeans hugged tight to her muscular legs and were rolled once at the bottom to expose her bony yet strong ankles as she rocked the Sperries’ with no socks. Her baseball style shirt with dark green sleeves pushed up to her elbows exposing her strong forearms hung loosely off her with a comfortable ease about it. 

“So you ready to go or you just going to stare at me all day?” She leans her weight into the frame and crosses her arms as an easy smile works its way into her entire body language. She glances down at her watch briefly before her eyes brighter than usual find Clarke’s again. _She’s wearing mascara, holy shit, her eyelashes._

Clarke gets up slowly from the couch pushing off the soft cushions with her hands before she walks a few slow steps to stand in front of the brunette. “Either sounds good. You're kinda hot.” Clarke doesn’t care if kissing will get her hot and bothered again Lexa is just too beautiful for her own good. She leans forward only to have her lips met with Lexa’s. 

Leaning back she grabs a dumbfounded Lexa’s hand and jokingly pulls her toward the door. Her cheeks are turning red and her words have gotten lost somewhere between her brain and her tongue, perhaps stolen by Clarke’s own. The blonde loves how she acts all confident one minute but as soon as she’s called on it she gets bashful. 

“You ready to lose?” Lexa quips sliding into the driver's seat after shutting Clarke’s door for her and finding her ability to speak again. 

“Fat chance. You don’t know who you’re up against.” She easily takes the brunette’s hand as they pull into the street. She really doesn’t though, Clarke won the National Championship when she was at Duke. Besides medicine golf was kind of her thing.

A few minutes into the car ride the song changes on Lexa’s phone and she drops Clarke’s hand to turn up the volume. It’s a song Clarke only kind of recognizes, it’s old but it’s a good one. She looks over at the girl beside her boring her head up and down to the beat and starting to dance around as much as she could while keeping a hand on the steering wheel. Her smile is bright against her tan skin and Clarke isn’t sure if she has seen that big of a smile from the girl yet.

 

_I ain’t got no car and I got one pair of jeans_

_they been stretched too far and now their week at the seams_

_I can’t say what’s nextand I got nothing up my sleeve_

_but I won’t lose my head cause it ain’t really up to me_

 

Lexa’s head is bobbing and she’s singing into her hand as a microphone lost in her own little world before her eyes turn to Clarke and if it was possible Clarke would have sworn the grin got even bigger. Lexa’s smile is beautiful. Shining white teeth, sharp looking canines, her tongue peeking out slightly between her front teeth with her lips pulled back and her cheeks riding high on her face. 

 

_and I’m doing just fine I’m always landing on my feet_

_In the knick of time and by the skin of my teeth_

_I ain’t gonna stress cause the worst ain’t happened yet_

_someone’s watching over me like sweet serendipity_

 

Her attention shifts back to the road as she dances, sometimes looking at Clarke and touching her chin as she sings to her but mostly just lost in the bliss of the moment and singing her favorite song with out a care in the damn world. She belts out the words only slightly on key but all the same her voice sounds great to Clarke. The blonde can’t help but wonder if this was what she was like all the time when she was younger with less experience and less responsibility. 

 

_I don’t ask for a lot - no nothing more then I need_

_because I love what I got - don't need to play the lottery_

_I just want to be strong at the end of the road_

_I don’t want to hold on - I want the strength to let go_

 

She rocks the last note as she is smiling again at the blonde, green eyes shining with a joy Clarke has had yet to see. If it was possible she thinks she would have melted right through her chair and been a puddle of mush somewhere in the middle of the road. _Oh god what this woman did to her._

 

_and I’m doing just fine - I’m always landing on my feet_

_in the knick of time and but the skin of my teeth_

_I ain’t gonna stress cause the worst ain’t happened yet_

_someone’s watching over me like sweet serendipity_

_what will be will be will be_

_in the knick of time by the skin of my teeth_

_I ain’t gonna stress cause the worst ain’t happened yet_

_someone’s watching over me like sweet serendipity_

 

Just when Clarke thinks this couldn’t get any cuter Oklahoma Texas line comes on and Lexa winks at her as she sings the chorus, taking her hand in hers and singing into Clarke's knuckles as if they were the world’s coolest microphone. 

 

_She moves a little closer - she puts her hand in mine_

_Oh what I wouldn’t give just to stop the hands of time_

_She’s got long blonde hair- and big blue eyes_

_I got all I ever need when that girl is by my side_

_everything_ _I love is there inside_

_a little brick house on the Oklahoma Texas Line_

 

The rest of the ride is filled with Lexa’s off tune jam session to the most random song compilation ever put together into a playlist. Clarke doesn’t mind at all, each song only allows the usually at least semi-serious woman next to her to relax more and become goofier as she sways to a reggae song, and sings a Britney song along with Clarke, whose own voice seems to take Lexa’s away for a moment. Clarke could sing, she knew it but Lexa’s reaction was too much. Her words got lost in her mouth again for a moment before the smile returned and so did the music coming from the brunette’s soul. 

“Good thing you put on a seatbelt driving like that.” Clarke leans across the center of the car as she unclipped her seatbelt. Lexa had just parked in the mini golf parking lot. 

“Psh, I don’t know what you’re talking about - I wasn’t distracted at all.” 

“Whatever you say, babe.” The two slide out of the car. Lexa hip checks the blonde as she catches up just as they climb the stairs to the front of the place. Without fail Lexa opens the door for her, her free hand reaching up to run through her long waves brushing them back from her face. “Ready to get your ass kicked?” 

“Oh, we’ll see about that. You’re taking to the putt-putt champion of the world over here.” She flexes her bicep and kisses it with another wink. Her grin still so large it threatens to split her cheeks. 

“I’m not so sure muscles have anything to do with golf.” Lexa pays and grabs them their putters as Clarke grabs a pink ball but not without a raised eyebrow from her girlfriend - _shit… yeah, Lexa was her girlfriend._

_“_ You’re right. Have you seen a golfer? No athletic ability at all. It’s a shame.” She sticks out her bottom lip and shakes her head daring Clarke to retaliate, knowing that at least in some capacity the blonde had played in college. “Might as well be a NARP.” 

“A NARP, huh?” Clarke bends over making sure Lexa gets a good view of one of her best ass-ets. She grins to herself at the play on words and the silence that has fallen over brunette who hasn’t seemed to shut up all morning unless she was caught in looking at Clarke. She lines up the put, just she has done a million times, “Could a NARP do this?” she takes the shot and watches in disbelief as the ball rolls around the rim and right out of the hole in one she was sure she could have. 

The brunette blows a red bubble and sucks it in sharply with a pop. “Yeah, prolly.” Lexa is nearly falling on the ground as she takes hers out and hits it so that somehow it goes perfectly into the hole. The rest of the course goes more of the same, Clarke gets frustrated and Lexa’s shit talking only gets worse and more annoying but only cuter at the same time. Clarke is torn between getting mad and thinking she is the most precious thing on the planet. “I thought you played golf.” 

“How..” Clarke was in awe that she got beat so badly as Lexa did the tiger woods fist pump and acted as she was egging on a crowed as she sunk the last put perfectly. 

“I was once told never to reveal my secrets..” 

“That’s for magicians you dumb ass.” 

“Aw, babe, I know I played a good game but for you to call it magical..” she puts her hands over her heart taking a break from strumming her putter like a guitar. “I’m touched.” 

Clarke shovers the girl in the firm shoulder throwing her slightly off balance as she laughs - it’s the most hearty laugh to pass her lips yet. She starts to walk off a little sore from losing to a basketball player at putt-putt, more specifically this competitive as shit woman was rubbing it in, not that it wasn’t one of the most attractive things on the planet.  Warm arms wrap around Clarke’s torso and lift he r from the turf of the 18th hole. “Where you going, huh?” The brunette twirls her around and the sweet scent of her perfume fills Clarke’s nose as her breath tickles the side of her neck. “I didn’t get my victory kiss.” 

Clarke turns to face the puckering brunette with her eyes closed already as she messes with the blonde. She gives in and puts one on her cheek, half disappointing Lexa who just wraps her arm around Clarke's shoulders taking the putter from her as they walk toward the exit. “What’s next, dork?” 

“I was thinking we would head to the mall and you could help me get something for Anya for her birthday coming up and we could grab a bite to eat because I’m starving.” As if to prove her point Lexa’s stomach lets out a grumble which only results in a deep laugh from the brunette as her smile remains stretching her cheeks. “Are you good with that?” 

The brunette pushes the door open as the two approach it and Clarke seizes the opportunity to take Lexa’s cold and slightly clammy hand in hers. She hadn’t really thought about it but Lexa always wiped her hand off on her pants or shirt before she took Clarke’s. A smirk creeps its way onto the blonde’s face as she thinks about the girl nervous to take her hand, Lexa would die if she ever said anything about it. 

“Sounds great. One request though..”

“Let me guess, Coffee.”

“You know me so well.” 

“Yeah, I’m starting too.” Out of the corner of her eye the girls cheeks pinken as they cross the street and make their way through the parking lot. Clarke has to admit it is kinda cold out but Lexa stops by the car quickly for a moment reaching into the back seat. Bending down makes the dark wash jeans hug tight to her ass, a long rectangle obstructing the view a little where she had her phone slid into her back pocket, as her upper half disappears into the car.

Clarke just assumed that she was grabbing something to take into the mall when she pulls out a windbreaker and holds it out for Clarke who just locks into those soft green eyes in a suppressed sort of awe. “Told you, I know you. It may be a little big, it’s big on me, but it’s free and warm.” Lexa’s shoulders momentarily press up toward her ears before relaxing, her shirt pulls up nearly exposing that V Clarke got such a good glimpse of earlier. She extends her arm with a flexed elbow, veins round below her tan skin.

“Oh, I’m not-“

At the mere idea of her protesting Lexa laughs softly as she shakes her head slowly. “You have goosebumps and your teeth were chattering. Put on the jacket, Clarke.” 

“Thank you.” Lexa tilts her head forward in a silent ‘of course’ She slides her arms through the sleeves and pulls the zipper up as they start walking again. The collar hugs her neck instantly renewing some of the warmth her body had lost. Her hands involuntarily find the soft edges of the tall collar and pulls side of it up in front of her face enjoying the brush of the soft fuzzy cloth below her nose as her nostrils fill with the sweet scent of Lexa’s perfume. 

Next time Clarke glances at the woman walking next to her she is still smiling but it has shifted from energetic joy that crinkles her forehead and the bridge of her nose and the corners of her eyes to a softer, less crinkly, grin of contentment. She knows it’s impossible but Clarke think she might have warmed up from the inside out, starting in her chest and spreading to the ends of her fingers. She reaches out  and snakes those now warm fingers through Lexa’s own, the brunettes hand is so soft but just on the pads of her hands is slimly firm and a little rough where calluses toughen her skin.

Walking into the mall provides another surge of warmth to Clarke’s bones. It’s not particularly cold out but Clarke’s noticed she gets cold much quicker now a days, especially in the hospital. She really should sleep more, make her immune system and stuff better. “So, what are we looking for?” 

“Well, I don’t know what I’m going to get her. I thought you could maybe help me but our trip today starts at game stop.”

“Game stop?”

“Yeah, it’s her first birthday without Gus. He always got her a video game or a movie, like one of those weird ones no one's heard about, and some flowers. She loved it, competitive as all get out and video games are a good method to relax. It was always her and Gus’s thing. I promised him I’d take care of her for him. Not that she needs it but we are all family and she misses him. They were perfect for each other.” 

“I get that, Bell, my friend, lost his wife a little over a year and a half ago. Gina made him so happy.” Clarke shakes her head in careful pondering of her dear friend and how much he was hurting after he lost his true person. Lexa sigs in quiet agreance next to her as they pass the pretzel vendor. “What game?”

“Not sure she really enjoys racing and stuff. There’s one out similar to Mario cart with the sonic guys.” Lexa walks toward Aunt Anne’s “Pretzels ok?”

The woman at a the counter waits on their orders as Clarke gets caught a moment in Lexa’s eyes shining so true in the odd lighting of the mall. They are so deep, like the color of a Christmas tree, brought out by the forest green collar and sleeves of her shirt with the grey front and the Minnesota wild written in green across it. This woman loves her sports that’s for sure. 

“I’ll have the cinnamon pretzel bites please.” 

“And you ma’am?”

“What she’s having. Thank you.” A few short minutes later and Lexa is tossing a cinnamon sugar coated pretzel into her mouth as Clarke takes a bite of hers they walk through the mall sharing gentle bumps and laughs. Grabbing the game is easy, she picks it and they talk around some more. 

Lexa scarfs her pretzel bites first which laves the sweat girl licking her fingers just before she steels one of Clarke’s remaining pretzels. As she reaches for another one Clarke holds the little cup of goodness at arms length forcing the brunette to reach for them. Clarke’s body is being wrapped by Lexa’s arms from behind in a goofy match of give me your food when Lexa freezes and drops her arms giving up on the pretzels a little too easily just outside the build-a-bear. 

“My god… he looks just like him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NARP - non athletic regular person, how some college athletes refer to their non athletic classmates. not meant to be offensive
> 
> songs: Sweet Serendipity   
>  Oklahoma Texas Line by Rascal Flatts


	13. Little Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa sees someone close to her heart after a long time. Memories come rushing back. Lexa is trying to decide when to tell Clarke some news,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!! Here's the next one. Hope you like it. I am going to try more flashback type stuff if it's well received. Clarke Lexa cuteness to come in the next couple of chapters. Maybe more of Clarke's back story as well. Let me know what you think!!! The more reviews the quicker the next one comes out ;) I know I'm needy with the feed back but help a girl out, I really enjoy them. 
> 
> I'm clear of the pneumonia and the foot is on the mend! Thanks for the good vibes. 
> 
> FEED THE BEAST 
> 
> As always, ya'll are awesome. ENJOY!

The little boy about 7 years old looks up at his mom smiling cheekily under his shaggy blonde hair and Lexa’s heart almost stops. The slender woman runs her hand on the back of his head as she smiles back down. _Good. They are happy. He wanted that._

 

*

 

Lexa removes herself from the party going on inside to the cool fall air and clear stars of the November night sky. The air is refreshing from the warmth of the dancing bodies just inside the door. Little puffs of breath remind her that winter is coming but she will soon be in a much warmer place. It’s calm out here compared to that of the nearly stuffing atmosphere of the shenanigans going on inside. 

She leans her elbows and torso on the raining of the cool stone railing holding her on the balcony. Every year she came out her to escape the party. When she was younger her father would join her for a moment but without him the tradition has continued and without fail someone joins her. The noise of the party inside muffled by the closed door leaps to life a moment as someone slides out. She doesn’t bother look though, the view is too pretty and she will figure out who it is soon enough. They aren’t a threat. 

“Happy Birthday LT.” Tuck rests his arms on the railing next to Lexa and leans into her a moment. She turns her head to see smiling green eyes with this ridiculous blonde hair cut into a skin fade - higher and tighter - he always brags running his hand over his head. 

“It’s your birthday, Tuck. I just come along for the cake.” She chuckles shaking her head. _Damn Jarheads._ Yeah, but Tuck was her jarhead. They had done so many missions together he was basically her partner. She really like this new joint effort they were doing. Lexa always loved the Marines. 

“Thank you for making sure I was here to see it.” 

“You know you don’t need to thank me. You’ve saved my ass plenty.”

“I know. The wife made me promise I’d thank you…even though you’re Army.” The man winks and nudges her again, his arms firm below his black uniform. “Never understood why you didn’t go MARSOC. You fit better with us.” 

“Hows is the wife doing? Didn’t see her tonight.” Lexa glances to Anya inside dancing with Gus and catches a smile cracking her lips. 

He drops his head for a moment as he chuckles “14 weeks pregnant.” The man is beaming, white shining teeth, big ass dimples, shining eyes and all. 

Lexa grips his shoulder with a beer in her other hand “Congrats Tuck, let’s hope the little one gets Carol’s brains, huh?” 

“Yeah yeah, idiot Marine jokes, I’ve heard them all before.” He playfully laughs back at the joke. The inter service rivalry is intense but usually it's in good fun. Especially for Lexa who got it more than most, being raised by mostly Navy and Marine Corps guys. It takes a village… 

“I’m happy for you.” The brunette holds her beer towards him as they clink the two bottles together easily over the side of the railing.

“I didn’t know how to ask but… we want you to be the godmother.”

“I’d be honored. Are you going to find out what it is?” Lexa offers a large smile to the man she had grown to know over the last couple of years. They had met when she was doing some training over the summer with the Naval Academy and they became immediate friends: bonding over kneeling in the mud, rifles slung over their shoulder listening to some Gunny talk while they tried to catch their breath. _“Tired Squid?” - “Not a chance. It’s Tuck by the way.”_ _He had offered with a toothy grin brightening a war-painted face that only brought on more yelling for breaking his bearing. It was worth it._

He would make an amazing father. 

“Na, I like surprises.” _Yeah, you dumb ass, I guess you do._

 

_*_

 

“Lexa? You ok?” The blonde turns to face the brunette who glances down at her. “Who is it?” 

“What? No, it’s my godson. He looks just like Tuck.” 

 

*

 

“G, get your ass in here!” Tuck calls from the other other room sitting in front of their computer. Turning from the computer and beaming up at his dear friend as she looks over his shoulder. “Carol, had a boy!” A woman with her blonde hair plastered to her forehead with sweat laying in a hospital bed with a little bundle in her arms. She holds the baby, hardly visible, except for his face toward the camera for the two to see.

“Meet Aiden Tucker Kean” her southern accent pulls through, Lexa always thought Tuck fell in love with her accent first. He loved it and Lexa loved to tease him about it. 

A ground shaking explosion makes the computer rattle on the desk and the two watching the sleeping baby on the screen gripping something for support Tucker grumbles under his breath “damn it”.

“What was that?” Her eyes go wide as she pulls the sleeping child back into her hospital gown covered body.

Glancing up at Lexa he catches her eyes - _that’s not good - no shit Tuck, we gotta go._ “Oh nothing baby, Tommy just fell out of his rack again.”

The young LT calls from the other side of the room, “I heard that you fuck” only giving the blonde man a shit eating grin that seemed so natural on him. The guy loved to tease people. He always joked about the most inappropriate shit, if civilians heard half the stuff they said out here… oh boy. He tended to run his mouth on the motto “What doesn’t kill you gives you a really dark sense of humor and unhealthy coping mechanisms” and Lexa thought that was one of the truest things she had heard about the military. You see, there were two types of fun. Type 1 fun was stuff that was actually fun. Type 2 fun was stuff that sucked really bad but was funny after the fact because "holy shit I can't believe we did that/got through that." But honestly there was a third type no one really talked about.. shit that sucked so bad in the moment all you could really do was laugh. Her and Tuck had seen more of that shit then most. The funniest part about the different kinds of fun though, was that just about everything she could think of fit into one of those categories. 

A click stills the air as the CO comes over the 1MC “Task Force prepare to engage.” 

With the announcement his shoulders slouch a little bit as he smiles and kisses his hand before pressing it to the screen. Lexa’s hand still on his shoulder squeezes a second reminding him that they really have to get going. “I gotta go baby.”

“You two stay safe—Lexa, keep him out of trouble for me.” 

“Yes, mamma.”

“I’ll do my best.”

The computer clicks off and they are moving to grab their gear from their racks “G!” Tuck, already in his vest, hands Lexa hers as she grabs their helmets and rifles from the wall. Walking as they trade gear and slide into the heavy green material as they head to the wardroom for a quick rundown of assignments. Lexa tosses his rifle to him as they turn the corner— _here we go_. 

 

*

“You have a godson?” The girl glances up at her pretty surprised. She hadn’t taken Lexa for the religious type. Not that there was anything wrong with that. She just guessed she had more to talk to the brunette about then she had thought. 

Lexa was still watching the little boy move from the stuffing station to where they washed it off with air, Mom hanging back to let little Aiden do his thing. The slender woman turned and caught Lexa’s eye doing almost a double take. She hadn’t heard that her husband’s friend was out here. They hadn’t heard much from her since she had woken up. Tuck was worried about her but there was only so much he could do from deployment. He had taken extra tours with things picking up over there - “Baby. I love you both, but someone’s got to do it.” Her son really missed both his dad and his best buddy X-a.

“Yeah, that little blondie over there. Haven't seen him since before my last deployment.” Guilt rushes her gut as she knows Tuck is still over there and she is her spending time with her girlfriend when he could be spending time over here with his family. She could have been there for Aiden with his dad gone too, God knows Tuck always looked out for her. 

 

*

 

Lexa is so glad to be getting out of this hell hole, another mission down, more suck embraced, the third big one in two weeks. She is really looking forward to her leave coming up for the first time in hercareer. Anya talked her into taking it for once. This pace was wearing on her. She was so tired she couldn’t sleep, her body was sore as shit. It would be nice to heal up and take some time for herself for a little while. She needed to refocus, Tuck even agreed. 

She is only dreading getting on the ship that was picking them up. Lexa experienced her first hatred of the sea when she was on a cruise with a MEU over one of her summers at West Point. She had gotten so sea sick in their brief time at sea, but she loved diving. The brunette focuses on the deep rhythmic nature of the long breaths through the salty rubber peace in her mouth. Diving was awesome, she just hated these damn boats. 

Reaching their coordinates she makes eye contact with Tuck beside her as he gives her a thumbs up. Time to surface.. f _uck me_. The bottom of the boat grows bigger as they climb, the moonlight growing slightly brighter as the sun starts to rise over the horizon. When her head breaks the surface she feels the push and pull of the waves on her body resume. It always fascinated Lexa that under the water the surge felt more like a breeze then actually moving you. 

They swim up to the Ladder in science both exhausted from their time ashore. Lexa hands her rifle up the ladder to the petty officer before tossing her mask up, the air feeling good on her face. She slides out of the fins and tosses them to the deck as well as she climbs up before Tuck. The back pulling heavy on her back as she emerges from the water climbing higher on the ladder, it would be so easy just to side back into the sea now rocking the boat to way more then Lexa’s liking. She loved the water. Lexa just hated these boats.

Once fully out of the water a petty officer helped her out of the UBA pulling it off her back and putting it away as Tuck climbs up behind her. She offers thanks to the sailor helping her as she stumbles to her right and grabs the bars sticking from the overhead to steady herself, wishing it would steady her stomach before pulling off the top of her wetsuit: ripped at her hip where she had gotten a little too close to needing more stitches from the corpsman. 

She peels the warm suit from her arms and folds it to hang at her waist exposing her torso to the cool morning air, her bruised abs and ribs exposed or poking out from under her black sports bra. Her dog tags hand low on her sternum, free from the zipper scar that would be there in a little over a year. Her father’s charm hanging on the chain as well ironically near her heart. She never took it off, not since she got it from him in 7th grade.

Lexa backs up into the bench built into the side of the boat and takes a seat on the cool metal, hands on her knees fighting the churning of her stomach as voices carry on muffled in the background. _Almost home—Not home. Back. Almost back. Do you even have a home anymore?_

“G” She snathes the wadded up towel slightly blown in the wind, out of the air from a now smiling Tuck. She pulls the hair-tie from her hair and lets the long brown locks from the tight bun before running the towel over it and wringing the sea from her hair. She quickly wipes her arms down and drapes the damp cloth over the back of her neck. Goose bumps present on her skin as she shivers a little before the sun finds her, instantly warming the cold flesh as she lets out a little sigh. 

“When are you going to stop calling me that?”

“Once a grunt, always a grunt.” 

“You are so annoying. Sometimes I just want to..” She holds up her hands in the air in the general direction of his neck and pretends to choke him. 

The man lets out a deep laugh and shakes his head. “Yeah, yeah, relax there killer.” He shakes the water from his hair as he leans forward into his arms above his head gripping the overhead. “I got a baby boy and a smoking hot wife to get home to.” His pruned foot taps her knee in a playful kick. “And you got some civilian girls looking for a hot piece of ass in a uniform.”

She grabs the damp cloth of her towel in her hand and whips it at his ribcage connection with a thud as it falls to the deck. It’s wetter now but it was worth hitting the man. He was annoying as shit sometimes. “Keep that shit up and I’ll…” _actually kill you._ Her threat gets cut off by the bitter chili MRE that was chilling in her stomach from the night before makes its reappearance over the edge of the boat. Fish food, they like to call it, and Lexa contributed a lot. 

Tuck is laughing so hard at her he is clutching at his sides while he balances himself on the rocking ship with ease. This guy was born for the Navy/Marine Corps, he loved being on the ships, not as much as land stuff but he still liked it. 

Lexa fills her mouth with saliva and rinses the bitter taste by spitting into the ocean, just like Gus taught her when she was a kid. Her dad was so proud but also mad… that wasn't very normal for a 10 year old girl to hatch a loogie like a ball player or run around doing god knows what with the twins. Her really missed his wife at times like that. He felt like he was doing Lexa some disservice, but he just couldn't bring himself to date again. There was a female Ssgt the was around that Lexa clung too but she wasn’t your typical female either. He was fine with it, Lexa was different, but sometimes he wondered if she wanted to be like the other girls her age. 

She spits again overboard after throwing up in her mouth a little bit. “You pregnant? Morning sickness?” She shoots daggers at him with her green eyes as he still leans easily into his arms above his head holding on to the overhead. “No? Ahh.. I always knew there was a reason you didn’t go into a real service, can’t stomach it.” 

“Haze yourself.” Tuck just shakes his head and a deep laugh shakes his shoulders, he always enjoyed getting a rise out of Lexa. Not that it was much of a rise, she was weirdly level headed, even for an officer, but she did get irritated and he loved it. His wetsuit folds at his waist like lexis reveals his very chiseled chest and torso, his towel draped over his neck as well hangs easily from his strong shoulders. He was really attractive for a guy, sandy hair, brown eyes, dimples and consistently rosy cheeks. 

“Don’t get grumpy on me now, G. We are almost home.” 

 

*

 

Clarke nudges the woman beside her with he shoulder, “Lexa.” The woman looked happy to see her and she was now crouching down and speaking with the shaggy haired boy who looked entirely too adorable as he looked up at her with wide eyes and a growing smile before he snapped his head in their direction. Lexa hadn’t caught it though, she was facing Clarke. “What’s wrong? The father, is he..?” 

“No, he’s not.” The blonde saw sadness in her eyes where she expected to see joy that had been there all morning. “He’s over there right now.. and I’m..”

“Not.” That seems to snap her from where ever her mind kept taking her, God Clarke hoped it wasn’t any place too bad. She runs her hand smoothly over Lexa’s firm forearm for a moment as the brunette dipped her head forward - _yeah, I’m not -_ “It’s ok.” She could practically see Lexa beating herself up—kicking herself in the gut, doing her worst—it was deep in her eyes though and slightly in the slouch of her shoulders but mostly Clarke could tell by her slipping back behind her mask. She always retreated there instead of showing her emotions right out. 

Clarke hated that she couldn’t figure out how to make her feel better about this. Maybe she would talk to Dr. Washington. “X-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” Asmall voice gets their attention as she turns back around to a little boy sprinting as fast as his little legs would carry him to his friend. His blonde hair was bouncing on his head, cheeks growing red. 

Clarke watches as Lexa begins to smile again, stepping a few short paces towards the boy as she catches him with extended arms meeting his own little extended hands. She just about catches him and lifts him up in a smooth motion, arms giving slightly under his weight. Clarke’s second thought to how cute it is to see her with a child is taken straight to Lexa's back. 

Lexa spins him around a second before setting him down. “Hows my little man doing?” He stands, smile splitting his cheeks, as he waits in front of the woman. She slowly kneels down in front of him, hand on her knee to support her lower body still screaming at her from this week's workouts. She has news for Clarke but can’t figure out how to tell her. It’s great news for her, but she knows it’ll be tough for the blonde. Lexa is a little worried it will end them. 

Once down to her knee the brunette leans forward even more to eye level with the little guy. Bringing her hand out slowly in front of her he taps his fist to her palm then she does the same before hitting the tops and bottoms of each other’s fists, ending in a real fist tap. 

Lexa reaches out to ruffle his hair but he takes a quick step back and straightens up his back. He brings his right hand to his eyebrow, straight as can be he his shining brown eyes look into hers. A lump slides down Lexa’s throat as she quickly stands up at attention to return the salute, seriously as the boy, then resumes ruffling his hair over his hard starting to drop after a moment. 

“X-a. Stop it.” He backs up again and this time finds Clarke as the mother walks up. “Who is that?” 

The green eyes trained on the little bundle of joy in front of them not meet Clarkes with a smile. “Aiden, this is Clarke. Clarke, this is my best bud Aiden.” 

Before Clarke realizes it a little hand is stuck out in her direction. “Hi, Ms. Clarke. I’m Aiden.” 

The blonde takes the hand and returns the firm-ish grip on the boys very warm hand. Children were always so warm, Clarke loved that about them. So warm, so playful. She really couldn’t wait to be a mom. “Nice to meet you, Aiden.” 

He starts talking again but Clarke’s attention is drawn to the conversation going on beside her between Lexa and the boys - Aiden’s - mother. “How are you? You’re looking good, Lexa.” The also blonde woman releases her from a hug and Clarke’s gut churns with jealousy. 

“I’m doing well. Thanks, I’m not there yet but soon.” She flexes jokingly. “Can’t have Tuck thinking I’ve gotten soft.” The Woman just shakes her head and laughs at her husband’s best friend for years. It’s been too long. “How are you guys? How’s Tuck?” 

“We’re good. Aiden misses him. You know how it goes.” Lexa returns a nod shifting her weight. “He was just asking about you, if I’d heard anything. He misses you out there. Last time you guys talked….” 

“I know. I know.” 

Clarke’s attention is pulled back to boy in front of her with his head cocked curiously to the side “Are you X-a’s special friend? You look at her like daddy looks at mommy.” 

Lexa’s face turns bright red, eyelids pulling back as her eyes go wide. She glances back and forth between the two blondes in front of her, both smiling, one laughing. Clarke bends over and whispers something in the child’s ear that earns a nod and a big smile. 

Carol, the wife, is laughing too at Lexa’s reaction. “Tuck would have a field day with this.” 

“Better tell him then” Clarke stands from where she had bent down and shakes the woman’s hand. “I’m Clarke. It’s nice to meet you.” Lexa replaces Clarke down talking with Aiden. 

“Carol. You as well.” She glances to the woman talking with her son about god only knows and turns her attention back to Clarke. Carol just hopes it isn’t some trick her and Anya used to pull when they were kids. She had heard enough of those stories, Tucks weren’t any better. “How long have you two been seeing each other?” 

“A couple of months now. She’s amazing.” 

“How’s she really doing?"

“It’s hard for her but she’s trying. Some days are better then others. She misses it.” 

“They always do.” She nods with a little sadness setting into her shoulders. “Tuck drives himself crazy. The hyper vigilance. The guilt. It can be tough.” She crosses her arms as they turn to see the two talking in a seemingly very serious conversation. Lexa talking just as much as Aiden who's hands are waiving all over as he tries to make a point. Something twinges deep in Clarke _and she’s great with kids._ “How are you doing? It can be a lot.” 

“Oh, I’m ok. She’s worth it. We haven’t talked much about it. She puts on this brave face.” 

“No surprise there. Well if you ever need to talk, or advice, just let me know.” She puts her number into Clarke’s phone. “Not that you can’t handle it, but its just hard sometimes. People love someone in uniform until they come home and can’t quite take it off.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” 

“I hope not. She looks happy.” There is a little munchkin pulling at Carol’s pant leg as Clarke notices Lexa stand from where he left her. Clarke almost rushes over to help but she didn’t know how well that would go over. She stands slow, her back pulling and her knee and hip nearly locking up from where she was knelt. Carol bends down to lend Aiden a ear and nods to the little boy.

Lexa just joins them as the secret conversation between mother and son finishes up, Lexa wrapping her arm around Clarke’s shoulders. The warmth of her body against Clarke is very welcomed. “X-a” 

“What’s up little man?” 

“Would you and Ms. Clarke like to come to my birthday party?” 

“Are you kidding?! I’d love too!” She’s beaming at the little bundle of energy. “I can’t be missing my favorite God son’s 8th birthday now can I?” Carol mouths that she will text her later with the details to which Lexa only nods slightly. 

“What about Ms. Clarke?” He meets her blue eyes with his spread so wide in hopeful anticipation. How could Carol ever say no to those cute little cheeks. 

“You bet. As long as I don’t have anything at the hospital, I’ll be there.” 

The little boy turns back to his mother as they walk back in to where the lady was holding the bear Clarke notices is dressed in camo at the counter. “Don’t be such a stranger Lexa. I’ll talk to you soon.” Lexa nods as they head back toward the rest of the mall to find something for the “sister” Clarke is dying to meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> USMC Birthday- large celebration of the Marine Corps Birthday falls on 10 Nov. Large parties with lots of drinking are very common and a cake cutting ceremony is unique to the Corps. 
> 
> skin fade - popular haircut for Marines. Grooming standards are incredibly important to this bunch. Basically a high and tight, sometimes jokingly called a higher and tighter. 
> 
> LT - pronounced L T. Or the wording for First/Second Lieutenant which are Junior Officers in the USMC, USAF, and US Army. The Navy equivalent is Ensign or LTJG (lieutenant junior grade). This is an o-1, o-2 pay grade. 
> 
> MARSOC - Marine Corps Special Operations Command. Pronounced mar-sock. 
> 
> Squid - nickname for Navy people from the other forces, also used for Naval Academy Midshipman even though some go USMC. 
> 
> gunny - nickname for a Gunnery Sergeant. The step above a Staff Sergeant. E-7 in the Marine Corps. Equivalent to a Sergeant First Class in the Army and a Chief in the Navy. 
> 
> bearing - short for military bearing. Basically that stone cold killer look or stoic look Lexa is so famous for. think emotionless 
> 
> Rack - bed
> 
> Overhead - sealing of boat
> 
> deck - floor of boat
> 
> bulkhead - wall of boat
> 
> CO - Commanding Officer. Pronounced as C O 
> 
> XO - executive officer. pronounced X O 
> 
> 1MC - Navy code for intercom. Pronounced One M C 
> 
> wardroom - room for officers to talk or hang out in, for pilots this is called the ready room. 
> 
> MEU - Marine Expeditionary Unit. Pronounced mew
> 
> UBA - underwater breathing apparatus pronounced U B A 
> 
> Corpsman - most decorated rate (job) in the entire history of the military. Some of the bravest men and women out there. Navy Medics. Also pared with Marines. Everyone loves these guys. They are the best at what they do. No offence to the Army Medics but these guys are something special. 
> 
> Grunt - nickname for Army people from other services with Lexa's job. Lexa isn't really a grunt but it's just tuck being stupid. She is more of an operator (as in special operator or person in special forces), this is also used for Marines in the infantry mostly and those direct combat roles like altiliary. used for those who are doing the "grunt" work or the ground/door kicker stuff. 
> 
> Ssgt - Staff Sergeant, USMC. A fairly high ranking enlisted member of the Corps. E-6 out of 9. Equivalent to a Staff Sergeant in the Army or a Petty Officer First Class in the Navy. 
> 
> Haze yourself - term used to tell someone to fuck off. 
> 
> embrace the suck - kinda self explanatory but just about everything is the suck ranging from shitty food to actually really shitty situations 
> 
> If I missed anything just shoot me a comment and I'll add it on here.


	14. Long Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a visit from a friend before a big surgery at the end of her 48 hour shift. Lexa tries to deal..kinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends!!! enjoy the new update. Love this chapter, thanks Meg for the advice on the first part! 
> 
> Keep commenting and recommend to your friends :) ... but really tho comments (I'm shameless I know)

Clarke thinks about their weekend together all through the week.  Jackson has been giving her so much shit for it. She has kinda ditched him to hang out with Lexa when ever she gets time off but who can blame her. _The woman is perfect. I mean has he looked at her?_ It doesn’t help that Lexa isn’t the most comfortable around him. Jackson has “foot-in-mouth” syndrome. He has it bad.

Clarke keeps spinning the fork on her plate in less than warm pasta. _Damn if the cafe could just keep a meal warm it wouldn’t be half bad._ The little noodle pieces keep coming unwrapped from the warm fork so she just keeps trying. Today sucks. Raven’s gone back to Boston, Octavia is over at Lincoln’s, Lexa’s been MIA all week. Clarke knows she isn’t a big texter and things are picking up at the base for whatever reason but she hates not talking to the brunette. She has never been so dependent on someone. If they had a good day or not. If she got to see them or not. Talk to them or not. Most days without much interaction with Lexa aren’t the best kind of days.

“Earth to Griffin.” Bell is here at least. For now. That’s a positive.

“What?” The blonde looks up from her plate rubbing her tired eyes with the hand not twirling the fork and stabbed hastily at the food on her plate. 

“You going to eat that or not? It sucks but I’m hungry and I have to go back to work soon.” The still shaggy haired man sits across the table from her. He was in town for “FBI things” and had come out to say hi before he went back home. His fork reaches across the table to her pile of uneaten food.  Jackson just let her do whatever. The guy didn’t have the balls to take her food. Bell however was a rather ballsy guy. “You ok?” is mumbled through a mouth full of _her_ spaghetti. Clarke shoots him her best _don’t touch my food_ glare as she is pulled from her thoughts “Relax you weren’t eating it anyway. What’s wrong Clarke?”

“Thinking.” The blonde across the table rubs her hand over her face. Her tired sunken eyes not really focused on anything in particular. Clarke got lost in her head a lot. She always did but this was as tired as Bellamy has ever seen her.

“That’s dangerous.” He gives her a dimpled grin with those soft eyes of his. Bell really was a good looking guy. She had almost gone there once but she had gone off to Med-School and he had met Gina at Quantico. The rest was kind of history. Clarke shudders at the thought of dating him-- _Gross, it’s Bellamy._ “You look tired.”

“Gee. Thanks. You look good too. ” He only sticks his tongue out at her as he takes another bite off her plate. “It’s been a long shift, ok?” It wasn’t the half of it and he knew it. He leans back in his chair, running his long fingers through his hair and his shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath. After two seconds of waiting on his friend to come back from whatever part of the Galaxy her mind had gone too he leans forward arms crossed on the cold table.

“Stop that. You’re driving me crazy.” His hand shoots across the table and stills the muscles smoothly moving on her forearm as her fingers continue to spin the fork in the noodles. “I thought your mom told you not to play with your food. Relax, ok? Drink your coffee.”

“It’s been a long week.”

“Only a week, and a shift?” An oddly perfectly sculpted eyebrow raises up in query. _Always_ s _uch a pretty boy._

“I just have a hard case and I haven’t talked to Lexa for a couple of days. I’ve been here and she’s been at the base. Not the other stuff. I don’t need that too.”

“What’s your case?”

“One of my first patients here, a cancer kid. She probably won’t make it. We are going in for surgery in a little bit. I’m takeing point. What if I screw it up Bell?”

The broad shouldered man leans back in his chair arms crossed across his chest. “That’s rough but I know she’s in good hands. Literally.” _Ha. Ha. So funny._ “Clarke you were meant to be a surgeon. It’s going to be ok. I know I’d want it to be you if it was my kid.”

He swallows a lump down his throat as he thinks about his wife - late wife. They were trying to get pregnant. He would have had a kid if it wasn’t for that psycho, he could have just gone with them. Why did he have to blow his house?

“That means a lot, thanks.”

“Any time Princess. Now about the girl.” He smiles. Clarke has this light in her eyes he hadn’t seen for a few years. Not since their friend Fin had died. She’d found love again but good kind of love, the real kind—not the puppy kind she realized she had with Fin. “When I get to meet her?

“I was thinking about having a dinner in a couple of weeks so she could meet everyone. You guys will love her. She has just been really busy this week so I haven’t seen her. Things are picking up for the base like I said.”

“Yeah, there were some attacks in Afghanistan earlier this week. It’s getting hairy over there again.” This really shouldn’t surprise Clarke, her girlfriend is in the Army after all. She should probably keep up with that stuff since that was what her life revolved around. God deployment would suck, no Lexa for months. “You seem… _frustrated_.”

“BELLAMY! Oh my god. No we -“

“Clarke come on I know you.”

“No I am not talking about my sex life with you. Octavia is bad enough.” Those damn Bellamy Blake eyes have a way of prying information out of her. No wonder he was such a good agent. However they probably didn’t work on hard criminals.  “Ok. We haven’t even talked about it yet. Its driving me crazy.”

“Talk to her then.” He shrugs slightly his heater green t-shirt hugging his arms and the tops of his shoulders.

“It’s not that—“ _easy._

“It is. You always make things so difficult. If you don’t talk to her soon you might explode.”

“Fine.”

“See. Bellamy knows best. I gotta go Princess. Let me know when you are going to have people over and I’ll try to get out here.” He kisses her forehead. People always teased him but he did it to Octavia too and the only thing that made her more of his sister than the blonde was their blood. “Good luck tonight. You’re going to kill it.”

“Not helping Bellamy.”

“Poor choice of words. My bad. But seriously--You’ve got this. I’ll text you when I get home.”

“See ya.” Perfect timing. Her beeper is buzzing at her hip. It’s go time. She mutters to herself as bellamy walks away, “Deep breath, Clarke. You’ve got this. You’ve been preparing you whole life.”

Dr. Washington meets her at the entrance to little Noelle’s room. He gives her a nod and a warm smile through his beard. “You’re ready. Let's do this, yeah?” She really did appreciate the giant of a man. He had warmed up to her since she and Lexa had started seeing each other. Not that she had met him outside of the hospital setting yet but she hopped it was soon. _Focus Clarke. You have more important things than your girlfriend's family at the moment._

Clarke steps across the threshold to the room where the sweet little thing was smiling eagerly at her. “Dr. Griffen, is it time to make the monster go away now?”

“You bet.” She smiles down at the pale child who should by no means look this pale, her dark curly hair sitting in a floppy mess on her head. Her dark brown eyes shining despite the lack of life that presented itself in her skinny frail body. “Mom, you ready?” The tearful mother, beautiful long black hair resting on her shoulders smiles and nods her head. This woman had been through so much with her daughter.  

“Ok baby. Mommy will see you after surgery. I love you.” She kisses her baby on the forehead before going to the waiting room. She knows the drill. It is far from Noelle’s first surgery. She probably should say a more profound good bye but she doesn’t want to scare her daughter. She just hopes to a god the surgeon doesn’t believe in that he would spare her little girl this evening. Please Lord.

“Here we go.” Clarke rolls the bed from the room down the long bit of hall way to the operating room as she mindlessly walks the hospital tile. She hadn’t taken long to learn this place. It was much smaller than MassGen, but it was her home now. Though Boston will always have a place in her heart she didn’t have a place in Boston anymore.

She allows for one of the surgery techs to grab the bed and put the little girl all set for surgery as she heads into the scrub room with Dr. Washington shortly behind her. She steps on the pedal and the warm water pours from the stainless steel sink head falling over her skin in the now familiar routine. She scrubs her skin with the little brush, the bristles against her skin soothing her nerves for the moment - at least until she starts to think about the little girl now falling unconscious through the glass in the OR.

“There is no rush in there Griffin. Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.  Find the margins, excise the tumor, pull it out, close her up. Easy day.”

“There is fucking no such thing as an easy day.” Clarke mutters as she takes a deep breath as the two walk into their OR hands raised in front of them to get gloved up by the nurses. A yawn escapes her lungs and she pushes the exhausted fog of her mind to the back. _Not now. You are not tired now. You can sleep after you save this little girl._ Her stomach flipping in her guy as she steps to the table and holds her hand out for the scalpel. She finds the calm eyes of the experienced surgeon across the table from her.

Nyko knows this is a long shot. Clarke does too but he knows the young surgeon will absolutely kill herself over this if it doesn’t work. This girl had maybe a couple of weeks to live, if she died on the table at least it would be painless and if she survived she had a chance at a lot longer than two weeks. He knew the young surgeon was fully invested in this patient. She spent her spare time here at the hospital practicing techniques and relooking at scans and he had even found suture knots at his little sister's apartment where the only explanation was that she was practicing as the two watched TV which wasn’t all that often. It seemed as though the blonde never left the hospital. Her dedication is admirable if not slightly unhealthy.    


The blonde draws the blade across the girl's abdomen as the blood spills out just before the incision is cauterized the rest of the world falls away and it’s just Clarke and her hands and trying to fix this little girl.  

 

//

 

Lexa dribbles the ball into the hardwood of the dark gym. She always liked the solitude of the gym only illuminated by the emergency lights and the light from outside as the sun started to come over the horizon. She missed playing. The rush she got from the games. The butterflies in her stomach before they ran onto the court for warm ups. How exhausted and sore she always was afterword. But this would do.

_She remembered the last time she had played for real. It was no big deal. At least not at first. She got into the locker room. Her heart was broken sure but she couldn’t show that. Not as the captain. Not as Lexa Woods. Not as a future officer. It had been her fault they had lost anyway. She wasn’t focused, not as much as she could have been. She had gotten a triple double sure but that was the thing about being captain - every loss fell on her and every victory was the team’s. Lexa got used to it, she knew that would be her life as an officer. She also dealt with it at West Point as the highest ranking cadet._

_The other team had gone up by 8 with less than a minute left. Lexa had fought so hard to keep their season going. She had a black eye, bruised knees, bloody lip, her fingers were taped together after the first quarter. She was a mess. At the end of the game she was so tired she could hardly walk off the court. Walking through the line of hands was a blur, pats on her back and kind words that just went straight through her._

_Coach had pulled her with 15 seconds left. She wanted to fight until the very end. She walked off shaking her head in protest so she stayed in and the plebe didn’t get their NCAA debut. After the game Coach wasn’t mad; he just pulled her into a hug and said she had done all she could. Lexa stood near the end of the bench or a moment not really sure what to do. All she wanted to do was sit and bury her face inside her jersey and cry. Basketball was over. She would never suit up again. But she didn’t. She couldn’t._

_She took her uniform off, no big deal - she tried to push from her mind that this would be the last time she took it off. She showered just like she did after every game. She was the last one out of the locker room just like every game. She threw on sweats and met Anya where other parents were waiting to see their own children. Spend time with them for the rest of the weekend now that their season was over._

_“Hey, Kid.” Lexa almost teared up as Anya grabbed her bag from where it was slung over one of her shoulders and put it on her back. Anya wouldn’t ask if she was ok. She knew she wasn’t._

_“Hey. Thanks for coming.”_

_“Wouldn’t miss it.” They walked to the car quietly, Lexa’s hands buried in her pockets, unfocused eyes. She stood by the car, leaning against the cool metal hands still in pockets when Anya tossed bag in the back seat._

_“I can’t believe it’s over.”_

_The older woman shuts the trunk and pulls Lexa into a hug by the back of her neck. Holding the brunette’s head against her shoulder knowing tears were spilling down those red cheeks of hers. They were always red after games or when it was cold out. Lexa’s face was flushed a lot actually. “What a ride it was, huh?” She lets her hand fall away as Lexa leans back wiping her eyes with her sleeve._

_“We should still be playing. I should have-“_

_Anya pulls her into another hug, a thing rare between the two of them. “Don’t. Don't do that to yourself. You played as hard as you could.” Lexa clings to her as her head hides in Anya’s shoulder. “You are so much more than just a ball player, Lexa, and have so much ahead of you. I can’t wait to see it. So chin up. You’re gonna be just fine, little one.”_

_At the time she didn’t believe her older sister. Now that basketball was over Lexa felt like a little piece of her died. Something was already missing and it hadn’t even been over for an hour yet. But Anya said she would be fine and so she was. Lexa just wasn’t sure if she’d be fine after the last time she took off her military uniform as she was with her basketball jersey._

Nevertheless she loved the feel of the beaded leather against the pads of her fingertips, a little slippery with the sweat from her hands. There for a second gone the next, she lets the ball spin against her hand a moment before pushing it back into the wood: forcing the hollow sound of the dribble to fill the gym and accompany the lonely squeak of her shoes.

She can hear herself breathe as she zigzags up and back fishing with a pull back jumper. Dropping her shoulder she leans into the step and pops back off her left foot quickly setting before she pulls up. Swish.

Again and again and again. Swish. Swish. Swish. _Faster_ . Spin move. Stick. Swish. _Harder_ . Pull up three - one, two, up. Swish. _Work harder._ Reverse layup - step, jump, stretch. Backboard, rim, and in. Dribble that pain away. _Work till the sound of the ball matches your pounding heart. Work till you forget it all and the only thing that matters is the leather ball in the palm of your hand._

Lexa had been coming in the last few weeks when she had dropped Tris off for rehab. It was annoying as hell to get the kid anywhere in the morning. Always wanted to sleep in but she needed to work with the trainer and it gave Lexa time to work on her game. Forget what her life had been after and outside of basketball - just for a moment. Basketball made sense. Things were predictable and she could usually make them go her way. She was in control and the pain in basketball only reminded her how hard she was working, how much she loved it.

Her hip still pulled and her back caught fire from being bent over the ball, hands working in a fury as the ball moves like magic. Her knee throbbing as she plants her foot before pulling up in a hard stop before shooting. Shoulder stiff as she lets the ball fly. Swish.

Her practice jersey from west point discarded on the baseline after she started off with sprints. Suicides. Defensive slides. She may never play the game again but working on basketball made her feel better. It was her sanctuary. Lexa had gotten up early, stayed up late, when on deployment to have the court to herself if the base had one. She could clear her head. Refocus. Deal with things - more like run from them - bury them with each pound of the ball against the dusty court.

She dribbled until the sound of the ball drowned the memories in her head. Gunshots. At her. At her friends. From her friends. From her rifle. Explosions. Cries for help. The shouts of battle. The foggy chatter of her captors in the background as fists connected with her flesh.

With a hard stop her back tweaks and the ball rattles off the side of the rim. Bouncing slow to a stop. Sweaty hands slip off dripping knees as Lexa bends over, chest heaving. Hair sticking to her forehead, the back of her neck. Shorts damp where they touch the top of her knee. Hands finally finding solid perch on her shorts stretched over her scarred kneecaps as she grips the mesh in her fists. The ball hitting the toe of her shoe as she stares down into the hardwood, studying the grain of the wood. Focusing on anything but the memories so recently beat out by the ball waiting at her feet.

Tris watches from the shadows behind the closed door on the walk from the locker room to the training room as her mentor and coach flies around the empty court. _Holy shit she is good._ The dim lights make her muscles stand out against the tan skin only held by a black sports bra over baggy black shorts. She notices the marks on Lexa’s skin. Her back covered in a oddly raised tattoo. Another on her upper arm. Marks across her very defined middle. _Damn_.

Tris feels uncomfortable, intrusive on a private moment. She gets it. Basketball heals her too. Unless it is ironically the thing that breaks her. _I’ll be back though. Don’t you worry Mr. Spalding._ She watches as her coach drops to her knees still hunched over, hands on her thighs. The young girl wants to look away but she can’t, Woody is in so much pain.

Lexa moves to one knee as she holds her temples between her fingers, leaning her arm on her good knee as the other hand drapes loosely by her side and holds the basketball. The leather serving to ground her as her heart pounds in her chest. Yet another reminder of the two rounds that had nearly ended her.

Slowly Lexa pulls herself out of her spiraling thoughts. She had the day off from the training they had been doing so she would stop by the hospital and take Clarke coffee. She hadn’t spoken to the blonde in 48 hours and not much over the week after their wonderful weekend together. She was just so caught up in getting ready with things picking up at the base. They were sending a group out in two weeks to forward deployment she had to help them get ready.

Clarke was busy at the hospital too. She slept even less than Lexa. It just wasn’t very conducive to the two of them seeing each other a whole lot or talking all that much. They seemed to be on opposite schedules and Lexa hated it.

 

//

 

“Dr. Griffin.” Clarke forces the heel of her palm hard into the little Noelle’s sternum. “Dr. Griffin.” _No. Not today. Come on. Come on. Beat damn it._ She is growing tired. Clarke has no idea how long she has been at it. _Beat damn it. Come on._ She is panting, sweating, her shoulders burn, her back aches, “DOCTOR GRIFFIN.” Dr. Washington's hand rests atop her shoulder. “Clarke. She’s gone.”

“No. No. I can still save her.”

“She’s been down for too long. Call it. Dr. Griffin, you’ve done everything you could.”

The young surgeon steps back from the girl glancing at the clock. “Time of death. 0628.” Her hands still on the girl’s chest, “God damn it.” She removes her gloves and throws them in the trash as she walks into the scrub room pulling the scrub gown from the front of her body and slams it into the bin.

She scrapes the brush hard into her skin under the water trying to wash the death from her hands but Clarke knows it will never leave. She has lost patients before. She has lost people before. Her father. Fin. But this… Noelle.. Sweet little Noelle… was the first she would have lost on the surgical table because she was not good enough. Her hands were not quick enough. Her mind not wise enough.

And it hurt. Oh God did it hurt. She can’t even imagine the pain Natalee will be in. Clarke knows she will have to tell her. Her hands grip the cool metal sides of the tub. Dr. Washington leans backward into the same ledge. “There was nothing you could have done differently. You’re a good surgeon.This doesn’t change that.”

“Not good enough.” She walks out of the scrub room down the hall to the waiting area for surgical patients. She had never notified a family before but this was her patient. Her case. Her responsibility.  

Natalee was sitting in the chair hunched over; her hands folded and elbows rested on her knees as she muttered silent prayers. Clarke’s stomach had jumped into her throat, or as Clarke swallowed the gut wrenching sorrow with her tears she had no right to have as she told this woman that her little girl, her beautiful little girl, would not be coming out of surgery. All she knew was there was something caught where her Adam’s apple would have been and it hurt and she had no idea how she was going to talk to this woman.

“Miss King, Ma’am.” The woman stands to find Clarke standing in front of her. The young doctor eyes wet but not exactly fighting back tears. She is stronger than that.

“No. Not my baby, please, no.”

“I’m so sorry. Noelle died.” They always told them not to sugar coat it. Not to leave anything up to question. People would look for any kind of hope that the worst news of their life was not just delivered so you lay it out for them. “She lost too much blood. Her heart stopped beating and oxygen was cut off to her brain for too long. We did everything we could.”

“I know, baby.” The woman pulls her into a hug as she cries. “She’s with God now.”

“How-“

“Faith, my dear. I will see her again.” She squeezes the blonde doctor before letting her go. “You did all that you could.”

 

//

 

Lexa walks past the nurses station just receiving word that Clarke was in surgery and she should be done soon. Lexa decides to wait in the room for her girlfriend. She didn’t want to make her nervous with her in the gallery. There were bouncing knees, muttered prayers, folded hands, pressed brows of every size and color. Lexa was glad she hadn’t really ever had to sit in one of these. She always hated seeing the people gathered here. There was far too much bad news delivered in these areas.

A doctor in dark blue scrubs and a Boston Red Socks scrub cap—the one Raven had given her—blonde tuffs of hair sticking out of the cap around her ears. Her shoulders dropped, a visible swallow of emotions before she approached a middle aged woman with beautiful dark skin and kind brown eyes. _No_ . She watched the young doctor deliver the news with a shaking head. _Oh Clarke._ The blonde hair now visible as a slightly trembling hand wiped the scrub cap away to be held in front of her, giving her hands something to hold on to.

Lexa watched as the woman gave Clarke a quick hug before following a nurse to what Lexa knew was a dead loved one. A spouse, a parent, a child - _God don’t let it be a child._ She picked up the coffees off the table in front of her and walked to follow Clarke. The blonde was walking quickly down the brightly lit hall and tucked into a supply closet. Lexa quickly snuck in before the door was totally shut.

She puts the coffees down on the shelf beside her. “Clarke.” The younger woman jumps slightly and turns around wide eyed at the gentle sigh of her name. Her chest dips as she lets out a breath, as if she was holding it this whole time. Eyebrows relaxing down from her forehead in exhaustion as tears start to stream down her cheeks. She opens her mouth to speak but there are no words. Clarke is breaking and Lexa doesn’t know if she can take it. Lexa’s heart aches for the girl.

Lexa takes a step forward and Clarke steps into her arms, holding onto Lexa for dear life. Lexa holds her weight as she leans into the brunette: head buried in the crook of the soldier’s shoulder as tears flowed from her eyes and sobs leaked from her very core. “Shhhh.” Lex holds the back of her head and runs gentle fingertips and a steady palm across the back of Clarke’s scrubs.

The brunette brushes her cheek against the side of Clarke's head before she presses her lips and nose into the soft blonde hair atop Clarke’s head. She smells of flowers and coconut and some perfume that Lexa just loved but this wasn’t about how beautiful her girlfriend is. This is about how badly she is hurting- and she was. Lexa could almost feel the surgeon’s heart breaking as she held the her in her arms. Clarke’s fingers wrap into Lexa’s stretchy loose fitting quarter zip as she sniffles and pulls away from her hiding spot in Lexa’s shoulder.

The brunette wipes a tear from her hot cheek with her thumb and places a soft kiss on the blonde’s forehead. She wraps her arms around the still shivering shoulders of the young surgeon. “I have coffee.”

“You are too good to me, you know that right?” Clarke wipes her tears on the inside of her scrubs and offers a poor excuse for a smile.

“Never.” Lexa kisses her again on the forehead before handing her her black coffee with extra extra espresso. She would never understand how Clarke liked that stuff it was too bitter for her. She drank the nastiest black coffee on deployment but why do that to yourself when you didn’t have too? “Don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

She returns with a bottle of water to find Clarke holding the coffee up to her nose, relishing in the warmth it provides and the smell of her favorite beverage. Lexa pulls her quarter zip over her head and the blonde can't help but look as her t-shirt rises up just slightly to expose her toned core and side. “Here.” She extends her arm towards Clarke, jacket in hand as she pours some water on it. “To wipe your face.”

“Are you trying to tell me I’m a gross mess?”

“No.” Lexa wiped another tear from her cheek as Clarke held the now damp sweatshirt in her hands near her waist. “I thought it might help make you feel a little better.” Lexa takes the sweatshirt from her hands and Clarke allows her too. She raises up a damp corner up to the blonde’s face and wipes gently on her skin. Clarke’s hand resting on top of hers as she wipes and notices the pink growing on Lexa’s cheek at the intimacy of the moment. Slowly the blonde takes over and Lexa holds her coffee from where Clarke had set it down to wipe her face.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to-“

“I said I’d take care of you.”

“But you’re sweatshirt’s all wet now and it’s cold today.”

“Eh, I’ve got thick skin, but if it it’s too cold a little wetness doesn’t bother me.” She takes a drink of the water chilling in her other hand with a smile. Clarke’s heart is still breaking she can feel it in the blonde’s posture but at least she can help for a moment.

Clarke kisses her cheek to say thank you as she reaches to open the door with her hand unoccupied by the coffee. “Thirsty?” She gives Lexa a wink with a smirk at the wetness comment. Clarke really did have her mind to much on sex but Lexa was hot and she was a woman with needs.

Lexa’s cheeks grow red as she chokes on the water coughing slightly as she follows Clarke into the hall. Her eyes wide in embarrassment and shock when Clarke looks over her shoulder to see her frozen in the doorway. Clarke finds it absolutely adorable she gets so nervous at the slightest of innuendos but she feels a little bad about this one so she grabs the brunette’s hand and softens the smile in apology before she starts to laugh. Once realizing it was a joke to push her buttons the loose posture finds its way back into her shoulders as she runs her hand over her still red face. “You’re worse then Anya.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just so cute.” A large yawn forces it’s way from Clarke’s lungs and the circles below her eyes become more visible to Lexa. The bright blue irises glimmering as Clarke’s eyes well up again. “I’m exhausted.”

Lexa offers her own untouched coffee to the blonde who tosses her now finished one in the trash. “When’s your shift over?”

“Two hours.“ She hadn’t noticed the footsteps walking up to them as she focused on Clarke and her own embarrassment/discomfort.

“Now.” Nyko shoves his hands into his white coat pockets. “You’ve been here for more than 100 hours this week. I know you have. Go home.”

“But-“

“No buts go home. You haven’t slept in about 38 hours. You had a rough case and you are exhausted. Spending two more hours here trying to stay awake in rounds is not going to do anyone any good. Go. Home.”

Lexa similes at the shocked and still yawning blonde. “I’ll drive you home. Come on.” Clarke doesn’t have time to argue she just goes to change and meets Lexa by the nurses station. Lexa watches as the exhausted, slightly defeated looking blonde walks away. She feels a little guilty for watching her round little ass through her scrubs as she walks because of the rough day Clarke is having—already had—looks like her day is finally coming to an end.

“You don’t have to. I could just walk.” The blonde returns in khakis that fit her better then her scrubs even, _wow_ . The orange cardigan over a white button up with the messy bun really works for her too. _Gosh, she’s pretty._

“What and let the world’s prettiest surgeon walk home in this cold? Not a chance.”

The blonde blushes as they walk to the car with only a nod in reply. Her words not coming so easy as Lexa watches her get lost inside that beautiful head of hers. _Come on out, Clarke. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s not going to help._ Lexa parks her car outside the apartment after a silent ride, as short as it was. “Thank you… for everything.”

“Oh.. no..Don’t even mention it.” Clarke doesn’t reach to get out of the car just sits there watching the brunette for a moment getting lost in her thoughts yet again. Those beautiful blue eyes grow wet, tears threaten to spill over her bottom eyelids dark with exhaustion and slightly smeared mascara. “Clarke, hey—“

“C-can you stay?”

“Of course.” She smiles and gets out to open the door for the blonde when an idea hits her. “You go on in, take a nice warm shower. I will be right back.”

“Lexa-“

“I’ll be gone ten minutes tops.” She leaves a chaste kiss on Clarke’s chapped lips. “Promise. Trust me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast. - saying used when trying to tell someone how to do something like Drill (the marching with rifles) for example. used to remind someone not to get ahead of themselves and rush. 
> 
> Easy day. - somewhat of a lie often used to make light of some task that needs to be done. somewhat used to be encouraging 
> 
> triple double - three stats categories (e.g. points, rebounds, steals) with 10 or more in them. basically like a home run of basketball (kinda) 
> 
> Mr. Spalding - regarding the spalding brand of basketball, a joke sometime said in the basketball world. "who you dating, spaulding?" (see Love and Basketball)


	15. Couch Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa comes back after her little trip to the store to comfort Clarke. The two get into a couple of difficult questions and conversations. We get to find some of Clarke's backstory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI FRIENDS! 
> 
> Sorry it's been so long! I've been a little swamped. Your comments and encouragement have been amazing and I love getting them. Always make the day better. So keep 'em coming :) 
> 
> Anyway... here's the next one, ENJOY!!!! 
> 
> (the next chapter will be happier and flashback chapters coming soon)

Lexa returns to Clarke’s apartment to the shower still running. She can’t help but smile to herself at how much Clarke seems to enjoy a long shower. She did too sometimes, the warm water falling rhythmically on her sore muscles did something to help heal her. She walks over to the kitchen and finds what she needs for her surprise.

She makes Clarke some of her famous hot coco, and puts the fries and chicken nuggets she grabbed from McDonalds on a plate on the coffee table. Lexa takes the liberty of leaning back and kicking her feet up on the couch as she waits for the younger girl after grabbing what seems to be Clarke’s favorite blanket from the corner of the room.

The brunette clicks sports center off as Clarke sulks back into the room. Shoulders slouched, head dipped slightly as she hides her nose in a worn over sized sweatshirt with NASA on the front over a pair of old sweatpants. Lexa watches in silence as if she will scare the blonde away as she makes her way timidly toward the couch. Clarke sits down and leans slightly into the brunette next to her. Lexa can feel the tension in Clarke’s body.

“I know Micky-D’s won’t make it better but I was hoping it’d help. I also made you some hot coco.” She rubs Clarke’s upper arm through the sweatshirt. “We can do whatever you’d like Clarke: watch a movie, sit and talk, sit and not talk. You name it, I’m here.”

The blonde only drops her head and bends over with her elbows on her knees. Lexa’s side already misses the warmth coming from Clarke’s body. The young surgeon mutters an apology into her hands as she cups her face; Lexa’s hand drawing slow circles on her back, the cotton soft against her palm. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Clarke. Not to yourself either. This stuff is tough.”

Clarke drops her hands from her face. Her blonde hair tied back in a loose ponytail falling over her neck as she turns and meets Lexa’s green eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes bloodshot, face flush but streaks tinted red and puffy from the tears. “How can I make it hurt less? Lexa it hurts so bad I don’t want to breathe.”

Lexa’s stomach churns with an all too familiar grief of having someone die because of your failure. Or perceived failure, but perception is reality after all. The army taught her that much. It was blood you could never wipe from your hands no matter how hard you tried.

Lexa wasn't sure she wanted to. The ache in Clarke’s chest works its way into her own. As she thanks the nature of her work that she never really had time to process loss, to really feel it. It was less painful to move on, to pretend to have confronted it, to push it to the back to be dealt with later knowing that there would never really be time. She had bigger things to focus on. There were missions to be done and fights to be won. She couldn't afford to process it.

She had shed a few tears in the privacy of a shower when she was a young LT sure, but there was no one to see, no one to comfort her, she sure as hell couldn’t show her guys. _Officers never cry in front of their people. Officers don’t get to grieve. You must take care of your people first and foremost._

She reaches down to pull the surgeon into her as she twists sideways into the couch. Clarke’s body heat warms Lexa as she curls into her. Sitting between Lexa’s legs as the brunette leans against the armrest of the couch. Sitting in silence as the blonde sniffles into Lexa’s shoulder torso quivering and the breath of sorrow shaking through her.

“I...I know it was a long shot but I… she should have lived. She was so full of life and positivity...She was just an amazing kid and I failed her.” Her head rests atop Lexa’s chest with the brunette’s nose and lips resting on the crown of the blonde curls.  

Lexa’s callused hand runs over Clarke’s upper arm as the quivering settles. “Clarke...”

“Why is life so short? Why is it always the good ones?”

“That is a question I often ask myself. I wish I knew.”

Lexa holds the young surgeon fast to her chest. A bony shoulder pressed into her sternum and blonde curls tickling her chin.  The silence settles over them a while as the ponder the question. Lexa in the sense of why hadn’t it been her yet, Clarke deeply wondering why her hands were not good enough. The shoulder presses further into the brunette as the other girl takes a long breath of the warm apartment air that holds a hint of a chocolate aroma. “So you made special hot chocolate? Any Chance that includes some kind of alcohol?”

“Sorry, just chocolaty goodness.” _Alcohol is not going to help, trust me._ “You want some food? I got it just incase. I know I can’t eat when I’m upset but I haven't gotten to take care of you yet so I didn’t really know... I want you to know that whatever it is, if there is ever anything bothering you, you can always tell me, Clarke. You don't need to be strong for me or anything. I want to be here for you too.”

“You got me McNuggets?” A smile shines in Clarke’s eyes as she considers the woman holding her. “How did you know?”

“Just a hunch.”

Clarke shoves a boot shaped piece of processed chicken into her mouth. “Sure.”

“There is even ice cream for later.” Lexa reaches for a nugget only to have her hand playfully slapped away as Clarke guards her food.

“Coffee?” The blonde asks through a mouthful of only lukewarm fries to a chuckling Lexa.

Another attempt at some food is successful as she wraps her arm around Clarke’s shoulder. The younger woman pulling the plate of food onto her lap as they lean back into the plush back of the couch. “Of course.”

Lexa’s curiosity gets the better of her as the two go on munching in silence. The paintings on the wall catching her attention with intricate detail of green forests and deep blue night skies. “You really like art, huh?”

“What?” She seems to snap Clarke from an empty stare at the blank television. “Oh, those.. I painted them a while back. Octavia hung them.”  

“You painted those?”

“They aren’t my favorite, but I didn’t want to argue with O about it or explain why so I let it be.”

“What? Why not? They’re amazing Clarke.” The brunette responds before her brain can really catch up to what Clarke was saying. She didn't want to talk about it. Despite already asking Lexa felt bad for prying, that wasn't really fair.

“The one of the forest, it's a spot I used to go with my friends. There’s little animals in here for each of the group. The deer kind of hidden back there was Finn.”

“Was?”

“He died in a car accident about four years ago.” Lexa remains quiet in hope of drawing the story out of the blonde. A pang of guilt shoots through her for wanting to know so badly but Clarke starts talking soon enough. “Raven and I were riding with him on  our way to Bellamy’s graduation from Quantico. A car came out of nowhere and t-boned us into a tree. It hit his side and Raven’s leg was pinched in the passenger's side by the crushed car. She was still responsive but bleeding a lot, Finn wasn’t and I could tell he was in bad shape.”

She takes another deep breath as she continues. “I had been in the back seat on the passenger's side so I was pretty much ok. The engine was smoking and I could smell something burning. I knew I shouldn’t move him but I had too, I pulled him out of the car to get to Raven. Once she was out I cut the seatbelt out and used it to tunicate her leg. Then I got the idiot who drove into us out and by the other two away from the cars.”

“The man and cut his forehead on the steering wheel so I did my best to make sure that wasn’t bleeding before I called 911. I kept checking on Raven and the other guy, I had to work on them because I knew Finn’s belly was distended likely from internal bleeding and he was unconscious. I started CPR as soon as I didn’t find a pulse but the other two were higher priority. I’d learned Triage in my paramedic training in college. As the paramedics were arriving Raven passed out and I started CPR on her instead because she had a better chance. I know it sounds bad but…”

“It doesn’t, Clarke. It sounds like you did everything you possibly could have.”

“When we got to the hospital they took Raven and Finn into surgery and stitched me and the other guy up. Raven messed up her leg and has some trouble with it now, but was fine mostly... Finn was brain dead.”  

“He was in the hospital like that for a month. His advanced directive said to give him 30 days before pulling the plug, his organs were starting to fail though and they needed them for transplants. He wasn’t waking up. Brain dead is dead. You don’t come back from that. I turned off the machines and unhooked him from the vent. It was my fault anyway, I didn’t want some intern doing it.  Octavia, Bellamy, and Gina watched and my mother comforted Raven.”

“Raven blamed me, which was fair. I took care of the other guy and stopped working on Finn to help her. The tunicate ended up damaging some her nerves which caused problems and I literally was the one to make him stop breathing and stop his heart. I was heart broken, so was she, but I lost two of my best friends. She hadn’t forgiven me until recently. I tried to go back home for residency after Med-School to try and fix things but it hurt too much and I couldn’t handle all of it so I came out here. ”

“Has it helped?”

“At first the change of scenery was good but it faded after a few weeks. I was running from other things too. My mother and my relationship was not the greatest after my father died and that was pretty much the last straw to say the least. I didn’t have the energy to pretend I was ok with her anymore after that.”

Lexa remains quiet as Clarke leans back into her, no words would make it ok. No apology would be worth anything. At least the “sorrys” never made her feel better. She just offered what comfort she could as her arms wrapped around the blonde and tried to absorb some of the pain. “I wish there were magic words to make it better.”

“You do make it better. When I started at the gas station the girl buying obscene amounts of ice distracted me, then when we started going for coffee it didn’t hurt as bad. I didn’t think I’d love again after..”

Lexa nearly chokes as she swallows. “Love?”

Clarke turns a shade of red as she pulls her hood around in front of her face. The apartment feels much cooler without the warm blonde pressed close up against her through her soft t-shirt.  “You knew what I meant.”

“What about the painting of the stars? I like that one, kinda reminds me of you.” She takes a sip of the now cool hot chocolate. “Which makes sense now that I know you painted it.”  

Clarke sighs and sinks further into her hoodie before finding some sort of resolve and leans back into Lexa. “I painted that one for my dad one year, he loved space. He was killed when I was in college. He worked for NASA and brought some data forward that was controversial or critical or something and was working on it at home. A few weeks later my dad turns up dead. They said it was an accident but stuff didn’t add up. Everyone knew he was killed when it came out later that this big company in Boston who was helping with NASA with was inherently evil. They helped fund Jaha’s campaign or something. Turns out my mother went to Jaha with it supposedly to confront him about it but she got my dad killed and tried to hide that from me. I tried to forgive her. I did. But when Finn died and she suggested that it was somehow my fault after only getting the story from Raven, I was done. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. He was my best friend. I miss him so much.”

“I know how you feel at least a little bit. My dad and I were close as well.”

“It doesn’t really stop hurting does it?”  

“I’m not sure I want it too.”

“What do you think happens, you know, when we die? I don't know what scares me more, the thought of ceasing to exist or that we could go on like this forever…”

“It doesn't really matter what I believe Clark, what do you believe?”

“I don't know what I think.” _I bet you do._

“It is in my opinion that life continues in some way.”

“But how?”

“Look I have to believe that there is something bigger, some kind of peace after all this. It wouldn't be worth it if we just stopped existing but that's just what I believe. And how fucked up is it if all of this just happened by some accident, if people suffered and died for nothing...”

“What would you die for?”

“Someone at West Point told me the most important thing someone could know is what they would die for. I disagree, I’d die for lots of things. My country, my friends. I'd like to think I'd die for a perfect stranger, or for someone I didn't like. I don't think values can be tested by what you'd die for… it's much more powerful to live for something, to dedicate your life to something. It's harder. Dieing is the easy part.”

“Is that why you aren’t afraid to die?” Lexa looks at her with her head cocked to the side asking when that was she had mentioned that. It’s not something she often talks about. “You mentioned it when you were drunk that one night.” _Shit._

“Oh...Part of it, yes. The other part I guess is if it's me then someone else might get a little more time. I think about it often and question it a lot, and I mean a lot, but deep down I know I've done my best. It's not a big deal for me.”

“I don't like you talking about your death.” Clarke strains upward digging her elbow accidentally into Lexa’s stomach to place a gentle kiss on her cheek before she relaxes again against the brunette. “It does scare me a little. I have a lot of questions. But mainly what if I didn't do enough? Will it hurt? It seems like it hurts. I don't know. Just lots of questions.”

“Pain shouldn't scare you, pain all ends one way or another.”

“What does scare you then little miss brave-heart? Snakes? Heights? Spiders?” Clarke trills her fingers over Lexa’s arm as she lets out a small laugh in attempt to lighten the mood. Sometimes hard topics make Lexa laugh too. A lot actually if she thinks about it. Her and her buddies have a pretty dark sense of humor now… It helps.

“It’s not that I am without fear, I just generally don't care to allow it to stop what I'm doing. Or the way pain scares you, I’ve had so much of it, I’ve almost died so many times it isn’t a big deal for me. There isn’t much else that can happen, honestly, if if it does I’m not worried. You just have to embrace it I guess, take your mind somewhere else. Death isn’t the part that hurts anyway.”

“You didn’t answer the question.” _Probably because I’m avoiding it._

“When I was younger was afraid I'd end up alone, but I got comfortable by myself. It was easier with being away and with everything going on. It meant I wouldn't cause anyone else pain, or that I wouldn't have someone to worry about back home. But now.. I have you.”

“Now you have me. You still didn't answer though, there’s gotta be something you're afraid of. Like heights, I hate heights.”

“I mean, it makes sense.. You did fall from the stars.”

Clarke snorts as she leans into Lexa with her shoulder. “That was pretty bad.”

Lexa chuckles, ribs a little sore from the constant press of the blonde into them. “It was wasn’t it.” The younger girl steals a chaste kiss. “True though.”

“Dork.” Blonde curls return to tickling just below Lexa’s chin as Clarke finds her pillow again. “You’re avoiding the question.”

Lexa takes a deep breath and steels herself against the armrest at her back trying to find the courage to tell Clarke. “Intimacy terrifies me. As does inadequacy, but intimacy… it stops me in my tracks. It makes my heart pound in my ears, my mouth go dry. It makes my chest tighten in panic and my muscles coil to flee. How pathetic is it that I'd run toward a firefight but I freeze at even the idea of sharing something intimate… even handholding makes my heart race...”

“It's not pathetic, Lexa.” Clarke leans away from the brunette so she can look her in the eye. Lexa forces herself to breathe again at the ironically increasingly intimate nature of the situation. “What kind of intimacy?”

“This kind.” She closes her eyes and swallows past the lump in her throat.  “All kinds. Physical. Emotional… I am absolutely terrified.” The bright green eyes open to the gentle smile of the woman sitting across from her on the couch, thigh touching Lexa’s knee anchoring her to something tangible.

“It’s ok.”Clarke leans in closer to her, really not doing much to help the situation but Lexa will admit that there is something magnetizing about her confession. Lexa finds her eyes shut again as she tries to calm the familiar pounding in her chest.

The blonde’s forehead rests against hers as a warm thumb rests on her cheek. Clarke’s palm bracing the side of her head softly willing Lexa’s eyes open again. “Being around you makes my stomach churn and my head spin. It steals the strength from my knees and makes my hands grow clammy just from thinking about it. It makes me weak.”

With such a closeness it seems that they share the same air only the volume of a whisper seems appropriate. “Love makes us stronger. It gives us something to hold on too. To fight for.”

“It’s irrational.” Gentle lips find her cheek just before she feels the warm weight of Clarke’s body leaning into her again. “It gives me something to lose. It makes me vulnerable.”

“I’d never hurt you, Lexa.” Clarke’s knuckles slide in between hers as their fingers intertwine. “I’m in this.”

“I know you wouldn’t ever mean too, but it’s still… I’m willing to bet that you’re still afraid of heights even if you’re strapped in, yeah?” Clarke nods in understanding. “There are just a lot of things that could happen.”

“The physical stuff, is it because of your time… Did they...”

“It always terrified me before that too. I’m being honest when I say I don’t remember much. I used to hate it but I’m glad now. I hope I never remember some parts. I don’t know if I could recover.”  Lexa doesn't answer the question, not totally. They can talk about that a little later.

“What is it then?”  

“I’m not sure. It is hard to put into words. Maybe because it is literally the most vulnerable position you could be in, I’m really not sure. You’re exposed and completely in the hands of the other person.. What if I don’t like it? What if I disappoint you? It just terrifies me, for no reason at all.”

“I’ve thought about it, with you.. It just makes me so afraid I push it to the side and that makes me feel terrible.” The brunette lets out a sigh. “It’s not that I don’t want to… for you. I know you want..” The blonde looks up at the crack in the woman’s voice and the movement of an arm from around her to the brunette’s face “but Clarke…”

A tear trickles down Lexa’s cheek as she’s caught somewhere between her fear and the idea of disappointing Clarke. The girl so ashamed she can’t even say what she’s talking about. The blonde’s thumb reappears on her cheek as it wipes away the tear in comfort. “It’s ok, Lexa.” Lexa starts shivering below the weight of the girl pressed into her at the idea that, no, it probably isn’t ok. “I promise. I know it's not personal. It’s human not to run head on into fear and I wouldn’t want you too with this.”

“You deserve so much better.”

The woman in Lexa’s arms shifts again and presses a short but firm kiss to her lips. “Don’t you ever say that again, you are amazing and we will tackle this together, I don’t care how long you need.”

The newly settled woman on Lexa’s chest, yet again lets out a small yawn. Lexa doesn't know what to say about the other stuff. “You should get some sleep. You’ve been up almost two and a half days.”

“Aiden’s party is tomorrow right?”

“Yeah, midmorning, but Clarke, sleep. Please.”

“Fine, but you’re sleeping with me. And in my bed. The couch isn’t good for your back and you know it.”

“Didn’t we just talk about my fear of sleeping with someone?” She tries to joke weakly at her own expense.

“Shut up. I sleep better when you’re with me.”

“I can deal with that.” The brunette smiles at Clarke’s confession as the blonde helps her from the couch.  “I do too.” The two crawl under the soft blankets of Clarke’s mattress that seems to swallow Clarke in sleep the minute they sink into it. Lexa hardly gets out a good night before she follows the entirely too tired blonde into slumber.

Sometime into the early evening Lexa jolts awake. Her hair and shirt stuck to her clammy skin. Moments ago she was in a happy dream. Strangers enjoying life, a father pushing a stroller on a summer day. A young woman sitting in a lecture. A football player dancing around a locker room. A girl on a date. Slowly they started to fade away and Lexa found herself in a fiery darkness surrounded by explosions, screams, and rapid firing of a .50 cal. The individuals so happy moments ago now dead at her feet as she presses forward finding herself incapable of saving anyone.

The panting woman untangles herself from the covers Clarke had mostly stolen and swings her legs over the side of the bed. The par holding the mattress pressing into the arches of her feet as she leans with her knees bracing her elbows. She is completely unaware the stirring blonde behind her a moment as she tries to pull the images from her head and slow her breathing.

“Lexa?”

Snapped from her empty stare into the dark room she glances over her shoulder at a mess of golden waves and tired blue eyes looking up at her. “Huh?”

“What is it?” Lexa turns back around to rest her head in her hands. Clarke’s warmth now at her back as the mattress depresses behind her before she is wrapped in a sleepy hug. “Are you ok?”

“We're going to war.”

“Aren’t we at war?”

“Real war.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Peer on peer. Large scale.”

Clarke’s hand starts gently running between Lexa’s flexed shoulder blades as she grows more awake. Still slightly confused at how much larger scale war could get. This one has been going on for almost two generations. “How do you know?”

“I had a dream.” The brunette nods. "They come true usually. It’s been coming for a while now, Russia is going crazy. China has been playing a bunch of stupid games...”

“You’re not going to be able to go back to sleep are you?”

“It is not likely.” The blonde kisses the slope where her neck becomes her shoulder. She can feel her shoes pulling at her. _Go run. Go work. You have to be ready._ “Go back to sleep, Clarke.” _I’m alright._

“We’ve been sleeping a while. I’ll make us some coffee and some food.”

“Clarke..” _This was supposed to be me taking care of you_.

“Nope. Come on. We can go back to sleep in a little while. It’s like 7:30 anyway. And we have ice cream.”

“You need sleep.”

A quiet gurgle from the direction of Clarke’s stomach fills the gap between arguments. “And food.” Lexa’s stomach rumbles in reply. “Or are you going to make me go in there by myself.”

“Fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .50 cal - the big gun with the big rounds. 
> 
> Peer on Peer War - war against another country (not a group like ISIS) that has similar military capabilities as the US. It would be much less arbitrary. 
> 
> perception is reality - another common mantra told to officers in training   
> Tell me what ya think :)


	16. Tactical as Fallujah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aiden's birthday, Lexa and Clarke are super cute. Lexa is a little shit. Aiden and Carol get a surprise. FLUF out the wazoooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Friends! Told you this would be up really fast! Two updates in one day, how bout that! This may or may not be one of my very favorite chapters to have written so far. I really hope you guys love it as much as I do. Lexa and Aiden may be the best little buds ever. 
> 
> Please, pretty please, comment, tell me what you think or just say hey :)

Lexa trails the much more awake blonde into the kitchen, feet shuffling along the soft carpet. “You don’t need coffee, Clarke. You need sleep.” The whites of Clarke's eyes peek from below hooded eyelids as she rolls them. What if she was just one of those people who didn’t need to have much sleep to function? However both of them knew that wasn’t the case. She worked too much and she slept too little. One day it could cost her.

The blonde stands from the bed pulling Lexa from where she was perched on the edge of the mattress.  “But it’s sterile and I like the taste.”  Clarke’s hands were always so soft and warm, pretty much the opposite of Lexa’s cold clammy palms rough with calluses.

A deep chuckle works its way through Lexa’s tired mind as she allows herself to be pulled into the kitchen.  “I’m not sure that's the comparison you wanted to make.” She sits at the counter cool and firm below her forearms.

“Yeah, that worked better in my head.” A muffled admittance competes with the noise of the opening fridge as Clarke buries her head in search of some food. “Cut me some slack, I’m tired and don’t have a high enough blood caffeine level.”

The brunette rests her head on a hand and allows herself to watch the women wander around the kitchen searching cabinets and the pantry. Socks sliding in a sleepy shuffle across the kitchen floor. “I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing.”

“I forgot.. Where'd you go to med school?” The blonde now near the sink tosses a dish towel at Lexa’s head. An eyebrow quirked playfully to the side as she looks skeptically at Lexa with those deep blue eyes of hers. “That’s what I thought.”  

“I’ll make some tea.” Lexa’s hands press into the cool counter as she stands slowly still quite sore for the morning’s workout. Reaching around Clarke, who seems to melt into the older woman’s side, she turns on the water to fill the kettle.

“Tea has caffeine too… and coffee tastes so much better.” Clarke sticks her lip out in juvenile protest.

“Chamomile calming tea… it’s like a safe space in a cup.”

Clarke snorts at the snarky woman as she gives up on finding food that is anywhere near appetizing and plants herself palms flat on the counter across from where Lexa takes her seat. She slides the tub of ice cream and 2 spoons across the smooth stone where they come to rest between her and Lexa. Hinging at the waist and leaning on her elbows over the center of the island Clarke takes the lid off and scrapes the ice cream  and slowly slides the spoon from her mouth, obviously savoring her favorite ice cream. “But first… ice cream.”

Lexa pulls out her phone as she finds her core pull again with the small shake of laughter. Grabbing a spoonful for herself she raises it in the air as somewhat of a toast, to the blue eyed beauty across from her. _Y_ _ou have to eat. You need to start preparing to take care of your people._ “I’ll order real food. What you hungry for?”

“Pizza? Chinese? Moe's?”

“Are we still in college?” Clarke tosses her head side to side in a fake laugh _Ha. Ha._ Though the blonde was living on a little better than a college budget if college kids knew what one was. She certainly didn’t. When the blonde doesn’t answer it takes Lexa all of two minutes to make up her mind “pizza sounds good. I know just the place.”

Clarke sticks her thumb to the roof of her mouth, her eyes jumping shut. “Brain freeze?”

“Shut up. I’m dieing.” Lexa’s retort gets caught on the tip of her tongue interrupted by a knock on the door. Lexa stands and turns away from the younger woman’s antics laughing yet again.

“I highly doubt that.” Clarke flips her off with the middle finger of the hand not already reaching for another spoonful.

“Hi, ignore her.” Lexa teases just loud enough for the other woman to hear. The delivery boy drowning in his uniform and a faded black hat smiles with a nod as he hands the pizza to the tall woman.

“Just sign this please?’ He hands her the check as Lexa stands from where she had leaned into the door frame.

Knowing she paid already she decides to have a little fun. With a grimace she signs the check, hiding the tip amount. “I don’t know… forgiveness is divine but  never pay full price for late pizza.” The delivery boy gets wide eyed and opens his mouth to protest. “I’m kidding, kid. Here you go.”

“Oh, uh, thanks.” He stumbles as he looks at the tip and backs away from the door.

“Don’t spend it all in one place.”

“Yeah, sure thing.” And with that the young man was gone and Lexa was closing the door when arms wrapped around her waist.  

“Twenty dollars he didn’t get that reference, that movie is from before our parents where babies.”

“Still a good movie.”

“You’re an idiot.” Lexa turns so her cheek is touching Clarke’s forehead. “He wasn’t even late.”

“On time _is_ late.” Clarke buries her nose in the back of Lexa’s shoulder.

“That what they taught you at West Point?”

“No. Fifteen minutes early is still late.” She laughs at the memories of plebe summer when there was no chance of ever being on time. Ever. Leading Clarke the short few steps to the counter is a little awkward as the blonde doesn’t let go.

She slides the box onto the counter and flips the top open to rich looking cheese, still bubbling topped with sausage cut like pepperoni and mushrooms.  The second topping only added to satisfy Clarke’s demand for some sort of vegetable. “Bon a'petite.”

She reaches for a slice and pulls it up, cheese refusing to break as it forms longs strings eventually wrapped around Lexa’s finger which is quickly stuck into her mouth. The flavors earning a low moan from the back of her throat. Best. Pizza. Ever. She was so glad Anya had found this place. Lexa bites into her pizza and burns the shit out of her mouth “Son of a bitch!” She all but throws the slice down into the lid of the box as she grumbles more to herself than anything “Every damn time.”

Clarke was moving to eat her pizza folded in the middle and puts it down partially laughing at Lexa and making sure she doesn’t burn her own mouth. “Slow down killer.” She internally freezes but relaxes when Lexa doesn’t react to the killer comment. _Why would she stupid?_ “The pizza isn’t going anywhere.”  Lexa is still running her tongue on the roof of her mouth, she really did burn it. “Need me to kiss it better? I don’t think a Captain America bandaids going to do it.”

“Shut up.”

Clarke blows on the end of the pizza before taking a bite being sure not to blister her mouth. “Oh my god. This is the best pizza I’ve ever had.”

“Right?” Lexa mumbles as she takes another go at the still very hot pizza apparently impervious to the steaming sauce and cheese. “Shit, I never made the tea.”

“Wine? Wine is good.” Lexa shakes her head and walks over to the kettle with the little whistle thing open. _Rookie mistake._ “Fine, tea.” Clarke picks toppings off the pizza and tosses them into her mouth with a pout before eating a spoonful of ice cream and offering a spoon to Lexa.

“No I’m good.”

“Suit yourself." She stuffs a spoonful into her mouth again. Apparently not learning from before the blonde winces at a much more mild brainfreeze. “Did we - you - get Aiden anything for his birthday?”

“We did, well, not yet. I have an Army Basketball hat and was going to pick him up a basketball and some cones or something, maybe an agility ladder.”

“He is like 7, Lexa. Get him a toy.”

“Ok, so a nerf gun.”

“That would probably work better.” She teases as the two start to put the stuff away in the kitchen. Clarke cramming the pizza box into the fridge for breakfast in the morning. “Should we ask Carol though? Those darts get all over and getting shot can be annoying.”

“Na.. She’ll be fine with it. We can pick it up in the morning. You drop me off at the toy store and grab donuts or something.”

“We could have cold pizza.”

“That works too.” The brunette yawns and stretches her sore abs her hands forming to the bumps her ribs form against her skin. “Back to bed?” She doesn’t wait for a reply as she starts heading in that direction. No matter, the younger woman was already on her way as well.  

Lexa curls up into Clarke’s side, Clarke’s shoulder becoming her pillow. “Night.”

“Night.”

The morning comes all together too quickly, both girls with headaches and hypersensitive eyes. _Go away, Sun._ Eventually they roll out of bed, taking turns in the shower, Clarke starting the coffee as Lexa finishes in about a minute and a half.

In passing the blonde wonders aloud “Holy shit. Do you even use soap?” Lexa only answers with a smile and a nod. “Unreal.” When Clarke is done two slices of pizza await her on the counter partnered with a cup of coffee.

On the way to the party the two stop at the toy store. Lexa runs in to grab the gun, at least what Clarke thought would be a _singular_ gun, but returns with one wrapped box and an unwrapped one of similar size and extra magazines. “He needs two?”

“Nope. One for me.”

“Seriously?” Clarke doesn’t need an answer, the grin on Lexa’s face as she takes the blonde’s hand is more than enough.

When they pull up to the house kids are already running around and they go straight to the gate for the backyard. It’s only 10:30 but looks like quite the lively little bunch on the warm spring day. “You forgot the gifts in the car.”

“Na, I’ll give them to him when everyone leaves. It’ll only be like 12:30 or so.”

“Xa!” He runs up to her and gives her a wet hug on her sweat pants but backs away as Carol calls after him not to get her wet. “Hi Miss Clarke.”

“Hi Aidan.” The blonde smiles down at the little boy warming Lexa's heart. 

“Sup, bud.” She ruffles the dripping mess of blonde locks as he tries to shake his way out of it. “Happy birthday.”

“Will you be on my team?”

“Your team? For what?”

“Squirt gun fight.”

“You bet.” She allows herself to be pulled away mouthing a quick sorry to the chuckling blonde making her way over to help Carol. “Remember what your dad and I taught you?”

He only nods furiously as he counts with his fingers. “Gain fire superiority. Move toward the enemy. Destroy everything in your path.”

Another high five is shared between the two as Carol shakes her head overhearing the interaction. “Good man. Let’s roll.” The kids grab their guns and split into teams when one little girl comes up to Lexa tugging on her shirt tail. “What’s up dude?”

“Mommy says guns aren’t toys.”

“It’s just a squirt gun.”

“All guns.”

“Are you f-” Lexa pauses as she hears a rather loud throat clear from Carol.  “Feeling ok? You sure she said that?”

She nods in rapid reply. “She said they are dangerous.”

“That’s the most re-” another noise behind her stops the word from completing as Lexa catches a warning glare from Aiden’s mother across the back yard. “ridiculously rational thing I’ve ever heard.” Clarke laughs alongside the slightly older mother who is just shaking her head as she undoubtedly tells some story. Likely the one of when they all went to play laser tag before they left for their last deployment. Tuck, Lexa and Aiden destroyed it. _You two are so damn competitive._ _You’re going to rub off on Aiden._  “You can be the artillery girl, how bout that?” Another look from Carol screams _careful, Lexa_.  “That means you get to use the water balloons. That ok?” the little girl nods enthusiastically. “Ok. Sick.”

/////////////////////////////////////

Carol just shakes her head as she picks up a towel to put on a chair. “Jesus christ, sometimes I wonder who the child is...”

“Who, Lexa?” Clarke leans back in a chair next to Carol to watch the fiasco starting to take place. “She’s so reserved though...”

“Oh, just you wait.” Carol smiles shaking her head slowly. Her warm hand patting the top of Clarke's almost in apology.  “And when her and my Tuck are together? Unbelievable.” The woman laughs at memories of the two Clarke hopes to be a part of in the future. “It’s a good thing Nyko keeps a suture kit around. Honestly. They are ridiculous.”

“You’re telling me I should bring one home as well then?”

“I’m sure you’ll need it sooner or later.” The woman takes a sip of a pale looking beverage. “Just wait till you guys have kids.” Clarke stills at the assumption that her and Lexa would last. “Oh, honey, if I didn’t know any better I’d say this was it for both of you.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. That girl is head over heals.” Clarke’s heart speeds, tapping rapidly against her ribcage, begging to be let loose. “Seriously though, don’t let them around the kids. They call Aiden yut-puppy for crying out loud, I vetoed devil pup. Look -”

Clarke turns to watch as she laughs along with this woman she hardly knows so happy that Lexa had people like her in her life. Other kids are running around the yard squirting each other, the little girl chucking water balloons without much success of hitting anyone.   

A tall figure among midgets walks quickly hunched over super-soaker at the ready as a little one mirrors her every move. The two approach a plastic storage bin where Lexa holds up a fist, stopping the boy behind her who squats down below their newfound cover. Her and little Aiden no doubt up to something as the rest of the kids abandon all idea of any teams a few minutes ago and were just going crazy soaking each other.

Lexa presses a finger to her smile. She whispers something to the little boy motioning with her hand for him to stay low before her two fingers wiggle telling him to walk. She then peeks over the top of the barrier nodding to to Aidan as she motions that he would go around the side and she would follow behind as she hooks one hand around then points two open hands in front of her nose one after the other.  He nods again and it’s a wonder to Clarke that his little head doesn’t bob right off his body. His eyes open wide taking in everything Lexa does.

“There’s no way he understands all that.”

“Just watch. I’m never taking the three of them laser tagging ever again.” She chuckles as she watches her son, a glow in her eyes suggesting she’s so glad he has Lexa and her husband.  The brunette catches Clarke watching and shoots a quick wink in their direction stirring something deep in Clarke’s belly. Again her hand is up in the “ok” sign Aidan quickly returns before counting down with his fingers.

Aidan turns around no longer facing his friend and gets into a crouch to move from behind the barrier. The pair’s water guns point at the plush grass. Lexa reaches up from where she is crouched right behind him to give his shoulder a squeeze.  Then with shocking swiftness the pair move from behind the bin, do doubt the home for the very squirt guns and various pool toys littering the yard.   

Still crouched they approach the unsuspecting group, Lexa reaches out again and gives Aiden’s shoulder another squeeze. The mop-headed boy lets out a battle cry “YUT” and just drenches the group as Lexa follows laughing so hard her eyes go squinty.

It’s not long before their position is overrun and little ones gang up on Lexa, her own protege turning on her with the chance to soak his older friend.

“Holy shit.” Clarke watches her girlfriend play with the kids, t-shirt sticking to her formed core. If she didn’t feel it’s rhythm speed inside the cage of her chest Clarke would have thought her heart stopped for sure at the sight.

There really isn’t anything more sexy then this. Hot girl. Wet shirt clinging to her abs and arms. Playing with a bunch of kids without a care in the world.

“Told you.” Carol dips her head as she considers the blonde sitting next to her. “You ok there? You look a little flush.”

More heat rises to her cheeks and the back of her neck grows warm in the rays of the late morning sun, or embarrassment that she just got caught basically devouring her girlfriend. It’s the first, Clarke decides. Definitely the first. Except for the knowing look from all too knowledgeable brown eyes coming from the woman sitting next to her.

“Sorry, she’s just… _so_ hot.” It’s then that Carol loses it and bends over laughing.

“It certainly isn’t ugly to see someone playing with children. I remember the first time I saw Tuck with Aiden.. Oh my..” Their conversation is cut short by the arrival of other moms returned from wherever they went after dropping their children off.

The backyard is a whirlwind of giggles and children’s shouts, splashes and cannonballs in the pool. The kids clearly having fun and somehow pushing Lexa fully clothed into deep end.

The brunette feigns offense as she swims toward Aiden standing over the edge of the pool grinning ear to ear in pride. “Oh you little” a hand reaches from below the water to grab him in such quick precision Clarke almost misses it.  With out much more than a yelp the birthday boy is in the pool sending splashes in Lexa’s general direction.

Carol calls them out of the pool for cake. Aidan hadn’t wanted presents. He asked for people to donate to the wounded warriors foundation. _This kid is 7. Holy shit. Tuck and Carol clearly have the parenting thing figured out._  

People start filing out and Lexa is walking with her hand on a beaming Aiden’s upper back toward Clarke and Carol. Aiden’s hair nearly glowing in the sun and Lexa still dripping wet with a towel around her shoulders.

He bounces on the balls of his feet at Lexa’s side handing a stack of paper plates to his mom. “Mom! Miss Clarke! Did you see? Did you see us get ‘em?”

Lexa offers a high five. “It looked like fun.” Carol chuckles as she puts the plates into the trash bag the four were filling.

Clarke smiles down at him giving him another high five. “Looked very… um...” The word to describe

“Tactical as f-”

“Lexa!” Clarke hits her in the back of the head. Lexa wet hair cool in the warm air against Clarke’s palm. Lexa only turns to grin at Clarke while ruffling the mess of hair on Aidan’s head.

“Fallujah, I was going to say tactical as Fallujah.” The brunette shrugs, her voice going higher, almost making Clarke believe her. 

“Yeah, mom, tactical as Fallujah.”

“Sure, Aidan. Can you go pick up the toys for me?”

The little boy hustles off to clean up after his friends “Yes, Ma’am.”

“Lexa, do you need a change of clothes?”

“Oh, no. I’ve got some in the car. Always prepared with this little one. He’s crazy.”

Clarke watches as Carol shakes her head in a laugh again, and her heart flutters at the love Lexa has for this little boy. “Don’t you try and act like it isn’t your fault.”

Lexa puts her hands on her chest as if Carol's words had struck her strait in the heart “Who me? It’s gotta be that husband of yours. The man is an animal.”

“You’re not wrong.” Her brown eyes shine in the sun smiling as she thinks fondly of the man she most wishes could have shared this day with them. “Thank you for coming. It means the world to him.”

“You know it’s nothing, I love that kid. You’re doing something right. He’s a great, Carol.” Lexa gives the woman’s shoulder a squeeze as she mouths a thank you back clearly a little emotional at the compliment. That little boy means the world to her. “I’m going to change and grab something for Aidan out of the car.”

“Lexa… you didn’t need to get him anything.”  Lexa only tosses her hair over her shoulder as she looks back. Her green eyes catching the sun and her tan skin bright against the background of the pale house. _Of course she did._

She returns to the group sitting on the porch after disappearing in the flowerbed for a second. A long box covered in camouflage paper under one arm and a small bag in the other. “Happy birthday, buddy.”

Aiden rips through the tissue paper of the bag, face lighting up at the sight of the army basketball hat. Carol gives Lexa a knowing look - _you are ridiculous_. And it’s all Clarke can do to just watch the interactions. She can’t help but feel so special to get to be a part of this _._ Aiden gives his hat to his mom for safe keeping as he opens up the next present.

His eyes go wide at the first visible part of the box. “No way.”

“I thought you might like it, but it was Miss Clarke’s idea.” Lexa smiles at Clarke, her arm snaking naturally around the table to take her hand.

“Thank you, Miss Clarke.” His tiny little fingers busy themselves trying to rip the paper away.

“Oh, you’re very welcome Aiden. Happy birthday.”

Carol returns in from the kitchen putting a tray of lemonade on the table. Aiden hands the box back to Lexa who pulls out a knife from her pocket to help get it out of the packaging. _You have a knife on you? What the hell?_ Clarke watches perplexed as the woman hands it over to Aidan, pretending to check to see if it’s loaded and making him take it from her hands.

Carol realizes what’s happening and rolls her eyes before offering a warning to her son “Aiden if you shoot me…”  
  
“No need.” Lexa skimpers around the side of the porch to return with her own matching nerf gun, if you could even call it that. The thing looked more like a rifle.  

Carol playfully tosses her hands in the air “Are you serious, you’re just as bad as Tuck.” Clarke just chuckles, _holy shit Lexa really is a child. Who woulda guessed._

As the two load their guns, Lexa helping load the extra darts into the excess magazines she bought. “Xa? Can we be tactical as Fallujah?”

Clarke swallows her lemonade quickly so she doesn’t spit it out mid laugh as Lexa snorts. Carol gets caught in a laugh as well. “Don’t break anything. Deal?” She says more toward Lexa then her son but both answer as they grab the newly loaded toys. The two move inside out of their sight but giggles and “clears” heard from the porch with clarity as the two women left sip their lemonade.

_I could get used to this._

_/////////////////////_

“Xa, the house is clear.” Lexa smiles and nods as she holds the toy guy against her chest. “Want to play soldier now? Against each other?”

“You want to be a soldier huh?” _Tuck is going to get a kick out of this, a soldier not a marine. Suck on that Keen._

“Like you and Dad.”

“Your Dad is a marine buddy. I’m a soldier.”

“Oh…” Aiden’s face twists as he goes deep into that little head of his. “Do I have to pick now?”

“Nope.”

“Ok.” He nods as he tries to hold the toy like Lexa. “Me against you though?”

“This means war.” Lexa puts the toy down and runs after the kid with a bear hug

“No, X. You have a minute to get your position and me mine, then we start. Ok?”

“Whatever you say, Sir.” Lexa gives a little salute and grabs the gun from the floor as she moves to set up on the porch. She kneels behind a footrest for one of the couches and steadies the end of the nerf gun. This poor kid has no chance.  

Aiden comes around the corner of the screen just like her and Tuck had shown him when they went laser tagging. It’s no matter really, Lexa shoots Aiden before he can even get a shot of once he passes from behind the screen. The little blonde crumples on the ground as he plays dead, Lexa rushes to his side leaving the gun from her vantage on  the cushion.

“Corpsman, corpsman.” Lexa tickles the little guy ruthlessly, her fingers attacking his belly and sides. “we need a corpsman over here! He’s ceasing.” She finds a spot at his hip that steals the breath from his lungs as he laughs hysterically gasping and trying to escape.

“Xa - xa st -op” Lexa sits back on her heels and looks at the still laughing boy an idea coming to mind.

“I’ll stop if you help me get miss Clarke. Deal?” He nods ferociously, _anything_.  “Ok, here’s the plan.” Aiden sits up on his knees so he is closer to parallel with Lexa as the brunette eagerly explains to him the plan. His bright brown eyes wide in anticipation, his head bobbing up and down as he listens to his dad’s friend. She would carry him to Clarke. He would shoot her, then ask Clarke to give her CPR. It was a simple plan, Lexa just hoped it would work. “You tracking?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Alright. Let’s do this.” Aiden hops on her shoulders and her back pulls in protest. This would be worth it though. So worth it. Besides, if things didn’t hurt she wouldn’t really be living. The little man is draped across her shoulders as she has both guns in her hand, her other hand holding his wrist and ankle together in front of her chest. “Good to go?”

“Good to go.” He says with a giggle and Lexa walks outside to the grass nearest Clarke and Carol who are chatting like old friends. Her heart immediately warms in her chest. _Clarke likes my friends. Carol likes Clarke._

Gently Lexa bends over and lays the boy in the grass who has gone completely limp. _Good job buddy._  “CLARKE, we need a doc over here! He’s been shot.” The women’s conversation stops and she can hear Carol mutter “Oh, God.. what now.” Clarke is watching quizzically from her chair as Aidan springs to life, stealing Lexa’s gun and shoots Lexa who falls over. Her hands clutching her stomach.  

Aiden rolls out of the way and tosses the gun gently to the side as he kicks the other one away from a gasping Lexa’s hand. “Clarke, doc, help” she lets out a breathy plea before fake passing out.

Aiden checks her pulse just as Lexa had told her as he fights giggles. “Help miss Clarke, CPR is the only way.”

“Oh is it” The blonde woman moves forward on the lounge chair preparing to stand, clearly seeing where this was going.

He just nods and pulls her from her seat with warm little hands gripping hers. Carol only rolls her eyes as she watches - knowing where Lexa was going with this as well.

Clarke kneels in the grass beside her child of a girlfriend. Bending down she places her ear just above Lexa’s nose and mouth, checking her breathing, which tickles her skin gently. Placing a hand on Lexa’s chest to check it’s rising and falling, her head still close enough to Lexa’s face her bangs tickle Lexa’s forehead. “I don’t know, Aiden. I think you might have killed her. CPR won’t help. I’m sorry.” She smiles and winks at the little boy who is grinning from ear to ear.

Before she can make a move to get up and leave her girlfriend hanging after all the effort she put in Lexa pulls her into a kiss. Clarke’s lips are so soft on hers, tasting sweet of lemonade and birthday cake. Her hand snaking around the back of the blonde’s neck as she gives Aiden a high five with her other.  Lips still connected Lexa sits up as Clarke kisses her back sweetly. Though Lexa is lost in the kiss she can hear Aiden telling his mother everything and Carol’s sweet laugh. Clarke pulls away, her forehead against Lexa’s a moment. “Should I call you Squints now or what?”

The blonde’s hands push her back down into the grass playfully before she takes her seat back on the lawn chair. “How can you blame me?” Lexa shrugs as she sits up again. Bending her knees to hug her legs to her chest. Little Aiden sitting down next to her, his warm little body pressed against her side. “Wendy Pefercorn has got nothin on you.” Lexa shoots her a wink as Clarke rolls her eyes, a sweet laugh escaping her swelling chest. That was so damn cute.

“Using my son to pick up women, G? I thought you had more game than that.” A deep voice teases from the back corner of the yard.

Aiden spins around so fast he nearly rips the grass up and sprints into tucks arms just as he bends down setting a 6 pack and a duffle bag in the grass holding flowers in his other hand.

“Hey buddy, happy birthday.” Carol stands up slowly hand going to her mouth. He puts Aiden down and wraps his wife in a hug the woman getting lost in his arms.

“Wow, I love you.” Carol whispers into his shoulder before giving him a chaste kiss as the other two woman look on.

“You two are disgusting, always have been. Get a room.” Lexa receives yet another warning look from Carol as she jerks her head to the side regarding her son and the bedroom joke he is getting old enough to pick up on. Clarke gets caught in listening to Lexa’s sweet chuckle as she teases the couple. The blonde gets the feeling that it happens often and hopes she will get to see a lot more of this.

Tuck’s arm has snaked around Carol's waist, and Aidan is standing against his leg as he ruffles his son’s hair with his free hand before it rests on his shoulder. Lexa glances at the beaming kid as she asks “What do you think buddy, gross right?” Aiden nods his head in rapid agreeance with his best pal who had just shot him a wink. “Go get your new hat to show your dad.” she encourages with a shit eating grin.

“Lexa..” an elbow connects with her ribs where Clarke was now tucked under her own arm fitting perfectly into her side. “Behave.”

“What?”

“You know what.” The blonde's body shakes against her as she laughs at the absurdity of these interactions.

Aiden sprints off,  Lexa takes a step forward and Tuck swings at her before she ducks a “punch.” Clarke gasps in surprise and watches while Carol is so calm, shaking her head at the pair. Lexa’s fist connects to his much larger open hand just before his fist connects to her newly open palm in a weird handshake. “We’re good?”

“Is your head out of your ass?”

“Dick.” Lexa shoves him, still with a smile on her face, teeth showing and everything.

“Yeah, we’re good.”

Lexa takes a freshly opened beer from the man’s hand as she turns to introduce her girlfriend. “Tuck, this is Clarke.”

“Oh, I’ve gotten the gouge.” Lexa glances at Carol who just shrugs in mock innocence. He shares a firm handshake with the blonde before pulling her into a hug. “Thanks for taking care of her. She can be a little stubborn.”

Before Clarke can answer Lexa is chiming in from behind them with arms crossed over her chest as she warms playfully. “Clarke, don’t listen to a word he says.”

He leans back and gives the blonde a playful wink as he releases her so the pairs are now standing across from one another. “Midshipmen are persons of integrity. We stand for that which is right. We do not lie… “

“Spare me, Tuck. You haven’t been a mid for like 8 years.”

Aiden returns with the hat with a huge grin. The back cap reading _ARMY Basketball_ perched proudly on his head. “WHAT THE FU--”

“TUCKER DANIEL KEAN”

“What?”

“He is 7. Language.”

"Fallujah?" Tuck shrugs as he tries to get out of some light "trouble" with his wife. 

"Good try. Kean." Carol shakes her head and nods in the direction of their son. He husband looking too much like a begging puppy to really be mad anyway. Besides Marines do use the f-word as a comma or "fuckin'-uh" instead of "um". It wasn't _really_ his fault. 

“Xa got me a hat.”

“I see that.” Tuck grumbles through partially clenched teeth.

“You want a matching one Tuck? I can make it happen.”

“Not on your life.” Tucker turns Aiden’s hat around backward on his head as the kids runs off to play.

Clarke turns to Carol as the two continue to chat. “Are they always like this?”

“This is tame believe it or not.”Carol melts back into his side and he leans down a little to kiss her.

The two across from Lexa and Clarke forget they younger couple is there for a moment. “I’ve missed you. How long can you stay?”

“About two weeks.”  

Lexa watches a moment before giving the two some sort of time alone after months of texts and sporadic video chats and limited phone calls. When she was in high school someone told her having a family with this life style wouldn’t be bad _they have facetime now._ She remembered knowing that was such a load of bull shit but now she really knew just how nuts it was. Being away for Tuck was probably the hardest part. “Clarke come help me grill some burgers and give them some time, yeah?”

Clarke hugs Lexa from behind as she flips burgers. The blonde’s chin resting on Lexa’s strong shoulder. Completely content with what her life was looking like if this whole thing worked out. Lexa turns her head as she lights the grill back up. “How pink?” Clarke still wrapped around her back. Lexa melts a little into the woman behind her.

“Medium rare please” Carol answers before tuck can chime in.

“No hockey pucks on my grill, G.” The brunette gives them a thumbs up as Clarke kisses her on the cheek before replacing her chin on Lexa’s shoulder.

Lexa turns her cheek toward the blonde again as she seasons the burgers, flames leaping from the grill as some of the seasoning misses the meet. “What was that for?

“I -” _love you._ Clarke’s confession gets cut off by a screaming beeper buzzing at her hip. “Fuck me. Hold on.” Clarke releases her girlfriend and Lexa wishes for nothing more than to have those arms around her again.  

After a few minutes on the phone Clarke gives a huff as she hangs up. “Do you have to go in?” The blonde nods, her body language full of disappointment. Lexa turns her attention from the nearly perfect burgers for a moment as she rubs her hands over Clarke’s arms in an attempt to comfort her. She knew the young surgeon was anxious about getting back in the OR, still beating herself up for her first surgical failure. “I can drive you.”

Clarke drops her head as she  internally fights, wanting Lexa to be with her on the car ride but also wanting her to stay and be with these people she cares so much for. “You’ve been drinking.”

“I’ve had one beer, it’s ok.”

“No, you stay and visit. Can I take your car though?”

“Yeah I’ll have Ayn grab me or something. Don’t crash my baby.” She gives Clarke a quick kiss soft on the lips.  

“I won’t.” Clarke contemplates teasing her about her piece of junk old car, just to waste some more time in getting back. She knows though that they wouldn’t call her in for nothing. She really needed to get there ASAP.

She steals another kiss from Lexa who is flipping the burgers over and laying cheese on top of the patties. “See you tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll cook dinner. Text me when you leave the hospital. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“You’ve got this, Clarke. Trust yourself. I’ll see you tonight.” The blonde only nods as she heads out front with a wave to the other couple now sitting on one of the lawn chairs, and little Aiden playing football with himself. __Here we go._ _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gouge - the "skinny" or the information. Its a Navy/USMC term for the low down or what ever. 
> 
> Movies reference - teenage mutant ninja turtles, dodgeball, sandlot
> 
> YUT - some what of a "battle cry" of the USMC, used to motivate and respond affirmative too many things. Used as often, if not more so then, OORAH. 
> 
> Devil dog - nickname for Marines given at the Battle of Bellawood by the Germans who were impressed and terrified by their fighting spirit. 
> 
> Devil pup - young kid who wants to be a Marine. 
> 
> Yut-puppy - similar to devil pup, young motivator. 
> 
> motivator - sometimes a postive term sometimes used scarcastically to make fun of someone. Someone who is super motivated, which basically means they run a lot, yell a lot and are super locked on. (locked on means focused) sorry trying to define these so they make sense is tough. 
> 
> Corpsman - pronounced core - men, navy and marine "corps medics" often work with special forces. Most decorated group in the entire US military. 
> 
> "You tracking?" - military jargon for "do you understand" , similar to "good to go?"


	17. Knowing Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya picks up from the Keen's and interrogation ensues. Anya worries about her sister and enjoys teasing her way too much. Clarke returns for dinner... trouble in paradise. 
> 
> had trouble coming up with a title for this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Friends!! The newest update is a goody. It gets kinda heavy near the back end. 
> 
> Now We all know Lexa's been dealing with some stuff. When Clarke addresses her Lexa's views are not accurate of herself no anyone struggling with PTSD. I'm just using this to kinda voice and address some of the misconceptions of it in the military community. I repeat this is NOT a reflection on anyone struggling with PTSD. and I must say that PTSD is not a sign of weakness but strength that you could get through something and keep fighting. To all the readers that struggle with it, I love ya. Hang in there. 
> 
> That being said, I really did enjoy this chapter as usual. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Anya and Lexa interactions. Also next chapter is already in the works and looking like one I think you guys will really like. Please comment and tell me what ya'll think. I know this one might be a little rough but bear with me. 
> 
> I love you guys and just want to say thank you for the comments and patience to this point. I know I don't update that often and you guys sticking with it has been so awesome and encouraging to me. 
> 
> Enjoy!!!

 

**Little Lex**

**Can you come get me?**

**Clarke got called in.**

**Sis**

**Sure I’ll bring the**

**bike. It’s nice out**

**Little Lex**

**No.**

 

**I’m not riding on the**

**back of that death trap.**

  
**Sis**

**fine, see you in a few**

Tuck is face down in the grass across from Aiden as the two press out a few pushups in a contest. Aiden had challenged Tuck to a contest not long after their bellies were full with burgers.  “You’re on, squirt.”

A tall woman in green pants and a khaki blouse  walks through the gate and stands smiling over the two Kean boys with their hands buried in the grass, focused on each other as Tuck matches Aiden’s pace. Anya always looked at home in a flightsuit. Sleeves rolled perfectly. Cover pulled down just right over her tightly pulled back hair rolled into a perfect little bun.  “You mean this asshole is back and I wasn’t even invited?!”

Recognizing the voice of his favorite pilot anywhere Tuck stands up and wipes his grassy hands on his soft t-shirt. His strong arms wrap the slight woman close to his chest as the two smile. “Language Ayn.” Tuck whispers in her ear before letting her go “Carol isn’t having it today.”

Carol is standing by the two with her hands on her hips before being pulled into a rare Anya hug. “My bad. Sorry Carol.” Releasing the woman she gives her arm a squeeze. “How you been?”

“Better now.” The blonde woman nods toward her husband relaxing a chair as her son hops up into his lap.

Aiden, who had just gotten settled springs up as Tuck hunches over slightly. “ANYA!” Finally done with waiting his turn to talk to his favorite pilot as well.

“Sup dude.” Anya taps her bruised knuckles with Aiden’s small warm ones. “Happy birthday, sorry I couldn’t make it earlier.  I had flights today.” The woman picks him up under the shoulders and puts the kid back on his dad’s lap. This time is precious. Anya understood that a lot more than she wanted to.

“Can I go with you sometime? Pleaseee, for my birthday?”

“Maybe in a few years shorty.”

“Ok.” Aiden drops his head in disappointment quickly replaced by giggles. Tuck’s fingers work rabidly over his sides.

“You ready Lex?” The older woman offers a hand down to her little sister sitting a little stiffer then she probably should be in the chair. Lexa ignores the help and stands slowly on her own.

With a bright smile Anya hasn’t seen in years she shoots a wink at the blond ball of energy squirming on his father’s knee. “Yep, I’ve had my fill of this bunch.”

Tucker’s hands still on his son for a moment letting the kid out of his torturous grasp. “Yeah right. Coming over drinking my beer, eating my food… get outa here G.”

The brunette pulls the only normal one of the group into a hug before her legs are encircled by little arms. She bends down slowly to return the hug for a moment before standing to shove her best friend. “I’ll see you all soon.”

“Fuckin better.” Tuck’s large hands land on her shoulders shoving her off balance playfully toward the gate.

The back of Carol’s hand lands with a thud in the middle of Tuck’s chest bouncing with laughter. “Tucker!”  

Walking out of the gate and sliding into Anya’s care the two hear the laughter of the newly reunited family behind them. Starting the car Anya tosses her folded cover onto the dash. “How were your flights today?”

“Alright. The cones couldn’t get the ACM but any day in the air is a good day.”

“Speak english.”

“The students were practicing dogfight tactics. I know your job stuff.”  

“Yeah you and your every marine a rifleman bull shit. Not every grunt is a pilot, ok?”

“It’s true.” The older woman only shrugs as they turn on to the main road. “You tell Clarke yet?”

“I’m working on it.”

“Jesus Lex how hard is it? Just tell her - hey. I’m getting deployed. I’ll be gone for a little bit.”

“Yeah, that will go over well. I’m leaving for a few months. I’m going some place I can’t tell you, doing some stuff I can’t tell you and I said I wouldn’t lie so no it’s not exactly safe...Yeah sounds like a great idea.”

“Whatever man you have to tell her eventually. You should probably _do it_ soon though, if ya know what I mean.” Anya winks at her sister leaning back in the passenger's seat before elbowing her.

“Anya!”

“So you haven’t yet?” Lexa only shakes her head, moving side to side against the headrest out of Anya’s view. “I’ll take the radio silence as a no. Nyko owes me 20.”

“What!?” The brunette springs up almost hitting her forehead on the flap pulled down from the roof to block the afternoon sun. “I _will_ shoot you. You’re betting on my relationship?”

“No your sex life. We are betting on your sex life. Lincoln is in on it too.” Lexa clenches her jaw in the passenger's seat and her older sister lets out a short laugh. “Relax. It's not like you celibate or anything you just haven’t done it yet.” Lexa cringes, the term ‘do it’ seemes so... off. “What, would you rather I say you haven't had SEX yet? Made love?” Immediately the brunettes cheeks flush as her neck grows hot with embarrassment. Her heart racing at the thought of her and Clarke wrapped up in each other in that way. Entirely exposed. “No. Didn’t think so. You’re too easy. ” The older woman laughs at the discomfort of the woman in the passenger seat. Lexa has yet to respond before Anya cuts in again after raising her hands at some idiot in a Kia who had just cut her off. “You going to before you leave? Get something to remember her by?”

“No, holy shit Anya. This isn’t like that.” Lexa crosses her arms over her chest with an indignant puff. Anya knew that. Lexa knew Anya knew that. It was beyond irritating that the girl driving like a nascar driver was so easily capable of getting a rise out of her.

Anya chuckles as she swerves around someone going too slow for her causing Lexa to grab the handle above her window on the roof. “So how's it going though? She looks like she’s a good kisser. Seems nice enough a person and I take it you plan on staying together through deployment.”

“We haven’t talked about it, but yes I do. And She’s a great kisser but I’m not doing this with you.”

“Doing what?”

“Girl talk. We don’t do girl talk.”

“I helped you figure out puberty, bought you tampons when you were too embarrassed to ask your dad,  and basically gave you the how to on how to date and kiss what’s her face.” _It’s not like I had a choice.. “Hey dad, why is ___ happening to me?” “Hey Dad, I think I’d like tampons better.. Can you buy some for me?”_   _Yeah, Anya. That’s not embarrassing at all._

“Costia.”

“Yeah her.” The brunette rolls her eyes into the back of her head. Anya knew damn well what her name was. She just didn’t like the girl. Lexa never really understood why. It didn’t end badly or anything. Things just ended, she was the only person Lexa had ever dated somewhat seriously until now and that was in high school and her first year at West Point.

Lexa’s cheeks remain a rosy shade of pink as her hand once again sneaks up to the back of her neck at the memories. Trying to figure out girl things with her dad had been a challenge to say the least. She was glad she had Anya for that stuff if her mom couldn’t have been there.“That stuff was different.”

“Nah, we do girl talk little one. Get over it and spill.”

“Not on your life.” She didn’t really want to deal with the teasing the questions that were running through her mind would bring, and though she loved and trusted Anya more than anyone, she could be really irritating to try to talk to sometimes. No matter how good her advice was.

“Have you at least gotten to second base?” Lexa shakes her head and leans back in her chair with a pout instead of an answer. Her mind briefly traveling to the night they probably would have if she didn’t get startled like some idiot baby deer.  “No? Damnit. You lost me five dollars. Bitch.”

The car comes to a stop in the parking lot of the grocery store. “I hate you.” Lexa opens the door and gets out with a grunt. Her back entirely too sore to be doing much of anything besides laying down. Anya’s hazel eyes meet hers over the hood of the car as their doors slam shut. The older woman slightly amused at the pain getting her revenge but more so shooting a concerned look to her sister. “I really do hate you.”

“Na, you don’t. Even if you did, you’re stuck with me, Kiddo.” Anya wraps her arm around Lexa’s neck, the flightsuit a little scratchy on the brunette’s skin. Swiftly but gently Anya bends her little sister over over slightly to press her knuckles into the top of Lexa’s head, messing up the still damp hair tied back in a loose bun. She releases the younger woman with a playful shove as they walk through the automatic doors.

“Just for that you’re buying me a candy bar.”

“Worth it.”

“You get the potatoes I’ll get the stakes and I’ll see you at the register.”

“Ma’am aye ma’am” Anya gives a fake salute with her left hand loosely flipping at her brow as she heads off down to the produce section. _Why is she so annoying? Couldn’t I have gotten a normal person for a sister?_

Lexa finally finds the right steak and walks to the front by empty lines for registers her sister nowhere in sight. _Damn it._ Walking to the non-grocery part of the store and finds the woman lounged back in a folding lawn chair watching whatever movie they were playing on the sample TV’s. “Really?” Lexa remembered doing this when they were kids and Anya didn't’ want to go work out but felt too cheap to go actually see a movie. They would buy candy and some bagged chicago style popcorn and waste some time.

“What? I’m tired and you took like 20 minutes.”

“And you call _me_ little one. Come on. Let’s go.”

Lexa runs through the self checkout and Anya gets her a Take 5 from the vending machine. Munching on her butterfinger as she slides into the car she clicks her seatbelt. “Really though how is it going?”

“It’s good. She makes me happy.” The brunette puts her own seatbelt on with a quick warning look from her older sister. Lexa really wasn’t in the mood for another lecture today.

“I know that dumb ass but how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, Anya.”

“I worry ok. This is all a lot at once.”  Lexa opens her mouth to interject that she is an adult and perfectly capable of handling herself. However, the older woman cuts her off lifting a hand from the steering wheel signaling for the spitfire of a little sister she has to calm down. “I know you can handle it but I’ve never seen you like this with someone.  You’re going back in two weeks and you're walking funny.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Aiden wore me out. Big deal.” She shifts in the passenger's seat releasing a string of pops from her back that cause her to suck cool air between her front teeth not helping her cause any. The soldier settles as deep as she can into the soft seat with her sore back and stiff shoulders.

Anya pulls over to the side of the road in front of Lexa’s apartment locking the door as Lexa reaches for the handle to escape the oncoming conversation: forcing the younger girl to stay and talk this out. “Aiden is a 7 year old kid playing with you. He isn’t a fucking haji.”

“Not now, Anya.”

“No. I’m not burying my little sister because she’s a fucking dumb ass who thinks she’s better than she really is.”

“Have Nyko do it then.” Lexa retorts without much substance behind her words. They both knew she didn’t mean it. Lexa wasn’t as incompetent when it came to her situation as Anya suggested sometimes. Long fingers and a slender palm run over the older woman’s face as she sighs. Exhausted that they are still dealing with this and knowing that there is no getting through to Lexa in trying to talk her out of going back.  

“I just don’t want to see you heart broken if this doesn't work out.”

“Are we talking about Clarke now or my career?” The dirty blonde beside her shrugs as unreadable hazel eyes lock to green as the brunette tilts her head back in a challange. “Anya, I’m not messing around spit it out.”

“Message to Garcia.”

“That is such bull shit.”

“The army.” She runs her hand over her face again before it drops to the rest on the steering wheel. This was frustrating for both of them. They could go around in circles about this for hours but they both knew it wasn’t really a choice. Anya would be like this too if it had happened to her. They were always honest, maybe too honest, with each other and always called the other out on their shit but it had been a long year. The two women were exhausted. “Hate to break it to you but you and Clarke are done-zo. Don’t fuck it up. She’s your one.”

The mood lightens in the car as Lexa rolls her eyes at her older sister’s half teasing tone. “Jesus I know, ok?” The brunette reaches to unlock the door again only to have Anya lock it again clearly not done yet with the conversation.

Lexa bounces back into the seat with a huff, the back of her head tossed back into the headrest waiting for the next question sure to come. “Have you said I love you yet?”

“I've come close. She’s almost said it a few times.”

“Aw look at you: getting tied down and acting like a grown up.”

Leaning forward Lexa shoots her a glare- _I’ll leave. - Chill out, Lex. I’m kidding.-_ “Is it too early though? When did you and Gus know?”

“When I was like 14...I don’t know it was Gus. It just made sense.”

“God you two were so frustrating.”

The women laugh light heartedly at the memories of the couple everyone knew should be together except for the two of them. “We were weren't we… wait, you and Nyko bet on us, so did Dad so don’t act like you're above it.”

“On your relationship! Not your sex life!” Lexa cringes at the thought of it only to be met with a challenging head tilt from Anya in regards to her hypocrisy. “Fine. Fine.”

They sit in silence a moment lost in memories and thoughts in the warm air of the parked car. Anya breaks the silence with a drawn out yawn turning to look at her sister from where they had both busied their eyes with the landscape around the car. “You really ready to go back?”

Lexa shrugs, knowing her sister meant well and was curious about her likely change in the way she would be used. “It’ll be different. I like the 1 on 1 grunt stuff so much better.” Command was tough. She hated sending her guys out when she was stuck on base as it happened on occasion over the years.

“Yeah.” Anya nods understanding, it was a lot easier just to put yourself in danger then ask someone else to do it. “I still get to fly. It’s great.”

“Told you you’d miss it.” Lexa pushes her lightheartedly remembering a conversation they had almost two years ago now that a little less of a conversation and more of an argument.

“I would really have liked to have the option. Try not to rub that one in, yeah?”

“Yeah, my bad.” Lexa drops her head a little. She had gone too far with that one, she wasn’t really thinking. It was a bit of a low blow. Lexa thought back to her and Anya’s fight just before her last deployment.

\----------

_Lexa is drinking a cool beer outside on the porch to the room they had for yet another USMC birthday party. The air cool on her cheeks and the insides of her nostrils as she thinks about another year gone. “What you doing all alone out here kid?”_

_“Thinking.” She watches as the lights twinkle in the distance and takes another slow sip of her drink._

_The older woman walks slowly to the rail beside her giving her a little nudge. “Don’t hurt yourself.” Lexa just gives her a look over her shoulder - very funny, Anya. “And we aren’t in there celebrating because…”_

_“In a minute Anya, I just needed some air.” Lexa drops her head to study the label of the bottle slowly being rubbed away by her thumb and her free hand drifting to  the sterling silver cuff on her wrist._

_“You miss him.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Me too.” Her older sister pulls her into a little side hug and touches her nose and lips to the top of Lexa’s head-so used to coming into contact with the press of her fist instead. “He’d be so proud of you, little one.”_

_“You too, Ayn.” The brunette looks at her sister with a sad smile but the words mean a lot to her. Anya was just as much his daughter as Lexa was._

_An osprey flies overhead and the girls pause to watch with a sigh broken from their trance of remembrance. “I’m thinking about hanging it up.”_

_“What? Why?” Lexa fully turns to face her older sister now who is still watching the MV-22 fly away._

_“Gus and I… I’ve been doing this a while now and we are talking about starting a family.”_

_“You can still be a pilot and a mom.” The younger girl shakes her head and fights the urge to throw her hands in the air.  “You wouldn’t be happy if you weren't going mach 4. You live for that shit.”_

_“I don’t know, Lex.” She lets out as sigh willing to drop the conversation there but Lexa wasn’t having it. She just couldn't let it go._

_“No Anya, what are you gonna do? What the whole wife bit? Cook, clean, raise the kids while Gus is -“_

_“What’s so wrong with that, Lexa? Huh?”_

_“Come on, that’s not us. It never has been. You’d hate it, go crazy.”_

_Anya turns to face Lexa now, done with the conversation. Her little sister had to get it. She knew Lexa was all for the life but come on...“Hate a full nights of sleep in a bed with my husband for more than a few days a year? Real food? Getting to coach? Raise a family? Be there for birthdays and Christmas and I don’t know life in general? Do you hear yourself?”_

_“Do you hear you? You love flying, the smell of jet fuel, the way you almost blackout when going into a dive, climbing into the cockpit. You live for that. You love it.”_

_“I love Gustus more.” The two have turned around to watch the party now. Anya and Lexa focusing on the bear of a man talking with some of Anya’s squadron and sharing a laugh._

_“He would never ask you to hand in your wings.”_

_“He wouldn’t, didn’t. I am tired Lexa. We’ve been doing this our whole lives. When will it stop? When we are in our own graves? I’ve killed more people then I will ever know. We’ve lost more of our friends and family then is anywhere near ok. When will it stop?”_

_“Is that what this is about?”_

_“No. Seriously? I want to have children. With my husband.” She sighs as she takes a sip of her own drink and wipes her hand over her face before squeezing Lexa’s shoulder. “There is a training command in Washington. I can go there, couch a little later. Deployment isn’t the life I want anymore Lexa, things change. You’ll see some day.”_

_“So you’re staying in?”_

_“For now.”_

_“And Gus?”_

_“Its up to him but he has been looking into getting out, you know that.”_

_“Yeah. He mentioned this might be his last go round. Things are pretty messy.”_

_They were on the brink of another deployment cycle which seemed to come quicker and quicker now. “Yeah you guys will look at for each other though. Just like normal. It’s 6 months. Easy day.”_

_Anya was even deploying soon too and she had just gotten back from her last tour about a month ago. “When they have you shipping out?”_

_“A week, we are flying ops out of Bahrain.”_

_Inside the party erupts with noise as the two look inside to see tuck dancing with Carol and making a show of it. “Damn Jarheads.”_

_“Hey, watch it now, I’m getting up there but I can still kick your ass if you need it.”  She nudges into her younger sister again throwing her a little off balance. “Let's go have fun ok? It’s our birthday after all. No time to make babies like a birthday.” She winks as she holds the door open for her little sister, hazel eyes shining in content for the moment._

_“Gross, come on Anya. I’m trying to have a good time here. I don’t need that image in my head.”_

_There’s a hand on the back of Lexa’s head pushing her into the party playfully. “We’ve been married for almost 12 years now. Get over it kiddo.”_

\--------------

“I’m sorry, Ayn.” She meets the pain in her sister’s eyes with a squeeze of her shoulder.

“It’s ok. I’ll catch you later.” Anya reaches up to unlock the door she had continually trapped Lexa with as her thumb finds its way to her ring finger. Gently running over where a sleek gold band should be. She wasn’t totally willing to let Lexa go but the sorrow working in her chest at the thought of the life her and Gus would have had called for some time to herself. _Anya, I’m not leaving you like this. - Go. I’m ok. -_ Lexa responds with a curt nod as she opens the door to the warm spring afternoon, the breeze feeling fresh after sitting in the car. “Tell her.”

“Ok. Ok. See ya later, Ayn. If  you need anything-”

“I know. Just let me know how it goes.”

“I will. Drive safe.”

The older woman shoots her a half hearted wink “Never.” and with that she leaves Lexa shaking her head at her crazy mentor as she slowly makes her way up the stairs to her apartment.

A few hours later Clarke texts her that she will be over shortly so Lexa pulls herself off the couch where she had fallen asleep with heat on her back and sportscenter playing on repeat after putting the groceries away and texting Anya to check on her.

The tile of the kitchen cool against her feet as she cracks open a beer and starts making Clarke dinner. She really liked the idea of getting to take care of the blonde.

The old hinges to her apartment door creak open a room away as Lexa pulls a package of steaks from the cool refrigerator air.  Her stomach empty with hunger and excited to cook for Clarke for once. The blonde may be a great cook, but Lexa was really good at the grill. Her dad had made sure of that. She couldn’t wait to watch Clarke savor the food. The way the blonde’s eyes closed as she savored a piece of steak or the way she leaned back in her chair with a smile patting her full stomach after consuming as much pork as she possibly could was intoxicating.

These steaks would be good too. The tender meat cool below the wet plastic as she pulled it from the styrofoam plate. She had taken at least 10 minutes shivering in the cold meat aisle at the grocery store  picking out the choice cuts. As she sprinkles seasoning--garlic salt, a pepper blend, and a little bit of paprika--she wonders if she should have gotten more. Clarke missed out on her burgers at Tuck’s. _Did she even eat lunch?_  Lexa grimaced inwardly at the feeling of her stomach about to eat itself and she had even eaten lunch. She couldn’t imagine how hungry Clarke would be.. She hope Clarke ate something.

In her moment of distraction she looks down at the raw meat with the seasoning now done on the top half and peels them from the bottom of the styrofoam thing they were in. Before flipping the steaks she removes the bloody gauze stuff from the bottom as the steak juice swirls in the bottom of the dish making her stomach churn. She freezes, her arms unable to move, her hands incapable of dropping the dressing heavy with blood.

_“James! Stay awake, keep those eyes open.” The young 2nd LT presses her hands to the man's torso that now resembles more of a piece of Swiss cheese then a solid piece of meat, flingers growing slick with his blood. Maybe cube steak describes it a little better. She rips her blouse off and presses it to the leaking wounds desperately willing the bleeding to stop._

_This was her first post. James Taylor was one of her father’s closest friends. Uncle James. He had bought Lexa her first baseball glove. HM2 Gomez had to pull her away from the lifeless body somehow still bleeding. That part never made sense to Lexa._

_“LT, he’s gone. What are you going to do?” She tries to wipe her hands on the t-shirt hugged tight to her by sweat and the now dead man’s blood. The staccato pop of rifles fill the air as rounds wiz past them and their own empty casings fall into the dirt. “LT, make a decision, we have to move.” She looks back to the man again as the Corpsman’s hands shake her shoulders “WOODS MAKE A GODDAMN DECISION. HE’S GONE._ ”

“Lexa… Lexa… Babe?” Clarke takes the bloody dressing from her hands and tosses it into the sink where it lands from against the stainless steel basin with a thud and gently wipes her hands with a warm damp towel. “Lexa?” She wouldn’t ask if the girl was ok, because clearly she was not.

“Sorry, I’m ok, just thinking.” Lexa forces a breath down her now raw throat and out again slowly regaining her composure. Clarke’s hands still hold her shaking ones that feel so cool against the warmth of the blonde’s comfort. The smile the brunette attempts to force is almost painful it feels so wrong. “How was your case?”

“You were back in Afghanistan… weren’t you?”

“Crimea. My first tour, my first patrol. We were… we were ambushed… He was trying to save a little girl from the cross fire….” She shakes her head partially telling herself not to get into it but also trying to shake the memory from her head as if it were a cobweb. Getting stickier with each movement until it had to be pulled away with pinched fingers: leaving chills down your spine nonetheless.

“Lexa…” The brunette grips the counter behind her as the edge of the cheap countertop presses into her lower back. The warmth of Clarke’s hand is replaced at her cheek willing her to open her eyes she hadn’t noticed she had squeezed shut. Big blue eyes stare up into hers nearly welling up with tears. “I’m worried about you. Talk to me. Please… I want to try to understand what you’re going through. I want to help.”

“Clarke. You can’t understand. I know you think you want to but you don’t and you just can’t. Ok?” The brunette shakes her head slowly, voice soft and tired. Almost pleading. “No explaining or retelling will ever make you understand and I wouldn’t want it too. There is a reason we do what we do and part of that is for the people we love to never have to understand. To never be able to understand. I’m ok.”

“Don’t lie to me, Lexa. The flashbacks, not being able to sleep, getting startled… You are hurting and suffering and I don’t know how to help. I just want to help so badly. Have you talked to someone about PTSD?”

“PTSD. PTSD!? God when are you people going to get over that. I’m fine! I don’t need to talk to anyone about my feelings. I don’t need help. But you…You think I have post traumatic stress _disorder?_ I’m not some soft ass kid. I’m not fragile. I don’t need comforted. I didn’t go through anything traumatic, Clarke, just doing my job, that’s it.”

“ _War_ is traumatic. There is nothing wrong with-”

“There is _everything_ wrong with _me_ being weak. My people can’t afford that. Weakness costs lives. I’m a fucking soldier. I am a god damn green beret. I am a female green beret. Do you know how hard that was? I pretty much kill people and blow shit up and tell people to kill people and blow shit up for a living. War is what I do and I’m damn good at it. You have no idea.”

“Lexa, please…” _listen to me. Don’t close off. Please…_ “I’m not-” _calling you weak._  She had retreated a couple of steps back to give the woman space but Lexa had taken a few steps away from the counter in return.

“I’m fine. I don’t need to hear how broken I am! Not from you, not from Anya or Nyko, or Indra or Tuck or anyone else for that matter. You think I don’t know? I feel it every day - to my core - but I push past it, know why? Because that’s what you fucking do! Suck it up and move on. Shit happens. People die. Nothing will bring them back and taking time to “deal with it” is a waste--there is still a job to do or more people will wind up dead. That blood is on my hands and you don’t just wash that off. You can’t. Don’t you get that!? The dead are gone Clarke, and the living are hungry.” Her chest rises and falls rapidly as her anger leaves her panting. Her heart racing, it's beat echoing in her ears. Clarke’s eyes have gone wider than normal but the blond just stands there listening. _Go. Clarke. Go while you have the chance. You don’t deserve this. Save yourself._  Still the words pour out of her, hot and charged with fear fueled anger and guilt fueled self hatred.

“You think that just because I saw things, did things, and now I’m hurt means I can’t handle it? I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew what the risks were. I knew what the job is - what the responsibilities are. I did it all willingly and I’d do it again. And again. And again. There is no choice for me. It’s not a fucking choice. I was born to serve. I was born to die with my brothers. I signed up for this, I volunteered for it. There are people out there who still need me, my country still needs me. I just received official orders--if I can pass some physicals then I’m shipping out. I’m going back and this will be over.” Before she even realized the words had slipped out of her mouth Lexa’s mind raced. Did she really just suggest they would break up? That is the absolute last thing she wanted but that didn’t really matter to her right now. She was being challenged and she was sick of it.

“But you… you think I’m not strong enough? That I have a disorder from doing my _job_? My responsibility? What I’ve been trained to do my entire life? I don’t need you! Get out! I am just fine on my own. I was fine before you, and I’ll be fine after you’re done with me. I’m not just some patient you can fix. You hardly know me, Clarke. Why do you even care!?”

“Do you really want to stick around for this bullshit anyway? Me being gone all the time? Me dealing with the consequences of my job? I’m not going to give it up. Not for you. Not for anything.” _I am nothing without it._ “I would rather die.”

////

Clarke takes a step toward the raging brunette who takes a step backward in surprise before replacing her steps to be where she was before. The words stung, they cut at the blonde deep but she knew it wasn’t personal. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, _how could she even think that,_ but no way was that happening right now. She needed to show Lexa she could be strong for her when she was, in fact, breaking--even if she couldn’t see it… or didn't want to.

Lexa didn’t lash out, she was too controlled for that. This was a new monster entirely. Sure the girl’s default was angry or emotionless when she felt vulnerable but something else was going on--she had been asked about PTSD before—Clarke knew she always dismissed it but now the young soldier was unraveling and she couldn’t do much to control it. Clarke knew that terrified the brunette, disgusted her even.

This was hard for her, she was scared not for the newly announced deployment but for her potential failure out there. Lexa was terrified she wasn’t strong enough anymore. War takes its toll no matter how invincible you think you are, the brunette understood that. She got her guys help when they needed it and was a stickler for using the resources but she never did it herself. Lexa didn’t like being a hypocrite but she hated the idea of giving her troubles any validity by addressing them even more.  

In Lexa’s head she could handle it. She was Lexa Woods. Daughter of Alex and David Woods, war heros. She was born for this burden. She had no chance at anything else. And the idea of letting any of that down crushed her.

And though the words bit Clarke hard, her heart was breaking tenfold for the brunette in front of her whose chest was heaving and cheeks were red with anger.  Because, you see, she’s seen Lexa mad before. It is quiet, controlled, she almost speaks at a whisper--this is.. this is different.

“You always chew two pieces of gum and if you don’t have any it's the lower left corner of your lip. You take three sugars and three creams in your coffee no matter what size it is but you like it best mixed with Ovaltine and some french vanilla. You never tie your shoes but you don’t like when they scuff off your heel. You sit so your back is to something or so you can see the exit.” She takes another step further into Lexa’s personal space and she has to shuffle her feet slightly backwards getting nearer to the counter behind her.

“You eat with your left hand even though you’re right handed. You chew on your cuticles when you’re focused or bored. You love hugs but you pretend to hate them. You only like granny smith apples, especially with peanut butter. Breakfast is your favorite meal. The only oatmeal you eat is Dinosaur Eggs. You get hyper when you're tired. You only read the comics and the sports page of the paper but you listen to political talk radio. You like to sit on the floor.” Another step forward and the two women are sharing the same air. Clarke is firm and pressing but her eyes are soft. Lexa wants to run away from the care behind her words. She wants to push her away, fight her off but she can’t make herself move. Not even a little.

“You only drink white milk from the jug, but chocolate in a glass. You burn your mouth on your pizza. You like the sunrise better then the sunset. You’d give the shirt off your back to a perfect stranger then apologize that it was all you had. You love kids but you’re a little afraid of babies. You always look away from kissing scenes on TV. You know more about just about everything than anyone I know. You never take off that necklace. You doodle on your scouting notes. You always hold the door open for people. You make sure you walk on the street side of the sidewalk. You like to be held. ”

Another step forward and the blond’s toes are right against hers. Clarke’s eyes bore into hers now welling up with unwanted tears - _that better not fucking fall_ \- defiantly. “Do I know everything about you? No. But I want to, Lexa. Every detail about you. The good and the bad because the bad just makes me want to love you more. So push me away all you want. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You think you are dangerous, or that it should have been you, that you don’t deserve happiness or to heal but you're wrong.” Her arms wrap around Lexa and Clarke leans into the embrace as Lexa’s hands reach up to her shoulders to push her away. Fighting the comfort all the way as tears spill out of Lexa’s beautiful green eyes to roll down her now pale cheeks. Clarke only leans further into the push. The brunette’s strength easily capable of getting out of the hug if she really wanted too but Clarke still pushes back. “I see right through you, Lexa. You can’t hide from me. I _see_ you. You being vulnerable does not make you weak. You are so unbelievably strong and I see all of it. I’m here, I will always be right here.”

Neither of the two women had heard the door as they had gotten lost in Lexa’s pain. The young basketball player limps into the room dropping her bag off her back with a huff.  “I’m starving what’s for dinner!?” Clarke catches her immediately widening eyes and directs with a quick nod for her to get lost for a few minutes. “Oh… I uh forgot something in the car.” Triss backs back out the door not even bothering to grab for her keys hanging on the coat rack.

Clarke chuckles at the young woman before pressing her forehead to Lexa’s damp with beads of sweat as the brunette quakes in her arms “Lexa…I told you. I’m in this. I never want to be with anyone else. I want a house, kids, a dog, the whole nine. But this isn’t healthy. You have to take care of yourself.” Clarke moved to keep talking but an alarm is blaring from her hip. Glancing down she sees the emergency designator on the screen of her beeper. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Go.”

“Lex.”

“Go, ok? I’ll text you later.”

“You better.” Clarke presses a kiss to Lexa’s warm lips slightly cracked from a bout of sparring with Anya earlier in the week. The press is only half heartedly returned and Clarke thinks her stomach just fell through the floor and all the way to china.  “Make sure Tris doesn’t eat my steak.”

“Yeah, yeah, go.” The blonde refuses to leave it feeling so uneasy. She needed to focus at work and she knew she couldn’t if it wasn’t at least a little better between her and the brunette. “Clarke. Really. We’re good.” A wave of relief passes through the younger woman as she heads out the door.

A few hours and a lot of stress later Clarke scrubs her hands after a successful surgery. Some idiot on a motercycle decided wheelies on the freeway was a good idea. Nyko pats her on the back and offers kind words of praise. The blonde was quickly becoming his best and favorite student. Clarke wondered if he knew about the talk she and his little sister had just had would have made this interaction less than friendly.

Grabbing her shit from her locker and heading toward the door Clarke checks her phone to find a text she had missed before rushing into the ER.

**Lexa <3**

**Good luck, you’ll be great.**

Clarke feels her lips turn up in a smile. Lexa was really thoughtful even if they did kinda just have their first big fight. This woman’s heart was so big and she was afraid of it and Clarke didn’t understand why. She had so much love to give but she held back. It didn’t make any sense.

**Clarke**

**Just finishing up.**

 

**Are we ok?**

**Lexa <3**

**Depends.**

Clarke’s heart stops as she sees that Lexa is typing again. Oh god, she thought they were. She had to run out but that was hardly her fault. The hospital always paged at the worst times. It was inevitable if something important was going on.  

**Lexa <3**

**Tris ate your steak.**

 

**Are we still ok?**

A wave of relief passes through Clarke’s bones sending a chill down her spine as she lets out a breath. _Oh, thank god._  Rounding the corner to her apartment, the night air cool on her cheeks, she taps out a response.

**Clarke**

**That’s fine hahaha**

**I’ll just have two next time**

 

**You had me worried**

**Lexa <3**

**You don’t need to**

**Worry about me.**

_Someone has to. God knows you wouldn’t take care of yourself._ Clarke lets out a sigh as she enters her apartment and plops down on the couch that seems to swallow her and her sore muscles. Octavia shooting her a glance from where her head is poking out of her bedroom door. _You ok?_ \- _Later, O. - Ok. Night._

**Clarke**

**It comes naturally.**

**I care about you.**

 

**A lot.**

**Lexa <3**

**I’m sorry.**

 

**Clarke**

**What for? Me caring**

**About you? Don’t be stupid**

Clarke had planned on going over after she was done but that didn’t seem like such a good idea at the moment. This could go south real fast and she was exhausted. Her feet hurt. Her neck ached. She could really use some nice tea and a solid night's sleep. She knew Lexa didn’t expect her to go back over but part of her hopes that the brunette is disappointed.

**Lexa <3**

**Exploding. Making you worry**

**In the first place. I’m ok. Are you?**

**I said some messed up things.**

_None of it was directed at me though. Don’t beat yourself up. Please._

 

**Clarke**

**You don’t need to apologize.**

**I’m not mad at you, Lex. I just**

**Hate that you are hurting so**

**Badly**

 

**Lexa <3**

**This isn’t a conversation to**

**Have over text.**

 

**Clarke**

**You’re right worked so well**

**in person the first time.**

 

_Nope, Clarke. Definitely not the way to go with this one. Damn it._

 

**Do you actually want to talk about it**

**or are you just avoiding the conversation?**

 

**Lexa <3**

**It's not worth talking about.**

 

**Clarke**

**You have to eventually.**

 

**Lexa <3**

**Says who?**

**Clarke**

**Lexa, don’t be an idiot.**

 

**If I fall asleep I’m sorry.**

 

**Lexa <3**

**Go to bed.**

**Clarke**

**Ok.**

 

**Night then.**

 

**Lexa <3**

**Night.**

 

Clarke wipes her face as she slides below her covers, hating herself for the sarcastic response. Those definitely did not help the situation at all. She never liked fights but this one made her feel like shit. It hurt her chest. It made her sick to her stomach. Deep down she knew they would be ok but this was realy hard.

 

**Clarke, I’m sorry.**

**Sleep tight. Can I see you**

**Tomorrow?**

 

**Tris asked if you could come to Our**

**workout in the morning. Watch her run.**

 

**Clarke**

**Tris has my number.**

 

_Dumb ass. Should have left the period off. Thrown in a haha. Don’t be a bitch._

 

**Lexa <3**

**Ok, I want you to come to the workout.**

 

**Tris was an easy scapegoat.**

**Please?**

Of course she would go to the workout in the morning. Clarke hated this and if she was being honest she hated the idea of not sleeping next to Lexa tonight. She was just so warm, so… real. She knew it was early too but it was the truth. She never wanted to spend the night apart from the brunette again.

**Clarke**

**See you in the morning.**

**You’ll owe me coffee though**

**And have to drop me at work**

 

**Lexa <3**

**It’s a deal.**

**Good night, Clarke.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ACM - aviation combat maneuvers
> 
> cones- flight students
> 
> cover - hat military wear (google garrison cover for a pic of the one I'm talking about)
> 
> 2nd LT - first and lowest officer rank in the Army Airforce and Marines, equivalent to an Ensign in the navy. Basically Lexa straight outta west point
> 
> Message to Garcia - book most military personnel have to read at some point. about 90 pages long. Tells you not to ask questions and figure shit out on how to get the job done.
> 
> Aye - way to say "yes" to an order in the Navy and Marine Corps. Yes, old sailor talk is still in use haha
> 
> every marine a rifleman - motto of the USMC, meaning the principal mission of every marine is a warrior/war fighter first, this is attributed with the success of the marines in places like Bellawood and Iwo Jima where people step up and take the job if someone is killed or wounded. 
> 
> MV-22 ospray tilitotar- helicopter plane. Vertical and short landing and take off capable. 2x faster and 5x more range then previous helicopters. Used for a wide variety of mission sets. Pretty bad ass. 
> 
> if I missed any let me know :)


	18. Early Mornings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning with Lexa and Tris is always interesting, Clarke gets to tag along this time. 
> 
> Lots of teasing. Some more Lexa back story. Something I think ya'll are really going to like near the end ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few quick author's notes: I switched Lexa's rank to Captain from Lt. Col. Yeah it's not the same rank as commander but it's really not feasible for someone who has been in for less than 10 years to be at O-6 already and that would mess with the storyline later. Sorry for any confusion there. Also I'm slowly editing the earlier chapters and fixing mistakes I've caught when I recently reread it. Sorry guys. 
> 
> Anyway..... I hope ya'll enjoy this chapter. It's a little longer since it's been a couple of weeks too since you guys have been so patient. I had fun writing it, Tris is a little shit. Anyway, more plot and stuff will be in the next chapter so not to worry if this one doesn't quite do it for you. The one after that even I think will be another favorite. 
> 
> Please keep telling me what ya'll think. I really enjoy the comments and insights. Things are getting really busy for the next couple of weeks but I'll try to get the story updated as soon as I can. Again-love ya'll. Keep doin' you!

Tris walks from her room rubbing her eyes and pulling a shirt on over her incredibly messy messy bun. A yawn on her lips and feet shuffling against the carpet. “Why are we up so early?”

“To train. Hurry up.” Lexa sitting at the counter already up for 45 minutes, showered, hair brushed, teeth brushed, breakfast eaten, and fully awake can’t help but crack a smile at her unofficial protege.  

Lexa hands her her water bottle as she tosses an apple at the girl who is basically still asleep. Usually one to snatch it out of the air Triss bobbles the granny smith a few times between her before securing it against her chest as Lexa locks the door behind her.  “It is 5 am. On a Sunday.”

“We could make it 0430.” As she follows the girl down the stairs, knee and hip feeling alright for once. There’s no stabbing at her joint line with each bend of her knee or weight shift.  Her hip doesn’t protest the movement either. Maybe things are looking up.

“5 is good.” Tris pipes up with an unexpected amount of energy earning a small snort from Lexa.  They could probably go in later but the discipline to force yourself out of bed was familiar to Lexa. It made things almost feel normal, besides it gave you more time to get stuff done. And Tris didn’t know this yet but it was to help Lexa prepare for the odd hours of deployment, the younger girl just got the practice of getting up early.

Once in the car Tris closes her eyes and tries to find more sleep she missed out on the night before up facetiming some kid in South Carolina she went to high school with. Which made about zero sense to Lexa as the time zone made it impossibly late for both kids who had shit to do in the morning. Oh, well, she’ll learn eventually.

Before the kid can fall asleep Lexa turns down the radio “Can you do me a favor?”

Sitting up in her seat and rubbing the sleep from her eyes again Tris answers without much complaint of being woken up again at the trust behind Lexa’s words.  “Yeah sure.”

“I’m leaving soon, stay in my apartment while I’m gone. No partying, but it’s all yours till I get home.” With two hands on the steering wheel she looks over to see what she thought to be a smile by Tris relaxing back into the char eyes falling partially shut again.

“Deployment? I know and yeah I can do that.” She yawns, her voice hoarse as her body tries to pull her back to sleep.  Looking through a cracked eye at a stunned Lexa she explains with a nonchalant wave of her hand before it drops lethargically into the lap of her sweatpants. “I’m not an idiot. You’ve been killing yourself. I watch the news.” Lexa only shakes her head with a laugh, of course she knew. _What a little shit._

Out the side of her vision the older brunette catches the girl sitting up seeming to abandon the idea of a nap altogether. “Why do you train so hard when it’s that painful?”

“It’s not that painful.”

“Right and I’m Pistol Pete.” _Pistol Pete Maravich, really? That’s the one you’re going with?_ Tris laughs as she squirts some water into her mouth from her already worn out team issue Gatorade water bottle in amusement. “I live with you remember.”

“It’s worth it. It’s easy when you're training for someone else, the people next to you.  When the motivation and purpose is that I will be the hardest person someone ever tries to kill. The harder to kill the more I can do, the more people I can bring home. I think of the person I might not get to bring home if I didn’t.”

“Yeah, makes sense.” Tris is pulled deeper into her chair with some satisfaction to her ever too curious mind. “So is it Russia or some whatever-istan country.”

“You're too smart for your own good.” Triss rolls her eyes again as she lets out a snort. Lexa couldn’t really tell her but she gave the kid credit for actually paying attention. College tended to be a bubble where the outside world doesn’t really exist. It was like that at West Point even and it was their job to know what was going on. “We’re picking up Clarke.”

“I like her. Good Choice.” The younger girl grabs the cup of gum from Lexa’s cup holder and tosses a piece into her mouth before offering Lexa a piece before placing two in the older woman’s hand. Almost immediately a small bubble is blown and sucked back between her bright teeth with a loud pop.

A small chuckle fills the car as Lexa shakes her head. The brunette watches the sunrise peak over the horizon while she drives. The orange pink glow of the sky is so peaceful, not much can really compare, well maybe Clarke’s eyes when she looks into Lexa’s soul. “Glad you approve, Kiddo.”

“Kiddo? Really?”

“You call me Woody.”

“Fair enough.” Tris shrugs and cocks her head to the side as she considers the nickname. Woody is incredibly funny to her because it’s silly and Lexa is pretty much anything but silly. Most of the time at least. Sometimes she has seen a different side of her mentor and she wonders if that is what she used to be like before she grew up or if she came out the womb serious and showing no emotion. Hell, maybe it’s Clarke.

The car falls silent save for the music playing over the radio quietly and the echo of the car on the concrete road.  Lexa considers her choice of nickname. Anya called her little one still, sometimes even kid. Nyko calls her kiddo sometimes too but that feels different. Triss is by all means a goof despite her maturity in other areas but she’s mature enough it doesn’t feel right. Besides Nyko and Anya knew Lexa when she was practically in diapers, Lexa had only really known this girl for a little over half a year. “Kiddo doesn’t fit though does it?”

“No.” Tris mumbles already relaxed back into the reclined passenger seat pulling the collar of her sweatshirt up over her nose and her hood around her face.

“Whatever. Just go back to sleep.” Lexa finds herself laughing again at the still half asleep girl in the car next to her. She can’t shake how similar they were when Lexa was around that her age before her father’s death and the responsibilities that hit her at West Point really took hold of her life.

Lexa always felt it but Anya and the twins made sure she still was a kid, so did her dad. As much as they all did to prepare for a life in the military the older kids still did their best to make sure Lexa did some reckless, jouvinial things. She deserved that after all, none of them knew what her future held but everyone just knew it would be big. She enjoyed it too, all the preparation and the goofing around with her buddies but after he was killed she didn’t want that any more. It was her job to live up to the name now and it was time she started acting like it. Not that she was ever irresponsible but she had let herself have fun, more so then she felt she should have. That went away after that phone call in February. From then on Lexa pushed herself beyond every limit trying to become a warrior worthy of her name.

Tris was Lexa had she been set on a different path, a path of basketball instead of leadership and war. Of so many possibilities instead of a predestined path of crushing responsibility. ANd truthfully, Lexa wanted to protect that at all costs. This girl had a real chance and that is exactly what Lexa told herself she was fighting to protect. For these kids to get to do that instead of fighting a war that seems like it will never end. Living up to Lexa’s observations Tris tosses her feet up on the dash and crosses her arms over her chest. “Don’t gotta tell me twice.” _No. Of course I don’t._

Clarke is sitting on the front steps of her building wrapped in a hoodie. Her arms crossed over her chest as her knees pulled into her body. Little puffs of fog pass in front of her pink lips in the cool morning air. As Lexa pulls up the blonde stands to make her way to the car. Lexa reaches across the center console of the car to nudge the sleeping girl in the passenger's seat awake so she can get in the back seat for Clarke. Before she gets the chance to wake tris up Clarke is knocking on her window shaking her head and motioning to the back seat. Lexa unlocks the car and Clarke gets in leaning forward over the back seat to press a kiss to the brunettes flush cheek. “Good Morning.”

“Good morning, Clarke.” The blonde shudders in the back at the way Lexa always seems to savor the feel of her name on her tongue, the way the K clicks off the back end like no one else can produce. She passes a to-go cup back toward where Clarke is still leaning forward. “Brought you coffee.”

“We can still get some after the workout right?” Lexa shifts a little uncomfortably in her chair as she drives. Clarke’s head near her ear as she leans forward Lexa feels slightly off. She knows Clarke is no threat but in a car Lexa hates someone leaning over behind her. Something about it really makes her hair stand  up and her bones tingle. It always has. She remembers a time when Anya did it and she accidentally backhanded her sister on a knee jerk reaction after the older girl startled her. Anya had hit her back though, hard. Much to Anya’s approval Dad had just shrugged and said she deserved it.

“Of course.”

The blonde sits back but reaches forward wrapping her hands over Lexa’s tense shoulders. She presses her fingers into the sides of her stiff neck and back down again. The woman in front of her visibly relaxes into the touch as a soft sigh fills the car. “Sore?”

“A little.” Lexa nods as she pulls into the parking lot outside the fieldhouse. Clarke only chuckles because that is likely a huge understatement. As Clarke has had her hands on the woman’s shoulders for less than five minutes and she’s already found a more than a few knots. “I like it though.”

“Of course you do.”

As the care comes to a stop the youngest girl stirs in the passenger seat as she slowly wakes up, stretching and almost hitting Clarke with a stray arm. “Oh, hi.” She smiled tilting her head back so she can meet the blonde’s eyes. “Your steak was really good. You missed out.”

Lexa twists around to gage Clarke’s reaction. Leave it to Tris to bring up the night before. Her fears are eased when she finds an easy grin on Clarke’s face as the three get out of the car. Once the two in the front seat are out Lexa shoots her mini me a look over the hood-- _Tris_.-- A warning not to continue. Lexa was the reason Clarke didn’t come back over mostly and that fight isn’t really one to joke about.

“You actually let her eat my steak?”  Clarke teases with a hand on her chest feigning offence, her voice influxing past its typical raspy tone as they make their way into the warm empty building not yet open to the public. Lexa is thankful for the perks coaching has brought her - empty gym time. She tries to convince herself it’s for the convenience of it, not having to share with anyone or wait for a specific set of weights to open itself up.. It’s not. Lexa needs the privacy, to hide her embarrassment of where she is now compared to where she used to be, to not have to worry about anyone seeing her struggle.

Still, Lexa wipes her face with her hand _oh my god_. “Really the steak is what you’re worried about?” She asks with relief but some apprehension and a smidge of playful annoyance. Things got ugly only a few hours ago and now they are already joking about it?

Clarke catches Lexa’s eye with a soft look comforting her from her fear of the repercussions from the night before. Changing to a joking wink and an amused look as she follows along with Tris’s teasing. “What can I say? You can’t cook worth a damn but you can sure work a grill.” Clarke nudges into her side trying to toss the woman slightly off balance.

With crossed arms and a good natured pout Lexa shakes her head. “You just want me for my meat.” The innocent woman tries to joke back not quite catching the hidden implication behind her words until they are already past her lips and falling on snarky ears.

Tris doubles over as they walk to the bleachers next to the court and drop their stuff, her face going red with laughter. Lexa’s cheeks grow warm with embarrassment as her hand snakes up to the back of her neck. _Walked right into that one, dumb ass._ Clarke snorts and catches her laugh with a hand pressed under her nose to her top lip. A gentle smile attempted to be suppressed for Lexa’s sake who is stuttering as she tries to explain “Uh--that’s--um--you know what I meant.” It was embarrassing, sure, but if Clarke could always laugh like that maybe she would embarrass herself more often. _God she is beautiful._

Clarke only continues to chuckle as Triss can’t seem to find her breath. Finished with the joke the brunette slides her sweats down her legs and steps out of them. “Dropping your pants for me, babe? I know you’ve got a rockin’ bod but maybe not in front of the kids, ok?” Clarke teases as she winks overly suggestively at the deeply flustered woman bending over to put on her shoes. She only hears the high five passed between the blonde and the _child_ she is now regretting bringing along as new waves of laughter fill the usually so quiet gym.

“Yeah you guys can get to that later.” Lexa can’t even come up with a comeback to that. It isn’t but a second before a light pat on her butt where she’s bent over her shoe pulls her from her thoughts. “Just please for the love of god make sure I’m not home first.”

A lump jumps up in her throat choking her voice to a resemble pubescent boy’s “Tr-is.” She chokes out past shock as she finds gentle laughter in the blue eyes watching her in amusement. Lexa rolls her eyes and tries to wipe the red from her cheeks as her thumb and fingers find her temples and pause a moment at her high cheek bones.

“I’m not opposed.” Clarke tosses her hands up as the group starts stretching slowly. Lexa never used to stretch but she has to now or she can’t walk for a few days after. _Damn old bones._.. yeah.. _something like that._  

“Don’t encourage her.” Lexa crosses an arm over her chest and cranes he neck to the side releasing a string of pops. The two exchange a triumphant look before Triss is offering yet another high five to the blonde who quickly takes it. “You suck.”

“Damn right I do.” Clarke tosses another faux aggressive wink in the brunette’s general direction as Tris loses it again falling to the floor to stretch her legs. Clarke watches as those perfect green eyes pop almost completely out of Lexa’s pretty little head. “I’m sorry” she chuckles “but you walked straight into that one.”

“Maybe not exactly _straight_ .” Tris huffs earning another small laugh from Clarke and a glare from her mentor. _Well, she’s not wrong._ Holding her hands in the air Tris leans forward feeling the pull in the back of her not quite extended knee. “Ok, ok. I’ll stop. You just make it sooo easy.”

“Yeah, you’re a little easy.” Clarke teases just before holding her hands up as well. Tris catches a snort with the back or her hand pressed to her nose before it can turn into another fit of laughter. “Last one. Promise.”

“Unbelievable.” Lexa shakes her head and jogged to the end line to start some more dynamic stretches leaving the other two to do what they want. Tris just got cleared two days ago to start doing a little more on her knee but Lexa can tell the younger girl is nervous to test it out. Today could be a very easy work out for her, not so much for Tris, hopefully Clarke can help.

The older woman works into sprints as Tris continues to stretch under the watchful eye of Clarke, who also takes notice of Lexa’s stiff gait as she sprints out past half court, jogs back to the endline and goes again. The brunette continues with different variations of agility drills Clarke remembers from her time in lacrosse sprinting further each time before returning to the start.  

On the other side of her the younger brunette walks slowly to the free-throw line before starting a slight jog testing out the feel of the brace. She limps slightly at first but figures it out. Clarke can see the focus in her set jaw and the press of her eyebrows as she touches the other endline with her good foot and heads back. The jogging continues as Lexa is pushing herself past her visibly exhausted legs. Clarke catches her knee buckle more than once on the way back to the start.

Apparently finished killing herself Lexa walks back toward where Clarke shouts small instructions at Tris to run more naturally. Clarke can’t help but stare at the shredded core that seems to become more and more defined every time she gets a glimpse. “How’s she doing?”

The blonde hums in response. “Pretty good actually.” Lexa rests her hands on her hips as her breathing slows down and the thudding of her heart in her chest becomes slightly less concerning. She always wonders now if it can beat out of her chest through the opening in her ribcage. Lexa know’s it's healed by now but her heart seems to beat heavier since her chest was pierced by lead. “You’re shortening your stride with your bad leg.”

“I don’t have a bad leg.” She responds half heartedly as they watch the younger girl run. Clarke only snorts past the concept Lexa shared with her last time she brought it up _“I have my good leg and my other good leg.”_  For a moment the two catch each other's eye as Clarke challenges her bull shit. _Still don’t have a bad leg._ Lexa shrugs as she turns back to see Tris reach another endline.“She’s only turning on her left foot.”

“Lexa it’s her first day.” _Let it go._ Clarke pleads to the back of Lexa’s sweat covered tshirt. She can only shake her head as the two brunette’s jog next to each other. Tris smiling and trying to pick up the pace as her mentor joins her.

“How’s it feel?” Lexa runs a step with her hand on the girls back, an easy smile relaxing her own pressed brow as she tried to focus on her stride. Trying to extend her still perfectly good leg more naturally, stiff joints not exactly fans of the extra movement. _Damn it Clarke, why’d you have to be right._

“Pretty good actually.” She bounces a stride forward a little trying to see how the mechanics or running would actually feel. “You?”

“Good.” Though Tris isn’t sure if she means that she feels good or if she is glad triss feels good. They near the free throw line pony tails swishing over the top of their collars in unison as their strides match. “I want you to turn on your right foot this time.”

Lexa sees the girl swallow past a lump in her throat quickly shutting her mouth from attempting to verbalize a response and ducking her head forward in affirmation. The younger girl's shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath that escapes a bit shaky from her nose. _Come on, kid. You can do it. Trust it._

The younger girl’s right foot hits the wood, then her left as she starts to twist slightly, but instead of sticking her right foot to change directions she only half twists. Her knee dipping slightly before she limps two steps past the endline. A balled fist meets her open palm with a smack. “Fuck!”

Footsteps approach Lexa from behind as Clarke nears her side. “It’s ok, Tris.” She calls before whispering to Lexa. As she watches Tris wipe her face with the bottom of her shirt in similar fashion to the mannerism she’s picked up from her coach. “She doesn’t need to do that today. If she's not ready we'll just tailor her rehab to it. It's not a problem.”

“She does. She can’t be afraid of it.” Lexa says without dropping her voice to hide it from the girl who is clearly beating herself up.

“I’m not afraid!” The younger girls shouts with more bite to her words then intended. “I’m not.”

“Prove it.”

“Fine.” She walks back to the free throw line as Clarke and Lexa walk back to the endline to watch. Three times she tries and three times she jogs past the endline to a slow stop. Each time growing more frustrated. Fists clenching at her sides, jaw flexing, and breaths pressing out of a tightening chest. Eventually she rips the straps from her brace open and slings it to the side where it slides into the bleachers with a thud that fills the gym.”

“Still waiting.” Lexa removes her hands from her hips and turns her palms up in question challenging the girl all while muttering to herself. _You can do it._ _Get out of your head, Tris._

“Lexa.” Clarke hisses as if her words were completely uncalled for. They probably were but she knew Tris needed to be pushed. Either till she did it or she stopped trying. She had to get past the fear. Lexa had dealt with it herself when she tore her own knee up in high school, and then again when her leg had all but been made new within the last year. The girl tries two more times and fails to get past her own head. Her eyes brim with tears of frustration making the brown window into the younger girl a hundred times clearer - she’s starting to panic.

She’s stopped this time with her back to the two women watching as her hands pull to her face.  Lexa leaves Clarke’s side with a warning look to be careful with the struggling girl as a muttered “What the fuck is wrong with you?” echoes softly in the empty gym.  Tris’s mentor’s hands wrap gently around her forearms and pull them down from her face to find eyes so full of tears it's a wonder none have slipped down Tris’s red cheeks.

“Tris.” _It’s ok. Try again._

“I can’t.” She shakes her head and finds a spot on the floor off to the side to focus on. “What if…” _it tears again._ She hears the younger woman’s words without them needing to be said as she watches a drop of water fall from the girl's cheek and splatter on the floor.

“It won’t.”  She rests her hands on the still shoulders on the girl in front of her. Clarke only watches the interaction in awe. Tris can’t see Lexa’s expression or her eyes but they make Clarke’s heart swell. It’s so tender so full of understanding Clarke’s sure with one look everything the young athlete was feeling would melt away. It was those Same eyes she had gotten lost in in the supply closet at the hospital and again on her couch.

“I can’t..” _go through this again._ She mumbles as a warm hand on the back of her neck pulls her into a hug. Lexa had hugged her before when she had found a tear splattered floor not too long ago when Tris had informed her about her mother.

It’s only a second before Lexa releases her, hand still at the back of her neck as she bends slightly at the waist and knees till their eyes are level. The still watering brown eyes dart to the side focusing on the top of Lexa’s ear. “Tris, look at me. You can.” _You’re not going to need to but_ “I know you can.” Tris’s mouth falls open but before a response squeaks out Lexa shakes her head. “It’s not going to tear again. We’ll do it slow, ok?”

For a moment Lexa is thrust back a few months ago. _Sitting in her wheelchair before parallel bars a little over waist height she looks forward at Anya in front of her._ _Hazle eyes watching her carefully as she sits with her arms crossed over her chest. “I couldn’t even stand up earlier. What makes you think I can walk now? Take me back to the room, Anya. I’m tired.”_

_“No. Not till you at least try.”_

_“I did try! For two hours I tried!” She hadn't though. She had pretty much sat in the same exact place she was now staring at the bars and watching as other people practiced walking, some with two less legs then she had. It was pathetic. She was pathetic. At least that's what Lexa thought, and she had thought that a lot over the past two months she'd spent at the hospital. Fuck this. She grips the wheels of the chair hard trying to move but Anya, the sneaky bitch, had put something behind them so she couldn’t roll away. “I can’t. I’m not strong enough and it’s too painful.” Lexa shakes her head. “Just leave me alone.”_

_“Do you remember what you said when we were kids?”_

_“No. What the hell are you talking about, Anya? Please just let me go back. This is embarrassing. I can’t walk for christ’s sake. ”_

_“You were seven or eight. Me and the twins were jumping our bikes but you would just roll up to the top and stop. You did that about four or five times before I started heckling you and you cried and said you couldn’t do it because you were scared, remember?” Lexa doesn’t answer but she can see where this is going easily enough. “Then Gus, Gus, told you that fear was for babies and you balled your tiny fist up and hit him square in the chest, “I’m not a baby!” you were still crying though. Remember?” Anya chokes on her husband’s name ripping a little into Lexa's heart. Anya... she was so strong.. and the one person that seemed to be made just for her was gone. “So you took your little bike off that damn ramp like a champ. Lip trembling and all.”_

_“Yeah, and I broke my fucking collarbone.” Lexa spits as a smile spreads into Anya’s eyes. “Worked out great.”_

_“You still did it though, and you bragged to your little friends for weeks. Then before you were even supposed to be out of the sling you tried it again.”_

_“Yeah and I crashed that time too and busted up my chin.”_

_“But not as hard. And the third time you got it because you went for it, no hesitation. Fine, what about  the time you said you couldn’t do a left handed layup and ended up being the best damn player in the country?  Or the time you said you’d never get into an academy? Or when you tore your ACL and were afraid to do a step back jumper again, or -”_

_“I get it. Ok? I get it. I could do lots of things I thought I couldn’t. Big deal.” Lexa tries to reach around to unblock the wheels only to be stopped by the stiff brace wrapped around her center. “This is different.”_

_“Of course it is, Lexa. This is so much harder than all of that, but how are you going to get there if you don’t even try?” Anya softens her voice and places a warm hand on the girl's cheek._

_“I -” was trying. The brunette tries to convince herself even, probably even more then she was attempting to convince her sister._

_“No. You weren't. You were half assing it the entire time because you were afraid of looking like an idiot. Look around, there is no one else here. Just me and you. Now get your ass out of that damn chair and take a step. Just one. That’s it.”_

_“What if I fall?” Lexa felt tears coming to her face quickly wiped away with the back of her hand as her older sister kneels in front of her._

_“Then I’ll be right here to catch you, little one. Just like always.” Lexa strained against the chair leaving herself panting in only an attempt to stand up when hands slide below her shoulders and help her wordlessly to her feet. Her hands taking the smooth wooden bar at each of her hips. Slowly Anya allows more of Lexa’s weight to be supported by her own legs before Lexa even realizes she’s standing Anya is about two steps in front of her._

_“You didn’t catch me when you told me to try a 10 plus foot jump when I was fucking SEVEN.” Lexa tries to stall shifting her weight with a joke._

_“Yeah, but I’m a grown up now. Jive it a try.” So she does and she falls flat on her face but Anya caught her just like she promised. Lexa had started to say something about - see she couldn’t do it - but she was cut off as Anya helped her sit back down and kneeled in front of her placing gentle hands on her knees. “We’ll try again tomorrow and the next day, and the next day, and the next day and the day after that. We'll keep trying till you get it.”_

_“Anya, I might never..” - walk again. It was true. The doctors had all said it multiple times. Her hip and knee were wrecked and her back was a whole other story with the nerve damage and whatever else._

_“I don’t believe that for a second.”_

“We’ll do it together. I’ll be right here. You just have to trust it.” The smaller girl's head nods twice as Lexa’s hand drops from her neck to press gently on her shoulder turning her back toward the line and dropping her hand to tap her butt encouragingly as she starts a trot back to the starting spot as Tris follows half a step behind wiping her face with her sleeve.  

Tris lines up on the free throw line about to run into the turn again when another hand rests on her shoulder. Standing from her ready position she finds Lexa shaking her head. “One step at a time. Go slow, get a feel for it again. There's no rush.” Out of the corner of her eye Lexa catches Clarke smile and cross her arms watching the curious change in demeanor in the way she acts toward her player. “Right foot. Left foot. Stick. That’s it.” She demonstrates slowly standing at the end rather than cutting back in the direction she came.

“Ok.” She nods as lexa steps to her left side so Tris can watch her step into it as she counts. The younger girls steps matching Lexa’s as she counts. _One. Two. Stick._ Her hips sink toward the floor with a slight bend in the knee which is likely the part physicing the younger girl out. This is how it tore in the first place anyway. Tris’s knee doesn’t bend as deeply as Lexa’s at first put with each rep she relaxes a little more and gets deeper as Lexa counts off a little faster.

The older woman stops doing it but continues counting off as she watches giving little reminders to keep her hips over her knees, make sure her knees don't bend inward on the stick, keeping her chest up, etc. On the last one Tris sinks and bounces back the other direction just a little. “Ok. Quarter speed on your own. Nice an' easy.”

Tris nods as she starts again, Lexa’s heart clenches in anticipation - _Come on kid, you’ve got this._ Tris steps into the turn and Lexa feels her breath catch in her lungs her right foot sticks and her knee bends. Slowly her hips open up back toward where she came stepping down with a slightly awkward crossover. The part is easy to improve. The girl just has to get her strength back and learn how to use her knee again. It won’t be long at all before she is back to full speed and Lexa could not be happier for the little baller.

A huge smile breaks out across the girl's face and Lexa’s shoulders relax as she breathes a sigh of relief. _Atta girl!_ She turns and gives a small fist pump to find Clarke who is grinning almost as large as Tris is as she claps a few times - _well done, coach_ . Lexa shoots a smirk in her direction _and you doubted me._ “Alright, that’s enough for today I think.” Triss nods in happy agreement and Clarke shakes her head, it’s almost as if she wasn’t even here. She wasn’t mad though. She loved watching Lexa with kids. Tris wasn’t a kid-kid but it still counts. Her heart shows and it leaves Clarke utterly in awe.

Two walk toward their stuff grabbing their bags and hanging them loosely over their shoulders practically mirroring each other. Lexa’s arm hangs over the younger girl’s shoulders as she reaches across her own body to give a high five which the player meets happily. “Thank you.”

“That was all you, kid. You just had to get out of your head.” She reaches up to grab just over the loose ponytail on Tris’s head as she pushes forward making her duck slightly forward as they walk reminiscent of the nuggies Anya still insists on giving her.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Are you guys lifting?” Clarke asks as the girls up ahead look at each other before they check back toward the blonde answering yes simultaneously as if it was the dumbest question to ever be asked. “Good to know.” Clarke laughs as she follows behind them.

The lights snap on in the weight room. “So, Clarke…” Tris smiles as she takes a sip from the drinking fountain, Lexa pulls her sweats back on and wipes the back of her neck with a towel. Tris catches a small warning look from those narrowing green eyes but decides to ignore it. “You actually going to work out or you just gonna sit there and watch?”

Lexa chuckles at a chance to gain up on the blonde with jokes for once “She has a point, Clarke.” She shrugs as she drops to her hands and knees before getting into front leaning rest. “I mean I know golf is a spectator sport but…”

“Is it even a sport?” Tris asks taking a seat in the leg extension chair. "They don't even carry their own clubs." She shakes her head as if it were a shame. "I mean cheerleading is more of a sport than  _golf._ "

“How original of you two _and_ we did carry our own clubs, thank you very much.” She sticks her tongue out and crinkles her nose. Lexa nearly drops to her knees as she watches the woman put headphones in with a quirk of her eyebrow as she heads to the bike. _Damn she’s cute._ It’s not like it takes a genius to see that though. Anyone with eyes could surely see that the blonde was incredibly beautiful.  Lexa loved the way her hips slightly swayed as she walked, the way she stuck her chest out just a little - not that she needed too, her chest was.. _Amazing. It is amazing._ Especially as she leans over the bike her tank top's neckline sagging slightly with the pull of gravity and Lexa can’t pull her eyes away. But she does, however, to take in the little curls of blonde hair sticking to Clarke’s pale neck as she works up a sweat. The way her tongue sticks out of the corner of her as she focuses on adjusting the settings. The way her long fingers wipe her hair back from her forehead just to have the light baby hairs fall right back in place.  

“Woody. Quit staring.” Tris hisses at a whisper and kicks Lexa in the side from where she sits on the weight machine, knocking Lexa over onto her side as her elbow buckles dropping her from her front leaning rest. Lexa’s arms completly exhausted from the pushups she had pressed out a few minutes ago and the ones she had tried to wear herself out with earlier that morning when she couldn’t find sleep.

“Shut up.” She looks back over her shoulder at the girl struggling to extend her leg forward. Lexa leans back on her hands and watches as Tris’s brow forming beads of sweat as her knuckles whiten against the handles at her sides. Her hips lifting slightly from the seat as she strains her neck forward. “Take weight off if you need to. You need to get full extension.”

“I’m fine.”

“Right.” The weight drops as Tris relaxes her knee and fills the small room with an echo even Clarke can hear over her headphones as she looks up to offer a smile to where Lexa has moved on to v-ups. Tris liked to tease her about how much she worked on her core - _“One order of washboard abs for Dr. Hottie coming right up.”_  - however much Lexa liked the way being fit made her feel a strong core helps with a weak back, the abs were just a bonus. Not that she let anyone really see her shirtless anyway. A semi defeated huff comes after another attempt at the weight before Tris reaches to drop it down a plate.

It isn’t long before Tris is standing over Lexa as she lays on the bench below the bar. The younger girl standing absent mindedly over her mentor as the bar seems to bounce off her chest as she presses her upper back into the padded bench, arms burning the whole way, shoulder popping annoyingly as the bar descends in another rep.

“You think I could make it in the army?”

“Depends.” Lexa huffs out as she presses the bar off her chest.

“So no…”

“No,” The bar hits her chest again as she struggles to get her elbows extended. Tris’s hand drops down and hovers just below the bar halted from helping with a quick look from Lexa. The bar finally gets up the right side slightly after the left as the older woman finishes her answer  “depends on what one you want.”

“Like you.” Without even bothering to try to get the next rep in Lexa allows the bar to fall against it’s rests and sits up. Sweaty hands leave damp spots on her shorts as she wipes them and spins sideways on the bench to face the girl leaning up against the squat rack sucking a bubble back between her teeth.

“Tris you don’t need to follow my footsteps. You really could go pro.” The two work to adjust the bench to squatting, Tris done lifting for the day and Lexa wanting to get a good last set in. She just hopes Clarke is too busy doing her own workout to notice the squats-she wouldn’t be happy.

Putting the weights on Triss stops to look across the bar at Lexa who adds the same, hands resting atop the rubber coating of the plate. “You could have too. Still could probably. I know you turned down a full ride to Uconn for West Point. And Jess was saying you could have tried for the Olympic team but you picked the Army instead.”

“That was a long time ago.” Lexa sighs as she steps below the bar adjusting her hands to the outside of the grips and putting the bar on the bruise she feels at the base of her neck from the last time she squatted.  She could have. Lexa knew she was good. They’d have let her played and do the reserves while they trained for the olympics. The army had a program for that but that wasn’t why she joined. They were going back to war and she had the chance to be a Green Beret. It broke a little part of her heart to give up that chance to go to the olympics but who was she kidding… she was a warrior through and through, basketball just was something she did. Or that’s what she told herself when she would wonder what her life would have been like. “Anyway I thought you wanted to be a surgeon, they always need surgeons anyway. But between that and what I do... The jobs are pretty much opposites.”

Stepping out from under the bar Lexa turns to look at Clarke who is doing squats on top of a bosu ball. The older woman rests her elbow on the bar and sees Tris watch the blonde as well completely unaware of the thoughts running through her mentors head. Clarke saves lives and Lexa takes them. Clarke is too good for her in every way possible and Lexa feels like a liar not letting the blonde know she can do so much better. 

Tris snaps Lexa from her thoughts with another loud pop of her gum. Lexa gets back under the weights and the younger girl only shrugges. “Not really. It’s helping people.”

“Tris… to do what I do… you have to be ok with killing people.” She stands lifting the bar from where it rests and steps backward a little. “A lot of people. Anyone could be a target.”

Lexa dips down focusing on form as her back pulls and scolds her for being a dumbass. _Suck it up._ “Isn’t that how war works?”

She lets out a breath as she stands back up to the top before dipping down again, the brunette moving around to the outside of the rack. “It’s not-” Another squat with more pulsing in her back with increasing intensity of the invisible knife twisting just below her ribcage along the centerline  “-that simple.”

“Why not?” She asks as Lexa does another rep, struggling to extend her not quite as good leg fully. “They are bad people doing bad things.”

Sweat is running down the valley of Lexa’s spine and darkening the top of her shorts as she steps forward to rerack the weights unable to focus on lifting and this conversation at the same time but also needing to add more weight. “It's not about killing what's in front of you-sometimes it is truthfully- but all the time it's about defending those beside and behind you. They fight for different things then we do but some of them are in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Tris only looks at her as they slide the remainder of the weight onto the bar. “I can’t explain it. I used to do that, take away the humanity, it makes it easier, it does but if humanity goes away how am I any better then them? Sure some of the guys do it to try to get past it but I don’t like the person I am when I do that. Most don’t. It is scary.”

“Is it painful? To kill someone?” She finds herself in front of the weight this time. 200. _This should be easy Lexa. Come on._

“Sometimes, but something I learned a long time ago is that pain is what tells you you are alive. If it doesn't hurt I’d be more worried. The day it stops hurting again... I hope I am never alive to see that day. They deserved to be punished, yes. And I’m more then willing to bring the hurt to them but I feel it with every body that hits the ground. It is complicated.”

More then finished with the conversation Lexa stands again knee wobbling slightly at the weight. _Don’t be a bitch_ . _Tuck is 240._ Down. Up. _Fuck me, this hurts._ Down. Up. _It’s not about you._ Down. Up. It’s for _your brothers. Nut up. Let’s go._

“Why though? That doesn’t make sense. Can’t you just kill the bad guys and call it a day?”

“No. Tris. You can’t.” _Two more come on._

“Why not? I don’t understand that.” Of course she wouldn’t, there is no way too unless you’ve been there. Unless it consumes the majority of your thoughts - how do be a good person and do what you do - how to get the job done and not lose yourself - how to take care of those people without making things worse.

Racking the weights again she catches her breath a moment and dives into an answer Tris may not like. Most civilians don’t. “They use civilians as shields. They hold meetings in schools and Mosques and hospitals. We tell noncombatants to leave, they threaten to kill them if they do. There are a lot of hindrances. Sure, we could just go fuck em up like the cowards truthfully deserve but maybe we’d catch more people in the crossfire and that can’t happen - it happens too much as it is. You could argue that the ends justify the means but we are better than that. We play by the rules as much as we can. We hold a certain moral standard and if we compromise that we deserve to lose. Hell, once you compromise your honor you've already lost. It doesn't matter if you live or die at that point as far as I'm concerned.”

“Rules like what?” Lexa can’t help but stare open mouthed at the girl racking more weight across from her. “What? I want to know.”

“Ok so you and your guys are on a patrol, you get in a firefight. Our ROE says not to shoot anyone unarmed or injured. They also say that we are to get their wounded medical attention.”

“So…?”

“So they know that. If they get shot they wait for us to check them and they shoot or they blow a grenade or they stab your guys. Guys you are responsible for to get back home. Your brothers. You want to make the order to double tap every single one of those ass holes on sight, wounded, armed or not because they fake it and it is killing your people. They are a bunch of cowards with no honor at all but you can’t do that. You can’t compromise your morals and you lose people because of it. Not to mention getting prosecuted as a murder if anyone were to find out. ”

“Or how bout this a woman is walking toward you screaming and yelling about helping her baby. There is a bundle in her arms but you can’t see any skin. It looks like a baby but it also looks pretty heavy. You can’t tell. You tell her to stop multiple times but she keeps advancing toward your platoon. You keep telling her to stop and unwrap the item but she is hysterical. She could be upset about her sick baby or it could be a bomb. Do you shoot her or do you let her approach your team keeping in mind that if she's not carrying a bomb you'll be tried for killing a civilian and leave a baby without a mother?”

The girl thinks for a moment, gnawing on her gum, before nodding to herself with confidence. “Don’t shoot.”

“You just killed everyone with you. 12 men dead. I shot her, that way at least it was me getting trouble not one of my guys. That burden of innocent death would have been on my head, but it was a bomb. If it wasn’t though I’d have been put on trial and face going to prison for murder of a civilian. Not so easy now is it? I have hundreds of these stories and calls like that one. Some I got wrong, some I didn’t. It is not easy and it’s even harder to deal with later.”

“Look, kid, decisions are easy to make when it is between right and wrong. There is no decision really, but what if there is no right answer? What if each choice is morally sound or maybe not so much? What then? What happens when you operate in the grey but the grey looks dark to those back home or the ones judging from behind a desk?”  

Clarke jogs over and pulls out an ear bud as she comes into Lexa’s peripheral vision. “You two actually working or just standing around talking.”

“I was just helping Tris with a career decision.” Lexa grabs her shoulder and gives it a warm squeeze. “She thinks she might want to be a surgeon.”

"Really? That's awesome. I'm sure we can get you in an OR sometime if you want." Without more of a muttered “yeah” for an answer from the girl still deep in thought Lexa ducks below the bar once more to finish her last set. Tris slides in behind her knowing she’ll need a spot for sure. She saw how her mentor’s knee shook the last round, the vein sticking out in her forehead as she fought against her throbbing back. The brunette just grits her teeth and stands up backing away from the bar. _You can do this. 6 reps that’s it._

After the first squat her hip is shooting pain down her leg and up her side. It feels like a knife is lodged below her ribcage on her right side and she thinks of how easy it would be to just let the weights roll off her shoulders to bounce off the ground. _Not a fucking chance, Woods._ _5 more._

“There you go Woody.” Makes it into her ears as they fill with ringing dipping into her next rep. Her back is killing her but she’s gotta be able to do this. If she can’t lift something lighter then Tuck how can she know she can still carry his weight if he needs her too?

As she bends her knees a gain a small grunt passes her pressed lips “Ahh.” If she was being honest it was more of a cry. Lexa wasn’t though, when was she ever about her body anymore? But she didn’t need too be, not a moment later there were hands at her sides supporting her as she tried to finish, her neck straining forward struggling to stand back up. _Don’t you fucking quit._

“I think that’s enough for today.” Clarke’s deep voice speaks firmly against her ear, her hands still resting on the sides of Lexa ribcage.

“One more.” She grits through her teeth. Relishing in the warmth of the blonde behind her, feeling that with her support she could do a million of these but also knowing that she probably couldn’t make it back to the rack without her help.

The blonde says nothing as she moves to the side as Tris gets the hint and does the same, lifting some of the weight from Lexa’s shoulders as the three of them rack the bar. Disappointment and a hint of anger throb through Lexa’s body with the stabbing pain. “I could have gotten it.”

 _Bull shit. You can hardly stand up right now._ Lexa’s mind bounces back to a time in the hospital when she was so frustrated with the weakness she had asked if there was a better chance she could go back if they just took her leg. She read about a Marine who did it, he was back in Syria just outside a year. _-“Fuckin chop it off if that’s what it takes! I don’t care! At least that leg will be bulletproof.” -_ But that wouldn’t work either. She was fresh out of options, except waiting and hoping for a miracle _._ And now here she was again, hoping to god for another miracle to somehow get her through this deployment. But maybe, getting through this deployment meant mentally while she was stuck at a desk instead of physically being in the field- and maybe just maybe, that miracle was Clarke.

“Like hell.” Tris snorts at her coach being scolded for pushing too hard - _someone had to do it_ \- only to be smacked on the back of the head by Clarke. “Don’t.” The younger woman doesn’t need to be told twice and empties the bar without a word as Clarke walks with Lexa to their stuff by the drinking fountain. “You ok?”

“Nothing a little ice can’t fix.”

“You and your ice.” Lexa sighs as a quick kiss is pressed to her cheek and strong thumbs press into her back through her shirt rubbing the length of Clarke’s reach along Lexa’s stiff back. Lexa sucks in a sharp breath at the press initially before relaxing into the pressure. “Take it easy the rest of the day, ok?” The green eyed wonder dips her head in agreement before mouthing a thank you. Lexa pulls her soaking wet shirt from her body and quickly replaces it with a dry fit long sleeve that feels about a thousand pounds lighter. She does however catch piercing blue eyes raking over her body and glances up to meet them, a blush forming on Clarke's cheeks once she realizes she got caught.

“Woody, I think Dr. Hottie likes what she sees.” Tris laughs as she walks between the two still holding eye contact to hold the door open for them to follow. "One order of sweat glazed ab-" 

“You _will_ walk.” Lexa warns with an incredibly threatening tone that only pulls a laugh from the other two women as they walk. Sure the brunette was intimidating but Tris knew better and so did Clarke. She was really just a puppy at heart, no way would she hold to it. “It’s about 7:40. When do you have to be to the hospital?

The cool morning air hits Lexa cheeks already warming in the gentle sunlight stretching over the trees around the campus. “9, but if I’m in early I can finish faster.”

“I bet you can.” Lexa watches as Clarke's cheeks turn to a deep shade of pink as she slides into the passenger's seat and knocks the side of her head on the top of the car.

“Tris. Shut up.” _That doesn't even make sense._ Lexa grabs the girl's bag off her shoulder and tosses it in the trunk as the girl lays down across the back seat, feet leaving small foggy footprints where they rest against the window. The warning falls on practically deaf ears however. The girl is already shutting her eyes to fall back asleep. _Unbelievable_.

A few minutes on the road Lexa pulls off into the parking lot of the gas station that she frequented a couple months ago 100% only for her need of ice. The nice thing even now is that Clarke and her don’t need to talk. The car ride is a comfortable silence so far and as she starts the gas Lexa pops her head in the door. “You want anything - besides coffee?”

“No it’s ok. I’ll just grab something at the hospital. Thanks.” An easy smile plays across those green eyes. Lexa nods briefly before disappearing into the gas station a stiff hitch in her step despite her legs feeling more like jello than anything that could be considered stiff.

Quickly she returns to the car handing one of the two coffees across the center of the car before tossing a glazed donut onto the half asleep girl’s chest in the back seat. The kid opens her eyes a moment to smile a thank you to Lexa before silently eating the doughnut, eyes still closed.

Clarke holds the brown styrofoam cup to her face taking a long whiff of it’s aroma before crinkling her nose at the gas station coffee eyeing lexa wearily. “Oh my god you _are_ a coffee snob.”

“Am not.” Clarke pulls the cup down to hold it in her lap watching Lexa take a sip of her own before looking down at the steaming cup in consideration.

“Sure. Just try it. It’s good.” The blonde slowly takes a sip, swishing the beverage around her teeth. Lexa can’t help but think how chue clarke is in her passenger seat, thinking hard about coffee of all things fairly early in the morning, hair still a little damp from their workout, one of Lexa’s favorite army hoodies hanging loose from her figure. She hadn’t realized the blonde had worked out enough to work that much of a sweat. She smiles to herself with an opportunity to tease the woman passing through her mind as easily as the coffee slid over her tongue.

Clarke lets out a low hum with the coffee making its way down her throat. “Good yeah?” A blonde head bobs forward in the side of Lexa’s vision. “Told you.”

“Lex I can feel the sugar on my teeth.” She chuckles as she takes another drink. “What did you put in this?” The girl laughs, her blonde waves falling out of her ponytail bouncing softly around her face. Her blue eyes seem to glow in the morning sun shining through the dusty windshield.

“Top secret recipe, sorry Clarke.” Lexa grins before taking another sip of her own coffee that dribbles down her chin leaving a few drops on her faded grey t-shirt. Quickly she puts the coffee between her legs, her old car lacking cup holders if she’s using the charging port - which Tris is, of course, _anything to make my interactions with Clarke more awkward._ Not that Lexa needed any help in that area. The struggling brunette wipes her chin with the back of her hand, fighting the blush exploding on her cheeks at Clarkes laugh as the blonde’s hand reaches between Lexa’s legs to grab her coffee pinched between her thighs. Her hand brushes Lexa’s inner thigh which only causes a  coughing fit as Lexa swallows the rest of the hot drink down the wrong pipe. _Smooth._ Tears squeeze out of the corner of her forest eyes at the lack of air reaching her lungs, apparently deciding that she would rather inhale her caffeine this morning.

“Here.” Clarke hands her a napkin which she accepts promptly wiping her face and dabbing at the edge of her collar. “You’re so cute. Who knew..” Lexa swears she sees the blonde shoot another wink at her but she can’t be quite sure so she lets her eyes shift to the side of her, slowly followed by the rest of her attention as she catches those perfect blue eyes smiling at her with a softness only Clarke can manage. Unfortunately, though, Lexa is pulled from the moment of getting lost in the calming sky of Clarke’s eyes abruptly as the rumble strips on the side of the road so rudely interrupt their moment and snap her attention back to the road. Both her hands flying to the steering wheel to distract from her embarrassment of being so lost in the woman beside her she forgot how to drive for a moment, breathe too, but no chance in hell was she about to admit that.

“Soldiers aren’t supposed to be cute, Clarke.” She swallows and readjusts her hands on the wheel - slipping back to her mask as her stomach flutters with embarrassment. Chlake only reaches across to take her hand and pull it into her lap. Effectively pulling Lexa back from her stoic exterior, an easy expression falling over the brunettes face.

“Whatever you say Commander.”

“Cap-tain, I’m no squid.” Lexa turns her head again to see a monumental eye roll she is coming to know as a staple Clarke reaction to just about everything.

“Oh, shut up and try not to run us off the road.” The blonde teases as she gently drops Lexa’s hand and pokes her cheek to turn the woman’s face and shining green eyes back toward the road. Lexa’s hand finds its resting place on the inside of the blonde’s knee. Slowly dragging her thumb back and forth over the smooth pale skin slowly growing goosebumps. She was completely unsure how Clarke was with cars since the accident she had shared with Lexa. Lexa just hoped she hadn't caused the blonde any discomfort. 

Clarke leans back in the chair with a content hum and closes her eyes pulling yet another smile to Lexa’s face. She can hear Anya’s teasing already. _You’re a giant fucking dork, you get that right?_ _Jesus fuck, Lexa._ At this point in time, with Clarke’s hand resting on her forearm as he dozes off next to her, Lexa is no where near finding it in her to care. Not even a little.

She hadn’t slept the night before. Worried sick about her explosion. She had been sick to her stomach all night. Tossing and turning in her bad that suddenly felt so empty without Clarke’s body beside her. She can’t help but let her mind wander to other empty beds. _God if this is even a fraction of how Anya feels without Gus…_

Lexa doesn’t really know how her sister dealt with it. She guesses it explains why she never left the hospital, choosing to sleep next to Lexa or in the chair next to her bed or on the bench/windowsill thing in the corner of the room. She had even caught Nyko holding her one time when a nurse woke her up to check her vitals because her heartbeat had dropped too low. She had smiled at who she thought was the older of the twins. _“Hey Gus, where you been?”_

_Both Anya, who wasn’t actually asleep turned to face Lexa cheeks clearly stained with tears, and Gus’s - Nyko - face had dropped and gone completely ashen despite their natural complexions. Nyko had reached out and put his large hand over her forearm with a sadness so deep Lexa had felt it suck her own sleepy content in like a black hole. “Lex.. Gus is dead.”_

_“What do you mean you died, you’re right here.” Tears drip from the large man’s eyes as he shakes his head. Lexa almost rolls her eyes at what she thought was a charade, Gus always could fake cry.  “Where’s Nyko? This isn’t funny Gus. Cut it out. I’m not that high.”_

_“Lex…” Anya had spoken softly as if trying not to shatter the very air between them. She was at a complete loss of how to break it to Lexa. She thought she knew. She thought Lexa just wasn’t saying anything for her sake. How are there words for this? After everything…_

_“Prove it.” Nyko turns his arm over to reveal the scar on the inside of the joint. Nyko had gotten it when they had jumped a fence somewhere in the forest when they were stationed in Germany. Lexa closed her eyes trying to wrap her head around the missing part to the “core four” being gone for good. Only shards of a memory rocket through her head. Gus cut down in front of her. She could see a blur of a body fall to the ground just over the toes of her boots from where she lay on her back in the dust growing muddy with someone’s blood: struggling to lift her gun before her fingers were smashed with a kick, the gun too far out of reach to protect her now… “No… God damnit.”_

_“We spread the ashes back by the beach house. They found the body when your replacement extract swept the area. You were already gone by the time they got there. There was a lot of blood. We didn’t know if you had made it and when there was no news for a month and a half we cremated him.”_

_“Why didn’t you say anything?”_

_“We thought you knew. I’m so sorry Lexa.” Anya was sitting now though still embraced by Nyko behind her. The wounded soldier couldn’t figure out why Anya was consoling her, it was her husband, the love of her life, her best friend that was gone and Lexa had a terrible feeling that it was her fault. It always was. Her older sister’s gentle hand runs over the top of Lexa’s head as Nyko continues to rub her arm, his other hand still resting just above Lexa’s wrist._

_“No, I’m sorry, Anya. I told you I’d bring him home. I failed. Again.”_

_“No, little one, you didn’t. There wasn’t anything you could have done.” but Lexa had known deep down there was, she had messed up somehow and cost her brother his life even if she couldn’t remember how yet. There had to have been something she could have done._

“What you thinking about in that pretty little head of yours, huh?” The blonde runs her hand over Lexa’s forearm pulling her back to the present. Lexa felt the butterflies stir again as she realizes her hand is still resting on the woman’s knee.

“Oh, nothing important.” She sighs past the stinging at the end of her nose, her thumb returning to trace back and forth over Clarke’s leg.  “I missed you last night. The bed felt empty.”

“I didn’t sleep well either, Lexa. I missed you too.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” a small smile replaces Lexa’s almost pained expression as she tried to suppress the hope welling up in her heart. She knew Clarke cared, she did. Why else would she stick around after everything? But for her to hear that, that someone might actually love her back enough despite everything.. It made her heart soar. “Do you think it’s kinda early?”

“A little, but I’ve never felt this way before.”

“Me either.”

“Thank you. For coming this morning. You didn’t have too.”

“I wanted too. Which is a big deal for me. Not really a fan of working out. O has to drag my ass to the gym.” She burrows a little further into Lexa’s hoodie, nose disappearing through the worn cotton. “Not going to lie she was a little butt hurt I got up to go with you so willingly.”

“I’ll be sure to tease her next time I see her on base then.”

“Please do.” Clarke laughs knowing that O will 100% embarrass Lexa with jokes about her and Clarke's relationship. She knew the two were acquaintances running into each other often on base. Octavia had been slightly obsessed with the girl when they first gou out here. Clarke just hadn’t put two and two together until Jackson had said something at the hospital. Then she had O and her new sweetheart of a boyfriend dish on all things Lexa they could think of.  

The car falls silent again as Lexa is pulling up to the doctors entrance in the parking garage. “Tris. Wake up.” She wiggles the girl's leg reaching into the back seat as Clarke opens the door.  The blonde leans over the center console and gives her a firm kiss on the lips as Lexa turns back around with one hand on the wheel the other falling naturally around Clarke’s shoulders.

“Ahhh my eyessss! For the love of god make it stop!” The girl protests from the back of the car.  

Clarke smiles against the brunette’s mouth who only melts further into the kiss. Lexa could kiss this woman forever, just like this, and be perfectly content. If the world were to have come to a stop at that moment, Lexa would have no complaints.  Not until the blonde leans back to press another quick peck on her wanting lips before sliding out of the car “Love you,” She leans back in and steals another quick kiss her fingertips rubbing the back of Lexa's scalp softly “see you guys this afternoon.”

 _Nope. This moment. The world can end at this moment._ Lexa isn’t sure if heaven itself could possibly be better than this. Clarke just said she loved her. _Holy shit._ Clarke loves her.

Both the women are frozen, Clarke stopping herself from walking away as she just realizes what’s slipped from those perfect lips of hers, Lexa watching dumbfounded as the blonde walks across the front of ther car and freezes. Her beautiful blue eyes going wide.  Lexa can’t even hear the snickers coming from the back seat as Clarke rounds the hood of the car and walks up to Lexa’s window still rolled down from grabbing the parking ticket thing. _Is that ok?_ “Are we-”

Blushing and grinning ear to ear the brunette reaches out the window to ball _her_ sweatshirt in her fist and pull Clarke in for a kiss. “Perfect. We’re perfect.” Tris acts like she is gagging in the back seat while the two older women get lost in the kiss for another moment before Clarke steps away with a smile.

“Ok. I uh gotta go.” She tosses her thumb over her shoulder as she backs up. “See you later?”

“Yes.” Lexa smiles as Tris climbs into the front seat. “Go. Nyko’s going to blame me if you're late.”  

Lexa watches Clarke disappear behind the door a goofy smile still on her lips. Clarke loves me. “Hate to see her go but love to watch her leave, huh Woody?” Tris says as she slides into the seat next to her, clicking the seat belt before nudging Lexa’s arm with her elbow.

“I can bench you you know that right.”

“I'm still broken so I'm benched anyway and season doesn’t start till August. Empty threats there Coach.”  She shrugs as she reclines the chair again for their short drive back. “Besides, I’m our only point guard.”

“You're annoying.”

“You love me.”

“Highly debatable.” Lexa throws the car into drive, her arms sluggish with fatigue to respond to even grabbing the steering wheel. Tris falling silent in the seat next to her warns a head shake from the brunette driving, her pony tail tickling the back of her neck now that her hair had dried some. It amazed Lexa how much that kid slept, especially in the car.

“So, question..”

“What?”

"Are you not ready to say it back or did you just get so excited you forgot?” _Shit._ She didn’t say it back. How could she not say it back? What was wrong with her? Lexa knew she loved Clarke. She knew that first day she spent with the blonde in her apartment. That first time Clarke had kissed her Lexa knew. “Oh my god. You didn’t even realize you didn’t say it back did you?” Tris erupts in laughter, her knees bending toward her chest where she reclines in the passenger seat. “Anya is going to love this.”

Lexa drops her head forward as the come to a stop back at the apartment. Her forehead bounces off the leather cover on her steering wheel. “Fuck.” She turns her head to the side still resting on the steering wheel to find Tris still calming down from her fit of laughter. “Do I go back and tell her?”

“I-dunno-coach.” She laughs as the two limp back to the apartment opting to take the elevator. “She’s coming over later right? Just tell her then. Hell maybe you should just text her to make sure you don’t get so lost in her eyes you forget again. Or her chest... or her ass.. or her lips.. hm.. where do you actually look? Because I can't really tell. Anyway, that way you can't get distracted.. 'cause you do that a lot. Like a lot a lot.”

“Tris I swear…” Lexa grabs the back of her neck firmly but in good nature. “One of these days I might actually kill you.”

“Another empty threat? Na, you’d miss me too much. Besides you don’t even have your gun on you.”

“What makes you think I need a gun?” Lexa drops the smile and goes 100% stone cold killer mode for a moment. 

“Point taken.” The girl holds her hands up surrendering for a moment as she goes into her room to jump in the shower while Lexa makes them some food - correction - while Lexa sticks a pizza in the oven. Those are pretty hard to screw up, not that she hasn't managed to do that before... hell she once caught a damn corn dog on fire.. in the microwave. 

“God, I’m an idiot.” The brunette mutters to herself pulling her hand over her face after sitting down on the couch. How the hell did she not even realize she didn’t say it back?

She doesn’t hear the footsteps behind her as Tris tosses a clean towel at her for her shower that hits her square in the chest “True.”

“Tris.” She growls making her way to the shower while almost shrugging internally. _Well, the girl has a point._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0430 - pronounced zero four thirty. Military never say "o" in place of zero. 
> 
> When Clarke teases Lexa about being a commander (a navy only rank) Lexa is basically saying she isn't in the navy.
> 
> Pistol Pete Maravich is probably one of the most underrated players of all time. The dude could work magic with a ball. Look him up for some sick highlights if you enjoy basketball. Seriously, the man had a gift. 
> 
> ROE - pronounced R. O. E. - rules of engagement, how the military is supposed to act in certain situations when engaging the enemy. It can change depending upon the mission, however in general the ROE for this conflict has been incredibly limited in attempt to focus on civilian casualties and meet the UN's/geneva convention standard for how to go about fighting. 
> 
> If there is anything I missed let me know!


	19. Sorry

Sorry guys but for personal reasons I won't be continuing the story. Ya been a blast to write and get to share with you all but there has been some shit going on and I just don't see myself finishing this. I hate to do it to you guys I really do. Forgive me, please. 

Clarke and Lexa end up happy ever after, three kids, German Shepard and the whole bit with a house on a quiet beach. Anya and Lexa buy and run a bar called Gus's Place. Lexa coaches basketball. Tris goes pro and becomes a doctor later (oncologist). Clarke is a kick ass trauma surgeon. Everyone lives. Aiden gets a little sister. Tuck becomes bellamy's partner in the FBI when he gets out of the Marines. 

I will you guys the best. I'm sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments feed the beast! More to come soon.


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